O will of God, thou art my love!

Working Together

2011-10-08T22:16:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we discussed our community life at our local house meeting. House meetings can be stressful sometimes, uncomfortable, and really grace-filled moments of peace and love for one another. This was one of those times. Identifying our strengths and weaknesses brought out all of those emotions. Sometimes recognizing the good makes you just as uncomfortable as recognizing the weakness. What I love about the sisters in this house though was made very obvious by our comments. Nearly everyone shared, without talking to one another in the beginning, that we appreciated the generosity in our house.

Working together is one of the greatest bonding moments for us as sisters. When we work towards a common goal with one another while enjoying each other and sharing thoughts and prayers for success - we become joined together in a really life giving way. Today was a big fundraiser for our sisters and we worked all week, long hours, after school, in physically taxing conditions and... it was a huge success. Besides meeting our goals we grew in love, respect, and sisterly affection for one another. It was a wonderful week!

One of the Best (and most practical) Perks of Being a Sister

2011-09-30T22:05:00.000-04:00

There are big changes happening in the diocese in which I live especially as regards Catholic education. I love Catholic education. It is my life - my heart and my soul are completely invested in the formation of children in the Catholic tradition and excellence in education. My dream is that there will be a new springtime of birth in intellect and will in our Catholic schools which calls forth saints of God to serve the Church in this future age. In order for that to happen we have a lot of work to do in our Catholic schools which has made for some very fun community times as well.

Because my community is one of educators, I have the great gift of being able to call up a "sister" of mine and ask her what's new... what is happening at her school... did she go to the workshop... does she have any new materials... what is she working on.... and this is exactly what is happening in my life right now. It has been so much fun. Often people talk about sisters praying together, which is really wonderful... I love praying with my sisters. But, working together is something that brings us together in a more creative way.

Today I got to connect with a sister who I really respect as an educator and receive information from her on what I was doing and get immediate feedback on my work. It was great. I also talked to a friend of mine who is younger and asked her what she was working on. I also worked with someone I live with but who ministers at a different school - and yet again, another perspective was added to my own.

The other night this sister and I sat down in the community room with all the information both of us had collected about a particular change in the education system in the diocese and we were so excited by the time we put our heads together and came up with something workable. The excitement, passion, and unity was able to be filled in the air. It was a wonderful experience in working together.

What a gift it is to have such a proliferation of gifts all working on the same project - what a joy! what a work! Thank God we have one another to work with and to build upon. God, I am just so thankful for each and every one of my sisters; for the intelligent, gifted, passionate, and wonderful women who surround me with their faith, love, prayer, sacrifice, and work. Thank You!

2011-09-24T20:08:00.000-04:00

I had the strangest experience the other night. As I've mentioned before I love to drive through the city, especially at night when there is no traffic, and I was coming home late the other night and decided to take the "scenic" route. As I was watching the cars and the lights and the people and reflecting on the very good meeting I was returning from I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God to me. How, when I look at all these people, have I been so blessed to live and work and have my being in this great God? How, after all the missteps I should have fallen into, have I become this woman I could not have even imagined five years ago, not for myself and not for anyone else either? What have I done to deserve the community I love, the apostolate in which I experience redemption, and the intimate relationship with the King?

I know it is nothing I have done but it still boggles my mind... how did I end up here? I ask this question not in disbelief but in awe of what God can do with so little - with less than anything at all. When I look at my past and my experiences of life... I should have been a disaster. There is little to nothing that would indicate that I would ever be a woman religious. I could never think of a better life and I am humbled that God would want me, that in spite of all my flaws and my sinfulness, He would desire me.

It was a painful transformation into this person I never knew but who is me entirely. It required facing masks, accepting loss and transition, losing control, surrendering, sacrifice, and being open to a whole other person - the one God always desired me to be but the one that I never was.

Now, I know God's work with me is not done. The transformation is never complete until eternal life with Him. But I am, if I might use a strange word, in harmony with my whole self and with God. There is no wall, no huge contradiction, no mask, no hiding, no compensation - just life with Him and His people. It is freedom.

Anxiety

2011-09-11T17:15:00.000-04:00

I wish I was about to share some words of wisdom and comfort or some spiritual gleaning I've experienced in a time of anxiety; however, I have nothing. Without going into detail, I've been working myself up over something all weekend. I have prayed and distracted myself but until I actually act - I'm going to continue to be preoccupied. I'm a worrier. I can worry about things a normal person would never even think of. This time I'm worried about something worth worrying though and I'm having a hard time pushing it out of my mind until I need to think about it. On a Sunday afternoon though there isn't much to do that distracts me.

I tried writing my lessons for school - and I did - but it was an exercise in concentration and it took painfully long. I took frequent breaks to look up again and again the same things on the internet trying to find some answers. I didn't even make my bed I'm so tired from all this worrying. It all seems ridiculous doesn't it? But that is the human condition.

At this point I'm not hoping or praying for a positive outcome or good news... I'm praying for an accurate outcome and quick news so that I can get some relief from all this worry. So, pray for me? Thanks

Back to School

2011-08-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

Well, it's that time again... the most wonderful time of the year according to some parents (and TV advertisements). It's time for children everywhere to come back to school. On these beautiful end of summer days, teachers are scrambling around with books, papers, computers... and kids are running around like little crazy people!

The other night all the kids came to school to get their new books and to check their class lists to find out which teacher they have and who is in their class. I was excited to see them with their too long hair and crazy summer outfits. I could predict who would show up and who wouldn't have any books until they got to school the first day. However, I was wrong about one student.

I watched him walk into the hall where we were selling the books and he went to see his class list but before he got there he saw me and ran over. I was so surprised. He isn't the type who really cares about school or does any extra work or activities or hangs around when he doesn't need to be there. Without any thought he came over and hugged me and said he was excited to come back. I never expected that one! I touched my heart to see him excited to be back at school.

There was one day last year when a few students, himself included, were stranded by their bus in the snow. We had a pretend snowball fight in the classroom with some foam balls I was using for a class project. I think that made them all feel special and important - and I think everything else comes easily from their.

So please pray for me as I prepare to continue with these wonderful children through another year of their formation as strong Catholic young men and women.

Retreat

2011-08-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

I got home to my local convent a few days ago after a very long summer. I had a lot of great experiences and some challenging ones too! But the best part of summer by far is retreat - a week of vacationing with the Lord. It was wonderful. The priest who gave our retreat was so wonderful and we were in a beautiful place. Our chapel has these enormous windows that look out over beautiful fields and stained glass pieces designed by our sisters hang in the windows. It is simple and small but a very intimate place to be with the Lord. It's also private, located in the same area as our bedrooms so it is open to us all night as well as during the day.

One of the things Father asked us to do on retreat was too look over the past year with the Lord - looking through His eyes. That night I tried to think about where God was during my year and I came up with a lot of wonderful places - in my daily prayer, in the Eucharist, in my work, in my community - but I was left feeling anxious and upset. I kept thinking of all the places where I failed to see or follow Him. The next day after Mass I made a cup of coffee and went to sit in the community room by myself. I turned the chair next to me to face me and I closed my eyes and imagined that Jesus was sitting across from me. Instead of reflecting myself on the year I asked him, "What do you remember about our year together?" The answer caused me to laugh out loud, to cry, and to smile. The answer was that He remembered me dancing around my classroom on the weekends changing decorations and grading papers while I listened to music, cleaning out the convent, eating breakfast on the porch with the nuns, being heartbroken about a child's circumstances, hitting the snooze on my alarm, breaking my flashdrive, crying after a bad day in school, shoveling the cars out of the snow with the neighborhood boys, attending basketball and soccer games...

They were the places where I didn't recognize Him immediately but He was with me and in me through them. It amazed me that it was these moments when I was just being myself, just offering myself unconsciously for others, that God was most interested in - not in the times when I was trying very hard.

We have more good in us than we recognize or think sometimes. I was so touched by His presence in my everyday living that I felt even more compelled to try to give of myself completely but I was motivated by love. I will try to keep that spirit alive this year.

Shore

2011-07-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, so here I am at our wonderful retreat house down the shore. I am much less of a stick in the mud than I was last time I wrote. However, I am still very wanting of my own shower and bed... but there are definitely some perks that my home convent doesn't have. The beach, the ocean, delicious home cooked meals ready for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, a beautiful chapel with seaside air, and lots of really wonderful nuns from all over coming together to pray and play.

Our mornings include sleeping in - nun style (which really isn't sleeping in to most people, haha), pick-up breakfast and Mass in our convent. After Mass the sisters who aren't on retreat start doing their charges or their jobs around the house. Everyone has a job but the sisters on retreat do something simple like cut vegetables while we try to do the things that would be intrusive to their retreat times. It is nice to be able to help them have a good retreat. In the afternoons we go down to the beach, swim in the ocean, relax in the air conditioned community room or on the porch overlooking the ocean, or go down to the main drag and look in the little shore shops or buy candy for our home convents. Then we have prayers and dinner and more time to hang loose. It is a lovely schedule - I think it's how God meant it to be :).

One set back has been the heat wave which has also been an occasion of unity through suffering. Everyone is a little bit miserable from the heat so we are all trying to make one another comfortable. It's been fun hearing everyone's remedies and seeing the kindness of the sisters who's bedrooms get the ocean breeze leaving their doors open so the rest of us can get a little cool air during the night.

Right now I can hear the ocean out my bedroom window and I am excited to sleep when the temperature is less than 90 in my room with the sound of the ocean waves around me. Tomorrow begins the next retreat so it will be quiet around here and there will be a lot to do around the house - but there will still be that beautiful background of the sea.

Did summer start yet...?

2011-07-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

Well, tonight I called my sister friend who is generously driving me down the shore this week. On the phone I complained and complained and complained some more until my friend did a really supportive and intelligent thing. First she asked me why I didn't want to go to the shore... so I listed my reasons. Number 1 - I am tired of sleeping in other people's beds... I want to sleep in my own. Number 2 - I want to shower in my own shower without carrying my shampoo and things down a hallway. Number 3 - I need some time to myself... I'm tired of being social. After my friend listened to all my reasons she said she understood but I was being negative - she is so honest and reaffirming at the same time. She never said I was selfish about the shower or that there are people who don't have any bed to sleep in. She just took me where I was and told me it was going to be a good few weeks down the shore if I could stop being a stick in the mud.

I've been away doing service more this summer and have done more work than I did during the school year. I just want a few days to relax but I am excited to be down the shore these days. I'll be working but it will also be relaxing to spend some time in the sun. It's super hot here but I'm sure I'll survive. Just say a prayer that tomorrow I can snap into action and stop being such a party pooper. I want to have fun... I really do, haha.

The other problem that you probably wouldn't guess a nun would have is that I can't fit all my stuff in my bag... I hate packing. It is the thing I am the worst at. I think... I might want... I might use... I might need... and I never use those things. The other problem I have is that I hate the process of packing so much that I just throw stuff in. It doesn't help. It is actually quite funny from an outsiders point of view though... you should see me, haha.

So here I am at 10:30 blogging when my bags are unpacked and I'm unprepared to go down the shore. Jesus help me! Goodnight friends... and sorry it's been so long!

Community and Confession

2011-07-03T08:52:00.000-04:00

This past week has been an insanely busy one... it was especially hard because in my mind I know I should be on some beach somewhere relaxing and enjoying the summer... but instead, I was driving from one workshop to another and only stopping to sleep at my convent. The rest of the time I was on the road. I love being busy and I love to go to workshops and to work on different projects with different people. I like to talk and to share ideas - but by the end of this week I was ready to crash.

On Friday night when I came back to the convent I dropped by bags on the floor of my bedroom and collapsed. It was like 7 pm and I was out for the night, haha. The next day I decided instead of going to the parish Mass in the morning I would sleep in and go to a nearby shrine that has confessions and Mass in the afternoon. It is also a shrine that has significance for my community so it made it that much nicer.

I've been struggling this summer with some personal conflicts with some sisters. (Yes, we have conflicts and broken relationships and negativity too.) The basic situation is that I lived with these sisters at a very difficult time in my life and they were less than understanding. As a result, I made some mistakes. Because I "knew" that they didn't care - I didn't treat them as if I cared either. Since then, I tried to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness for what I did wrong and while I have heard the words, "It's okay," the actions do not match that. It is still being held against me. Meanwhile, no one has ever apologized to me.

So I'm going to be spending a lot of concentrated time with these sisters this summer and I see the need for reconciliation. I also know that I've done everything I can do to make that happen. I see in the big picture of our future that we have to put these silly things behind us - but I think because they are so close with one another they don't see this need in the same way.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it and I was uncomfortable with my attitude towards those sisters and with the way I was feeling. So when I went to confession I told the priest that I really felt resentful. I also knew that I was holding onto it, that I was measuring who was "better" and who was "right" and how much I had done to mend these relationships and how little they had. Of course I was the "better" and "right" one - so I included pride in my confession as well.

So Father was wonderful. He spoke so passionately about how when these feelings come it is the time to pray and that's all there is to it! There is no past, we live in the present and though the past colors it we have the gift as children of God of freedom. So regardless of how my sisters choose to use their freedom, I have dedicated mine to living a particular way in the present and I will continue to try to reconcile. I pray that they do the same and I know that they are trying to live the best that they can at this moment. I have to remember that even if they don't put value on our relationship as sisters - they are putting value on something that is maybe more important right now. We are all working on love - for God, for people, for community, for prayer - and somehow I'm sure it will all come together.

Summer - Part II

2011-06-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

Okay - so other than the cleaning and fun times - there are other wonderful things about summer vacation. Although I am starting to miss the kids I am still reveling in the freedom from lessons, meetings, papers, grades and discipline. I am also enjoying the great fun of connecting with lovely sisters who I haven't seen all year, who are my friends, who are visiting from far away, who are working with my on summer assignments... the list goes on and on...

This week only myself and another sister are home and a sister from far away came to stay with us and it has been lovely having her here. Next week I have workshops for school in the morning and then I'm helping a sister friend with her job in the afternoons. I'm sure it will be lovely and renewing. It is just so nice to have a break from the school schedule of things. Next week I have to wake up early each day and I'm dreading it because I have so loved this week of "later days"... meaning Mass at 8... another wonderful summer attribute.

I'm just so happy to be spending time with the sisters telling stories, laughing, playing around, working together and just enjoying one another. Community is difficult sometimes but it is also such a great gift... Thank you Lord for my sisters... even the most difficult of them.

Summer and Cleaning

2011-06-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

I've tried to write like ten times on the topic of summer - but it is just so wonderful I haven't been able to put it into words. The feeling of my aching muscles after a day of manual labor, the late night chats with the sisters, the leisurely meals, quiet times of prayer, and laughter throughout the day... it's just great. In these first three days without lesson plans, tests, copiers, paperwork, school books, papers, grades, and students I have enjoyed myself immensely.

All year I've been formulating plans for what I would do once this wonderful, free summertime came. I have quite a few projects keeping me busy in the house... in fact, I've been cleaning since Monday.

The convent I'm living in now was "abandoned" so to speak for quite some time and there are a lot of places with hidden problems and tons of dust. The other problem is that this convent was built for 20 plus sisters... currently it houses 5. Of the five, only 2 are able to really keep up with the necessary work to keep the house in good working order. You can imagine how much there is to do in an enormous convent like this for the youngest sister. But I am happy to do it - and it is good for me to do something more physical than mental for a change of pace. It is liberating to wipe all that dust away, move furniture, reassign towels and sheets to their rightful homes... it feels like a new beginning. Plus - someone else cooks so I can work!

I feel so happy about how well this year has gone and yet there are things I've let go a little too long that I need to take care of in my personal life. I must clean out that stuff too while I'm doing it for real in the house. Tomorrow I'm going to take a very big step in cleaning out and sorting through some of my personal "stuff" on the inside and I ask your prayers for this meeting. It will be difficult but I know good will come from it and that peace will follow whatever transpires.

School - Graduation

2011-06-15T21:05:00.000-04:00

Tonight some of my kids graduated from grade school. I am heartbroken. I mean - I am so happy for them but at the same time it is a loss for me. Teaching is so much a part of my heart that each child I meet becomes my own. I have the blessing of listening to and sharing in their desires, thoughts, mistakes, dreams, and everyday life. I will miss each of them as a unique expression of God's love in my life.

As this week went on I spoke to many of the kids individually about how special they are and how many gifts they have to offer God with the gift of their lives - how much I needed them to do that for the future of the Church and our world. I'm just so proud of them and I can see all the grace and all the gifts that God has just filled them with - with the intention of them becoming great saints. I told two of them I thought they had vocations.

Tonight was a happy one, in spite of my heartache, and after Mass we were celebrating with pictures and hugs and congrats outside Church. I could tell one of the dads wanted to talk to me as he came over and I was in the middle of teasing a few of my dear "little ones" (who are in reality quite big!). I went over as soon as they "freed" me from our fun and I was surprised by "dad's" interaction with me. I love this family but I don't really have any special relationship with them. They have a lovely son and are just all around good people. But tonight, Dad hugged me and thanked me and I could see in his eyes that there was something he wanted to say - but he didn't say it, whatever it was. I probably won't know what it is that was obviously important to him.

You can never know what you do for others and how much it is just a gift from God. I wish Dad could have told me what it was he was thankful for... but maybe in God's plan for me it's better I don't know. What I do know is that my heart is really touched by the beauty of God's plan for my life this year with each person I've encountered. I'm happy that I've been able to tell them how much I love them, about how they show me God, about how proud I am of them. It's hard to tell anyone that they are important to you but I feel good knowing that they know how much I care about them.

Envy... Holy Envy... I don't know...

2011-06-08T21:20:00.000-04:00

I envy families. A lot! I've talked briefly about my own family before here but not as the actual topic of a post. Tonight it is. It's hard for me to write about but I think it is important too. I've felt in religious life quite often that I don't quite belong because of my family history. Most of the sisters with whom I live and work view family in a very different way than I do. I should say, they view their own family's differently than I do. I think we have the same objective value of the family but our experiences are so different. A lot of sisters I live with can't imagine not being devoted to their parents. They can't imagine not thinking that their parents are saints in heaven... that they gave them their vocations.

Then, on the other hand, is me. My family is broken. I hate the way it sounds but it is the truth. Throughout everything that has happened and everything I don't understand still - I never thought that it would all come together like it has now in my life. God alone knew that that suffering I had to endure would prepare me to be the bearer of immense grace toward others.

I think the hardest thing about having such a dysfunctional family is the not-knowing. As the child, no matter the age, you can never fully understand the effect of, the sequence of, and the cause of the events which forever change your world view and your understanding of life and then somehow you must pick up the pieces. For someone as logical as I am - walking around with such doubts and insecurities is very difficult. Every day I remember something new that didn't click when everything was "under the rug." But now that my parents are divorced it sheds a new light on all the experiences I've had. I wish I could understand all of them but I know that there is no way for me to do so... so I must live with the unknowing.

Anyway... now it serves me well. The pain is still there and the discomfort is still raw... I imagine it will stay that way. However... most of my students have this same experience and I offer it for them. I share it with them. My co-workers share this pain with me and they come to me with their experiences of family strife because I understand... and I think it is a sad gift now that I have been given.

There is certainly a reward in seeing the heart animate a face which has found understanding in another person's heart. God is good in providing these loving moments of solidarity with one another to give the love that was lacking in other ways. Blessings are always around.

Generosity and Gentlemen

2011-06-04T16:22:00.000-04:00

I think it is really interesting being a young religious in a church that is aging in the United States. I mean really... I'm the only person at Sunday Mass who doesn't have white hair at this point. I know its different in other areas but where I am the truth is that I'm alone as a young person. Which is why some socially Catholic things - if I might call them that- surprise me all the time! Most often I'm surprised by manners and the generosity of others.

For example, last night I was at a function in the parish hall for a family. Now my superior always worries when I'm out late because the neighborhood is kinda crazy - but I'm in my twenties - I'm kind of fearless. I always say they should be worried about the other guy! So as it hit quarter after 10, I started to say my goodbyes and go back to the convent. Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised by this at all, but one of the dads walked me home. I felt like I was some crippled old nun, haha! However, although it made me feel old which I hate, I liked that someone took the time to make sure that I got home safely. It was a nice gesture. I started thinking about my life before religious life and I don't think there were many men around who thought to care for the safety of a woman going home at night. That's just one example though - when I'm taking the trash out the guys from AA run to the door to grab the bag for me before I step out, parishioners offer me rides when I'm out for a walk, people try to carry my bags for me, when I buy the soda and water the coaches come out from practice and bring it in the convent.

No, I'm not trying to highlight the perks of entering religious life (although it's a great life!) - I'm just surprised coming from our modern culture of equality between the sexes which has resulted in a loss of courteous behavior that some people still do these small acts of kindness. I try all the time to instill in my boys in school those kinds of behaviors but it doesn't come naturally to them. Even though their dads are a good example to them, they think it's old fashioned. It is - but who is to say it's wrong - I say bring it back! They are just getting the hang of it and they love to be complimented when they do the right thing. Unfortunately, they now fight over holding the doors for me - but they'll stop beating each other up eventually... maybe when they are 30...40??.

Then there is the generosity of others. I have had a tough week as far as generosity goes. A priest I know gave me twenty dollars for helping him with something - I felt terrible and I tried to tell him I didn't need any money - but he made me take it. So, I thought, I'll use this for the fundraiser the parish is having so it will go to charity. When I got to the parish event - someone else paid for my ticket. Then people paid for tickets to put my name in the raffle drawings. So not only had I not given my charitable offering - I had actually gained in winnings.

What's a nun to do when she can't get rid of money?? I have a few other ideas but I'm hoping I don't get foiled... one of them is a nice treat for the kids. We'll see if they deserve it after these last days of school, haha. Either way - here I am - stuck between these two foreign cultures coexisting. Sometimes, like today, they bang together. I was at Walmart and I was standing in line watching the cashier watching me. He was young and I saw him staring at me while he was ringing up the customer in front of me. When he rang up my purchase he gave me my receipt and change and patted my hand and said, "God bless you, Sister." Then he turned his light off for his break and offered to take my one bag to the car for me - on his break. I talked him out of it but it was unbelievable. Men never treated me so nicely when I was available and now that I'm not I'm continually surprised. I think there is merit in religious life just for the culture and for society in general. It isn't about me but somehow a religious inspires thoughtfulness and generosity and I think the visibility of religious is a leaven for a society which is becoming increasingly self-centered.

So there you have it, generosity and gentlemen in religious life. I hope they are trends that continue!

Good Days

2011-06-02T19:34:00.001-04:00

I've been really down the past few weeks. I was nurturing some bad habits and some big time pride and it all caught up with me last weekend. Basically, it was terrible. I felt like a fool and God and I had a really big talk about how dumb I had been. It wasn't like He was telling me with some big club held over my head - but I knew it in my heart with a very honest self-knowledge - the kind I rarely feel. It's like I know how wonderfully made I am and how far I have fallen or cheapened God's gift to me. I know His mercy is there right away - it certainly isn't a despairing moment - just one of truth. There are no excuses, no questions... just an almost emotionless desire to end the habit or thought because of God. I'm glad this time He didn't give me feelings of extreme joy, or desire for Him. He instead gave me the grace in the moment to see truth and decide my response to it.

So here I am, tentatively and reflectively attempting to renew and rebuild! It feels good to do some of this "spring cleaning" of my life and soul. Since the soul stuff went so well - I decided to spring clean in the house and my classroom today too! To me, cleaning is one of the most relaxing things I could possibly do. I just love to clean. When I say clean - I mean ceiling to floor scrub - not dusting and putting things away. I'm talking serious cleaning. It was great!

Now I'm in crunch time for the end of the year and I feel renewed to pack up my classroom and get ready for some busy summer adventures. I'll keep updating!

The source of my annoyance - Napkins

2011-05-28T23:12:00.000-04:00

Is there anything that really riles you up? I get pretty intense about a few things but there is one that I am absolutely irrational about. It doesn't even make sense to get mad about but I do! I think everyone has these things and I'm sure there is something that I do that makes other people, particularly the nuns, crazy!

You see, there is a sister in my house who is older and she is lovely - all the time. She is a joy to live with. She does a harmless and meaningless thing that drives me insane though. It's ridiculous but I'm going to tell you anyway... after she eats - she puts paper napkins on all the place mats around the table. I know - how could that make me angry?

The thing is I'm 20 -something years old. I live in a world where everything is efficient. It all serves a purpose and it is done in a methodical and practical way. I've never lived any other way. Anything less can be infuriating! It just so happens that the two rooms in our house where we eat are both my charges. So, these napkins are everywhere and before I clean the table I have to pick up all these napkins. Sometimes they are even underneath the place mats. It makes me wild... not with her... but just with the impracticality of the whole thing.

You would think, "oh, its a small thing... get over it." And that is what I say to myself most of the time too... but it still bothers me. Everyday when I clean it I cringe because it bothers me. I am so tempted to throw all the napkins away or not put them back or tell her to stop putting them everywhere... However, through the grace of God I am able to resist that temptation and in extreme discomfort, I put those carefully placed napkins right back where they were before I cleaned.

Community life is made of things like this. I know that there are things that people do for me that are nice that I don't even know about or that they don't think I know about. One time when I was sick, my superior cleaned my charge... she didn't tell me but I felt terrible about it. She was taking care of me. Sometimes I'll go down to the laundry and find my wash folded for me. The sister who folded my laundry might have been thinking, "She can't just come get her own laundry! Why isn't she folding this laundry!?" We all lose our patience with one another but the struggle is to treat one another with charity and grace through it all. It's a sure way to the heart of Jesus to love one another in close quarters and in a radical way.

Confession and Contrition

2011-05-22T20:34:00.000-04:00

I almost always pray for more contrition when I'm going to confession - I just don't feel bad enough sometimes. Maybe because I didn't grow up Catholic I'm missing a guilt gene or something. I've definitely assimilated - ask my students, I work to instill a healthy guilt in them - but maybe it's still not deep enough.

On Saturday, I knew I only had a small window of time before judgment began at 6 to go to Confession and be ready to meet my Creator (just kidding - but I did think it was funny I was going to Confession right before the world was about to end!). So I drove down to the next parish and waited my turn.

As I was waiting in line for Confession, I felt so lukewarm. It was like I was in line at the grocery store or something. I realized how I felt and I was disappointed in myself for being so casual about approaching the sacrament but somehow I still couldn't muster up much feeling for it. So I just said to God, I know you want me here... I want to be here if not in my heart definitely in my will, so You need to bring whatever else I'm lacking.

Once I got into the confessional I waited a long time. Father was taking his time with the penitent on the other side so it was me, the plastic-y kneeler, and the crucifix. I felt a stillness inside, still no desire or feeling, but a prayerful stillness.

When I began confessing my sins I was amazed at how much feeling came into the words as I spoke them and how my heart opened up to share the deepest desires, fears, values and thoughts that motivate my actions. It all came with more sincerity and honesty rather than as a laundry list of problems. When Father began speaking I felt like I was talking to Christ. I could see Father's face through the screen and I really saw Jesus speaking with me very gently while still full of wisdom and insights calling me to be better.

It was such a blessed confession. I always hold on to my crucifix as I pray my act of contrition and kiss it at the end of confession as I do each day when I put it on in the morning and take it off at night. I felt very close to Christ in those moments. I'm still pondering everything now because I don't think I have reached the depths yet of the experience. I'm certainly grateful to God, and to Father, for the gift of the sacrament.

Freedom

2011-05-19T19:11:00.000-04:00

Today I had a great experience of freedom. Sometimes I watch the kids running like wild people at recess and I think - wow - that must be so much fun! haha. Sometimes I play a little bit too!

After school today I went to the store to do some of the food shopping for the convent. When I had paid and was on my way outside the sky just opened up and poured. It was beautiful but everything was getting wet and I was rushing to try to get everything into the trunk of the car. As I was getting a workout with my groceries I was hit with this great feeling of freedom. My veil and habit were soaking wet, I was alone, and the rain was so beautiful - it was great! At first I was thinking oh no I'm soaked right through, my shoes are getting messed up, my hair is totally wet... and then all my cares just melted away and it was freedom.

When I got back to the convent it was still pouring so I got to do it all over again! After that I went in to prayers and dinner with the nuns. I was so tired and I had a tough day in school - good but challenging - and I was ready to go right to sleep... My superior knew this had been a crazy week for me so she left a candy bar in my room as a little treat. I felt like a kid... in a good way. I felt like I had gone out to play, been taken care of, and was being sent off to bed for the night. It was refreshing and comforting.

I don't usually relate well to the whole child of God thing, probably because my own childhood was so tumultuous, but today I felt very much cared for as a dear daughter of His and I am very grateful for that blessing.

Corrections

2011-05-11T21:25:00.000-04:00

I hate this word - correction... I just honestly hate it. Sometimes I try to act like I don't hate it. Sometimes I try to convince myself that it is a growth in holiness to be corrected. Maybe it is... however; it still stinks!

I don't know if I was corrected tonight but I felt like I was. Either it was a helpful suggestion or a downright correction... I'm not sure. Either way, my ego didn't like it. Not at all. I had some really high hopes for a little meeting I had today with a Sister but no matter how many compliments or applauds I get... those corrections stay with me and ruin it all. Maybe I'm terrible at humility. Maybe I have no virtuous motives. Maybe all I care about is looking good to other people. I don't know... but I do know that I hate to be corrected.

I know in faith that it is good for me. I also know that I value deeply in community the fact that we are able to share with one another... sometimes it hurts. Sharing with one another requires that I be able to admit my shortcomings, accept constructive criticism, share my desires and hopes, and think of Christ and His Church before I think of my own interests. Community demands that I be able to both value myself and put myself, good and worthwhile, as last instead of first.

I think I might be praying about this struggle a lot in these next few weeks and as the summer months give me more time with myself and with God in prayer. Thanks be to God! I hope that He enlightens me with peace and growth.

Family and Religious Life

2011-05-07T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'm really only close with one member of my family - my brother. I love my brother a lot. He is my only other sibling and he understands me very well... and he's not Catholic. He loves having a sister who is a nun. I don't exactly know why, but I do know that we bonded very well when we both made life altering commitments against the desires of our parents about a month apart... we really threw them for a loop! My brother went into the service a month before I entered the convent... it was not taken very well.

Today I went to a meeting at my community's motherhouse and then met up with my family who lives nearby. I'm always happy to see them but I'm also always more aware when I leave the gathering of how different my life is from theirs. Some of my family is Catholic... most are nonpracticing but it certainly makes for an interesting gathering when the nun shows up. Today was mostly good. It's hard to explain my life to people who have no concept of convent, apostolate, community life, living a Rule, vows... all of it! They just seem like outsiders to me sometimes and I hate that.

It isn't that I don't love them... it's more like we live on two different planes. And then when it comes to my parents - it's a whole other ball game. I know... it's hard to imagine... but nuns come from broken homes too - myself included. It's certainly more difficult but here I am and I just hope and pray that God accepts the carrying of that cross as an act of love for Him.

Summer in the Habit

2011-05-03T19:40:00.000-04:00

Oh my gosh it has begun... summer in the habit. Each year it feels like that first summer all over again - hot, sticky, hot, uncomfortable, hot, tight, hot, exhausting, hot, disheveled... I could go on. Today was probably the hottest / most humid day so far this year. School was brutal. Imagine thirty, gross on a good day, middle schoolers all packed into a classroom without air conditioning. God knows I love them but they are full of hot air and can't keep themselves... to themselves!

This morning wasn't too bad with the fans on and the lights off. The kids were doing some science projects so I wasn't directly instructing them most of the time! This afternoon took a turn for the worse though and by the end of religion class - filled with questions on the state of Osama bin Laden's soul - I was exhausted! I thought... I'm grabbing my laptop and my books and going home! Usually, I stay in school for a while after and work but it was just so hot over there.

When I got back to the convent I grabbed a cold drink and started my three floor climb to my room. I never made it to the third floor. When I got to the second floor there was a whirlwind of curtains all over the place. They were hanging over the banister, over chairs, on the ironing board and my dear short sister was trying to hang them up. I happen to be quite a tall sister so I stopped to help her. Getting on a ladder and fighting with a metal rod was not what I had planned for the afternoon before prayers and dinner! Anyway, I did it.

After dinner I raced up to the third floor finally... it was like a victory lap. All I could think about was getting out of my hot and uncomfortable and now dirty holy habit and under the fan. Now here I am! The evening is cooling down a little but it feels like thunderstorms... which I love! I'm in the middle of writing the last set of progress reports of the year for my darlings in school and I'm content that summer is here and very soon... I'll get over that first hot summer day of the year in the holy habit!

Reading the Mind of God

2011-04-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

I know... it's not possible... don't worry I'm not suggesting anything heretical, haha. But I cannot help but wonder sometimes what it would look like to see the whole picture of myself or of someone else's soul at a particular moment of grace from the eyes of God. He obviously sees so much more but in that moment, for us to see, it would be breathtaking. The past, present, and future of a person plus their unique makeup of personality, nature, dreams, hopes, fears, and sins all at the same time from one point of view - it's amazing. And all of that perspective, all that knowledge at once fits into the equation of what grace to give... what God's will is for them individually.

I'm always trying to figure Him out... I love solving big questions. I know this isn't one I can solve, haha... but I still always try. When I know that there is a decision I have to make I think to myself, "How is He playing this round?" I know I'm being fresh, haha, but I really do take it very seriously. I think about what decision would be contrary to my own selfish will. I think about the future effects of any decision. I think about what I've done in the past. I think about my usual sins, my usual goodness... I try to see the pattern, the design. I never succeed.

I should probably just trust that God will give me the grace to follow His will when He has planned it. However, I still am so fascinated by how He works that I just can't stop analyzing it. I mean, try to imagine the way God sees you in each moment with all your complexities at once. It's mind boggling. Then add in the fact that you are part of the Body of Christ, all joined together - and He sees all of that at once... each of us individually and each of us together as one. How can we not trust?!

Heart to Heart

2011-04-24T20:15:00.000-04:00

I'm avoiding it... the heart to heart talk... the inevitable. I've been filling my time and my spirit with work, reading, stress, cleaning, email, and many other insignificant things. Even my prayer hasn't been prayer but more of a task to complete - and a difficult one at that. I feel a very real desire to bare my soul, to pour it out, to share myself - but at times it feels like there is no place for that - in community, in spirituality, in my busy-ness.

At the Easter Vigil, Father's homily was very touching for me. He said that the vigil is the time for us to revisit the place where we first met Jesus - the tomb of our hearts - where He raised us from the death of sin to our new life in Him. I was thinking... yes... that is exactly what I need to do - to meet Christ again in my heart where I first encountered Him.

Father went on to say that the place where we were all gathered as a parish community was our Galilee of that very moment and that in all the universe that was exactly where Christ had planned for us to encounter Him - Risen! For me - that meant where I was in community. It meant that the sisters I was with were the disciples I was meant to bring Christ to. At the same time, they are the disciples who are meant to bring Christ to me.

I have to be honest - I haven't felt that way recently. Maybe I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain. I expect often a lot from community life. I expect to be challenged, taught, educated, called, appreciated, corrected, and loved... but have I been doing the same? Have I been putting my whole self out there - my faith, my heart, my convictions, my desires, my vision? The truth is no... because I have been afraid of what the reaction would be. I have been unwilling to be challenged, corrected, affirmed, and encouraged. It is scary to share your heart. But I know that right now it is what I most desire.

The other thing I desire is a spiritual director - but God has not seen it in His plan to give me one quite yet... I am getting desperate though so I ask your prayers that He puts someone in my path.

Good Friday Reflection

2011-04-22T19:28:00.001-04:00

Well, my reflections from this Good Friday weren't so "good" for me. I'm sure they are good for my soul but I don't think anyone ever looks forward to loss and sacrifice - both places where God brought me in my retreat today.

I'm finding myself feeling more and more confused as I ask, "What needs to die in me?" The answers are all things that I don't want to have to give up... or things that don't want to give me up. I am sure that there are deaths that must happen for my relationship with Jesus to deepen and spread to those around me. This time though, I don't feel the zeal or the fight to let those things die. I can see quite clearly where I am going wrong and how I can fix it. I can see how my life would be better. But for some reason my heart is not jumping to act on this knowledge... and I'm not sure why.

I spent my prayer time today reading Jesus' Prayer for the Disciples - John 19. It hits me anew each time I read it and I think it must be my favorite Gospel. Here is one part that really touched me today.

"I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.

They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.

Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth.

As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.

And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth."

I can hear Jesus' impassioned prayer to the Father to care for each of His own and it amazes me that he could be so close to arrest and death yet so focused, not on Himself, but on me and on you. And here I am, avoiding the death and sacrifice that is so necessary to what is happening in my church, my community, and my own soul right now. Is that how I lost my zeal and my "heart"... by losing sacrifice? I'm not sure. What I do know is that it was unintentional but has now become learned and I must unlearn it with little or no feelings passion and desire to do so. My mind is on one track and my heart is hardened on the other.

I'm sure this happens to us all at some points. There are times when we are at our best and others when we are at our worst. My best is when I'm working hard at a very focused task and when I'm praying and living well the community life I've been called to. My worst is when I become preoccupied with my "image" - how I look, how people see me and when I feel stressed and out of control. I know I need to hand this over to Christ but I'm having a difficult time doing that now. I know who I want to be and how to be that... but the work - the sacrifice and the suffering - seem more than I can give right now. I know that that feeling - the feeling of some task being beyond my resources - is really a very special opportunity to trust completely in the power of Christ's saving love.

I know I must die to have life. Christ please give me the grace to die the deaths I must die to truly be a follower of You. I want to be close to You only. Hold me in your Sacred Heart and let me respond to Your words alone.

Edited to add... Can you tell I need a spiritual director?? It's extremely difficult to find one! :)

It's all about me!

2011-04-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

Actually... it's not - but I like to think it is. I guess it's human nature to a certain extent to see the world around us in terms of how it affects us personally. I've been doing that a lot lately. I think, first, because of necessity. I've been having to do a lot of reflecting at this time of the year so I've been a little focused on myself. Secondly, I've been under a lot of stress and because of that I've been looking at all MY work, MY school, MY prayer, MY charge, MY time.

It's strange how something small can suddenly jerk you back into perspective. For me, today, it was the simple fact that someone I care about hasn't answered an email from me for two days! I know - how impatient - two days is nothing... but it was important to me. Then I got an email from someone else about that person and I just felt my heart sink. All of the sudden I realized that I was being really self-centered. I couldn't rejoice with the other person because I was so caught up in myself.

It stinks to realize that it's not about me... it stinks to realize that I've been so full of pride and selfish. But I'm thankful it happened. I'm thankful I can see it now. Perspective really makes all the difference in the things that happen. I'm going to definitely take this to prayer now that school is ended for the holy days to come.

My Cross is your cross

2011-04-15T22:02:00.000-04:00

This week has had me doing a lot of thinking in preparation for this holy week and I've come to focus through my prayer on something that has really touched me. I don't know if I can quite put it into words because it is more of an experience but I'm going to try.

I have had a lot of suffering in my life. Lots of that suffering has been suffering that I haven't been able to understand. It has been confusing. It has made me feel worthless, self conscious... just plain bad. I get more and more in touch with that everyday that I am with middle schoolers. Their own lives are such a raw picture of the suffering that I have somehow "made it through." This week I've had students being beaten up by their parents, students failing, students hurting one another and fighting... It has been insane!

Those were just examples of what I've been thinking about though. I've felt really called in prayer recently to penance and suffering for the sake of the Church. The scandals, lack of vocations, moral deterioration, Church and school closings are all calls from God to step out of the comfort zone and into the unknown - an unknown that I am certain is filled with sanctifying suffering.

Each of us is carrying a different part of the one Cross carried by Christ for all eternity. Each of us is blessed with a share in this saving, suffering cross because none of us can possibly carry the same weight Christ did once and for all. I need for you (whoever you are) to carry your part of the Cross - because I can't carry all of it and in order to participate in the life of Christ I must pick up my Cross and follow Him. I know intimately that this Cross was specifically chosen for me to carry for you so that you wouldn't need to. You carry a cross for me so that I can carry my own. We make up the one Body of Christ crucified on the one Cross of our Redemption. As I look at all the pain in the world around me I see so many people offering up a suffering I could never offer. I see others who make the offering of the Cross more and more difficult for those around them.

We are all called to carry our crosses. The question I am faced with this week is; how have I been carrying mine? Have I carried it well? Have I united it with Your's? Am I offering my suffering for those around me? Am I appreciative of the unique Cross each of my brothers and sisters carries for me? How do I show my gratitude and love for each of them?

Going back in time...

2011-04-10T19:50:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish you could go back in time? I frequently do - but especially today. I'm just too fiery for my own good and for the good of others sometimes. I wish God would calm me down a bit because I'm so bad at prudence sometimes!

Have you ever known that you are right about something but haven't discerned correctly in the moment whether it was the right time, place, or person to discuss the topic? That's exactly what I did today. It wasn't the right person, time, or place to discuss what we did and I showed more than I was comfortable with of my emotions about the topic. I wish I didn't - but I did. Maybe I wasn't wrong in sharing... maybe I'm just uncomfortable with sharing my feelings like that. Maybe I care so much about the topic that I felt too vulnerable, too raw - not "ladylike" enough.

Maybe, really, I'm just uncomfortable with being passionate about something. It is as if sometimes there is a wariness in me about "rocking the boat." I feel like there is this expectation that we don't talk about things that cause disagreement, discussion, emotion, and different viewpoints. I don't know where the expectation comes from. I'm not sure why I even entertain it... I'm not exactly a peacemaker most of the time.

I just don't know. What is the right way to stand up for what is right? How do you know though? Is it only good when you're comfortable afterwards with what was said? Or is it good that I'm disturbed and uncomfortable with what happened? Is it an indication of passion and growth? Or is it stubbornness and close mindedness?

I don't think I'm going to get an answer.

Daily Life, the Cross of Christ, and Prayer

2011-04-08T23:07:00.000-04:00

I have this enormous crucifix in my classroom. It is beautiful - dark wood, detailed corpus. I've never seen such a large crucifix in a classroom but it definitely is helpful when I start a spiel to the kids about how Jesus died a terrible horrific death on the Cross and they should be able to give a pencil to the person sitting next to them, help pick up someone's books, do their homework, stop complaining... etc. I get all serious and dramatic and point up at it and give my lecture - and surprisingly they listen in the little things and I know it makes a spiritual impact. If only these little situations were the only ones. Unfortunately, they have crosses that are much bigger.

They have parents who have betrayed them and their families. They are shuffled from house to house according to a legal document. They feel unlovable, unworthy, and unimportant. They have to justify their very existence because most of them never see the love that brought them into the world.

I just read a study about how the brain feels emotional pain in the same way as it feels bodily pain. I can honestly say that I have experienced and felt that abandonment, confusion, frustration, and pain that comes from family strife. I'm sure that that abandonment and pain is united to Jesus on the Cross. I'm sure that my students don't realize it but they are also held closely in the heart of Christ as they suffer that same pain.

The other day one of the teachers at school asked to talk to me after school. We sat in her classroom and talked about our students, our own families, our own trials and sufferings. We had tears in our eyes during most of the conversation. She told me that her sister says she doesn't pray enough and that she should pray the rosary more. Now, I love the Rosary... like super love it, so my comment was NOT about not praying the rosary. It was in recognition of the prayer that was already happening in her.

God's grace really came to me in that moment bringing me to the realization that the carrying of that pain and those crosses each day are absolutely moments of living prayer. It is a true crucifixion. Jesus wasn't sitting in a Chapel. He was carrying a Cross. He was actively involved in the march to His death and the crowd around Him.

Now it is my turn, and that teacher's turn to carry our crosses with Him for the crowd around us - our children, who will unfortunately carry their crosses in turn. I can't quite explain the feeling and "knowing" I have that this is true - that this suffering is important to life, to the Church, to the Body of Christ.

It is a comfort to know that my suffering means something to Him. It is a comfort to know that I can understand and share my suffering with others in love and hope and peace. It is a comfort to know that that same love, peace, and hope are waiting, as gifts of grace, to our children.

Update!

2011-03-26T23:23:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been a crazy March! I haven't had a minute to myself in weeks. Finally, this Saturday I could take a little holy relaxation! That is probably why I am up so late because I just don't want this free time to end! So, anyway, I think a post is in order. Between school, community, and prayer there has been nothing but sleep in the middle! However, I really feel very called right now to sacrifice and suffering as the future of religious life and I am happy to suffer and sacrifice because of fatigue, generosity, and zeal.

My community has been talking a lot about the future lately and I feel compelled to share some of my insights. First, I am really blessed to live in a community where I feel I can share my own feelings and thoughts without judgement and while knowing that although not everyone agrees with me we all respect one another. There really is a spirit of fraternal charity and the work of grace in our everyday conversations with one another. At the same time, I think we are at a point where we have to be challenged and challenge one another to be the religious women we are called to be. A sister recently told me, "Your religious life is your ONLY religious life." You only get one and you are the only one who gets to live that particular life. It was so amazing to hear someone verbalize that calling in such a profound way. I don't know what is ahead for me but God has given me this religious life at this time for a particular reason - and the same is true for everyone else.

That very simple thought makes me feel extremely personally responsible for the future of religious life in my congregation. What am I doing that furthers God's mission in the world? How am I building up the Kingdom of God? How am I witnessing to the relationship I have with Jesus to everyone I meet? Am I really living the religious life I desire and God desires for me?

Now I will be busy all April answering these questions. Holy Spirit - enlighten me!

Lesson Planning

2011-03-07T21:57:00.000-05:00

Any teachers can appreciate the much used acronym, "SWBAT." For those who are not teachers or who don't use this acronym all the time... it stands for, "Students will be able to..." When I write my lessons for each unit I write a list of things that my students will be able to do by the end of the unit or lesson. After the "to" I always begin my objective with a dynamic verb from Bloom's Taxonomy. I know all of this sounds ridiculous (unless your a teacher) but it has some really practical applications that I hadn't thought of until this evening when I was talking to another sister about our religious life.

What if I changed "Student" to "Sister"? What should sister be able to do? Well, looking at the verbs from Bloom's Taxonomy I have a few ideas.

Sister will be able to...

identify God's presence in the people she serves and the sisters with whom she lives.
explain in word and in action God's salvific work.
be an example of the intimate relationship between God and each soul.
demonstrate charity and mercy working with justice and morality by showing compassion while still challenging God's people.
prepare for the coming of God's Kingdom.
differentiate between right and wrong and help others to do the same.
relate to her sisters as "one in mind and heart."
reconstruct the world around her to be in line with the values of the Kingdom of God.
justify her belief in her Spouse through prayer and knowledge, with the gift of faith, for all people.

Now, I'm sure I could come up with a lot more... and much more eloquent examples. However, it was an easy way for me to meditate and pray over what it is that Jesus, the divine teacher, is trying to bring about in my heart and soul. This is a quick, five minute, list of objectives. It is a really easy way for me to both examine my conscience and look to where God is calling me. What could God be calling you to be able to do?

March

2011-03-06T21:46:00.000-05:00

Well, as far as my life is concerned, March is already a wash. No free weekends, free days, time at all - just lots of new and exciting, exhausting and overwhelming, work and fun. It looks like the storm before the calm is here. Summer is coming but these next few months are going to be wild.

On Saturday I went to a funeral and then straight to the Motherhouse for a community meeting. After the community meeting, feeling quite overwhelmed by what I needed to get done, my young nun friends and I went out for a little pizza and a lot of chat. It was great to be together and just talk about what is going on in our schools and houses. Although we are all inundated with tons of work it was great to take a little time to enjoy one another's company.

It's amazing how much a good friend does for the spiritual life. I came back to my local house feeling refreshed and rededicated to doing my best to live religious life to the fullest. It doesn't always feel like roses and rainbows. It requires a lot of sacrifice and we all get rundown and unenthusiastic at times. Spiritual friendships form the foundation to continue forward in charity and forgiveness to be better than before. My friends helped me remember whose I am and who I am.

Prayers Please

2011-02-26T22:20:00.000-05:00

With fear, I admit going to Dunkin Donuts again today. Today though I went to get a little treat for a sister who lives in my convent but is currently taking care of her sick family member. On my way to visit her, I stopped to get them some muffins as a little treat for them.

While I was waiting in line, a man came over and asked if he could pay for my order. I said that I was actually getting a gift for someone else so he offered to buy me a cup of coffee instead. I said yes, but only because I knew he really wanted to do something for a sister. I asked his name and he told me so I held out my hand to shake his and he kissed my hand! I've never had something like that happen before! Well... the woman behind the counter said, "wow!" That was my response as well!

Anyway, he was very sweet and told me that he hadn't been to church in a while and that his children weren't baptized. He was really upset about both. Please say a prayer for him that he has the courage to come back to us.

2011-02-25T23:15:00.001-05:00

Well, It is 10:30 pm and I just got in the convent. I know you are probably thinking..."What are you doing out so late? Why would a nun be gone until 10:30? Was she at a wild party?" Okay, you might not ask the last one... but it's true. I was at a wild party.

I just got home from a Home and School Association function for the kids. I've been awake since 4:30 this morning and I have been working since then. That's apostolic religious life. I think sometimes people think that because we have more freedom in this way of life that we aren't "real sisters." Maybe they think that we don't pray enough. Maybe they don't think we should be out of the house as much. Maybe they think that because we are out, we aren't with community enough. I don't really know the exact reason. But I thought I would give a really realistic look at my life today. The real freedom is in being able to respond to God's movement, the needs of the people, and the structures of community living all at the same time.

I've already said what my normal day to day life looks like but this was a day full of schedule changes and special circumstances but it was also pretty awesome. My life is a real balancing act because I am a religious called to be apostolic - to go out into the world to do God's work. It is much different from being a monastic who, in addition to structured prayer and community life, does some ministry or work. Intrinsic to my vocation is being with the people as a faithful witness. This balancing act includes prayer, community, and apostolate and everyday is a different and new adventure.

Today after Mass at the nearby parish to which we drive each day, my sister principal and I stopped for a Dunkin Donuts treat on our drive back to school. Sometimes the kids give us a gift card and we save it for special occasions (with the permission of the superior) - like the beginning of standardized testing. We definitely needed the caffeine before a long day. Once I got to school I took all my test materials out of my closet and was trying to straighten up my desk before I had a meeting with my grade partners. For 40 minutes before school started we hashed it out (in a good way :) ) with our school counselor about a few kids with major issues. Then we picked our homeroom students up from the hall and brought them back to the room. As I took roll and got the kids unpacked they told me about Grandma being run over (I'm not kidding - she's ok but say a prayer for her if you can), a cousin who died, their punishment for not doing their homework and so on and so on.

When we were finished unpacking, we began our testing. I used the time between giving directions while they were filling in all those bubbles to pray my rosary as I walked around the room to make sure they were in the right section and taking their time.

When they were finished we had religion class, lunch, and then I had one science class. We said our afternoon prayers and I took my line down the street and said, "See you soon." I talked really entertaining "trash" on how I was going to beat them at the activity that night and they cracked up laughing. It was a fun walk at dismissal. After that I went back to close up the classroom. On my way out, a parent showed up about a demerit her child received from me. So I had an impromptu and unfortunate parent conference and then left to get an early dinner in the convent. I took my office book back to school with me and I was changing my decorations to Lent. I took a break to pray and continued working on my decorations and on grading copybooks.

At 7, I went to the HASA event. The kids were hilarious and we had a wonderful time. It was also time that they were not spending roaming the city streets or getting into trouble. It was time they spent working as a team, spending time with their teachers, parents, and friends, and just having wholesome fun. But here it is, 11:00 pm now, and I'm writing on my blog.

If I was in a community where prayers were solemn-high at night on a Friday - I wouldn't be there for these kids. I pray for them ALL the time. Prayer is vital to my life. However, as an apostolic religious I have to take it when I can get it and let it invade my life. The kids see that I pray. They see that I love God because they are such a priority in my life. They are there for so much of my prayer time. School isn't something I fit in... neither is prayer. They are both vital and frequently they overlap.

Basically, it's a great life. It's an exciting life. It's a challenging life. It's the life God has called me to live for Him. A stricter community is, objectively, more attractive to me; but I know the reason is because it would be easier for me (not for everyone, but for me). I hate having to work things in. I'm a very scheduled person and I hate having to be flexible. I have a difficult time being moved by the Spirit and going with God's will. I plan everything. I believe God has called me to what is more difficult for me to stretch me and change me. I have to find the time for each vital part of my life until they become one living reality. It is difficult but it is the most joyful.

Youth

2011-02-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it is a tightrope act in school when trying to be there for the kids while at the same time being a professional. Today I had one of those days. I've said it before but my kids tell me everything. The boys gave me a real lesson on a few phrases today which I found quite... interesting... I'm still not sure about any of it but after we talked the kids told me how grateful they are that they can say what is going on in their life when they are with me and I don't yell at them. I said to them... why would I yell? What would it help for me to get angry with you for knowing something that is "bad?" It isn't their fault that they know it. If I'm mad at them for knowing... I can't exactly help them to live the Gospel. I'm just pretending that they are something they aren't. It isn't 1950 anymore.

A week ago, I knew that one of my girls was in the middle of a difficult family situation. I thought and prayed about it and, although it wouldn't be my number one choice, I chose to tell her about my own family situation. They were so similar and I felt like I might be able to help her by telling her. I kept some things to myself but I shared what I could. Today she gave me a piece of paper with badly written paragraph on it. It was kinda rambling; however, I got what she meant. I wrote her back with a popular song lyric and a quote from JPII. It was all about freedom and living life to the fullest amidst her own pain.

I hope all of it helps and brings fruit. In faith I know that God will bring fruits that I will never know of. It's just amazing. Each time it happens I think how blessed I am to watch God work over and over again. It is like seeing grace under a microscope. I watch it move and change, grow and transform. It is a science of it's own.

Philadelphia

2011-02-20T22:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't really identified too often where I live and I usually don't talk about particular situations but I feel like I'm ready to say what I've been thinking and praying about these past two weeks.

When I was in high school I converted to the Catholic Church. My parents thought I was brainwashed by a priest. I really didn't care. I had finally found someone who really cared about my soul and I was grateful to God for that. I was in college, before I was a sister, when the first sex abuse scandal broke in Philadelphia. I remember being in Spanish class and having my teacher bring it up. He was so insulting to the Church, in a Catholic college. I walked out and reported him. He told me he would fail me. I really didn't care. I knew it was an unfortunate and sinful thing that had happened but was being fixed.

However, I have to be honest when I say that I thought this was all behind us. If you don't know... there is another grand jury report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia. That's what I'm talking about.

Now as this next round begins; I'm a middle school teacher in the city. Sisters and friends keep asking me, "Did you read what the Cardinal said?" "Did you see the news story on...?" "Has anyone at your house said...?". My students eloquently ask, "What happened with those perverts?" Now, I am normally the one who has read/seen/heard all the news on everything. Most of my nun friends count on me to have the answers because I like to read and ponder and explore issues. However, my answer these days has been "no" or "I don't know."

My "no" isn't because I want to pretend it isn't happening. (Please, I work with 12-15 year olds... I don't get the luxury of pretending anything-they are like lie detector tests.) My "no" is because I can't see that in my life right now my keeping up with this news is going to be the most fruitful or grace filled way for me to be present to the Church here. My response has to be solution-oriented. That is why it makes me so angry to see people protesting outside the Cathedral, spreading gossip and hearsay, and giving radio interviews about the whole situation. None of those are solutions to the problem that is at hand. They are simply talk and distraction from what God is really asking of us.

I'm sure that there are many people who would disagree that my approach is geared to a solution but I feel it truly is. I am offering my sacrifices and my prayers for the Church in Philadelphia and I am trying to educate the future leaders of the Church here. That is all that I can do. I can see in the eyes of my students God's grace calling them forth to radical sacrifice and trust in His promise through these events which will shape their understanding of Church and holiness forever. I can only rely on my own experience, that God brings forth great grace in times of great sin. I have to believe that he will use even this terrible experience for the building up of the Kingdom.

Then I look again at my kids... how do they make sense of this stuff? We did talk about it in really general terms but the saddest thing is that they aren't even shocked. They hear about this stuff all the time anyway. Maybe it is better they don't get upset by it. I don't really know. I just know I'm trying to encourage them to live knowing that they are preparing for a future where they will be responsible for the unfortunate situation we are in now. That's why I'm so proud of them. They are living up to it though. They are my hope.

I know it affects everyone in a different and daily way. For me, I go to chapel in the early morning hours in the convent and I pray for our Church. In my convent, the sister in charge of chapel put sign and candle in front of the altar saying that we are praying for our priests. In my apostolate, I am trying to foster the spirit of loving sacrifice, perseverance, and selfless giving. These seem to be exactly what we need... at least in my mind and heart.... during this time of sadness and pain.

I hope that God will accept my gift of self and the gifts that I know my students are offering for the Church in Philadelphia. We have been blessed with saintly leaders like St. John Neumann and St. Katharine Drexel and I really believe God will give the grace to raise up more holy men and women to work hard - to give their lives - for the Church here. I think my students find that exciting (except the whole body in a glass box thing - that kinda creeps them out :) ).

Jesus, please help us. We have nothing if we don't have You. Please enter the hearts of Your children and inspire in them radical faith, love, and hope to follow You unreservedly, knowing that You alone will fulfill their every desire. Change our hearts Lord!

Scattered

2011-02-12T23:10:00.000-05:00

This morning I felt so much comfort in the response to the psalm at Mass, "In every age, O Lord, you have been our refuge." This is probably going to be a really scattered post because I'm still thinking myself about everything that has happened in Philadelphia in the past few days. Another indictment and another scandal has come out again. It breaks the hearts of the people - the priests, the religious, the laity, the victims. I'm still working it out in my mind and heart right now. I have tried to post a few times but have stopped each time because I'm just not sure what to say.

I can't describe the sorrow I feel about everything. I really do believe in faith that God is allowing us to experience this terrible mortification and purification right now for our own good. When I look at the state our Church is in at this time I just wait and watch to see the great holy men and women God will call to do His work... to rebuild His Church. My students fill my heart with hope as I watch their hearts slowly be enflamed through the purifying fire that is upon us now.

We received a letter to send home to parents after the news broke but the teachers were not allowed to comment on it. My kids being the holy-rollers they are, wanted to read it right away when they saw it was from the Cardinal. As I told them to put the letters in their backpacks they reminded me, "But Sister, this is important. It's from the Cardinal!" The next day they wanted us to talk about it again. I wish I could have but I was under not permitted to do so. Instead we spoke about how God could be calling them to be the hope and the future of the Church. A few days before we were talking about the story of Abraham and the idea of sacrificing our wills. My students came up with a few ways they could try to sacrifice their wills. They are really competitive so it wasn't hard at all for me to get them to think of the best way to beat themselves! They decided that they would offer one of those sacrifices for the Archdiocese of Philadelphia without any prompting of my own.

How much will God listen to the sacrifices of His dear children in response to the pain and hurt of His children before? I believe their sacrifices will be what saves us.

I have to be honest when I say that I am angry at those who have caused this to happen to our Church. That is not to say that I believe everything in the media but that I'm sure what they report has happened at some point and I am furious with a righteous anger that we have been betrayed as a Church and as children of God. I am also convinced that God will raise up leaders whose holiness will be a brilliant light for the world.

We are at such a unique time where the sin of the world has entered into the Church and we are losing more and more everyday - not to say that there aren't any hopeful signs - but to be truthful that it is a difficult time for anyone to follow Christ. I really believe that there will be a new springtime of generous sacrifice, radical love, and deep conversion to living the Gospel. At the same time I hope they don't resent the rest of us too much for our shortcomings. They have been failed.

Please join with me in prayer that God does for us what we need... that He cares for us as His children and that He protects the children under our care now and always. Jesus, we need you! Amen.

Hope

2011-02-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

This week my convent had the joy of having one of our sisters stay with us. It was lovely. Today she came to school to see my classroom and my students. Of course, I was bragging up and down about them. "They made Confirmation this year and they are so holy and wonderful..." And they really are, usually, pretty holy for sixth graders. They may not always make the right decisions but they definitely have consciences that work. When something happens sometimes they turn themselves in before I even find out about it. It makes my heart fill with happiness to see what wonderful young men and women they are.

However, that picture was then shattered this afternoon - okay... I'm being dramatic. It wasn't shattered but it did take a heavy blow. At dismissal the boys were talking to me about the dance that a local Catholic, not school, organization has for them monthly. They said, "What if Sister came?" "I wouldn't go." I acted very offended (I wasn't; I just know they think it's funny when I act like that because they giggle and giggle) and asked why they would ever not want me around. After all, I'm the best Sister they have (and the only one!).

I was so sad when they really told me why they wouldn't want me there - because of the way they "dance." Yes, I know it has a name but I'm not going to even repeat it here. I guess maybe they thought I wouldn't know it, but I'm in my twenties so I know everything they are talking about. It just broke my heart to hear that they think that is okay to do. They don't understand even a little bit how terrible it is.

So here is my dilemma... the world is taking over our children. I don't feel like we can compete... other than by our faith in Jesus that He will be present to them. But we have to be doing something wrong. Or there has to be something more that we can be doing? I don't know what it is though. A few ideas for the moment are; modelling, sacrifice and penance, and intentional prayer for them. We really are in a battle for the future of our world and for the salvation of souls. It is increasingly difficult to form a good conscience everyday. Everyday there is a new assault on things good and beautiful and right. Whether it comes from the TV, the parents, the friends, or the neighborhoods... or all of them, our kids are being sucked in without a chance to a way of living that will never give them the true peace and joy that comes with a life of love.

I know one conversation doesn't mean the world is over... but one conversation can be very telling - and this one was. Pray with me that God calls up new leaders and new models for our young people and that they respond wholeheartedly to His call to live and love in faith.

My Nuns Rock!

2011-02-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

My local convent community is basically awesome. This is my first year here and these sisters amaze me with their generosity and hospitality ALL the time. Whatever shortcomings we all have... together... we are a really great group. I'm so grateful to God for putting me in this community with these particular sisters.

This weekend I realized all over again how awesome they really are. I asked to invite a large group of young sisters to stay at our house overnight so that we could recreate and be together. They said yes and were thrilled to have the youngin's invade the house. We live in a rather large house for the number of sisters here so there is a lot of room. As part of our community spirit of hospitality I got all the sisters rooms ready for them before they came; beds turned down, towels out, extra blanket ready, homemade welcome sign, and a little Valentine gift on their beds. I had a lot of fun, haha. I love to entertain.

After everyone arrived safe and sound, well almost sound... this was Catholic Horrors...ummm... I mean Catholic Schools Week, we found out that one of the sisters had a little gift for us too. Her superior gave us a little donation to get a bite out to eat. We went for some wonderful food and talked, talked, and talked some more... about convent life, prayer, community, school, students, friends, family... and anything else we could think of. When we got back, we joined the nuns in the community room and chatted for a while again.

When the majority of the group had fallen asleep in their chairs we got everyone up to bed amidst a lot of giggling and smiles. It was just great to be together. We slept in and went to a late Mass... after which we continued talking and just enjoying one another's company.

Bottom line is... other nuns might be annoyed by a bunch of giggly, loud, and goofy young nuns hanging around but mine are awesome (obviously we aren't disrespectful but it is nice to let loose with one another). They were just happy to share our convent home with other sisters and enjoy one another's company. It was great.

So now I am feeling quite happy and energetic about everything. I love this feeling... it is definitely God's way of telling me to keep going and enjoy the exciting ride of religious life. He is so present in that hospitality and goodness of the sisters with whom I live and I love to see Him there all the time!

Can there really be more?

2011-01-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

I have already lost count of how many snow days we have had here... but it seems like each week we are off from school once again because of a freak snowstorm. Today was another day.... tomorrow will be another.

Today I spent about three hours with some of the boys trying to dig the convent cars out. They are adorable but I'm not sure if I will be able to get out of bed after shoveling for so long. We only got one car out! One car after three hours of work. I can't believe it! Also after the three hours of work we had hot dogs and a snowball fight. That was their pay for all their hard work!

This year I chose as my yearly intention the survival of Catholic Education. However, I am wondering more and more about the survival of education period if we are never in school! Now again we are hearing that there will be another storm next week. The kids are loving it, but as a teacher, I am exhausted with the lack of instructional time.

I love being a teacher and being in school. I wonder all the time how we can respond to the needs of young people through Catholic education. It is getting more expensive, enrollment is going down, we are losing our ability to be in the worst neighborhoods, discipline is lacking because of family dynamics - and we have more and more students who are non-Catholic (not a bad thing because it is evangelization, but we must educate our own children.) Another struggle is forming young men and women into the adults God has made them to be when their lives are filled with over-sexualization, partying, lack of self-discipline, and lack of motivation. We have to be everything to them and there are less and less sisters teaching in schools who can be available all the time for our children.

Just some thoughts on the situation as we approach Catholic Schools Week next week - if we are ever in school again!

Germs and Community

2011-01-16T21:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it is good to take stock of life... almost always it doesn't measure up to expectations though, haha. These past few days I have been at workshops and I have a wicked cold so I have been like a ghost in the convent. They see my shadow move around... to get tea, sometimes venturing to get food... but not much else. To be honest... I miss the nuns! I miss Jesus in Chapel!

Now, I wouldn't be such a ghost if the circumstances were not out of my control, however, it does make me realize how important those parts of my life are... and how easily I can forget them. Tonight when I ventured downstairs out of my bedroom to get some tea for my cough I thought... how long has it been since I've been in the community room? The answer is a few days. I hate that! But I've been sick and leaving early and coming home late from workshops. It isn't always like this.

Tonight though I found myself thinking... is there anyone out there? It felt quite lonely to not have seen anyone in a few days. I don't know how some sisters do it; living in apartments or doing jobs that keep them travelling frequently. I would find that so difficult. I love my nuns. I love living in community and I love living with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

We always joke. When someone is sick the nuns always say, "Stay in the same temperature." It really translates into, "Please stay in your room... we don't want your germs." That's where I am right now... I've been exiled so I'll just have to wait it out. I know the nuns will welcome me back without my germs as soon as I get rid of them.

Vocation Awareness

2011-01-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

Well... I just wanted to say I was grateful for the comments on my last post. I'm going to put it on the side burner until I get a little perspective... or distance, from this strange encounter I have had. In other news... it was vocation awareness week this week and I tried to make my dear students very, very aware. I know, I always say it, but, they are the best kids in the whole world.

Many of them, as their hormones rage in middle school, say that they would not want to be a priest, sister, brother, consecrated virgin... I love their honesty and questions and I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything in their hearts and minds. It is interesting to me that the sixth grade boys tell me everything, the eighth grade girls tell me everything and seventh grade, boys and girls, can't keep a secret to save their lives. It makes them all the more endearing to my heart!

Anyway, the other day, one of the girls in eighth grade was giving me the update on the two boys who are both attempting to win her affections these days. She is just a beautiful girl who has had a very difficult family life but has matured with the help of God's grace. I listened as I always do and gave her my advice... (one of the boys seems much nicer than the other!). Her homeroom teacher came to me at the end of the day and told me that she said that I was the "perfect nun." HA! Her reasoning was that I "was holy, but still understood the business..." It made me really happy to hear that - even though I'm not holy... she is right that I understand "the business." It isn't that long that I have been out of the dating scene and I think I do "get it."

After that, one of my boys came to talk to me about something I told him the other day. He was goofing off with one of the other boys. They really are good kids but it certainly wasn't the most respectful conversation as far as women go. I said to him, "If I were (the girl he liked), my feelings would be hurt right now." He said to me, "Sister, you were right. I talked to 'Mary' last night and she was upset about what I said. I said I was sorry and it's alright now." I won't lie... I definitely was happy to hear I was right! haha. But I was happier that he learned something about how much it matters how he acts. He is really a leader among his peers and if he knows how to behave, he can influence many of them to behave like young Catholic men.

No matter what my girls or boys choose to do with their lives, although I hope and pray that they follow God's will for them, I will be proud of them for their decisions. I know that they are growing into mature and responsible young men and women. I thank God so much for the opportunity to walk with them. It is such a gift to me to be able to see His grace operating in their lives. It fills my heart with gratitude and love as I watch them grow into God's own special gift to the world.

Religious Habit

2011-01-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about the habit. I've had some uncomfortable experiences in the past few months regarding my habit and so I have been trying to work it all out in my head and heart and for some reason, I feel like sharing.

My take on the habit is that it is absolutely necessary. My community has some options and to be completely honest - I hate it. I wish we all wore the same thing all the time. However, we do wear a habit and for that I am grateful. The style of habit I wear is definitely in my opinion - "poor, modest, and becoming." It is practical for the work I do and the place I live and it certainly offers a witness to the people I meet.

However, my recent experiences have left me questioning my attitudes about the habit and the attitudes of others. It doesn't make me uncomfortable when people point out how happy they are to see a young sister in a habit - it is a normal and appropriate conversation piece. However, when a grown man tells me that I'm too young and beautiful to be a sister - a red alarm goes off in my mind. When someone stops me in the store to ask me where I work and what community I am in - I happily answer, with as much information as I can safely give. However, when someone asks to touch me (yes - I'm not joking - this did happen) I am extremely uncomfortable. I mean - how do you graciously answer that question?!

The above examples being strange - I would also add that others are just plain scary. While I love that the world knows that I am a spouse of Christ because of my habit - because of that witness I can also become an easy target. I didn't realize this until very recently when a man (a man who should have known better by his state in life than to say this to me) stated, "You should be careful, many men will find you attractive because you are young, pretty, and in a habit." (His intention was not to honestly warn me.)

Since then I have found myself extremely uncomfortable in a few situations and I have been asking myself a few questions to which I still have no answers. Should I stop wearing the habit I now wear in favor of a less feminine version? Does the veil always incite this type of attention? Are there times when it is appropriate, prudent, and justifiable not to wear the habit for the safety of oneself? Would people identify me as "less of a nun" if I wore a habit that was not as traditional as the more feminine one I wear now even though it is still blessed? How do I continue to give an open, approachable, and honest witness while still guarding myself from the inappropriate comments of others?

So those are my thoughts at the moment on the habit - not the most religious and inspiring, but a struggle that I'm sharing for now. I hope it wasn't too much to share, but I do feel like sometimes the issue of the habit isn't talked about with a lot of openness and understanding and I just wanted to shed another light on it. Let me know what you think.

Panic and Peace

2011-01-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

Well... here is the update... I've lost it all. There is no retrieving any of my information on my broken flash drive. I have been spending quite a bit of time trying to make up for so much lost work so I haven't been writing too much.

I bet many of my kids had a little breakdown before they had to come back to school after a whole week off. I mean, it's daunting to have time to be free and then know how much work is ahead of you. I had the same experience right before school started back up again this week! While I stayed pretty calm for a few days after the flash drive incident when I went to school to get prepared to teach this past week I was very very upset.

When I told the kids what happened their first question was, "Did you cry, Sister?" The answer is YES. It was so overwhelming to lose so much work. I didn't even know where to begin again. I had everything planned for the year. What I realized though was that God was shaking me up a little bit. Everything has been going to well for me but it has been due to my reliance on myself and not on Him. I don't think HE broke my flash drive, haha, but He did use it for His own purposes.

I really think that feeling uncomfortable is a sign for me of God working in my life. Anytime I get too comfortable with myself, my apostolate, my prayer, my community; I see God throw some loops into my perfect world so that I can practice trusting Him and allowing Him to be in control of my life. I have a really hard time doing that. Discomfort lets me know that I'm on the right path. That discomfort forces me to be more intentional in the way I live religious life and the way I serve God's people. It's a great tool for me to grow.

So, while my lost flash drive is a huge setback in my schoolwork, it is a forward movement in relationship with God. I'm trying to remind myself of that as I work through the weekend. Thank God it snowed and I wouldn't have been able to go out anyway!

Panic!

2010-12-30T22:05:00.000-05:00

My flash drive just broke in my computer... it has all my schoolwork on it... all of it. Tests, Quizzes, Notes... Everything. Please pray that I can recover these files. I just was saying the other day that if I lost that flash drive... well it would be bad. Now here I am. I will be lost without this stuff. Please pray! I am extremely grateful!

Out and About

2010-12-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

This is one of the best weeks to be a teacher... because you're off all week. Our sisters usually use this week to visit other convents, their family, and friends. It is nice to have some less structured time to be able to nurture the relationships that God gives us.

I went to visit a sister who I am good friends with last night and I stayed over at her convent. We had a wonderful time catching up on everything going on at the convents, talking about community stuff, and taking notes on school things (we both teach the same age group... which means good ideas from one another!) It was so life-giving to spend some time with someone who really is a friend in the spiritual sense. You can't share with everyone your struggles, imperfections, successes and heartaches.

I'm thrilled to see the world picking up on growth in religious life for many communities, especially in the recent spotlight on the Nashville Dominicans. I would hate for anyone to think I'm being petty, but it isn't the same for all communities who are really faithful. My community has always been faithful to Church teaching and we just aren't growing in the same way they are so I have a different experience of community life than some of those sisters do, which is good, not a bad thing! I'd just like to give voice to my own experience.

I was realizing the other day that I really have no day to day contact with peers. The sisters with whom I live are all older and I teach middle school students. I love community and I love school but there are times when I miss very much the interaction I have with people of my own age. The sisters with whom I live are very intentional in allowing me to be young... in fact I think it entertains them to entertain me but they sometimes can't relate to everything going on in my life.

That's why it is so great for me to have a religious who is a friend. We have the same generational experiences and so she helps me to be able to understand my struggles and joys in the context of religious life and my own life experience in a way that someone much older wouldn't be able to. It isn't a downplay of the older sisters at all. They offer me wisdom and example that I can't get from anywhere else. They challenge me to live religious life radically. They just might not be able to sing along to the same song on the radio or go to a freezing cold soccer game.

There also comes the points of temptation in our world now. Many things that come on the TV or movies or out of our student's mouths are not up to Catholic moral standards. I hate to say this but... it goes over the older sisters heads sometimes. A rainbow to them means hope, to me it means homosexual rights. The word gay means happy to them. Eminem is a candy, not a rapper. A player is in a board game... not the dating world... The list could go on and on (I tried to use the most G-rated examples I could think of!) But this doesn't even mention the unwanted attention I receive sometimes as a young sister in a habit that can only be described as inappropriate that they might see as being complimentary.

We all have to talk about it, and I'm grateful to have a friend who gets it and can offer solutions and support for all the ins and outs of religious life in our world right now. Hopefully, I do the same.

Christmas

2010-12-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

These past two days have been so wonderful and I am just terrible. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I love my life, I love religious life. I love the sisters I live with and I love what I do.

In my convent, which is relatively young, the next sister in age to me is over 20 years older than I am. I am the youngest sister in my whole community and it's tough being the youngest - not impossible, but still hard. Part of it being hard is that God is in it. If He weren't in it, it would be easy, simple, and wonderful all the time. But it's not and so I know He is really here.

Today I was annoyed. I was annoyed at the preparations for dinner. I was annoyed at the crazy nun-dom stuff that happens. I was annoyed at Mass. I was annoyed at things people said and did. Ugh, I was just terrible.

I tried to remind myself that it isn't about things being perfect because Christ came into this imperfect world in a really super imperfect way. Nothing was ready; nothing was pretty, nothing was regal... It was all love though.

It is so hard to balance everything and to do it all perfectly and I realize more than ever now that it is completely impossible. There is too much in everyday life. There are only 24 hours a day and much more to be done. I'm still going to do my best but I'm not working towards perfect anymore... I'm working towards love and selflessness. I can't possibly be perfect... I can't live in the perfect circumstances... But maybe, I can do what Jesus did in imperfection and love.

I expect to be blogging more this week... we are having a major snowstorm. I'll be with the nuns all week which will be a plus for my love in imperfect circumstances.

Prayers for all this holy season. Merry Christmas.

There are so many things you can't do when...

2010-12-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

you have no voice! The past few days of Christmas preparations and last days of school have been interesting since I can only whisper.

I had to elect a spokesman in school to make all of my announcements and give directions to the students. They were thrilled with this but still told me they hoped I would feel better for Christmas. Today one of my boys came over with a present for me and was very entertained that I still couldn't speak and was cleaning when he came to the convent.

I'm feeling fine but my voice has just escaped me. Do you think St. Anthony works on things like this? I'll have to ask him to help me out.

Today all the nuns were around and about cleaning and decorating and doing last minute wrapping. We were answering the door every other minute as people brought us beautiful baked goods and lovely Christmas offerings.

This evening though was the most touching. I went out after I was finished working in the house to get my hair cut and to pick up something to help with my throat. When I walked into Hair Cuttery, a man offered me his seat. He was handsome, maybe a few years older than me but still young. The woman next to me was called and he sat down next to me. I was very impressed with his kindness and he began to tell me that he hadn't been to church in a while. He seemed a little bit nervous but finally he asked me if I knew anything about a cross he was wearing that had some symbols on it. I didn't. He very nervously made a comment about my ring being on the ring finger of my left hand. I think he must have been really checking out the nun thing to notice such a small, though meaningful, part of my habit. I explained to him that when I made my vows the priest put this ring on my finger while saying that I was betrothed to the eternal King and I showed him the engraving.

He was called back and he offered me his hand and wished me a happy Christmas. I know it doesn't sound like much but I could tell by his facial expressions and the way he spoke that he was touched by meeting a sister. It just goes to show that we are all responsible to bring Jesus into the world - to make Him visible to others by our lives.

Jesus, come into our hearts and make us more like you.

Well... someone did cry...

2010-12-16T20:39:00.000-05:00

Well, someone did cry because it is Christmas. It was a student. Actually, it was many students. This week I've had probably about ten kids crying their little eyes out. There is so much pressure in the lead up to Christmas with report cards, Santa, Demerits, last minute school work, and other goofy antics that cause them to get into trouble and hurt themselves. Basically, I've been a damage controller all day. It is exhausting!

Last night the eighth grade girls came over to decorate the convent for Christmas. It was a lovely night. It is so nice for me to be able to chat with them outside of school. They gave me the dirt on all the love connections and asked me for all the "convent dirt." "Do you always get along with the other sisters?" "Do sisters ever say bad words?" "Do you ever wish you had a husband?" "Do you ever wish you had kids?" "What if you don't like what's for dinner?" "Who does the food shopping?" It made it well worth it to endure the tears and chaos in school these days to spend time with the girls as we trimmed the tree and goofed around.

Today it snowed! The kids are aware that I love the snow and immediately turn into a child when I see it. They were a big bundle of giggles as the snow fell and we didn't get a whole lot of schoolwork done. However, after all the tears, they did need a little bit of a break. At dismissal time one of the buses didn't show up and so I had a bunch of kids in my classroom while we waited for the bus to be sorted out. One by one they left was parents and friends came to pick them up until I was left with a little first grade girl, Mary, and a seventh grade boy, Justin. I never met the little girl before but my seventh grade friend is quite a character. He is always in trouble and always doing something fresh. For some reason I love the fresh boys so we usually get along but I always worry about him. He is always being written up and staying for detention.

Mary started making me play silly games and Justin looked a little disgusted with how goofy I was being with her. Eventually though he started to warm up and was laughing and being a fool right along with us. After about an hour of waiting I picked up a styrofoam ball that was going to be used for a science project later and I just yelled, "snow ball fight" and I threw one at Justin and one at Mary. I thought Justin would be too cool for my game but he started throwing it back and I saw something in him I never saw before. He was enjoying himself like a kid, with no concern about whether he was keeping up his appearance of not caring, and without trying to prove himself. It was beautiful. The sad part was that his facial expression told me that he couldn't believe that he was being allowed to just be a kid and be loved and enjoyed. I wonder if he has never experienced that before. I also saw that he was shocked that he was being allowed to be a goof with me, and that I actually was enjoying him as a goof.

It made me realize that the late nights, the painful feet, the papers, grades, and parents are all worth it for moments when a child realizes that he is loved and respected no matter what. I hope he remembers it. I hope he knows that he really is loved and liked at the same time. I hope he knows he can count on me.

It's not Christmas unless someone cries.

2010-12-12T22:01:00.001-05:00

Most of the sisters in my community would say these weeks are the worst weeks of the year; in school grades are due, the convent is being decorated, the kids are crazy, time is short, cookies need to be baked, presents wrapped, cards sent, and all the everyday things keep happening. I had my melt-down day today. In the novitiate, we always used to say that it wasn't Christmas if someone didn't cry. I was never that someone until today.

People sometimes warn about over-spiritualizing normal events in everyday life. I think I have failed to spiritualize them enough though these days. I've been so overwhelmed with school and community preparations for Christmas that I've forgotten that God is in all these things too. I hate to cry. I really don't even like emotions all that much... I know they are necessary but it's just not in me. Tonight though it all became too much for me. I spent all weekend at school working on some things that really weren't justly mine. I endured the advice of others to "relax." Then I felt the wrath of missing something important that I should have done a while ago. Needless to say, I found myself getting ready for bed and just crying. As I felt sorry for myself I realized that there are still opportunities that God gives me to forgive, to love, to be humbled, to sacrifice and mortify myself, and to work for His mission in the world. I just forgot that all these everyday things had that kind of meaning and grace in them. Basically, I was being a whiny brat. (I usually tell my middle school kids to "take it like a man" when they get a demerit or a detention, and I was not taking my own advice.)

Confession time - I haven't prayed as I should these days. I have bronchitis and I am exhausted so for the past week I have missed my daily prayer time in order to get more sleep so that I can work my life away. I know that has hurt my chances of doing anything the way God intends me to do it. Anyway, my prayer hasn't been great when it happens either. It's like I'm in a rut. Usually, I do really well to journal about things. It helps me to discern God's voice and action in my life but recently I've just been telling Him all the things I have to do. It has nothing to do with Him and it is all about me.

I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but again I know I'm falling into the trap of trying to "do" something in order to reap a benefit I see that I need. I know I really need to just entrust it all to the mercy of God and know that in His goodness He will show me His love and compassion.

I struggle with whether or not to share this particular part of my sadness tonight on a public forum but I think it is appropriate to share using prudence. It is hard as an active religious sometimes to totally avoid occasions of sin. Sometimes something small that someone says, while I am trying to be charitable and understanding, will stick with me and torture me. It may touch my pride, envy, or desire for affection and that thought will invade all other things. Something like that has been happening to me lately and I don't know quite how to handle it with charity and gentleness. Jesus did say to Peter, "Get behind me Satan." I do know that I need to end the relationship from which this temptation is coming toward me. This doesn't mean I stop praying in charity for the person or the situation but that I distance myself in witness to the Gospel of Christ and my vocation in His holy Church.

I know that Christ has given me a very particular grace to realize this lack of spiritual discernment and the harm being done me by a particular relationship. I must respond to it. I have been blessed to know that no matter what I have given my heart to Him and it can't belong to anyone else. I can't share it; I cannot entrust it; I cannot let it be seen by any other in the way I have allowed Him. It is difficult and painful at times but I do believe that the convergence of all these things at this time tonight was in His plan for me to rededicate myself to Him and to promise further my love and devotion to Him alone.

God keep giving me the grace! Amen.

The Art Museum

2010-12-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Today I took my kids to the Philadelphia Art Museum for a field trip. It was wonderful. I haven't been in a while although I really do love it there. After we arrived the kids ate lunch and then we had an hour to tour alone. One of the parents didn't show up so we had about twelve middle schoolers in a group.... of course it was interesting! Because I offered to make the groups, I gave myself all of the "special" children of God. I really do love them and they are good kids, but they have a lot of spirit in them! Since there were mostly boys we went almost straight to the horse and man arms. Lots of beautiful armor, knives, and guns kept the boys more than occupied.

God's grace did prevail in the beginning of our tour when, without my planning, we came upon some beautiful sacred art. (I just looked at the museum website and tried to find the exhibit but I don't see it and don't have enough time to research.) We entered thought a portal to a beautiful room and in the center an enormous Crucifix. The kids were amazed at His beauty and grace. They moved right past everything else in the room to get up close to Him. I read the information sheet on it, however; I don't remember much though because I was so taken by their faces as they identified the symbolism and love put into the creation of this work of art. I could see in their eyes that God was working in them as we pondered the beauty and richness of this image of Christ. We also saw a beautiful stone altar which filled them with amazement. They also saw some old Office Books on display and I reminded them of my own office book which I let them look through and explore one day when we went over it in class. When they realized that Catholics have celebrated these mysteries in the same way all this time they were really amazed.

Of course, we moved right onto the armory exhibit, which was also wonderful. It doesn't matter though... I saw God in their eyes today which is what I hope to see everyday. This morning while I was praying my Holy Hour before Morning Prayer I journaled that I hoped to be patient and loving this day with them. They were the ones who showed me their patience and their love. God's gifts are so great each and everyday. Today though, I am grateful to Him for my children who show me His life each and everyday.

Immaculate Conception

2010-12-08T14:01:00.000-05:00

Today is our Community Feast Day! This morning we celebrated in prayer with one another and then at Mass. At the parish Mass we renewed our vows publicly together. Yesterday, I told all the kids that if they came to that Mass they would see how we celebrate this day very especially. I was really touched by their presence, especially when after Mass was over they came up to say congratulations and happy feast. I celebrated the rest of the day by going to the doctor for the cold I'm sure my little angels gave me.

I'm going to take a nap until evening prayer, which is unusual, however, seeing as I am sick, I need all the rest I can get. Tonight we will pray together and have a little supper party. The best part of this day is being able to renew our vows in the presence of the people where we live. Our professions are made at our Motherhouse but the people we serve get an inside look on the vows on this special day when we celebrate and share with them as well.

SISTER!

2010-12-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

When I first became a sister, I never thought I would tire of hearing people actually calling me "Sister." However, after a long week in school after a week off for Thanksgiving... I would be glad if no one ever called me anything again!

I love my kids so much and I love school but they break my heart sometimes. Sometimes, I want to say, "Please, don't say sister again!" My love for them never ends, however, I quickly move in a matter of moments from disappointment, to pride, to fun, to sorrow, to happiness and many more! I try to remember they are only in middle school, but I see so much potential in them that I am terrified they will let all that go in favor of what the world has offered them.

So today, the boys were telling me all about who is breaking up with who and who has a new girlfriend... I do love that they feel comfortable to tell me because I do try to be very open and available with them. Then one of them said, "Sister (that was his first mistake :) ), Joe is a player." Now poor Joe is one of those all around great kids. He's smart, polite, and popular. He is a good kid - always helpful even when he doesn't need to be, always kind, always a gentleman. I didn't know how to say anything I was thinking. What came up was something like, "Please don't ever be a player... You'll break my heart - all of you! You're too wonderful and special for that!" The hard thing in middle school is that they never let you know if they are taking you seriously or not. It is like planting teeny, tiny seeds that you never see come to fruit. They are always there, and the kids might actually think about them sometimes, however, they would never tell you!

They then proceeded to start singing a song that has some not very nice lyrics which I stopped immediately. They responded - "Sister, we wouldn't have said the next line, not in front of a sister, not in front of a lady." So I guess that's a step in the right direction.

My point is really that it is almost impossible, except for grace, to counteract what our culture is doing to our young people. I always have to tell myself that I just need to fall back on the fact that I have loved them, prepared them, guided them, and done my best to shield them from those things that can and will diminish their understanding of their own dignity and the dignity of others. I hope and I pray that God will bless that and that even the word, "Sister" that they speak so often will be one that reminds them of love, peace, joy, and faith.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T21:20:00.000-05:00

Today I am giving thanks for the gift of community. On Tuesday the kids asked me where I would be going to Thanksgiving. While my convent is going to the convent down the street for our Thanksgiving dinner, I told the kids that the sisters celebrate all holidays together before doing any personal visiting of family and friends for the holidays. My kids were upset and asked why we couldn't go home for the holidays. I told them that some sisters don't have anywhere to go and we would never leave a sister alone.

They don't know this, but I am one of those sisters who doesn't have anywhere to go for the holidays. I think a lot of people still take for granted that sisters come from wonderful Catholic families full of love and joy. While I guess that seems to be true for the majority, for me it isn't. It makes the holidays very difficult at times. If we didn't celebrate together, I would be alone. My parents are divorced and I don't have a family home to stay in. I depend on community for companionship and that truly Christ-centered family love.

Our visit to the convent down the street for Thanksgiving was so lovely. When we arrived the sisters stopped what they were doing to talk and chat in the community room until dinner was ready. All was being kept warm in the oven when we went together to Chapel for prayers. We got together to "swell the crowd" and we certainly were stuffed in together in Chapel. It was such a nice way to share faith and community. There was a beautiful prayer waiting at our spots in the dining room which we said together. Then the feast began! Laughter, tears, stories, fun, and joy flavored every minute of our delicious meal with one another.

It was also a gift to be with sisters I know well and sisters I've never met before and still feel welcomed and at home. After all, our hearts and minds are one and no matter what we belong together to walk this journey to the Lord. I can't help but think that our little gathering was a small beginning to "Preparing the way for the Lord." as we enter into Advent. Where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there and tonight was a wonderful example to me of that true Presence.

So thank You God for my vocation, my community, my friends, my sisters, my consecration, my vows, and the love you have put into my heart. Amen.

Chastity and Community

2010-11-21T21:37:00.000-05:00

Well, believe it or not, I'm actually posting two days in a row. This is just a super honest post about something I've been thinking and praying about lately. I'm going to be totally honest. Chastity is hard.

The tough thing about living with women much older than you is that they love love stories and romances. There's nothing wrong with those beautiful hallmark movies about families and love and children and marriage and all that wholesome goodness. However, when you come from a broken family and you've sacrificed that part of your life for the Kingdom, it does start to wear on you during the Christmas love story season.

On top of that, it is difficult at times to see children come in and out of your classroom where you love them with all your heart and they don't realize it. It is increasingly difficult I think for young women entering religious life to reconcile their lived family situations, which are increasingly difficult, with the experiences of many sisters with whom they live. It is painful for me sometimes to think of the idea of family because of my own family experiences. I've been wallowing in it a little bit these days. I know that isn't the best or correct thing to do but it's just where I've been.

Anyway, tonight when I was wallowing, I got a phone call from a friend. It is amazing what friendship in religious life can really do for you. I became friends with this sister who is about 40 years older than me, when I took care of her sick sister, who was also a religious sister. I only talked to my friend for ten minutes, and not about chastity; however, I left the call feeling loved, strengthened, and ready to continue on my way in spite of the sadness I've been feeling.

Community can both be a challenge and a blessing in trying to live the vows. Sometimes we are so worried about being "holier than thou" that we shy away from challenging one another to live the Gospel more radically. Sometimes we are so concerned with keeping up appearances that we forget to share with one another our struggles and needs, especially when it comes to chastity. Sometimes we get so defensive we lose the freedom to be obedient. In short, humanity comes in and makes things confusing and hard.

God is so good though because just when I think it is too difficult He takes care of me through the sisters He has chosen for me. His ways are mysterious and as I told my kids recently, you can't find a better man than Jesus.

Super-nun

2010-11-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like Super - Nun. This is not one of those times!

Nothing really has happened to make me feel so 'bleh'. It is just difficult being a religious, a teacher, a blood sister, a daughter, a friend, and a speaker. In each of those categories a million other things are required and they never fit into the twenty four hours I'm allotted each day (which is something I've been meaning to ask God about! Why such short days?! :) )

As a religious I spend about two hours a day in scheduled prayer. I live in community where I have charges to do and common life to participate in through meals, prayers, friendship, and chatter. As a teacher I am counselor, friend, parent, confidant, grader, planner, and a million other things. I still have a family that I never talk to and wish I could. My friends are getting engaged and married and sometimes I can't even keep track anymore!

I love my life, but sometimes I live it better than others. Sometimes I have so much energy and I get that balance so right and I feel like a million bucks. Those are the times when I feel like super - nun. When it all doesn't quite come together; when my emails are busting my inbox seams, when the papers, tests, and homework assignments are up to my eyeballs, when I'm running in the door just in time for prayers, when I'm going to sleep at midnight, and when I'm forgetting everything not attached to me... I wonder if I can actually do it!

This is one of those times... yet here I am blogging. Maybe not the best use of time, but it does help put a name on this lack of "super-nun" feeling. And it has given me some perspective. Jesus didn't call me to be successful and to be super-nun. He called me to be the woman I am in the life He chose for me in relationship with Him. I have to learn to be humble enough to accept my shortcomings and failings.

Future

2010-11-14T22:05:00.000-05:00

So often as a young woman religious I think of the future of religious life. What will it look like if we can't live next door to the parish school? What if there is no parish school? What if there are no priests to say Mass for us? What if we live in a faithless world? Will we fail to persevere? Will we be faithful to what our sisters have left us? Will the Church still want us? How will we take care of our elderly sisters? How will we serve God's people?... When will we sleep while were doing all of this??? :)

It is overwhelming and humbling. I have no answer to any of the questions above because they aren't happening yet. Right now, my job is to grow into the religious woman God has called me to be and all I need to do is stay focused on that one thing. Prayer, community, and ministry will all come together the way He has planned in each moment. I truly believe that what is happening to us through closures, financial problems, and lack of vocations are God pruning us and preparing us for a future that He has in mind, not the future we've been thinking of.

That's what makes me sure it will be wonderful, it is His and not mine!

Pray for us that we follow His will!

How do you know?

2010-11-07T19:06:00.000-05:00

The top most asked question of high school girls about vocations is, "How do you know?" I answered quite a few of those questions this weekend at a retreat for young women discerning religious life. However, I also received a question that I've never been asked before, "What if it is all a waste... what if God isn't real and you've wasted your life for no reason?"

I guess people have eluded to that question at times and I've answered that I'm happy in my life and I'm doing good so it really isn't a waste... at least it isn't a waste any more or less than anyone else's life in those circumstances. However I answered a little differently this time around.

So far, what I've come up with is more of a conviction than an answer. Intellectually speaking, sure, it could all be a mistake. God could not be real, He could not exist. I'm not going to argue the possibility, although I know there are wonderful theological proofs! My answer is that I love Him enough to take the chance. I'm willing to lay down my life for the very possibility that the love of Christ exists. Let's be honest, as human beings sometimes belief seems to be more about how we feel than what we know. I've decided to commit myself to the hope of Christ's love whether I feel it or not.

There are many times when I don't feel it. There are a lot of times it doesn't all make sense and yet again I remember that I made vows to that which I know only by faith. I pray that God continues to bless me with that gift and that He continues to call out generous, self-sacrificing women to carry that gift as well.

Confirmation

2010-11-05T22:24:00.000-04:00

My kids are preparing to receive Confirmation this fall and I'm starting to get nervous. Basically, I had three months to prepare them for this wonderful sacrament but there are so many things I feel like I haven't even gotten to yet. It is such a responsibility and I frequently find myself feeling overwhelmed by everything I want to share with them. However, a little victory this week made all the stress and rush of it seem worth it.

The students were writing their letters to the bishop who is going to confirm them and as they wrote their rough drafts they asked me to read them before they wrote them on the paper with the school seal on it. As I read each of their letters I was so touched by their words to the bishop and I realized a) that they really do listen when I talk to them and b) that they really do care about their faith. The most beautiful of the letters was one by one of my boys. He wrote that he was choosing the name Joseph because "Joseph took care of Mary and Jesus and I admire him for that." No matter what I do, God has obviously touched his heart and brought him to that beautiful desire to be like the foster father and mother of God. We had first Friday Mass today as a school community and all of them were their beautiful selves but as I watched their faces and their movements I was so proud to be their teacher.

At Mass, Father spoke about praying for vocations to the priesthood and religious life and as I looked at my boys and girls I remembered what a student said to me when I was giving a vocation talk one time. She asked, "Sister, can you tell when you look at us?" My answer was, "yes." It is amazing the look in a child's eyes when it dawns on them that a) it could be possible that God is calling them, and that b) they feel something that they haven't noticed before. Well, we were talking about the will of God when one of my dear boys stated that it must have been the will of God that our classroom pet died. (Nothing is theologically sophisticated with sixth graders.) It was off-topic and meant to throw me off onto something "more interesting." (I know their game :) ) Anyway, I responded by asking this child if he was asking God what His will was for him. He answered, not to be a priest sister... don't even try! Now, he is a sweet heart so it wasn't meant as a dig. But my answer was, "You said it, not me!"

Tomorrow I will be part of a vocation day for my community. I'm excited to be able to offer my Saturday (which I love because it is great to catch up on schoolwork) for potential vocations to the religious life. It's a great life!! Please pray that God's will be made known to the young women who will be joining the sisters for a day of prayer and discernment. Lord, grant us more vocations!

TGIF

2010-11-01T18:27:00.000-04:00

This has been such a great weekend for me. It was even better because my principal gave us off from having a formal plan this week and I got to hang with a nun friend (without having to worry about school!).

I started my Friday night with 2 hours of soccer games in the freezing cold. All my kids play soccer and when they invite me I just can't say no so I worked after school and then drove over to the fields to watch the girls lose and the boys win. It didn't matter though... they really don't care. They just love to have fun.

On Saturday I went and picked up my sister friend. We went to visit some of our sisters at our infirmary and then went to a vigil Mass on our way back to my convent and to dinner. I didn't realize that we were dressed in our habits and it was the night before Halloween so we had quite the interesting reception at dinner. On Sunday we ran errands and just hung out which was really nice. There aren't a million young sisters out there so when you have the time and opportunity to just spend time together it really helps. We can talk about the struggles of juggling community life, apostolate, and prayer and just enjoy one another's company.

So, tomorrow I still won't have my little saints at school, but I will be back. There is still too much to do before I get there though! Goodnight!

Charity

2010-10-28T20:01:00.000-04:00

How do you live the Gospel with seventh graders? Well... I have no idea but here I am learning anew each day. First I want to say that I love my kids with all my heart. I am so grateful to God for each and every one of them. I'm grateful for the quiet ones, the loud ones, the obnoxious ones, the intelligent ones, the struggling ones... and the ones that drive me insane.

Needless to say.... when you have all those special "ones" in your life, you are in for a surprise around every corner! I can't believe sometimes how much of my life I spend as a relationship counselor. Yes, I am a science teacher but the back of my classroom doubles as a romance advice booth. I don't know what it is about me but something says, tell me your boy and girl troubles!

It is really humbling for me to have my boys and girls confide in me and ask me for advice and acceptance as they try to navigate these difficult years. Recently there has been an influx of these problems. It continues to amaze me that they come in and want to talk to me about boyfriends, girlfriends, parent problems, and a whole host of other issues. One such incident really touched me recently. One of my boys, who is quite a ladies man, came to talk to me yesterday. You would think that a seventh grade boy wouldn't want love advice from his nun science teacher but... think again. The touching thing about it is that as I watch them grow I see all the characteristics of responsible, loving, and holy men and women. They want to do the right thing, but they don't know what it is. The boys want to be gentlemen. The girls want to be beautiful but not in the way the world tells them they should be.

What I have realized is that I'm in a unique position as a religious woman to guide them. They really see me as their sister and because of that they feel able to interact with me in a way that is different than their parents, other teachers, and other students. Practically speaking, the boys carry things for me whenever they can, run errands for me, ask me to come to their sports events, and open doors like it's their job. They actually notice when I get my hair cut out the front of my veil (I know... I can't believe it either). They feel like they can because I'm their sister. It's the same reason they feel like they can tell me all their girl, family, relationship, and sports problems.

The girls see how they treat me and they realize that they should always be treated with the same respect and with charity. They come to me and ask me millions of questions about all the same things because they know I'll hold all their tough tween stuff in my heart. And they are right... I do!

I'm always tempted (without ever giving in) to pray out loud during lauds and vespers at our intercessions, "for Gina's broken heart," or "for Tommy's mom and dad," or "for Brandon's breakup." Instead, I hold them in my heart like God intended me to do and I offer my acts of charity and counseling for them.

Basically... it is tough being in seventh grade. I love them though... my little brothers and sisters, and I'll do anything to help them and guide them to be their best, holiest, truest selves. God help me... it certainly gets confusing!

Please pray for all our kids!

Expecting More

2010-10-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in a while because my life has gone crazy over these past few weeks with progress reports going out and many community events taking place. All good things but still things that require more energy than any one person can have.

I have found myself these days expecting more; of myself, of my sisters, my students, my fellow teachers, and basically of everyone I meet. I have this problem of being a perfectionist and I never think I'm being hard on other people, even when I am, because anything I criticize about someone else is just a fraction of the criticism I give myself all the time. It is definitely a problem and definitely a sin. I know all of this in my head but my heart gets all caught up with the "should have" statements of my life. I don't trust God enough to know that He will always take care of me and that my worth is dependent upon Him... not me.

Today I found myself confronted in a big way with this attitude. In an email from a parent I felt that I was being accused of not doing what I should be doing because her son didn't bring home a certain paper. It really wasn't a big deal but right away I felt defensive after a long and exhausting week. I just wanted to say, "Your son is the reason you didn't get the paper... not me." Now I would never say that but I was still going through this imaginary conversation with myself in my head. While I was getting all steamed up about it I realized how ridiculous I was being. I don't serve mom and dad. I'm a teacher. I serve children and families.

As I was thinking about how unfair it was that she was blaming me for something her son lost or forgot or blew up like sixth grade boys always do, I realized that there must be a reason God had this plan in store for me. Because I'm new in this parish, convent, and school I don't get all the background sometimes right away on all the students.

One of the sisters in the house commented, without knowing about the email or anything else, that this student gets hit when he does something wrong. Well, I felt terrible then that I ever wanted to say it was his fault and I realized how providential it was that God would have mom assume it was my fault and be angry with me. If I really believe in dedicating myself to God's most abandoned poor it is going to cost me. For me the hardest cost to pay is that of being insecure and of allowing myself to mean less than someone else. I wish I were more confident but I'm not. It bothers me when I think that others think of me as incapable or not good enough. I care too much about what people think of me. However, here is an opportunity for me to allow God to love me as I am and allow myself to be hurt instead of one of His little ones.

I still don't know what I'm going to email back, but I know it won't be that her son is the problem. Because he isn't the problem. He is a normal, forgetful and irresponsible, sixth grade boy. I am a sister to all so why shouldn't I share in the sufferings of all? And that is my answer. I should. So, if I say I'm willing to sacrifice, how much better is it for her to be angry with me than for him to get smacked around for forgetting a paper? I am certain it is the better way.

So now I'm still expecting more from myself but I'm also expecting it all to come from God. Lord, help me to sacrifice my own self confidence, capability, and reputation for the good of Your little ones and for the coming of Your Kingdom. Amen.

Science Class

2010-10-10T22:08:00.000-04:00

Today, I went to Shop and Save to get some materials for my science class experiment. I had to get, among other things, some carrots. While I was waiting in line the woman behind me was talking to me and asked me if I was cooking for the nuns tonight. When I told her it was for a science experiment she definitely thought I was crazy. But I explained to her that I teach science and she was thrilled.

I love that I'm a sister who teaches science. I teach my homeroom's religion and I love teaching religion. I went to school and studied theology but here I am. What is so awesome about being a sister who teaches science to middle schoolers is that my kids know that when I'm not with them, I actually do something other than pray on my knees for them (although I do that too!) They realize when I'm excited that I have other interests that don't take away from my vocation in any way but add to my faith and science is one of those things.

When I got changed, I cannot even tell you how excited I was to be teaching science. It gives me such an opportunity to infuse faith and practical real life situations for students who are at the perfect point for molding into dedicated and faithful Catholic Christians. These kids are asking all the right questions; "How could the big bang happen if Adam and Eve happened?" "Why is sex before marriage wrong?" "What about stem cell research?" "Why are people poor?" "Why is there war?" It all goes back to science and ties in with everything that they want to know. They want to know that God created everything, that scripture is telling the truth, just maybe without historical accuracy. They want to know that God created their body in a good and loving way to mirror how much He loves them. They want to hear that their life is special and cannot be thrown away and cannot be replicated. They want to know why there is greed over resources and places that causes the meek and humble to be hurt. They want to know that death is not the end of everything and that the way we live really matters.

At the same time, aside from all the big questions of life, we have a lot of fun. They are still kids and they want to know; "Why do people have the hiccups?" "How do the waves get bigger when we are down the shore in the summer?" "Can we blow up a.... (The boys always want to blow something up - the answer is always no.)?"

Basically, I love everything about it. I feel like I get paid... no wait, that doesn't happen... to laugh all day! And I love them. Our kids need to know that we love them, in school, in the parish, at Mass when they are being obnoxious, or when they are serving with reverence, and at home. God is love. Let's show them Him.

Daily Vow Renewal

2010-10-03T19:54:00.000-04:00

I wrote the other day about renewing my vows each day in my heart at Mass. Usually I do this after I receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Someone asked what words we use to renew our vows. The renewal formula is a shortened version of what we say at first and final profession but it still holds all the meaning of the longer formula. Here are the words:

Almighty and Eternal God, I, Sister M. ____________,

renew and confirm with all my heart

the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience

which I made at my profession;

and I implore your grace to accomplish them perfectly.

Amen.

Sometimes I forget how touching these words are after saying them each day, however, there is a great and mighty grace and responsibility that comes with those words. I renew and confirm with all my heart that I have given my whole self to Him who is the One, the Beginning and the End, the Savior of the World, the Most Powerful, the Creator of the Universe. And here I am, sinful, small, nothing, and I make a promise, a sacred bond with Him. My desire to give of myself still isn't enough though. To fulfill that desire, which He placed in my heart, I need His help. It really is strange when you think about it, that you want to accomplish this for God but you need His help to accomplish it... for Him! It's like asking someone to buy their own birthday present and then write "from me" on the card.

I think it must be very much like the life of the Trinity, the constant flow of love and grace from one to another without end. You can't even trace it because that grace and love becomes so much a part of each person that there is no beginning or end to it's movement and power. God is so good to give this gift of vocation. The vows are such an amazing grace. Some days I wonder, "who thought I could do this?!, How could I have ever been permitted to take on this responsibility?" And the truth is that I cannot do it! Only God can. Young women tell me all the time that they "could never do that!" And I always say, you are absolutely right, you can't, but He can if you respond to His call of love.

God, grant us more vocations to love you and witness to your plan of Salvation! Amen.

Nightmares

2010-10-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

I always have really vivid dreams. Lots of color, imagery, movement and I almost always remember them. However, I haven't had many great nights of sleep this week.

It all began on Sunday night with the school alarm going off in the middle of the night. I had to get dressed and go out there to see what happened before I could go back to bed. I'm also very clumsy and the night ended with an alcoholic beverage spilling all over me... I know, its wild. I had to take a second shower before I went back to bed because I smelled like this disgusting drink that was left on the school steps by whoever was trying to break in.

Anyway, back to the dream. This morning we all slept in because we had Mass today with the kids in school so I woke up a little later than I normally do. In my dream, I was running through a desert and I was afraid. When I woke up I was all out of sorts.

At school, I wished I was running through a desert... my kids were off the wall, my room was hot, sticky, and wet, it smelled of middle schoolers, and I just felt like I got nothing completed and anything that I did get done was wrong!

Now the nightmare really came to life in religion. I love teaching religion and I love my students but the questions they asked today and the things they didn't know made me want to... well... run through a desert.

From nuns and priests being married to the Trinity being "impossible" I was left feeling less than confident in the future of my student's religious education. They, of course, thought my reactions were hilarious.

I just want to know what we are going to do for our children to bring them to God and to teach them to love our Church if they have such a lack of experience.

Now I know it's not all bad... the other day one of my boys who serves at Mass told me how upset he was that people didn't bow before they received the Eucharist... it made my heart melt. However, some of them really are clueless.

There's really no point to this post except that we need to pray for them and do our best to surround them with what matters. The problem isn't that they are not being taught. It is that the second they leave us they are attacked by everything else.

Our Lady of Good Counsel, Pray for Us and Them!

My Homeless Husband

2010-09-25T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well, tonight I was very upset during Mass. I decided to go to the Saturday Vigil Mass because I have been sick with a cold this week and a sleep in tomorrow is exactly what I need. On my way over a man came to ask me for prayers. There are many homeless people who live around the convent because of our location and I make it a point not to ever turn them away from me. They want to know the sisters love them and care about them.
He didn't ask me for any money. He just wanted to pray together. I took his hand in mine and he closed his eyes while I said a few words for both of us to God asking for help and thanking Him for our lives. He smelled of alcohol and after I prayed with him he hugged me and thanked me for caring. I was reminded of Father Damien and the lepers.
When I reached the doors to church an older woman scolded me for speaking to him. She told me he was a drunk and a good for nothing freeloader. He didn't belong here in our parish. I was quite angry, and told her that Jesus had no home and relied on the people in the towns He visited. I also told her that love had no limit and that he asked me for prayers only. I almost told her my natural father is an alcoholic... thank God I controlled myself!
However, when the Gospel began about Lazarus I came close to crying. Are the homeless not allowed to attend Mass? Can they not be in the presence of Jesus unless they are cleaned up and straightened out? Are they outside of salvation's reach because they don't have a house to live in? And what about that woman who scolded me... will she be accepted into the Father's house after denying this man prayer? Will she be able to look Jesus in the eyes after turning Him away? Her disgust and hatred was so evident, it was sickening.
When I got home, I told the sisters all about it and I was glad they agreed with me. We have problems with security in our house. It isn't safe sometimes because of the amount of people living in tents and other haphazard structures around our convent so I was worried they might have the same feeling about this poor man. However, they agreed. I shouldn't have even second guessed them. He is a human being. He deserves and needs love.
Anyway, I realized when I got home that I could look my husband in the eyes because of what I said to that man today. I don't care about that woman's hatred for this poor soul or what the more well - to - do members of the parish thought of seeing me conversing with him and holding his hand because the only person who matters is Him. I truly believe that Jesus has much more in common with that homeless man than He does with the people who tell him he doesn't belong. He loved. He asked for help. He accepted charity. He forgave. He prayed.
Lord let me do the same. Let me never become so complacent and particular that I cannot accept the ways in which You decide to reveal Yourself to me. Never let me deny Lazarus a drink of water, a bite to eat, a prayer to share.

Everyday Life

2010-09-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I was thinking about the enormous amount of things I am so blessed to get to include in my day and I thought I would share a little with you of what a typical day for me is like. During the week, I wake up at 4:30 and get dressed quickly. It is the least favorite part of my day. If I could change anything in the world, it would be that in the morning you would wake up dressed and washed and ready to go. The prayers I say as I put on my habit in the morning are so beautiful, however, being human, I don't remember even saying them when I make it to Chapel because I am usually so tired!

I spend an hour in prayer in our convent Chapel before morning prayer in common with the sisters. Sometimes I pray my Rosary, my stations, journal, or spiritual reading. What I don't do in the morning I do at night. We always say the Rosary and the Stations of the Cross. I live in a small house right now and none of us are good singers. Thank God He loves us whether we are good singers or not because some days just starting the hymn is a comedy. The General Superior doesn't ask about musical skills before she changes us under obedience.

After prayers, we have to drive to the next parish over for Mass. Each day after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, we renew our vows privately in our hearts. Usually I put my face in my hands so that I don't get distracted as I remember those words I have said each day that are the very meaning of my life, and the very meaning of the Eucharist. These words, which I so often say without the reverence they deserve, shape my whole life and my every day.

When I get home from Mass, I pick up my school bag and off I go! I have a half-hour to set up my SmartBoard, my laptop, and other classroom resources before my little children of God show up. They come in like a flash of lightning and they actually are not little at all. I teach middle school. So, you can imagine how their entrance each day goes!

I try all day to talk some sense into preteen boys and girls - mostly a futile task - and love them. Those are my two jobs when I am at school. However, in addition to that, they confide in me, they laugh with me, they cry with me and they share their lives with me. What a gift from God!

After school, I pack my bag and scuttle home after my desk looks somewhat neat and clean. I unpack my things, do a little work, and go to Chapel for evening prayer. After vespers, we eat dinner together. I clean the kitchen after dinner because it is my charge. If I don't have a parent, school, or community meeting (which seems rare sometimes) I go watch the news with the nuns and then get in the shower and put my pjs on. This is one of my favorite parts of the day! Ha!

I might do some schoolwork, go to the community room with the sisters, or go to chapel after this. Either way I always end the day in my bedroom praying compline and doing a little spiritual reading before I hit the hay. As I fall asleep I start my second rosary. My guardian angel always finishes!

So thank you Jesus for the weekend! I am exhausted just from writing this and need some major rest. On Saturday the parish mass is at 9 am! So goodnight and God bless!

The Nature of Sacrifice

2010-09-19T21:25:00.000-04:00

This weekend I was at a community meeting and it became painfully clear how much we need to talk about what sacrifice and hard work really are. After enjoying a wonderful day with my sisters, we had Mass in our Chapel at our Motherhouse. The priest who said Mass was just wonderful - a Redemptorist like our dear founder. He was, maybe not so prudently, saying that religious women have done more for the Church than anyone. The heart of his comment was really to let us know his gratitude for us and the gratitude of the Church for our sacrifice and our hard work.

I'm not sure quite how it happened next but all the sudden from behind me I heard a clap. Someone was actually clapping out loud during the homily. While I was immediately disturbed by sister's lack of etiquette and reverence, I pondered from where her reaction came. I found myself meditating on the sentence, "Because we have sacrificed so much..." and I realized that the way I finish that sentence is, unfortunately, different from the way she does.

The way I finish that sentence is "I still haven't given enough, I need to give more, Christ calls me to continue, our Blessed Mother aids me in my perseverance, we must give it all, we have to keep serving, we have to keep going." The way my dear sister finished the sentence is "we deserve a break, we deserve respect, we deserve more freedom, we are finished our work, we should relax, we should take a break, we should be put on pedestals and not be expected to live the harsh, difficult, and radical life God has given to us."

I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't upset me that any of my sisters feels this way... it profoundly does. It breaks my heart that some of their hearts have become so hard. At the same time I realize she didn't just decide one day to wake up and think this way. It probably started with a superior who made her go to school when she had the flu, then a pastor who didn't support the school, then an older sister who yelled at her for nothing, a principal who put all the responsibility of the school on her shoulders. Soon enough, she saw other sisters moving into their own apartments, taking on prestigious positions, and earning their own way.

Fortunately, her position is not one that many of my sisters share, but it is painful nonetheless. It is painful both for her and for the rest of us. I don't know how anyone else felt after the little outburst. It was little because no one joined her. However, I felt called very much to pray and think about sacrificing more and about protecting my heart from the hardness that can come from being treated with a lack of charity. We are all human and our sisters will always fail. I will always fail them. But it is Him who does all things in us. We do not need to worry. We do not need to take all of these things on our shoulders. He who has called us will see us through.

I leave this little reflection feeling very much at peace and very much dedicated to continuing to sacrifice, especially for my sister who needs my prayers and my love at this point. It is so easy to see her as "other" and as "outside" the group. Her views may be, however, she is still vowed in the same way I am and I am still responsible for her, as she is for me.

Community is the place where we lead one another down the road to Heaven. God gives us those who need help and those who can help us wherever we go. Sister may never know this but God was able to use even this for His good because He was able to remind my heart to trust, to love, and to give unreservedly so that I never lose sight the purpose of my life.

First Full Week of School... ahhhhhh

2010-09-16T21:39:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow the first full week of school comes to an end and I am overwhelmed yet peaceful and happy at the same time about how the week has gone, and how the weekend is going to come! Quite frequently these days I have felt the uncontrollable urge to cry... and not because I'm having a bad day like I did before. I could chalk it up to the very human feeling of lack of sleep and overwhelming circumstances, however, it seems more like a heightened emotional state.

I am in a new convent, teaching in a new school, living with new sisters, praying in a new chapel, and living basically a totally new life. I just feel so touched by the small things, whether they be sad, happy, difficult, simple... they are all just such vivid feelings. My children are especially big reasons for my tears. Middle schoolers... anyone who has children in that age range or have taught them certainly understands my feelings. They can be so profound, so needy, so loving, so compassionate, so mean, so sad all at once and it changes so frequently. I almost feel like they are rubbing off on me!

Really, I know that I have been given such a gift and a privilege to walk with them as their teacher, as someone who loves them and desires all the best things for them. It gets my emotions all riled up, because they have so much potential and they don't know it. But, I love them. That is what I promised to do and I know that there are many people in their lives who have not promised to do that in the same way and they get messages all the time that they are no one, that they do not matter, and that they won't be anything important ever.

It just breaks my heart and at the same time I can see so much in their eyes when they look at me, when they realize that they learned something, that they pleased me, that they are having fun, that they look like little children sometimes, even when they are in trouble. I know that every moment is essential to their formation as Catholic young men and women. They just always make me want to cry! :)

This weekend I will be at our Motherhouse for some community meetings and with a friend of mine for some fun. Hopefully, both will help me unwind!

Bad Day

2010-09-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

I always hate it when this happens, and I never want to admit it but I am having a terrible day today! It's really all very silly except that it is the first week of school and so I'm already a little bit on edge. Here is how it started...

This morning at the crack of dawn, which is when I wake up :(, one of the sisters told me that I made the coffee too weak. No good morning, no how are you, just that the coffee was not strong enough. So I felt bad, but I felt worse when another dear sister in Christ came and told me that the coffee was too strong. Now, I know, coffee is not the most important thing in the world. There are people who are starving, who are in despair, who are uneducated, who need health care.... however, this morning all I could think of was this one pot of coffee and how mad I was! I mean how can I make one pot of coffee both stronger and weaker at the same time? Please, someone tell me how, I will do it! But I can't, because it is impossible. Isn't that insane? I know it is insane, but somehow I have found myself in the middle of this day just wanting to go hide in my room with a cup of tea and have a little cry and go to bed.

It isn't just the coffee, of course, but it is funny how one thing can become a catalyst of emotion for many things that have been building up. I know I have a lot to bring to the Lord tonight because I'm being very hard on myself and I need His gentleness and compassion. Someone told me one time that it is a sin to expect yourself to be perfect because you make Christ's death insignificant and unimportant. If we were perfect, His death would be in vain. So, here I am in the same sin as I always am, of wanting myself to be perfect.

Although I am always working on this it is much harder when you move to a new convent and new school. I think people think sometimes when you are a sister and move somewhere that it's just part of the life and you get used to it. But you really don't. Each time it brings up new insecurities, failures, shortcomings, and a plethora of other awkward things. Each time it also brings God's grace, and makes me pay more attention to the fact that I am in need of His grace. I'm not perfect and neither are my sisters, my students, my school, or anyone else I meet.

Please just say a prayer for me today. I feel like a little kid at the end of a vacation; tired, overextended, thrust into a schedule, and having to follow rules that I don't like! I must say it feels great to get this out in the open like this!

Dinner Out

2010-09-05T22:33:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned before how nice it is in the summer to have a little extra unstructured time to have fun and be spontaneous. Well, today I was working diligently on my lesson plans for the new school year when I received a call asking if I was able to go out to dinner with a priest friend. I said yes, of course, and tried to get as much work done as I could before he came to pick myself and another sister up for dinner.

I have heard some sisters from other communities say before that they would never be allowed to just go out to dinner... some even have it in their rule. Not that it's a bad thing to have in your Rule, but it is part of my community's history to be hospitable in this way. While I was in the novitiate a sister taught us Community History and one large part of that was that when our sisters were missioned to a foreign country they always made sure to be available when priests came, especially priests from their home countries, so that they had someone to talk to in their native language, to enjoy a meal with, and to pray with when they arrived. It is so lonely to be in another country without a community and so the sisters were encouraged to always be available, even in the middle of the night to rise and make preparations to welcome one of their fathers.

Well, I was delighted with a visit from this very holy and fatherly priest. So often in our world today priests live alone without much support. Maybe we could all take the time to pray in gratitude for these holy men who have touched our lives, nourished our souls, and given us the grace to respond to God. Maybe we could also pray for those men who have felt abandoned, broken, or alone and have left God's service, that they might know God's abundant love and goodness and, if able, return to His service once again.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of your holy priests! Send us more! Amen!

Random thoughts

2010-09-02T21:57:00.000-04:00

You know what?... I just love being a sister. I don't know why, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by how awesome it is to be a spouse of Christ and a sister to His people. Community, ministry, mission, obedience, chastity, poverty... what gifts they are!!

As I have mentioned before, the summers are frequently chaotic as sisters are going on retreat, offering service in one of our many missions, and getting ready for another year of educational ministry. Tonight our superior made hot dogs for dinner. I love hot dogs! It really is the simple things that make everything worth while. We enjoyed a lovely dinner together on the porch. As we shared all our adventures from the day, I felt so blessed to be on this journey with my sisters.

Speaking of adventures.... my adventures were many in number today. I had to find some of the textbooks for my dear children, fix the showers in the convent, clean my charge, plan my lessons, meet with my superior, and decorate my classroom today. It was wild. As I reread everything I have done today I feel energized and excited because all of it was done in love and prayer for my sisters and for God's people.

Tomorrow another adventure awaits me. It is the last weekend before school starts and my dear sister - friend is coming to stay over at my convent. I am going to pick her up and we are going to buy a few things for my classroom before grabbing a cheese steak (I am in Philadelphia :)) and coming back to the convent.

Please pray for me as I prepare for school to begin! I will be praying for you!

Chastity

2010-08-31T21:49:00.000-04:00

Well, last night someone told me that I was beautiful, but not in the, "oh, you're a young nun, you're so beautiful..." way. It was more in the way that a man tells a woman that she is beautiful. It really caught me off guard because I really haven't experienced that in such an obvious way as a religious before. As a religious I have experienced attractions that come and go but much more subtly.

Anyway, I didn't know what to say and it was super awkward, which I'm sure everyone can appreciate. That kind of awkwardness, unfortunately, happens to everyone.

It doesn't really matter what was said by this man to me or why or how, although it probably wouldn't have made me think so much about chastity if it had been rude or out of order instead of just a genuine compliment. What mattered was what happened in my heart after. I felt so discombobulated and distracted.

I knew that I needed to speak to God about what I was feeling. I prayed a very distracted compline and then I got into bed while still thinking about this interesting conversation I had just had. My normal practice when I get in bed at night is to pray my Rosary (my guardian angel finishes it for me every night!). Nothing spectacular happened except that a peace that transcends all peace relaxed everything in me. I was so moved by this peace that my deepest desire at that moment was to offer all my mixed and uncomfortable emotions about the night for the salvation and peace of the man who caused them to begin with.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, and I hope it doesn't scandalize at all because I am just speaking candidly of the struggles and daily choices all religious experience and make. What happened though was what chastity is all about. I was able in that sacrifice of myself to offer God a soul, to offer Him in prayer this son of His. What an amazing goodness that can come from a real interior struggle. I am just filled with awe at God's goodness to bring this man to me and to allow me to hold him in my heart the way that God would.

One time a very special religious told me that love is a commitment. Commitment is the definition of love. I am young and am still learning but I feel so clearly that God has won a small battle in my heart and in the heart of the one He brought to me last night. Love has prevailed. He is so so so good.

Home

2010-08-29T14:36:00.000-04:00

I am home at last in my new convent. Since my retreat ended I have been running around like a crazy woman trying to get unpacked in the convent and school while figuring out where the soap, broom, milk, and other household items are! The sisters have been wonderful to me, especially since most of them are new as well! We have all been lost in the basement more than once since we arrived due to the fact that there are three stairwells in this house. It makes things quite confusing.

It is so overwhelming to spend so long packing and preparing to move and then have to undo all of it and put things in order again. I am so glad to finally have most of my life in some organizational scheme. School is coming along as well. I went over yesterday and stayed all day but today I decided to sleep in and go to the 11:30 Mass. After, I cleaned my charges and did laundry. However, there is still much to be done.

One of the things I love about convents is that they are old. I know not all convents are old but a lot of them are... mine is one of them. Old things frequently need repairs and we have been having a hilarious time trying to figure out what is wrong with more than a few items in and around the house. One of those items is the internet, which is why I haven't been posting for a while. Other items include the sewing machine, phone, television, refridgerator, ice maker, carpet cleaner, and almost everything in the basement. During the day all of the sisters have been going their own ways to fix up their charges and get classrooms ready, but at night in the community room the big discussion is always about the discoveries during the day. One sister found the key to a door we couldn't open, another found the dust brush, another gave up and bought a new mop (I'm sure in a few months we will find the old one!).

No matter what there has been much love and laughter as we have banded together in community to get comfortable in our new surroundings.

Thank God there is still time before school starts because there is still so much to do. I know He will take care of it though!

Many prayers!

Retreat!

2010-08-05T11:59:00.000-04:00

This evening I am going to begin my retreat and I am so excited. I have a few good books that I can read if I desire, but the best part of retreat is that it is all about what desire God gives me in each moment. There is no "achieving" in retreat, no "doing." It is just time to be with the Lord and let Him guide me and bring me to a place of rest and refreshment. So, please pray for me during these days as I will also be praying for all of you!

God bless!

PS. The visitor was "caught" and released!

Visitors...

2010-08-02T14:43:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday on the feast of St. Alphonsus, all the sisters gathered at the Motherhouse for our annual Convocation. It is a wonderfully beautiful day where we gather to pray together, share with one another, and be renewed by the words of our General Superior. Watching my sisters gathered together to celebrate our grace-filled heritage filled my eyes with tears. However, the most touching moment for me was when we sang St. Alphonsus' O God of Loveliness. Being daughters of Alphonsus, the words were very touching for us and I was not the only one with a few tears in my eyes. Here are the words:

O God of loveliness, O Lord of Heaven above,

How worthy to possess my heart’s devoted love.
So sweet Thy countenance, so gracious to behold
That one, one only glance to me were bliss untold.

Thou art blest Three in One, yet undivided still,

Thou art the One alone, whose love my heart can fill.
The heav’ns and earth below were fashioned by Thy Word,
How amiable art Thou, my ever dearest Lord.

To think Thou art my God—O thought forever blest!

My heart has overflowed with joy within my breast.
My soul so full of bliss, is plunged as in a sea,
Deep in the sweet abyss of holy charity.

O Loveliness supreme, and Beauty infinite,

O ever flowing Stream and Ocean of delight,
O Life by which I live, my truest Life above,
To Thee alone I give my undivided love.

After our guests left the Motherhouse and we collapsed after a joy-filled day, everyone wandered back to their rooms to rest. I awoke to the news of another guest - this one not so pleasant. I went to get some coffee this morning and there was a note on the white board which is usually reserved for schedule changes. It said, "BAT ALERT."

Well... after a busy day of sisters roaming in and out and all over the Motherhouse a bat decided to pay us a visit. So needless to say, he scared many a sister and is still stalking around here somewhere. It is a good thing we have some expert bat catchers. It is a frequent occurrence in the summer for us to find some of these dear creatures making themselves at home in the high ceilings and stone cellars of our beautiful Motherhouse. Naturally some sisters scream and run when they see them, while others have honed their skills and have become our very own bat catchers. They have their own nets and systems to find and capture our guests to release them back into the wild. Hopefully we find this little guy soon and return him to where he belongs.

Prayer

2010-07-31T15:29:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking today of a prayer that I haven't said in a while but was given to me by an older sister before I entered. The only words I can remember right now are, "in the bounds of thy creation, no one needs thee more than I..." It's surfacing has given me such a wonderful feeling of being held by God and of the rightness of my life. It has been a peaceful presence today.

It's amazing how God reaches into the memory to pull out things you forgot you had but He knows you need. When I find the prayer (which may already be at my new convent... so it could be a few weeks!) I will post it because it was very helpful to me in learning that it is okay to be needy before God. He knows I am but I always need a reminder. All of my things that I usually have in my "prayer corner" of my bedroom are in containers waiting for my arrival at my new convent and so I have been a little low on visual reminders of God. It's a good thing that He lives within me and He continues to call out the reminders I already have. So, God, come to me because in the bounds of thy creation, no one needs thee more than I!

2010-07-27T13:33:00.000-04:00

"We wait for peace, to no avail..."

Life sometimes feels like this, doesn't it? I always think that the reason I am lacking peace comes from the outside. Whenever I feel that nagging anxiety rear it's ugly head, the first thing I do is try to figure out what is causing it. I always come up with wonderfully creative answers; it's the way sister so and so spoke to me this morning, it's stomachache from dinner last night, it's the sister who keeps moving around in front of me and distracting me from prayer, and on and on and on...

Really though, it is always me that causes me to lack peace. Sure, those outside things are related, but they aren't the root. The root is that I am waiting for peace from the world, which I will never get. I'm waiting for peace to come from something I do, something of which I am in control. There will never be peace in those things. I know that on an intellectual level but I have spiritual amnesia and every time God teaches me this lesson I forget and have to start over again.

It is scary how far along I can get sometimes without bringing this to Him. And then it happens... I mess up! And usually I mess up pretty big. Then I think, "Peace, what's peace?" All the sudden it seems futile to continue to try to be holy, to be prayerful, to be charitable because there is no hope. I depended on me, and I failed.

That is why God is so good... even though I do this over and over and over again (and it is one of my greatest faults) He is still there waiting to give the peace that I have been refusing. This peace always involves a true show of myself to Him and to everyone around me and unfortunately I don't always look my best. His grace heals all that though and as hard as it is, I get back up and keep on walking. Each time I hope it won't happen again, but it always does.... I guess I haven't learned humility yet.

But it is a learning process, and only good things come from God so I am convinced that peace will come and God is here.

Missioned

2010-07-22T10:05:00.000-04:00

This week I moved some of my things into my new convent home. It was an adventure as always. I've been cleaning out and packing since I received my obedience and finally I had most of my stuff sorted and packed. It was nerve racking making sure I remembered everything. I was nervous too to meet some of the sisters with whom I'll live. However, when I arrived at the convent all the sisters helped me bring my things in. They were so hospitable and warm. We went first to visit Jesus in our chapel and then I got the whole tour of the convent. I stayed for evening prayer and dinner as well. It was so nice to be welcomed in that way and I can't wait to begin a new assignment in that convent home. For now though there is more to be done and retreat to happen.

That one thing a vocation depends upon...

2010-07-18T08:09:00.000-04:00

"There is need of only one thing."

Sometimes I have to ask myself, what is that one thing? I often catch myself saying, "I just need to get ___ before I can do __." Most of the time when I am saying that it is because I want to be comfortable. I want to have everything I need and to use it as I please. Once in a while it really is just procrastination but usually it is the issue of comfort.

Many people ask sisters if they have to give up x, y and/or z things in religious life. It is definitely a valid question because you need to know what you're agreeing to if you choose to enter into religious life. However, that mentality is discarded in formation and community living as you are challenged and stretched into the attitude of "yes."

Suddenly the change occurs, sometimes we don't even realize it happening, and we become more selfless. We stop litigating within ourselves what we will give based on what we think we're going to receive. When we do revert back to that older way of thinking it shocks us and we think, "Didn't I already get past that?"

However much we do get past it, original sin makes sure that we are always on our guard against letting it become our primary way of relating.

Recently, I have been experiencing this more and more as I get ready to go to a new mission. It preoccupies my mind almost all the time, haha, as it would anyone else who is making a big change. I think, "Oh, if only I had this computer program, I could do the coolest things in school!" "If I only had a little money to buy this kind of book, I could really teach this."

This little voice in my head goes on and on and on about all the things that would make my move more simple, school more successful, and convent life more comfortable. But it isn't supposed to be comfortable. It needs to be challenging, selfless, life-giving, sacrificial, and above all prayerful. The one thing needed for this attitude shift is prayer. God gives to those who rely on Him and that is exactly what I intend on doing. I know that little voice is going to continue prodding me with wonderful suggestions, but if I give in, there will be more and more and more. The peace I need, the comfort I desire comes only from Him.

I'm a blogging disgrace!

2010-07-14T20:01:00.003-04:00

Wow, over a month and all silent on the nun front. Actually, while that sounds very holy and relaxing - it isn't true. In fact is that things have been so busy I haven't had a moment to spare to write a thing. So far this summer I've had a lot of exciting things going on; Bible Camp at an inner city school, classes in education, preparation for my new mission, packing, cleaning, and lots of prayer work. By prayer work I mean entering into a deeper time of reflection for myself.

Change is always difficult and exciting and a whole lot of other emotions at once. Religious life is one big adventure and you never know where you will be next which is such an awesome opportunity to meet and serve God's people. I've been thinking a lot lately about the vocation to religious life and identity. Many people ask me at times, is your community liberal... are they conservative, are they traditional... are they progressive? And, I never have an answer because my answer is that we are Catholic religious sisters.

As I've been reflecting on the ability to give of myself completely to others in imitation of Jesus, I have found that there is far too much resting on labels like those above. Although it is true that I act in a more conservative manner and I pray in a more traditional manner; conservative and traditional are not my identity. Being a sister to all is my identity. And it is such a wonderful and life-giving opportunity to let go of comfort zones.

I feel comfortable as a conservative and traditional religious sister; but if I polarize someone by not being able to leave my comfort zone and enter into theirs, how will I ever be able to show them that God loves them and that the Church loves them? I can't tell you how many uncomfortable situations I have been in at times because of this labeling and I continue to try to escape any label other than sister.

I am doing a summer camp right now in the inner city. Many of the kids are not Catholic, and many don't understand what a sister is, except that we really love them and like to have fun with them. Well, yesterday a four year old came over and asked myself and a sister who looks just like me (it really makes things difficult, no one can tell us apart! We're also the same age in religion!) "Are you two sisters?" Sister M. answered right away, "We are Catholic religious sisters but we aren't related, we don't have the same mom." Our dear little angel then offered, "Oh, I get it, you have the same dad," and skipped off on her way. Well, we thought it was hilarious, but it offered for me another opportunity to examine the attitudes I have. I was able to accept her for her lack of understanding and her lack of exposure to sisters.

Now, we didn't continue the conversation there, but it continued in a more subtle way throughout the days we have spent with the children. They see that we love them, that we care about them, that we want them to be happy and safe, and in that they see a sister. They may not be able to put that into sophisticated words but I can tell by the way they hug me and talk to me that they know that I am their family in God.

Now as I get prepared to go out on the mission I hope and pray that this understanding continues to grow so that I can meet all people and work towards bringing us all into the Church together. It is such a gift to be a sister and nothing else to those who need us most. Thank you, Lord.

Formation Fun

2010-05-31T08:29:00.003-04:00

Summers in formation in my community have always been times of great excitement, anticipation, joy, and expectation for all the young sisters... and the more mature as well! Everyone looks forward to these days of preparation and anxiety because they mark the continuation of our journeying together closer to Jesus. All of our ceremonies (Reception of the Habit, First Profession, Renewal of Vows, and Final Profession) take place in August, so tomorrow we will be in June and the planning must begin! Countdowns from all levels of formation are also beginning these days! You always hear the "How many more days...?" and "When is the next thing happening...?" during these months!

Postulants are having their habit "fittings." They learn how to hem and care for their habits. By far though the most exciting part for them is the veil. As they slowly get to try on different parts before the big day, the dear sisters see whether they have a good veil haircut! This begins quite a frantic search for the way to wear ones hair. Everyone wants to look nice on Reception Day. The other exciting part for them is their congregational crucifix. Once they find a chain that is the right length (tall sisters need longer chains, shorter need smaller) it goes to the jewelers. We don't have clasps because they usually break. It is just one long chain. All look forward to the day they come back shiny and "new" from the jewelers so that they can "hold it" overnight before it is put back into the habit closet and locked away for the big day!

The canonical novices feed off the excitement of the others because this is their year "off" from celebrations. They go out of their way to make sure that these days are wonderful for the other sisters. However, they are very ready to emerge from their intense year of formation to begin more apostolic work outside of the novitiate.

Senior novices are by far the most excited and nervous! These days mean making vows, but they also mean going out on the mission and teaching. They have both religious preparation to make but also practical preparation for school. Being changed to a new convent with an apostolic assignment is exciting but scary after spending three years in the Motherhouse. The novices love to shop for school supplies and personal supplies that they may need before they leave (Usually after three years, they are in sure need of new slips among other "worn out" "falling apart" items. Shoes are another big item.). While they are excited for their habits, they are already wearing them so the biggest change is the black veil and ring. Every novice longs for the black veil so they can "fit in" with the crowd but also because of its symbolism. They want to say I have given my life to Jesus.

There is usually an evening when, upon entering the community room, the novices are surprised by the "ring box" being open and all the sisters gathered to watch you try them on and see which one fits best and looks the nicest. Stories of receiving rings 25, 50, or 60 years ago abound and the anticipation of wearing one "for good" grows. We recycle our rings and when a sister dies her ring goes back "in the box" for another sister to wear. The same is true of our crucifixes. It is so special to know that another faithful sister wore that ring because of her consecration before you. The rings carry the inscription, "ego te sponsabo" - to You I am espoused. At final profession the rings are engraved with the hearts of Jesus and Mary on the outside. The chosen ring goes to the jewelers to have the hearts buffed off until the day the sister can say her vows "for all my life."

Junior professed are ready to get some summer rest now that a busy school year is over. Trips to help in the retreat house down the shore and working in our nursing home offer some relatively unstructured fun time to be together. When they come to our formation retreat in August, they prepare for renewal of their vows and enjoy some quiet time. They also enjoy watching everyone else get a little wild about the upcoming events! The sisters who will be making final vows have lots to do before the big day but make sure to have lots of fun also!

As these days draw near please pray for all the sisters who will be making these steps. They are fun-filled, exciting, and prayerful days of preparation for the "next step" of our life in an apostolic religious community. God bless!

"The Trial of Benedict XVI"

2010-05-29T07:29:00.008-04:00

The time magazine cover and story on Pope Benedict is more than enough of a trial for our dear Holy Father. I am supremely disappointed in the unprofessional and biased journalism in it. I would like to point out a few problems with the article. I have heard others say that anti-Catholicism is the last acceptable prejudice, which I agree, but I think that this article is the most blatant form of anti-Catholicism that I have experienced.

"The crisis facing the church is deeply complicated by the fact that in 1980, as Archbishop of Munich, the future Benedict XVI appears to have mismanaged the assignment of an accused pedophile priest under his charge. "

The first issue I have with this is that we are told in the first line that this is a fact. It is not. Objectively, could this be true? Sure, it could be. But is it true? From what I have heard explained, and I don't have a reference for this, it seems that at the time the accused priest was changed to another assignment, our Holy Father simply approved it as was the custom without knowing anything of the priest's problem. Could he have "managed" this issue better? Maybe, I really don't know. The point is that this "fact" is malicious and without substance.

"Can the Pope, the living embodiment of the ancient Gospel and absolute spiritual leader of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics, publicly atone for his sins and yet preserve the theological impregnability of the papacy?"

Wow, is all I can say. Last night when I was reading this article in the community room with the sisters, they were amazed at how many noises were coming from my seat. This line got a resounding "WHAT!?" I just want to know who told Jeff Israely and Howard Chua-Eoan that the Holy Father is the "living embodiment of the ancient Gospel." I have never heard anyone refer to the Holy Father in this way. Vicar of Christ? Absolutely. But "living embodiement of the ancient Gospel" is just strange.

I also take exception to the idea that the Gospel is ancient. First, from a secular viewpoint, Dinosaurs are ancient. 2,000 years is really nothing in comparison with the whole history of our world. Second, from a faith perspective, the Gospel is alive in all of us and alive in our World.

The next issue I have here is with the "publicly atone for his sins" idea. Our Holy Father has apologized for the Church and I believe in my heart that if he had done something wrong in his handling of this crisis, he would have already asked forgiveness on a personal level. I have no proof of this except for my faith in him.

Lastly, I have a real problem with any "reporter" using the incorrect word for something, for example, calling the apostolic visitation an investigation. It is bad journalism and misleading. So that brings me to the "theological impregnability of the papacy." I think what our dear writers were trying to bring up was papal infallibility. Throughout the rest of the article they make it supremely clear that they have no idea what they are talking about and have done no research in order to understand. Papal infallibility really has nothing to do with this whole situation anyway. If our Holy Father decided to say that pedophilia wasn't a sin as a matter of morals from the Chair of Peter, then we would have an issue with papal infallibility, a BIG issue. However, we all know though that that would never happen because it is wrong!

"In the end, the test is not about doctrine or dogma, not even about the wording of mea culpas and the resignation or prosecution of prelates. It is, rather, about the voices of children finally crying out, long after their childhood."

Finally, they got something right! However, it took them a page and a half to get to it and the victims are not mentioned in the article in a profound way after this! If this is truly what it is about, why not start from there? Because this article does no justice to the victims of sexual abuse. It is a smear campaign against the Holy Father and I am extremely disappointed in Time for using these people, who have already been used for someone else's "gain", for Time's own gain. They should be ashamed.

"For years, offending clerics were, at most, banished to silence and distant monasteries or to therapy or sometimes defrocked for what in civilian cases would have earned the guilty long prison terms."

What they forget is that these men were sent to live a life of penance to atone for their sins. It is a public admittance of guilt whether anyone else understood it to be so or not. Also when many of these terrible crimes occurred, no one in the psychological community even knew how deep a problem it was. People thought they could be "fixed" or "helped".

"In the language of the church, the sacrament of penance involves confession and then a priestly absolution of the sinner. But what kind of penance would a Pope with fingerprints on the controversy have to perform? There lies an intricate theological problem."

In the sacramental sense of penance, yes it does require confession and absolution. "In the language of the Church" however, penance has a much broader meaning. They do have a point though. We as a Church should be doing some penance for what has happened, whether we personally have done anything wrong or not. We are one Body and we are responsible for one another.

However, yet again, the Pope does not have "fingerprints on the controversy." Judging by the haphazard theology Time has used throughout this article it is no wonder that we are now going to have an "intricate theological problem." I can't wait to hear it.

"As the crisis grew in March and went on into April, many in the Vatican worried about the effect it would have on the papal magisterium — the historic, cumulative and majestic authority of the Pope to teach and preach the will of God."

Okay, I have to say, these two really have a wonderful repertoire of adjectives. They are just failing in using them correctly. Historic, cumulative, and majestic authority? I'm just not exactly where they got that from. I'm not disagreeing because I really have no idea what they are trying to get at... if I knew what they were talking about I might disagree.

"Vatican officials are concerned that a mea culpa would diminish the magisterium, which has been integral to the papacy's ability to project power in the world throughout its history, from the humiliation of the Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV at Canossa in the 11th century to the humbling of Soviet power in Poland in the 20th."

Who are these Vatican officials?? I'm not sure I believe they exist outside of the minds of these two "journalists."

Now this is the real clincher. I had to stop reading after this last night because I was getting so riled up! Brace yourself for this one.

"It plays a key role in the doctrine of papal infallibility, which declares that the Pope is never in error when he issues teachings ex cathedra — that is, elucidating dogma from the throne of St. Peter. It is tied up in the traditional prerogatives of that Apostle, to whom was given the power "to bind and loose" in heaven and on earth — in rough terms, the church's ability to open the gates of heaven to you or damn you to hell because it will always be holier than thou."

Do you care to tell me how you really feel about the Church? From the Catechism,

"The Roman Pontiff, head of the college of bishops, enjoys this infallibility in virtue of his office, when, as supreme pastor and teacher of all the faithful—who confirms his brethren in the faith—he proclaims by a definitive act a doctrine pertaining to faith or morals. . . . The infallibility promised to the Church is also present in the body of bishops when, together with Peter's successor, they exercise the supreme Magisterium," above all in an Ecumenical Council. When the Church through its supreme Magisterium proposes a doctrine "for belief as being divinely revealed,"and as the teaching of Christ, the definitions "must be adhered to with the obedience of faith."This infallibility extends as far as the deposit of divine Revelation itself."

Wow, isn't that interesting... nothing about damning anyone to Hell. Nothing about being holier than thou. Cliches really have no place in good journalism anyway.

"Presented with the scenario of a personal apology by the human embodiment of the church, a well-placed Vatican official sighed as he weighed the theological and historical implications. "It's dangerous," he said. "It's dangerous."

Again, who is this well-placed Vatican official? Maybe our Holy Father's cook? I don't know.

"The Catholic Church believes it is Christ's representative on earth, with all the sinlessness and omnipotent authority of its Saviour."

No one in the Church is without sin. The Church, herself, is Christ's sinless Bride. It is a matter of faith but it certainly has been twisted here.

"For some liberals, the crisis over sex abuse is a chance to argue old questions of dogma and discipline once again: for example, to address the necessity of celibacy in the priesthood and the church's vision of sex, to expand the role of women and to define the status of Catholic homosexuals. Others say the authority of the bishops — and the Pope — must now be shared with the faithful."

There are many married men and women who have committed abuse. I think we can drop the whole "celibacy is the cause of sex abuse" line. And it has nothing to do with women or the "status of homosexuals" which is the same as any other lay Catholic. We are all called to live a chaste life!

The last paragraph, in spite of all the other junk in the rest of the article, is actually quite beautiful.

"One vision for the future echoes from the past. A conservative website is circulating a prophecy uttered by a 42-year-old Catholic theologian in 1969, amid the turmoil of that year of radicalism and barricades. The priest envisioned a post-imperial papacy, shorn of wealth and pretenses of earthly power. "From today's crisis, a church will emerge tomorrow that will have lost a great deal," he said on German radio. "She will be small and, to a large extent, will have to start from the beginning. She will no longer be able to fill many of the buildings created in her period of great splendor. Because of the smaller number of her followers, she will lose many of her privileges in society. Contrary to what has happened until now, she will present herself much more as a community of volunteers ... As a small community, she will demand much more from the initiative of each of her members and she will certainly also acknowledge new forms of ministry and will raise up to the priesthood proven Christians who have other jobs ... It will make her poor and a church of the little people ... All this will require time. The process will be slow and painful." The theologian was Joseph Ratzinger. And his vision from 40 years ago may now unfold in ways he could never have imagined."

We may get smaller... but God be praised if we do! Let us suffer this persecution well. Let us pray for our Holy Father, all bishops and priests, and all who have been hurt by anyone within the Church. But most of all, let us stay close to one another and call one another closer to Jesus, the lover of all.

Long Time!

2010-05-25T08:58:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated in a while because last week I was on a very nice trip. No, I wasn't on vacation or retreat. I was helping to open our summer retreat house down the shore. Usually we have the internet there but one of the winter storms caused some damage to the computer room and things were not hooked up yet. It was a very relaxing and refreshing week. The sisters cleaned in the morning and then ate a late lunch and then we were off to the beach to enjoy God's creation.

Thank you for praying for my special intention I mentioned in my last post. It took much longer to be resolved than I was hoping for, but all things in God's time! Patience is a virtue I really need to work on. The reason I was requesting prayers was because I am receiving my first official change. In my community this is the season for sisters to be sent to different missions. We are educators so we find out in late May and we move to our new convent and parish communities in August.

I could barely contain my excitement to find out where God would be taking me next in this exciting journey of religious life and so I have felt quite restless these past few weeks. Good hard work down the shore definitely helped relieve some of that! Finally the day came for me to receive my change. After Mass an envelope was handed to me with my name on it. Inside a holy card and a paper saying, "Dear Sister, You are appointed by Holy Obedience..." Many hugs, good wishes, and prayers of thanksgiving later reality set in that I am actually going to be missioned! I am so happy and excited to go to this new home.

Please join me in thanking God for His goodness!

Funeral and Special Intention

2010-05-07T09:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I was at a funeral for a relative of one of my sisters when I met a very nice priest. He introduced himself when he saw the sisters because he was taught as a child by our community. One of the first things he said was, "Next week I'm celebrating my 53rd year as a priest... It's a great life." I was so touched. First, our sisters always use that phrase, "it's a great life!" It's true it is! But I've never heard a man say it about any vocation - not because it isn't true but I guess they just don't share in that way. This priest's simple sharing of his joy lifted my heart and made me thank God all the more for the gift of priests in this year for the priest. So my prayers today are for all priests and especially the one I met yesterday.

I also ask if you can hold a very special intention in your prayers this week for me. It is weighing on my heart and my hope is that it will be resolved in God's good time and according to His will.

Many thanks.

Vows

2010-05-05T13:45:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about the poverty of the vows. I don't mean this to be a theological or educational post on the vows but just a reflection of my experience and spirituality through them.

There is a time when I feel the emptiness of the vows in a way that is both empty and full at the same time. There is an inherent sacrifice in saying yes to chastity, poverty, and obedience. Sometimes, usually when I pray night prayer alone in my room, I have the opportunity to feel that emptiness more than in the business of the day filled with community and ministry. I can't completely describe the feeling, but it is both a longing and the answer to a promise at the same time.

Sometimes I want to run from it because the experience makes me afraid. I have nothing to compare it to, nothing to fill the emptiness with, and nothing to take my mind away from it. Sometimes I read or clean something until I forget it. But when I stay quiet and still in it; I can give it to God. In those moments I feel more united to Jesus than at any other time. I am dependent on Him and I am trusting in what He has already done for me. It is a gift for which I can never thank Him enough.

In living the vows authentically in that poverty of heart, I feel that there is made a place for God to dwell in my heart. It is the place reserved for Him alone, and the place that our society tries so hard to fill with relationships, entertainment, work, and recreation so that we don't have to feel the longing that lets us know that there is something more. The something more is a Someone who is desperately in love with us. When we feel the place He belongs, we know Him.

"The heart of man is, so to speak, the paradise of God." -Saint Alphonsus

Our Holy Father's Mission Intention

2010-05-01T08:22:00.002-04:00

"That ordained ministers, religious women and men and lay people involved in apostolic work may understand how to infuse missionary enthusiasm into the communities entrusted to their care."

Enthusiasm is a word that has had a lot of meaning for me recently. It is funny how God works things out so that whatever task a person is given, he or she is given the energy, knowledge, and grace to work for God's glory in whatever they might be doing. I have had wonderful experiences in certain places, doing certain jobs and now I am awaiting another mission. I don't have a direct quote but in one of Father George Aschenbrenner's articles or tapes on religious life he says that apostolic communities are held together by the experience of being missioned. I didn't realize how true this really was until experiencing the "ritual" that goes along with being missioned.

Typically in my community, if we are being changed, we receive our new missions during evening prayer. It usually happens during the month of May. Of course, when a particular need arises it can occur anytime, but there is something very special about coming together in prayer as a community and having God's plan revealed to you together with others who are focused on following Him. This year I am preparing to actively have God's plan revealed to me in that way. This is why the Holy Father's mission intention this month struck my heart.

I will be praying for my community that we do God's will wherever we are sent with enthusiasm for the community of faith we will be serving. Selfishly, I will be praying a lot more for myself! I don't know where I will be going or what I will be doing and there is excitement and nervousness... but in the end I know I will have enthusiasm wherever I might be sent. The key is in being sent, being available, and being full of love and zeal for the mission. We are sent together and wherever one of my sisters is, all of us are. We are united in the experience of being sent.

God grant all those who serve your Church to be filled with enthusiasm and love for whatever work You choose for them. Let us rely on You and on one another to fulfill Your will in our world. Amen.

Heart of the Matter

2010-04-28T08:31:00.005-04:00

Last night I went to sleep with a heavy heart. I made the mistake yesterday evening of reading the article in Newsweek, "Bring the Pope to Justice," by Christopher Hitchens. After I read it I felt quite hopeless and very confused about what we would do next. While I find it very unlikely that anything Christopher Hitchens suggested be done to our Holy Father or to the Vatican would actually happen, I did feel the strain of the fact that legal action is being suggested against our Holy Father.

This morning I woke up still feeling that heavy hearted sadness about everything that has happened recently in our Church. The sun was just coming up and my bedroom was filled to the point that I could barely see anything because of the light. As I was getting dressed, I bent down to put my shoes on and noticed the shadow of just my Crucifix on the unfinished wood of my drawers. I stopped what I was doing to look at it and was filled with a sense of peace. A small sign seemed to be present in that shadow. Jesus is the only one that matters. He will take care of this too.

At Mass, as Father was pouring the wine into the chalice I felt drawn again to that Crucifix. I thought that maybe this time in our Church was the time to join in Christ's sacrifice and pour out our own blood with His. I feel that we are being emptied and when we are emptied God uses us in extraordinary ways. When the Holy Father was in the United States he said that our Church would get smaller but more faithful. I think that we are going to lose a lot but that the spiritual fruit of our suffering, sacrifice, and perseverance will be beyond measure.

I join my loses, my heartache, and my desire with all the Church and ask God to sanctify it and lead me to new and lasting life through death. Whatever happens let me make the fundamental choice to follow Jesus faithfully through the Church no matter what hardship occurs.

I don't know if any of this makes much sense but I feel very much at peace with whatever might come from the circumstances in our Church and our world right now. Jesus is in it all. Praise be to God for the good, the bad, the sad, the joyful and all things that can lead to holiness.

Women and Spirit: Catholic Sisters in America

2010-04-24T10:56:00.002-04:00

This is a picture of one of the items included in the Women and Spirit exhibit. I went to see the exhibit a few weeks ago and have been thinking about it ever since. It made me cry, smile, laugh, and thank God for His goodness to us for all this time. In the relatively short history of women religious in the United States there are stories upon stories of women answering God's call in the very radical way of total gift of self to His service. Their joy, suffering, desire, gratitude, confidence, prudence, prayerfulness, and dedication are evident in each section of the exhibit from the first contemplative community to arrive, to nurses in the Civil War, to sisters marching for civil rights. There was just too much to go into all of it!

I was especially touched by the above item though for both practical and spiritual reasons. Practically, this wooden box with three key holes was used to hold all the sisters important papers and valuable items. Three individual sisters had one of the keys and the box only opened with all three keys. As I have grown up in the age of computer passwords, debit pin numbers, and photo ID as ways of securing my identity and valuables; I found this form of protection intriguing, and it worked!

Spiritually, I was thinking of my own person, and my vocation especially as the box. The box holding all the valuable things that God puts into such a frail and weak person. His grace which gave me faith, gifts, talents, feelings, and desires are safely guarded in this sacred place. The question is, how do I retrieve all that God has given me in my life as a religious when I need to use these gifts of grace?

There are three things that are most dear to my life as a religious sister. These keys are the ways that God reveals Himself to me and how I respond to Him. First, and most importantly, is prayer. Without prayer, I would cease being a religious. I would just be someone who does good works. Prayer is the force for everything else I do and God is the foundation for my life. By realizing my need and my dependence on Him, He gives me all that I need. God is a provident and loving God and He never leaves us without.

The next key is community. The sisters with whom I live bring out different parts of me all the time! Some are good and some are bad, but the bad help me to know myself more so that I can continue striving for holiness. Without the key of community living I wouldn't have the vision and support of a group of women learning and growing together. Community is for me an ever changing example of Jesus; teaching, healing, correcting, recreating, and suffering with and for one another.

The third key is mission. As I have grown as a religious, I have done things that I never, even in my wildest dreams, ever thought I would do. I am always in new situations with new people who have different needs and somehow the grace comes to respond. In the apostolate, I see Jesus as the sick, suffering, hungry, thirsty, naked, and uneducated. Somehow, they bring out of this weak sister love, compassion, passion, dedication, hard-work, and enthusiasm for the Kingdom.

Religious life is a lot about balance. Without one of these keys, I can't live up to the vocation God has given me. Authentic apostolic religious life is dependent on these three keys to living and growing towards holiness.

God, may my little box always be ready to open with the touch of your grace, so that all the gifts you have given me may be used for your greater glory and for the coming of the Kingdom on earth. Amen!

Reading

2010-04-21T10:20:00.005-04:00

"There broke out a severe persecution of the Church in Jerusalem,

and all were scattered
throughout the countryside of Judea and Samaria,
except the Apostles.
Devout men buried Stephen and made a loud lament over him.
Saul, meanwhile, was trying to destroy the Church;
entering house after house and dragging out men and women,
he handed them over for imprisonment.

Now those who had been scattered went about preaching the word.
Thus Philip went down to the city of Samaria
and proclaimed the Christ to them.
With one accord, the crowds paid attention to what was said by Philip
when they heard it and saw the signs he was doing.
For unclean spirits, crying out in a loud voice,
came out of many possessed people,
and many paralyzed and crippled people were cured.
There was great joy in that city."

Today at Mass I was touched by this reading in light of a few different things happening in our Church these days. I feel that the whole Church is living through a time when it is necessary to live the Catholic faith more passionately than we have had to in quite a while. By passionately, I mean with a deep willingness to sacrifice for our Church, to do penance for our mistakes, to live as authentic Christian witnesses, and to constantly seek to follow the will of God. I am not saying that this passion is important only now, but that the circumstances in which we are living make it vital that we live with this sort of passion.

The first happening I was reminded of in this reading was the pressure on our Holy Father at this time because of the sex abuse scandal. From the Times Online, "Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, the atheist author, have asked human rights lawyers to produce a case for charging Pope Benedict XVI over his alleged cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic church." We are being persecuted at this time and I feel so strongly that we need to offer up whatever we can for the safety of our Holy Father. In trying to keep the pope away from a whole section of believers, we are seeing the freedom to follow our consciences and our faith threatened. I do believe that this is just the first of many challenges we are soon going to see.

The next interesting thing I see happening has to do with the courageous decision of Bishop Brandt in the diocese of Greensburg, PA to withdraw diocesan resources from vocation promotion to any religious community who signed the NETWORK letter supporting the health-care bill. I am young in religion but I have yet to see any bishop handle the disobedience in religious communities with such prudence, respect, and authenticity. What I am impressed with is the way Bishop Brandt did not punish the sisters for their disobedience, but held them accountable to what they felt they had to do. They distanced themselves from the Church and the Church through Bishop Brandt allowed them the freedom of conscience to follow what they thoughts was right. However, they had to accept the consequences of distancing themselves from the Church. I am hoping that this is the beginning of a new trend in the way we handle these kinds of situations within our Church.

Altogether I think this is a wonderful time for the faithful and religious men and women in particular to rededicate themselves to the mission of the Church. This reading today gave me a lot of hope for this to happen. The eternal city will be one filled with great joy.

2010-04-08T18:38:00.003-04:00

It has taken me a few days to get around to writing but I really feel the need to address some interesting news unfolding about the apostolic visitation of women religious in the United States. The National Catholic Reporter released an article listing the communities that have been chosen to receive an on-site visit and a prayer for those communities and the visitors. The original article attributed both the list and the prayer to Mother Clare. Here you can read the retraction. I tried to post a comment on NCR's website, however, I was denied. While I don't have a copy of the exact wording of what I tried to post I would like to expand on some of my ideas here, since I was not given the opportunity there.

First, there are nineteen communities mentioned in the list of on-site visits. Of the nineteen; two or three wear visible religious garb, most (but not all!) are members of the LCWR, and many (again not all!) would not be considered traditional, but progressive. Any logical person who reads that these particular communities were the sole communities chosen by Mother Clare to be visited would conclude that the visitation is in fact a witch hunt, one that is out to reign in the sisters who are "unfaithful". Those of us who are past the whole conspiracy theory realize that cannot be true.

The list of communities while accurate, is incomplete. It is only a sampling of the communities that are actually being visited. Why would Mother Clare give an incomplete list? She wouldn't. The LCWR gave the list to NCR. This changes the whole story, the whole picture, of a major issue in our Church right now! The LCWR simply told NCR what members of that umbrella organization were being visited as far as they knew and offered a prayer for them. Now, the logical person reading this story realizes that there are communities out there who are being visited who are not on the list because they don't belong to the LCWR, or they are prudent enough to know to keep confidential things, confidential. It doesn't look like a witch hunt anymore, does it?

Now what it looks like is bad and biased reporting in which the process of an apostolic visitation is being twisted and harmed. I am disappointed in NCR for their bad reporting and distortion of these events. I am more disappointed with the LCWR for their lack of prudence and sensitivity in dealing with this issue of visitation. As a religious woman, I intend to use this visitation as an opportunity to show my love for the Church and my desire to be a true, faithful daughter of the Church. I also intend to speak up when an injustice occurs such as this one. I will not be represented by LCWR or NCR and I will not allow this kind of information to float around without trying to correct it.

I also suggest forgetting the prayer suggested by the LCWR. Instead, let us continue to pray the Visitation Prayer given to us by Mother Clare.

O Virgin of the Visitation,
compelled by the Holy Spirit,
and with Jesus hidden beneath your Heart,
you arose in those days and, with haste,
went to your kinswoman Elizabeth,
to serve her in her time of need.
Elizabeth acknowledged your faith,
and a new song came to flower on your lips;
thus did you magnify the Father
whose mercy is from generation to generation.
Visit us now, O Mother of Our Lord,
and obtain for us a quickening of prophetic grace,
that we may serve our sisters in faithfully loving the Church,
and love the Church in humbly serving our sisters,
and so, under your gracious protection,
again and again repeat your words:
“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord;
be it done unto me according to your word.”
O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary!

Please pray for all religious women, that we may be faithful to our calling and that we might all grow in charity and virtue. Amen.

Behold, my heart...

2010-04-04T14:45:00.006-04:00

"O Jesus … remember that you did promise that when you would be elevated on the cross, you would draw all hearts to you. Behold, my heart, softened into tenderness by your death, will no longer resist your calls. Draw all its affections to your love. You have died for me, and I wish to live only for you… .I thank you for the light which you give me, in making me see in these wounds and lacerated members, as through so many lattices, your great and tender affection for me… My Jesus gives himself to me, and I give myself entirely to him… .Come, O Holy Spirit, and inflame our hearts with the love of you."

-St. Alphonsus

He is risen! Alleluia! Last time I posted I was really having a difficult time with following my dear Savior's will. However, Easter has brought with it the peace of doing God's will and not my own. It is amazing how the Church seasons embrace all our human frailty and emotional need at different times. I really identified with the death of Jesus in these days because I was feeling a deep loss in my own life. I also felt a sense of insecurity and unknowing - I'm sure much like the feeling of the disciples when Jesus was crucified. However, at the Easter Vigil, Jesus gave me the grace and the desire to offer my heart to Him in the same way that He offered His spirit to the Father. As the candles were lit, I gave myself over to Him. In that moment I experienced the rebirth of Easter. Problems don't cease to exist, but a joy and peace encompasses them and holds them in the hands of the Father. New graces, new experiences, new adventures occur... there is no longer death, but new life! Who would ever think that this would be the way God would choose to work in our hearts?

It is all about our hearts though. It is all about vulnerability and openness to God's touch in the most personal places of our lives. He touches our desires, our needs, our sadness, our joy, and our pain in ways that inflame the love within us. Today I want to thank Jesus for joy and sadness, for life through death, for peace in difficult times, for allowing me to change and be myself, for being with me when I'm not with Him, and for waiting at my tomb to tell me to rise and set out again on another adventure with Him.

It seems to me more and more all the time that this life with Jesus, especially in my life as a religious, is one big adventure and just when I think that it can't get anymore loving, anymore exciting, anymore passionate, sacrificial, energizing, and life-giving He takes me to a whole other place, a whole other level. I can never understand His will and I can never know the love He has for me without looking upon the Cross and entering the tomb.

Jesus, let me love you with my whole heart. Let me trust in You. Let me grow into the person you desire me to be. Let me give of myself, holding nothing back. Let me follow wherever you lead. Jesus, be with me. Amen

O will of God... so difficult at times!

2010-03-28T20:43:00.003-04:00

Do you remember being denied some desire as a child that would have resulted in a moment of instant gratification in a pure and innocent way? For example, mom and dad might have said no to a big ice cream cone before dinner, or a hot dog at a fair even though you already ate lunch, or an ice pop from the ice cream truck in the summer (Interesting, isn't it, that all my childhood memories of being denied something I really wanted center around food... I wonder what that means!).

I feel like a spoiled child of God right now! I know what I want... that forbidden ice cream cone. However, I also know that I am going to be denied it and I just don't want to go along with it. Sometimes God's good will is like this. When I feel this way, this temptation to have something, I think of the grace that God is showering upon me to conquer my will in even a very small way. These days, however, God is asking me to conquer my will in a much harder way. I am not very strong in this. I am quite stubborn and very logical... so I think I'm always right. Oh, Lord help me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I am in need of the prayers of His faithful in these days. I would be very grateful if you would remember me in prayer as I try to do His will in a difficult situation.

Hopefully I will be able to write a little more often soon. God bless you!

The City

2010-03-19T22:58:00.004-04:00

Without sharing exactly where I live, I will say that it is probably the best city in the United States of America (I bet that's what everyone says!). What can I say? I'm partial! Today, I had a doctors appointment after school. It was a beautiful day outside. The temperature was up in the seventies and the sun was shining. I rolled the windows down in the car and as I was driving I looked at the beautiful faces of all the people stuck in the traffic of pre-rush hour. I could see the beautiful river to the side of the different ramps and freeways I was taking. It was just so wonderful, so full of life, and so full of history.

When we had our school book fair a few months ago, one of the sisters saw me looking intently at a book called "The Art of Freedom." She bought it for me and put it outside my bedroom. I was so grateful for this beautiful testament to our country's character. As I was looking out the car window though, the scenes I saw were much more vivid than any of the artist's visions of our country.

As I passed a homeless man, he blessed himself as I gave him the little money I had with me. When I was sitting at a red light, the man going the opposite direction saw my habit and waved and wished me a good day. As I drove past the seminary, where I have studied and many of my friends have, I felt a joy at our spiritual heritage. God we have been so blessed!

I did not grow up in this city - but around it in the suburbs. I don't know sometimes if the kids I teach realize how lucky they are to live in a place with such a strong Catholic identity and such a beautiful historical tradition. The spirit is amazing.

What a life-giving day! Thank you Lord!

As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.

2010-03-17T21:17:00.002-04:00

John Paul certainly had it right with this quote. Right now I am noticing a lot how hard it is for youth to grow up in the atmosphere of our world right now. I am only in my twenties so I am not too far removed but I see even more now as a teacher.

There are so many things bombarding them all the time from sex to drugs, to revenge, to hate, to addictions, to family issues. There is just so much! My heart aches for them as I look into their eyes when they share with me that their dads have been in jail since they were a year old. What do you say to that? I really don't know except to love. John Paul had it right. As the family goes, so goes everything else. I pray each day that I can maybe sway that family influence when it is negative in another way, that these children of God know that they are loved, appreciated, and worth everything in the world.

Sometimes in school I just think how can they even learn in class? How? When they go home to chaos and inattention. They feel like they don't matter and of course, they react to that in their behavior. I just wish there was some way to take their pain away from them.

We have been having some problems at our school these past few weeks with the attention-grabbing, vengeful behavior of some of our kids. As I have thought about it I can see that they have nothing to fall back on. They seem to be stuck in this cycle of bad decisions. Please pray with me that our youth can find a way to live in the presence of God and dedicate themselves to following His will for each of them.

Work

2010-03-10T21:19:00.004-05:00

On Monday, I ran all day long. You can probably tell I haven't blogged in the past few days, but Monday was especially packed. I won't go through the whole long thing but I didn't get back to my bedroom at night until nine o'clock (I'm really not a night person). When I got back to my bedroom, I sat down in the chair for a few moments to gather my thoughts before getting into bed and falling into a quick coma! While I was sitting there I realized I was smiling. It wasn't because I had a wonderful day and it certainly wasn't because I felt wonderful - boy was I tired! - it was because I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Everything that I do each day seems to be important to God. It is amazing because even the little things matter. I went to a boring meeting on Monday night... but I did it with love. I don't always succeed in doing it with love but on Monday God moved my heart in that direction and I am grateful. Every time things get difficult, He lets me know that I am where I need to be.

These past few days have been difficult ones, with many transitions and many difficulties but I still know that the Lord is with me through them all. He is so good to me. Someone asked me recently, amid the difficulties I have been experiencing, why do I keep going? It is all because of Him. Many times I doubt that He is there with me or that He will take care of all the practical things - but I know that He always does.

"However, take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and to your children's children." -Deuteronomy

I am a teacher. I hope that I do not forget the reason - ever - for my profession as a teacher and my vocation as a religious. Thank you Lord!

Prayers

2010-03-07T21:20:00.001-05:00

I have not been posting too much because my grandmother is sick and a dear friend of mine in faith has been having a difficult time. Please pray for both of them, for healing and peace. Thank you. If there is anything that anyone would like me to blog about I would be happy for suggestions!

God bless you!

Peace

2010-03-04T20:51:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been a whirlwind of a day. This morning I slept in and went to school early... I know, that sounds strange but we had a later schedule because Father came to say Mass for us in the evening so we didn't need to go to the six-thirty. The day went by so quickly. Sometimes there are just days that anything that can go wrong does... today was one of them! Actually, this whole week has been kinda like that!

The students went to Confession today which is wonderful, it does throw a little kink in the schedule though. Don't get me wrong, I love being part of preparing them for and providing the opportunity for them to receive the sacraments. It does get a little stressful though! Strangely enough I found myself about seven hours later in Church doing the same exact thing for the CCD students. I realized again that apostolic joy in bringing others to Jesus.

In between these two scheduled times for confession, we had Mass in the convent Chapel, which I love! First, because it is awesome to have Mass said in the same structure in which you live. Second, because it is an opportunity for the sisters to celebrate the Eucharist together. And third, because the Eucharist is a central element of our community spirituality.

Something was different today though. As many of you have probably experienced, the sign of peace has been changed because of the swine flu outbreak. Today, the ban was lifted, and Father made a little joke about being able to shake hands again. We all laughed and as I looked into the eyes of my sisters at this joyful and new experience, I realized how united we were. In the silent moments after this outbreak of joyful laughter, I thought of God's goodness to me.

In a day that was filled to the brim, God offered me this beautiful little moment of purity and joy. I can't help but wonder how many moments during the day I missed that were also gifts of renewal and refreshment.

Prayer, Work, Community

2010-03-02T21:13:00.004-05:00

We always say the three main staples of religious life are prayer, work, and community life lived in the context of the evangelical counsels. But, boy, does it take a lot of practice to get these three things down! Sometimes the balance is exhausting. It is also rewarding.

Life never moved as quickly as it does for me in the convent. This morning feels like it happened years and years ago! I love the quote that I have frequently heard from my community's history, "A busy day in the life of a religious is one long canticle of praise." Well, it certainly doesn't always feel like a "canticle of praise." I can see though the moments that make these days filled with God. The child who just wants to talk, the Sister who needs a friend or someone to share in her work and joys, and making the time to spend in prayer with the Reason for it all.

As I reflect today on my day I realize how many interactions I have had that have been saturated by my relationship with God and I am so grateful that He is with me all the time! There are usually no moments to question, to reflect on what to do in the moment - so it is the preparation that counts, it is the fueling up in prayer that makes God come to life in the world each day. If I didn't pray each morning before I began my work - it would be meaningless. I am just so thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to spend myself in His service.

Now, after this probably meaningless little post, which probably doesn't make sense, I am going to throw myself into my bed and start all over again. It is a thought that although I am exhausted excites me in a way I have never been excited before. Thank you Lord for this life!

Silent

2010-02-28T19:08:00.002-05:00

"They fell silent and did not at that time tell anyone what they had seen."

In Father's homily this morning he put the words "I don't want to leave here" into the mouth of Peter as he was expanding on the Transfiguration. It touched my heart deeply and I felt I really could cry but was silent because sometimes there aren't any words that express why something or someone is so important.

Maybe it is that sometimes there is so much to say and no words to express the feelings that God gives the gift of silence. I have felt before that feeling of not wanting to leave a place where God has shown Himself to me, wanting to stay forever. Why can't I stay forever? I think that the answer is that the silence in those moments prepares us for the time later to tell what we have seen.

God is so good for allowing those experiences but He allows them for the benefit of others in addition to our own salvation.

“What shall I say? Everything that I could say would fade into insignificance compared with what my heart feels, and your hearts feel, at this moment.” - Pope John Paul II

The Longing for Resurrection

2010-02-26T19:26:00.004-05:00

Well, the third blizzard in a month has made me really enter into the desert (or tundra) with the Lord. I feel very much in the Lenten spirit of solitude and penance. Basically, I have cabin (or convent :)) fever! The winter has been so long and I am more than ready for the sun to come out and warm the earth back to life. In my weary heart I am also more than ready to feel the light of the Resurrection come upon me.

I know, it is only the beginning of Lent, but I think that this longing must be a gift from God for me this season. As I was shoveling this morning so that the sisters could get to Mass, and then after Mass to get the cars out, and then after that to do the sidewalks, I was thinking about the heavy burden of the Cross. Although my body is exhausted from all of this shoveling, my heart is heavy with the love with which I prepared the way for my sisters and the parish community. The reason I worked as I did was because I love them. I want them to be safe and secure.

It was well worth it because I could then watch out for them as we made our way slowly to Mass. A dear sister held onto my arm as I escorted her to the parish church. It filled my heart with joy to be with her and to be able to help her and to show her my love for her through my concern. I think that parents must feel like this quite often because of what they do for their children. I know that my experience today is a small reminder of the self-sacrificing love of Jesus on the Cross.

"And even though the victory over sin and death achieved by Christ in his Cross and Resurrection does not abolish temporal suffering from human life, nor free from suffering the whole historical dimension of human existence, it nevertheless throws a new light upon this dimension and upon every suffering: the light of salvation. This is the light of the Gospel, that is, of the Good News...God the Father has loved the only-begotten Son, that is, he loves him in a lasting way; and then in time, precisely through this all-surpassing love, he "gives" this Son, that he may strike at the very roots of human evil and thus draw close in a salvific way to the whole world of suffering in which man shares." - Pope John Paul II, Salvifici Doloris.

Lord, may I be brought forward to the Resurrection of love and light and grace. Amen.