These past two days have been so wonderful and I am just terrible. I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I love my life, I love religious life. I love the sisters I live with and I love what I do.
In my convent, which is relatively young, the next sister in age to me is over 20 years older than I am. I am the youngest sister in my whole community and it's tough being the youngest - not impossible, but still hard. Part of it being hard is that God is in it. If He weren't in it, it would be easy, simple, and wonderful all the time. But it's not and so I know He is really here.
Today I was annoyed. I was annoyed at the preparations for dinner. I was annoyed at the crazy nun-dom stuff that happens. I was annoyed at Mass. I was annoyed at things people said and did. Ugh, I was just terrible.
I tried to remind myself that it isn't about things being perfect because Christ came into this imperfect world in a really super imperfect way. Nothing was ready; nothing was pretty, nothing was regal... It was all love though.
It is so hard to balance everything and to do it all perfectly and I realize more than ever now that it is completely impossible. There is too much in everyday life. There are only 24 hours a day and much more to be done. I'm still going to do my best but I'm not working towards perfect anymore... I'm working towards love and selflessness. I can't possibly be perfect... I can't live in the perfect circumstances... But maybe, I can do what Jesus did in imperfection and love.
I expect to be blogging more this week... we are having a major snowstorm. I'll be with the nuns all week which will be a plus for my love in imperfect circumstances.
Prayers for all this holy season. Merry Christmas.