I had the strangest experience the other night. As I've mentioned before I love to drive through the city, especially at night when there is no traffic, and I was coming home late the other night and decided to take the "scenic" route. As I was watching the cars and the lights and the people and reflecting on the very good meeting I was returning from I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God to me. How, when I look at all these people, have I been so blessed to live and work and have my being in this great God? How, after all the missteps I should have fallen into, have I become this woman I could not have even imagined five years ago, not for myself and not for anyone else either? What have I done to deserve the community I love, the apostolate in which I experience redemption, and the intimate relationship with the King?
I know it is nothing I have done but it still boggles my mind... how did I end up here? I ask this question not in disbelief but in awe of what God can do with so little - with less than anything at all. When I look at my past and my experiences of life... I should have been a disaster. There is little to nothing that would indicate that I would ever be a woman religious. I could never think of a better life and I am humbled that God would want me, that in spite of all my flaws and my sinfulness, He would desire me.
It was a painful transformation into this person I never knew but who is me entirely. It required facing masks, accepting loss and transition, losing control, surrendering, sacrifice, and being open to a whole other person - the one God always desired me to be but the one that I never was.
Now, I know God's work with me is not done. The transformation is never complete until eternal life with Him. But I am, if I might use a strange word, in harmony with my whole self and with God. There is no wall, no huge contradiction, no mask, no hiding, no compensation - just life with Him and His people. It is freedom.