This morning at the crack of dawn, which is when I wake up :(, one of the sisters told me that I made the coffee too weak. No good morning, no how are you, just that the coffee was not strong enough. So I felt bad, but I felt worse when another dear sister in Christ came and told me that the coffee was too strong. Now, I know, coffee is not the most important thing in the world. There are people who are starving, who are in despair, who are uneducated, who need health care.... however, this morning all I could think of was this one pot of coffee and how mad I was! I mean how can I make one pot of coffee both stronger and weaker at the same time? Please, someone tell me how, I will do it! But I can't, because it is impossible. Isn't that insane? I know it is insane, but somehow I have found myself in the middle of this day just wanting to go hide in my room with a cup of tea and have a little cry and go to bed.
It isn't just the coffee, of course, but it is funny how one thing can become a catalyst of emotion for many things that have been building up. I know I have a lot to bring to the Lord tonight because I'm being very hard on myself and I need His gentleness and compassion. Someone told me one time that it is a sin to expect yourself to be perfect because you make Christ's death insignificant and unimportant. If we were perfect, His death would be in vain. So, here I am in the same sin as I always am, of wanting myself to be perfect.
Although I am always working on this it is much harder when you move to a new convent and new school. I think people think sometimes when you are a sister and move somewhere that it's just part of the life and you get used to it. But you really don't. Each time it brings up new insecurities, failures, shortcomings, and a plethora of other awkward things. Each time it also brings God's grace, and makes me pay more attention to the fact that I am in need of His grace. I'm not perfect and neither are my sisters, my students, my school, or anyone else I meet.
Please just say a prayer for me today. I feel like a little kid at the end of a vacation; tired, overextended, thrust into a schedule, and having to follow rules that I don't like! I must say it feels great to get this out in the open like this!