I'm avoiding it... the heart to heart talk... the inevitable. I've been filling my time and my spirit with work, reading, stress, cleaning, email, and many other insignificant things. Even my prayer hasn't been prayer but more of a task to complete - and a difficult one at that. I feel a very real desire to bare my soul, to pour it out, to share myself - but at times it feels like there is no place for that - in community, in spirituality, in my busy-ness.
At the Easter Vigil, Father's homily was very touching for me. He said that the vigil is the time for us to revisit the place where we first met Jesus - the tomb of our hearts - where He raised us from the death of sin to our new life in Him. I was thinking... yes... that is exactly what I need to do - to meet Christ again in my heart where I first encountered Him.
Father went on to say that the place where we were all gathered as a parish community was our Galilee of that very moment and that in all the universe that was exactly where Christ had planned for us to encounter Him - Risen! For me - that meant where I was in community. It meant that the sisters I was with were the disciples I was meant to bring Christ to. At the same time, they are the disciples who are meant to bring Christ to me.
I have to be honest - I haven't felt that way recently. Maybe I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain. I expect often a lot from community life. I expect to be challenged, taught, educated, called, appreciated, corrected, and loved... but have I been doing the same? Have I been putting my whole self out there - my faith, my heart, my convictions, my desires, my vision? The truth is no... because I have been afraid of what the reaction would be. I have been unwilling to be challenged, corrected, affirmed, and encouraged. It is scary to share your heart. But I know that right now it is what I most desire.
The other thing I desire is a spiritual director - but God has not seen it in His plan to give me one quite yet... I am getting desperate though so I ask your prayers that He puts someone in my path.