My Homeless Husband

Well, tonight I was very upset during Mass.  I decided to go to the Saturday Vigil Mass because I have been sick with a cold this week and a sleep in tomorrow is exactly what I need.  On my way over a man came to ask me for prayers.  There are many homeless people who live around the convent because of our location and I make it a point not to ever turn them away from me.  They want to know the sisters love them and care about them.
He didn't ask me for any money.  He just wanted to pray together.  I took his hand in mine and he closed his eyes while I said a few words for both of us to God asking for help and thanking Him for our lives.  He smelled of alcohol and after I prayed with him he hugged me and thanked me for caring.  I was reminded of Father Damien and the lepers.
When I reached the doors to church an older woman scolded me for speaking to him.  She told me he was a drunk and a good for nothing freeloader.  He didn't belong here in our parish.   I was quite angry, and told her that Jesus had no home and relied on the people in the towns He visited.  I also told her that love had no limit and that he asked me for prayers only.  I almost told her my natural father is an alcoholic... thank God I controlled myself!
However, when the Gospel began about Lazarus I came close to crying.  Are the homeless not allowed to attend Mass?  Can they not be in the presence of Jesus unless they are cleaned up and straightened out?  Are they outside of salvation's reach because they don't have a house to live in?  And what about that woman who scolded me... will she be accepted into the Father's house after denying this man prayer?  Will she be able to look Jesus in the eyes after turning Him away?  Her disgust and hatred was so evident, it was sickening.
When I got home, I told the sisters all about it and I was glad they agreed with me.  We have problems with security in our house.  It isn't safe sometimes because of the amount of people living in tents and other haphazard structures around our convent so I was worried they might have the same feeling about this poor man.  However, they agreed.  I shouldn't have even second guessed them.  He is a human being.  He deserves and needs love.
Anyway, I realized when I got home that I could look my husband in the eyes because of what I said to that man today.  I don't care about that woman's hatred for this poor soul or what the more well - to - do members of the parish thought of seeing me conversing with him and holding his hand because the only person who matters is Him.  I truly believe that Jesus has much more in common with that homeless man than He does with the people who tell him he doesn't belong.  He loved. He asked for help. He accepted charity. He forgave. He prayed.
Lord let me do the same.  Let me never become so complacent and particular that I cannot accept the ways in which You decide to reveal Yourself to me.  Never let me deny Lazarus a drink of water, a bite to eat, a prayer to share.  

Everyday Life

Well, I was thinking about the enormous amount of things I am so blessed to get to include in my day and I thought I would share a little with you of what a typical day for me is like.  During the week, I wake up at 4:30 and get dressed quickly.  It is the least favorite part of my day.  If I could change anything in the world, it would be that in the morning you would wake up dressed and washed and ready to go.  The prayers I say as I put on my habit in the morning are so beautiful, however, being human, I don't remember even saying them when I make it to Chapel because I am usually so tired!

I spend an hour in prayer in our convent Chapel before morning prayer in common with the sisters.  Sometimes I pray my Rosary, my stations, journal, or spiritual reading.  What I don't do in the morning I do at night.  We always say the Rosary and the Stations of the Cross.  I live in a small house right now and none of us are good singers.  Thank God He loves us whether we are good singers or not because some days just starting the hymn is a comedy.  The General Superior doesn't ask about musical skills before she changes us under obedience.

After prayers, we have to drive to the next parish over for Mass.  Each day after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, we renew our vows privately in our hearts.  Usually I put my face in my hands so that I don't get distracted as I remember those words I have said each day that are the very meaning of my life, and the very meaning of the Eucharist.  These words, which I so often say without the reverence they deserve, shape my whole life and my every day.

When I get home from Mass, I pick up my school bag and off I go!  I have a half-hour to set up my SmartBoard, my laptop, and other classroom resources before my little children of God show up.  They come in like a flash of lightning and they actually are not little at all.  I teach middle school.  So, you can imagine how their entrance each day goes!

I try all day to talk some sense into preteen boys and girls - mostly a futile task - and love them.  Those are my two jobs when I am at school.  However, in addition to that, they confide in me, they laugh with me, they cry with me and they share their lives with me.  What a gift from God!

After school, I pack my bag and scuttle home after my desk looks somewhat neat and clean.  I unpack my things, do a little work, and go to Chapel for evening prayer.  After vespers, we eat dinner together.  I clean the kitchen after dinner because it is my charge.  If I don't have a parent, school, or community meeting (which seems rare sometimes) I go watch the news with the nuns and then get in the shower and put my pjs on.  This is one of my favorite parts of the day! Ha!

I might do some schoolwork, go to the community room with the sisters, or go to chapel after this.  Either way I always end the day in my bedroom praying compline and doing a little spiritual reading before I hit the hay.  As I fall asleep I start my second rosary.  My guardian angel always finishes!

So thank you Jesus for the weekend! I am exhausted just from writing this and need some major rest.  On Saturday the parish mass is at 9 am!  So goodnight and God bless!

The Nature of Sacrifice

This weekend I was at a community meeting and it became painfully clear how much we need to talk about what sacrifice and hard work really are.  After enjoying a wonderful day with my sisters, we had Mass in our Chapel at our Motherhouse.  The priest who said Mass was just wonderful - a Redemptorist like our dear founder.  He was, maybe not so prudently, saying that religious women have done more for the Church than anyone.  The heart of his comment was really to let us know his gratitude for us and the gratitude of the Church for our sacrifice and our hard work.

I'm not sure quite how it happened next but all the sudden from behind me I heard a clap.  Someone was actually clapping out loud during the homily.  While I was immediately disturbed by sister's lack of etiquette and reverence, I pondered from where her reaction came.  I found myself meditating on the sentence, "Because we have sacrificed so much..." and I realized that the way I finish that sentence is, unfortunately, different from the way she does.

The way I finish that sentence is "I still haven't given enough, I need to give more, Christ calls me to continue, our Blessed Mother aids me in my perseverance, we must give it all, we have to keep serving, we have to keep going."  The way my dear sister finished the sentence is "we deserve a break, we deserve respect, we deserve more freedom, we are finished our work, we should relax, we should take a break, we should be put on pedestals and not be expected to live the harsh, difficult, and radical life God has given to us."

I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't upset me that any of my sisters feels this way... it profoundly does.  It breaks my heart that some of their hearts have become so hard.  At the same time I realize she didn't just decide one day to wake up and think this way.  It probably started with a superior who made her go to school when she had the flu, then a pastor who didn't support the school, then an older sister who yelled at her for nothing, a principal who put all the responsibility of the school on her shoulders.  Soon enough, she saw other sisters moving into their own apartments, taking on prestigious positions, and earning their own way.

Fortunately, her position is not one that many of my sisters share, but it is painful nonetheless.  It is painful both for her and for the rest of us.  I don't know how anyone else felt after the little outburst.  It was little because no one joined her.  However, I felt called very much to pray and think about sacrificing more and about protecting my heart from the hardness that can come from being treated with a lack of charity.  We are all human and our sisters will always fail.  I will always fail them.  But it is Him who does all things in us.  We do not need to worry.  We do not need to take all of these things on our shoulders.  He who has called us will see us through.

I leave this little reflection feeling very much at peace and very much dedicated to continuing to sacrifice, especially for my sister who needs my prayers and my love at this point.  It is so easy to see her as "other" and as "outside" the group.  Her views may be, however, she is still vowed in the same way I am and I am still responsible for her, as she is for me.

Community is the place where we lead one another down the road to Heaven.  God gives us those who need help and those who can help us wherever we go.  Sister may never know this but God was able to use even this for His good because He was able to remind my heart to trust, to love, and to give unreservedly so that I never lose sight the purpose of my life.      

First Full Week of School... ahhhhhh

Tomorrow the first full week of school comes to an end and I am overwhelmed yet peaceful and happy at the same time about how the week has gone, and how the weekend is going to come!  Quite frequently these days I have felt the uncontrollable urge to cry... and not because I'm having a bad day like I did before.  I could chalk it up to the very human feeling of lack of sleep and overwhelming circumstances, however, it seems more like a heightened emotional state.

I am in a new convent, teaching in a new school, living with new sisters, praying in a new chapel, and living basically a totally new life.  I just feel so touched by the small things, whether they be sad, happy, difficult, simple... they are all just such vivid feelings.  My children are especially big reasons for my tears.  Middle schoolers... anyone who has children in that age range or have taught them certainly understands my feelings.  They can be so profound, so needy, so loving, so compassionate, so mean, so sad all at once and it changes so frequently.  I almost feel like they are rubbing off on me!

Really, I know that I have been given such a gift and a privilege to walk with them as their teacher, as someone who loves them and desires all the best things for them.  It gets my emotions all riled up, because they have so much potential and they don't know it.  But, I love them.  That is what I promised to do and I know that there are many people in their lives who have not promised to do that in the same way and they get messages all the time that they are no one, that they do not matter, and that they won't be anything important ever.

It just breaks my heart and at the same time I can see so much in their eyes when they look at me, when they realize that they learned something, that they pleased me, that they are having fun, that they look like little children sometimes, even when they are in trouble.  I know that every moment is essential to their formation as Catholic young men and women.  They just always make me want to cry! :)

This weekend I will be at our Motherhouse for some community meetings and with a friend of mine for some fun.  Hopefully, both will help me unwind!

Bad Day

I always hate it when this happens, and I never want to admit it but I am having a terrible day today!  It's really all very silly except that it is the first week of school and so I'm already a little bit on edge.  Here is how it started...

This morning at the crack of dawn, which is when I wake up :(, one of the sisters told me that I made the coffee too weak.  No good morning, no how are you, just that the coffee was not strong enough.  So I felt bad, but I felt worse when another dear sister in Christ came and told me that the coffee was too strong.  Now, I know, coffee is not the most important thing in the world.  There are people who are starving, who are in despair, who are uneducated, who need health care.... however, this morning all I could think of was this one pot of coffee and how mad I was!  I mean how can I make one pot of coffee both stronger and weaker at the same time?  Please, someone tell me how, I will do it!  But I can't, because it is impossible.  Isn't that insane?  I know it is insane, but somehow I have found myself in the middle of this day just wanting to go hide in my room with a cup of tea and have a little cry and go to bed.  

It isn't just the coffee, of course, but it is funny how one thing can become a catalyst of emotion for many things that have been building up.  I know I have a lot to bring to the Lord tonight because I'm being very hard on myself and I need His gentleness and compassion.  Someone told me one time that it is a sin to expect yourself to be perfect because you make Christ's death insignificant and unimportant.  If we were perfect, His death would be in vain.  So, here I am in the same sin as I always am, of wanting myself to be perfect.

Although I am always working on this it is much harder when you move to a new convent and new school.  I think people think sometimes when you are a sister and move somewhere that it's just part of the life and you get used to it.  But you really don't.  Each time it brings up new insecurities, failures, shortcomings, and a plethora of other awkward things.  Each time it also brings God's grace, and makes me pay more attention to the fact that I am in need of His grace.  I'm not perfect and neither are my sisters, my students, my school, or anyone else I meet.  

Please just say a prayer for me today.  I feel like a little kid at the end of a vacation; tired, overextended, thrust into a schedule, and having to follow rules that I don't like!  I must say it feels great to get this out in the open like this!  

Dinner Out

I have mentioned before how nice it is in the summer to have a little extra unstructured time to have fun and be spontaneous.  Well, today I was working diligently on my lesson plans for the new school year when I received a call asking if I was able to go out to dinner with a priest friend.  I said yes, of course, and tried to get as much work done as I could before he came to pick myself and another sister up for dinner.  

I have heard some sisters from other communities say before that they would never be allowed to just go out to dinner... some even have it in their rule.  Not that it's a bad thing to have in your Rule, but it is part of my community's history to be hospitable in this way.  While I was in the novitiate a sister taught us Community History and one large part of that was that when our sisters were missioned to a foreign country they always made sure to be available when priests came, especially priests from their home countries, so that they had someone to talk to in their native language, to enjoy a meal with, and to pray with when they arrived.  It is so lonely to be in another country without a community and so the sisters were encouraged to always be available, even in the middle of the night to rise and make preparations to welcome one of their fathers.

Well, I was delighted with a visit from this very holy and fatherly priest.  So often in our world today priests live alone without much support.  Maybe we could all take the time to pray in gratitude for these holy men who have touched our lives, nourished our souls, and given us the grace to respond to God.  Maybe we could also pray for those men who have felt abandoned, broken, or alone and have left God's service, that they might know God's abundant love and goodness and, if able, return to His service once again.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of your holy priests!  Send us more!  Amen!

Random thoughts

You know what?... I just love being a sister.  I don't know why, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by how awesome it is to be a spouse of Christ and a sister to His people.  Community, ministry, mission, obedience, chastity, poverty... what gifts they are!!  

As I have mentioned before, the summers are frequently chaotic as sisters are going on retreat, offering service in one of our many missions, and getting ready for another year of educational ministry.  Tonight our superior made hot dogs for dinner.  I love hot dogs!  It really is the simple things that make everything worth while.  We enjoyed a lovely dinner together on the porch.  As we shared all our adventures from the day, I felt so blessed to be on this journey with my sisters.

Speaking of adventures.... my adventures were many in number today.  I had to find some of the textbooks for my dear children, fix the showers in the convent, clean my charge, plan my lessons, meet with my superior, and decorate my classroom today.  It was wild.  As I reread everything I have done today I feel energized and excited because all of it was done in love and prayer for my sisters and for God's people.  

Tomorrow another adventure awaits me.  It is the last weekend before school starts and my dear sister - friend is coming to stay over at my convent.  I am going to pick her up and we are going to buy a few things for my classroom before grabbing a cheese steak (I am in Philadelphia :)) and coming back to the convent.  

Please pray for me as I prepare for school to begin!  I will be praying for you!

Chastity

Well, last night someone told me that I was beautiful, but not in the, "oh, you're a young nun, you're so beautiful..." way.  It was more in the way that a man tells a woman that she is beautiful.  It really caught me off guard because I really haven't experienced that in such an obvious way as a religious before.  As a religious I have experienced attractions that come and go but much more subtly.

Anyway, I didn't know what to say and it was super awkward, which I'm sure everyone can appreciate.  That kind of awkwardness, unfortunately, happens to everyone.

It doesn't really matter what was said by this man to me or why or how, although it probably wouldn't have made me think so much about chastity if it had been rude or out of order instead of just a genuine compliment.  What mattered was what happened in my heart after.  I felt so discombobulated and distracted.

I knew that I needed to speak to God about what I was feeling.  I prayed a very distracted compline and then I got into bed while still thinking about this interesting conversation I had just had.  My normal practice when I get in bed at night is to pray my Rosary (my guardian angel finishes it for me every night!).  Nothing spectacular happened except that a peace that transcends all peace relaxed everything in me.  I was so moved by this peace that my deepest desire at that moment was to offer all my mixed and uncomfortable emotions about the night for the salvation and peace of the man who caused them to begin with.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, and I hope it doesn't scandalize at all because I am just speaking candidly of the struggles and daily choices all religious experience and make.  What happened though was what chastity is all about.  I was able in that sacrifice of myself to offer God a soul, to offer Him in prayer this son of His.  What an amazing goodness that can come from a real interior struggle.  I am just filled with awe at God's goodness to bring this man to me and to allow me to hold him in my heart the way that God would.

One time a very special religious told me that love is a commitment.  Commitment is the definition of love.   I am young and am still learning but I feel so clearly that God has won a small battle in my heart and in the heart of the one He brought to me last night.  Love has prevailed.  He is so so so good.

Home

I am home at last in my new convent.  Since my retreat ended I have been running around like a crazy woman trying to get unpacked in the convent and school while figuring out where the soap, broom, milk, and other household items are!  The sisters have been wonderful to me, especially since most of them are new as well!  We have all been lost in the basement more than once since we arrived due to the fact that there are three stairwells in this house.  It makes things quite confusing. 

It is so overwhelming to spend so long packing and preparing to move and then have to undo all of it and put things in order again.  I am so glad to finally have most of my life in some organizational scheme.  School is coming along as well.  I went over yesterday and stayed all day but today I decided to sleep in and go to the 11:30 Mass.  After, I cleaned my charges and did laundry.  However, there is still much to be done.

One of the things I love about convents is that they are old.  I know not all convents are old but a lot of them are... mine is one of them.  Old things frequently need repairs and we have been having a hilarious time trying to figure out what is wrong with more than a few items in and around the house.  One of those items is the internet, which is why I haven't been posting for a while.  Other items include the sewing machine, phone, television, refridgerator, ice maker, carpet cleaner, and almost everything in the basement.  During the day all of the sisters have been going their own ways to fix up their charges and get classrooms ready, but at night in the community room the big discussion is always about the discoveries during the day.  One sister found the key to a door we couldn't open, another found the dust brush, another gave up and bought a new mop (I'm sure in a few months we will find the old one!). 

No matter what there has been much love and laughter as we have banded together in community to get comfortable in our new surroundings. 

Thank God there is still time before school starts because there is still so much to do.  I know He will take care of it though!

Many prayers!

Retreat!

This evening I am going to begin my retreat and I am so excited.  I have a few good books that I can read if I desire, but the best part of retreat is that it is all about what desire God gives me in each moment.  There is no "achieving" in retreat, no "doing."  It is just time to be with the Lord and let Him guide me and bring me to a place of rest and refreshment.  So, please pray for me during these days as I will also be praying for all of you!

God bless!

PS. The visitor was "caught" and released!

Visitors...

Well, yesterday on the feast of St. Alphonsus, all the sisters gathered at the Motherhouse for our annual Convocation.  It is a wonderfully beautiful day where we gather to pray together, share with one another, and be renewed by the words of our General Superior.  Watching my sisters gathered together to celebrate our grace-filled heritage filled my eyes with tears.  However, the most touching moment for me was when we sang St. Alphonsus' O God of Loveliness.  Being daughters of Alphonsus, the words were very touching for us and I was not the only one with a few tears in my eyes.  Here are the words:

O God of loveliness, O Lord of Heaven above,

How worthy to possess my heart’s devoted love.

So sweet Thy countenance, so gracious to behold

That one, one only glance to me were bliss untold.

Thou art blest Three in One, yet undivided still,

Thou art the One alone, whose love my heart can fill.

The heav’ns and earth below were fashioned by Thy Word,

How amiable art Thou, my ever dearest Lord.

To think Thou art my God—O thought forever blest!

My heart has overflowed with joy within my breast.

My soul so full of bliss, is plunged as in a sea,

Deep in the sweet abyss of holy charity.

O Loveliness supreme, and Beauty infinite,

O ever flowing Stream and Ocean of delight,

O Life by which I live, my truest Life above,

To Thee alone I give my undivided love.

After our guests left the Motherhouse and we collapsed after a joy-filled day, everyone wandered back to their rooms to rest.  I awoke to the news of another guest - this one not so pleasant.  I went to get some coffee this morning and there was a note on the white board which is usually reserved for schedule changes.  It said, "BAT ALERT."  

Well... after a busy day of sisters roaming in and out and all over the Motherhouse a bat decided to pay us a visit.  So needless to say, he scared many a sister and is still stalking around here somewhere.  It is a good thing we have some expert bat catchers.  It is a frequent occurrence in the summer for us to find some of these dear creatures making themselves at home in the high ceilings and stone cellars of our beautiful Motherhouse.  Naturally some sisters scream and run when they see them, while others have honed their skills and have become our very own bat catchers.  They have their own nets and systems to find and capture our guests to release them back into the wild.  Hopefully we find this little guy soon and return him to where he belongs.     

Prayer

I have been thinking today of a prayer that I haven't said in a while but was given to me by an older sister before I entered.  The only words I can remember right now are, "in the bounds of thy creation, no one needs thee more than I..."  It's surfacing has given me such a wonderful feeling of being held by God and of the rightness of my life.  It has been a peaceful presence today.

It's amazing how God reaches into the memory to pull out things you forgot you had but He knows you need.  When I find the prayer (which may already be at my new convent... so it could be a few weeks!) I will post it because it was very helpful to me in learning that it is okay to be needy before God.  He knows I am but I always need a reminder.  All of my things that I usually have in my "prayer corner" of my bedroom are in containers waiting for my arrival at my new convent and so I have been a little low on visual reminders of God.  It's a good thing that He lives within me and He continues to call out the reminders I already have.  So, God, come to me because in the bounds of thy creation, no one needs thee more than I!

"We wait for peace, to no avail..."


Life sometimes feels like this, doesn't it?  I always think that the reason I am lacking peace comes from the outside.  Whenever I feel that nagging anxiety rear it's ugly head, the first thing I do is try to figure out what is causing it.  I always come up with wonderfully creative answers; it's the way sister so and so spoke to me this morning, it's stomachache from dinner last night, it's the sister who keeps moving around in front of me and distracting me from prayer, and on and on and on...


Really though, it is always me that causes me to lack peace.  Sure, those outside things are related, but they aren't the root.  The root is that I am waiting for peace from the world, which I will never get.  I'm waiting for peace to come from something I do, something of which I am in control.  There will never be peace in those things.  I know that on an intellectual level but I have spiritual amnesia and every time God teaches me this lesson I forget and have to start over again.


It is scary how far along I can get sometimes without bringing this to Him.  And then it happens... I mess up!  And usually I mess up pretty big.  Then I think, "Peace, what's peace?"  All the sudden it seems futile to continue to try to be holy, to be prayerful, to be charitable because there is no hope.  I depended on me, and I failed.  


That is why God is so good... even though I do this over and over and over again (and it is one of  my greatest faults) He is still there waiting to give the peace that I have been refusing.  This peace always involves a true show of myself to Him and to everyone around me and unfortunately I don't always look my best.  His grace heals all that though and as hard as it is, I get back up and keep on walking.  Each time I hope it won't happen again, but it always does.... I guess I haven't learned humility yet.


But it is a learning process, and only good things come from God so I am convinced that peace will come and God is here.

Missioned

This week I moved some of my things into my new convent home.  It was an adventure as always.  I've been cleaning out and packing since I received my obedience and finally I had most of my stuff sorted and packed.  It was nerve racking making sure I remembered everything.  I was nervous too to meet some of the sisters with whom I'll live.  However, when I arrived at the convent all the sisters helped me bring my things in.  They were so hospitable and warm.  We went first to visit Jesus in our chapel and then I got the whole tour of the convent.  I stayed for evening prayer and dinner as well.  It was so nice to be welcomed in that way and I can't wait to begin a new assignment in that convent home.  For now though there is more to be done and retreat to happen.

That one thing a vocation depends upon...

"There is need of only one thing."

Sometimes I have to ask myself, what is that one thing?  I often catch myself saying, "I just need to get ___ before I can do __."  Most of the time when I am saying that it is because I want to be comfortable.  I want to have everything I need and to use it as I please.  Once in a while it really is just procrastination but usually it is the issue of comfort. 

Many people ask sisters if they have to give up x, y and/or z things in religious life.  It is definitely a valid question because you need to know what you're agreeing to if you choose to enter into religious life.  However, that mentality is discarded in formation and community living as you are challenged and stretched into the attitude of "yes."  

Suddenly the change occurs, sometimes we don't even realize it happening, and we become more selfless.  We stop litigating within ourselves what we will give based on what we think we're going to receive.  When we do revert back to that older way of thinking it shocks us and we think, "Didn't I already get past that?"  

However much we do get past it, original sin makes sure that we are always on our guard against letting it become our primary way of relating.  

Recently, I have been experiencing this more and more as I get ready to go to a new mission. It preoccupies my mind almost all the time, haha, as it would anyone else who is making a big change.  I think, "Oh, if only I had this computer program, I could do the coolest things in school!"  "If I only had a little money to buy this kind of book, I could really teach this."  

This little voice in my head goes on and on and on about all the things that would make my move more simple, school more successful, and convent life more comfortable.  But it isn't supposed to be comfortable.  It needs to be challenging, selfless, life-giving, sacrificial, and above all prayerful.  The one thing needed for this attitude shift is prayer.  God gives to those who rely on Him and that is exactly what I intend on doing.  I know that little voice is going to continue prodding me with wonderful suggestions, but if I give in, there will be more and more and more.  The peace I need, the comfort I desire comes only from Him.  

I'm a blogging disgrace!

Wow, over a month and all silent on the nun front. Actually, while that sounds very holy and relaxing - it isn't true. In fact is that things have been so busy I haven't had a moment to spare to write a thing. So far this summer I've had a lot of exciting things going on; Bible Camp at an inner city school, classes in education, preparation for my new mission, packing, cleaning, and lots of prayer work. By prayer work I mean entering into a deeper time of reflection for myself.

Change is always difficult and exciting and a whole lot of other emotions at once. Religious life is one big adventure and you never know where you will be next which is such an awesome opportunity to meet and serve God's people. I've been thinking a lot lately about the vocation to religious life and identity. Many people ask me at times, is your community liberal... are they conservative, are they traditional... are they progressive? And, I never have an answer because my answer is that we are Catholic religious sisters.

As I've been reflecting on the ability to give of myself completely to others in imitation of Jesus, I have found that there is far too much resting on labels like those above. Although it is true that I act in a more conservative manner and I pray in a more traditional manner; conservative and traditional are not my identity. Being a sister to all is my identity. And it is such a wonderful and life-giving opportunity to let go of comfort zones.

I feel comfortable as a conservative and traditional religious sister; but if I polarize someone by not being able to leave my comfort zone and enter into theirs, how will I ever be able to show them that God loves them and that the Church loves them? I can't tell you how many uncomfortable situations I have been in at times because of this labeling and I continue to try to escape any label other than sister.

I am doing a summer camp right now in the inner city. Many of the kids are not Catholic, and many don't understand what a sister is, except that we really love them and like to have fun with them. Well, yesterday a four year old came over and asked myself and a sister who looks just like me (it really makes things difficult, no one can tell us apart! We're also the same age in religion!) "Are you two sisters?" Sister M. answered right away, "We are Catholic religious sisters but we aren't related, we don't have the same mom." Our dear little angel then offered, "Oh, I get it, you have the same dad," and skipped off on her way. Well, we thought it was hilarious, but it offered for me another opportunity to examine the attitudes I have. I was able to accept her for her lack of understanding and her lack of exposure to sisters.

Now, we didn't continue the conversation there, but it continued in a more subtle way throughout the days we have spent with the children. They see that we love them, that we care about them, that we want them to be happy and safe, and in that they see a sister. They may not be able to put that into sophisticated words but I can tell by the way they hug me and talk to me that they know that I am their family in God.

Now as I get prepared to go out on the mission I hope and pray that this understanding continues to grow so that I can meet all people and work towards bringing us all into the Church together. It is such a gift to be a sister and nothing else to those who need us most. Thank you, Lord.

Formation Fun

Summers in formation in my community have always been times of great excitement, anticipation, joy, and expectation for all the young sisters... and the more mature as well! Everyone looks forward to these days of preparation and anxiety because they mark the continuation of our journeying together closer to Jesus. All of our ceremonies (Reception of the Habit, First Profession, Renewal of Vows, and Final Profession) take place in August, so tomorrow we will be in June and the planning must begin! Countdowns from all levels of formation are also beginning these days! You always hear the "How many more days...?" and "When is the next thing happening...?" during these months!

Postulants are having their habit "fittings." They learn how to hem and care for their habits. By far though the most exciting part for them is the veil. As they slowly get to try on different parts before the big day, the dear sisters see whether they have a good veil haircut! This begins quite a frantic search for the way to wear ones hair. Everyone wants to look nice on Reception Day. The other exciting part for them is their congregational crucifix. Once they find a chain that is the right length (tall sisters need longer chains, shorter need smaller) it goes to the jewelers. We don't have clasps because they usually break. It is just one long chain. All look forward to the day they come back shiny and "new" from the jewelers so that they can "hold it" overnight before it is put back into the habit closet and locked away for the big day!

The canonical novices feed off the excitement of the others because this is their year "off" from celebrations. They go out of their way to make sure that these days are wonderful for the other sisters. However, they are very ready to emerge from their intense year of formation to begin more apostolic work outside of the novitiate.

Senior novices are by far the most excited and nervous! These days mean making vows, but they also mean going out on the mission and teaching. They have both religious preparation to make but also practical preparation for school. Being changed to a new convent with an apostolic assignment is exciting but scary after spending three years in the Motherhouse. The novices love to shop for school supplies and personal supplies that they may need before they leave (Usually after three years, they are in sure need of new slips among other "worn out" "falling apart" items. Shoes are another big item.). While they are excited for their habits, they are already wearing them so the biggest change is the black veil and ring. Every novice longs for the black veil so they can "fit in" with the crowd but also because of its symbolism. They want to say I have given my life to Jesus.

There is usually an evening when, upon entering the community room, the novices are surprised by the "ring box" being open and all the sisters gathered to watch you try them on and see which one fits best and looks the nicest. Stories of receiving rings 25, 50, or 60 years ago abound and the anticipation of wearing one "for good" grows. We recycle our rings and when a sister dies her ring goes back "in the box" for another sister to wear. The same is true of our crucifixes. It is so special to know that another faithful sister wore that ring because of her consecration before you. The rings carry the inscription, "ego te sponsabo" - to You I am espoused. At final profession the rings are engraved with the hearts of Jesus and Mary on the outside. The chosen ring goes to the jewelers to have the hearts buffed off until the day the sister can say her vows "for all my life."

Junior professed are ready to get some summer rest now that a busy school year is over. Trips to help in the retreat house down the shore and working in our nursing home offer some relatively unstructured fun time to be together. When they come to our formation retreat in August, they prepare for renewal of their vows and enjoy some quiet time. They also enjoy watching everyone else get a little wild about the upcoming events! The sisters who will be making final vows have lots to do before the big day but make sure to have lots of fun also!

As these days draw near please pray for all the sisters who will be making these steps. They are fun-filled, exciting, and prayerful days of preparation for the "next step" of our life in an apostolic religious community. God bless!

"The Trial of Benedict XVI"

The time magazine cover and story on Pope Benedict is more than enough of a trial for our dear Holy Father. I am supremely disappointed in the unprofessional and biased journalism in it. I would like to point out a few problems with the article. I have heard others say that anti-Catholicism is the last acceptable prejudice, which I agree, but I think that this article is the most blatant form of anti-Catholicism that I have experienced.

"The crisis facing the church is deeply complicated by the fact that in 1980, as Archbishop of Munich, the future Benedict XVI appears to have mismanaged the assignment of an accused pedophile priest under his charge. "

The first issue I have with this is that we are told in the first line that this is a fact. It is not. Objectively, could this be true? Sure, it could be. But is it true? From what I have heard explained, and I don't have a reference for this, it seems that at the time the accused priest was changed to another assignment, our Holy Father simply approved it as was the custom without knowing anything of the priest's problem. Could he have "managed" this issue better? Maybe, I really don't know. The point is that this "fact" is malicious and without substance.

"Can the Pope, the living embodiment of the ancient Gospel and absolute spiritual leader of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics, publicly atone for his sins and yet preserve the theological impregnability of the papacy?"

Wow, is all I can say. Last night when I was reading this article in the community room with the sisters, they were amazed at how many noises were coming from my seat. This line got a resounding "WHAT!?" I just want to know who told Jeff Israely and Howard Chua-Eoan that the Holy Father is the "living embodiment of the ancient Gospel." I have never heard anyone refer to the Holy Father in this way. Vicar of Christ? Absolutely. But "living embodiement of the ancient Gospel" is just strange.

I also take exception to the idea that the Gospel is ancient. First, from a secular viewpoint, Dinosaurs are ancient. 2,000 years is really nothing in comparison with the whole history of our world. Second, from a faith perspective, the Gospel is alive in all of us and alive in our World.

The next issue I have here is with the "publicly atone for his sins" idea. Our Holy Father has apologized for the Church and I believe in my heart that if he had done something wrong in his handling of this crisis, he would have already asked forgiveness on a personal level. I have no proof of this except for my faith in him.

Lastly, I have a real problem with any "reporter" using the incorrect word for something, for example, calling the apostolic visitation an investigation. It is bad journalism and misleading. So that brings me to the "theological impregnability of the papacy." I think what our dear writers were trying to bring up was papal infallibility. Throughout the rest of the article they make it supremely clear that they have no idea what they are talking about and have done no research in order to understand. Papal infallibility really has nothing to do with this whole situation anyway. If our Holy Father decided to say that pedophilia wasn't a sin as a matter of morals from the Chair of Peter, then we would have an issue with papal infallibility, a BIG issue. However, we all know though that that would never happen because it is wrong!

"In the end, the test is not about doctrine or dogma, not even about the wording of mea culpas and the resignation or prosecution of prelates. It is, rather, about the voices of children finally crying out, long after their childhood."

Finally, they got something right! However, it took them a page and a half to get to it and the victims are not mentioned in the article in a profound way after this! If this is truly what it is about, why not start from there? Because this article does no justice to the victims of sexual abuse. It is a smear campaign against the Holy Father and I am extremely disappointed in Time for using these people, who have already been used for someone else's "gain", for Time's own gain. They should be ashamed.

"For years, offending clerics were, at most, banished to silence and distant monasteries or to therapy or sometimes defrocked for what in civilian cases would have earned the guilty long prison terms."

What they forget is that these men were sent to live a life of penance to atone for their sins. It is a public admittance of guilt whether anyone else understood it to be so or not. Also when many of these terrible crimes occurred, no one in the psychological community even knew how deep a problem it was. People thought they could be "fixed" or "helped".

"In the language of the church, the sacrament of penance involves confession and then a priestly absolution of the sinner. But what kind of penance would a Pope with fingerprints on the controversy have to perform? There lies an intricate theological problem."

In the sacramental sense of penance, yes it does require confession and absolution. "In the language of the Church" however, penance has a much broader meaning. They do have a point though. We as a Church should be doing some penance for what has happened, whether we personally have done anything wrong or not. We are one Body and we are responsible for one another.

However, yet again, the Pope does not have "fingerprints on the controversy." Judging by the haphazard theology Time has used throughout this article it is no wonder that we are now going to have an "intricate theological problem." I can't wait to hear it.

"As the crisis grew in March and went on into April, many in the Vatican worried about the effect it would have on the papal magisterium — the historic, cumulative and majestic authority of the Pope to teach and preach the will of God."

Okay, I have to say, these two really have a wonderful repertoire of adjectives. They are just failing in using them correctly. Historic, cumulative, and majestic authority? I'm just not exactly where they got that from. I'm not disagreeing because I really have no idea what they are trying to get at... if I knew what they were talking about I might disagree.

"Vatican officials are concerned that a mea culpa would diminish the magisterium, which has been integral to the papacy's ability to project power in the world throughout its history, from the humiliation of the Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV at Canossa in the 11th century to the humbling of Soviet power in Poland in the 20th."

Who are these Vatican officials?? I'm not sure I believe they exist outside of the minds of these two "journalists."

Now this is the real clincher. I had to stop reading after this last night because I was getting so riled up! Brace yourself for this one.

"It plays a key role in the doctrine of papal infallibility, which declares that the Pope is never in error when he issues teachings ex cathedra — that is, elucidating dogma from the throne of St. Peter. It is tied up in the traditional prerogatives of that Apostle, to whom was given the power "to bind and loose" in heaven and on earth — in rough terms, the church's ability to open the gates of heaven to you or damn you to hell because it will always be holier than thou."

Do you care to tell me how you really feel about the Church? From the Catechism,

"The Roman Pontiff, head of the college of bishops, enjoys this infallibility in virtue of his office, when, as supreme pastor and teacher of all the faithful—who confirms his brethren in the faith—he proclaims by a definitive act a doctrine pertaining to faith or morals. . . . The infallibility promised to the Church is also present in the body of bishops when, together with Peter's successor, they exercise the supreme Magisterium," above all in an Ecumenical Council. When the Church through its supreme Magisterium proposes a doctrine "for belief as being divinely revealed,"and as the teaching of Christ, the definitions "must be adhered to with the obedience of faith."This infallibility extends as far as the deposit of divine Revelation itself."

Wow, isn't that interesting... nothing about damning anyone to Hell. Nothing about being holier than thou. Cliches really have no place in good journalism anyway.

"Presented with the scenario of a personal apology by the human embodiment of the church, a well-placed Vatican official sighed as he weighed the theological and historical implications. "It's dangerous," he said. "It's dangerous."

Again, who is this well-placed Vatican official? Maybe our Holy Father's cook? I don't know.

"The Catholic Church believes it is Christ's representative on earth, with all the sinlessness and omnipotent authority of its Saviour."

No one in the Church is without sin. The Church, herself, is Christ's sinless Bride. It is a matter of faith but it certainly has been twisted here.

"For some liberals, the crisis over sex abuse is a chance to argue old questions of dogma and discipline once again: for example, to address the necessity of celibacy in the priesthood and the church's vision of sex, to expand the role of women and to define the status of Catholic homosexuals. Others say the authority of the bishops — and the Pope — must now be shared with the faithful."

There are many married men and women who have committed abuse. I think we can drop the whole "celibacy is the cause of sex abuse" line. And it has nothing to do with women or the "status of homosexuals" which is the same as any other lay Catholic. We are all called to live a chaste life!

The last paragraph, in spite of all the other junk in the rest of the article, is actually quite beautiful.

"One vision for the future echoes from the past. A conservative website is circulating a prophecy uttered by a 42-year-old Catholic theologian in 1969, amid the turmoil of that year of radicalism and barricades. The priest envisioned a post-imperial papacy, shorn of wealth and pretenses of earthly power. "From today's crisis, a church will emerge tomorrow that will have lost a great deal," he said on German radio. "She will be small and, to a large extent, will have to start from the beginning. She will no longer be able to fill many of the buildings created in her period of great splendor. Because of the smaller number of her followers, she will lose many of her privileges in society. Contrary to what has happened until now, she will present herself much more as a community of volunteers ... As a small community, she will demand much more from the initiative of each of her members and she will certainly also acknowledge new forms of ministry and will raise up to the priesthood proven Christians who have other jobs ... It will make her poor and a church of the little people ... All this will require time. The process will be slow and painful." The theologian was Joseph Ratzinger. And his vision from 40 years ago may now unfold in ways he could never have imagined."

We may get smaller... but God be praised if we do! Let us suffer this persecution well. Let us pray for our Holy Father, all bishops and priests, and all who have been hurt by anyone within the Church. But most of all, let us stay close to one another and call one another closer to Jesus, the lover of all.

Long Time!

I haven't updated in a while because last week I was on a very nice trip. No, I wasn't on vacation or retreat. I was helping to open our summer retreat house down the shore. Usually we have the internet there but one of the winter storms caused some damage to the computer room and things were not hooked up yet. It was a very relaxing and refreshing week. The sisters cleaned in the morning and then ate a late lunch and then we were off to the beach to enjoy God's creation.

Thank you for praying for my special intention I mentioned in my last post. It took much longer to be resolved than I was hoping for, but all things in God's time! Patience is a virtue I really need to work on. The reason I was requesting prayers was because I am receiving my first official change. In my community this is the season for sisters to be sent to different missions. We are educators so we find out in late May and we move to our new convent and parish communities in August.

I could barely contain my excitement to find out where God would be taking me next in this exciting journey of religious life and so I have felt quite restless these past few weeks. Good hard work down the shore definitely helped relieve some of that! Finally the day came for me to receive my change. After Mass an envelope was handed to me with my name on it. Inside a holy card and a paper saying, "Dear Sister, You are appointed by Holy Obedience..." Many hugs, good wishes, and prayers of thanksgiving later reality set in that I am actually going to be missioned! I am so happy and excited to go to this new home.

Please join me in thanking God for His goodness!

Funeral and Special Intention

Yesterday, I was at a funeral for a relative of one of my sisters when I met a very nice priest. He introduced himself when he saw the sisters because he was taught as a child by our community. One of the first things he said was, "Next week I'm celebrating my 53rd year as a priest... It's a great life." I was so touched. First, our sisters always use that phrase, "it's a great life!" It's true it is! But I've never heard a man say it about any vocation - not because it isn't true but I guess they just don't share in that way. This priest's simple sharing of his joy lifted my heart and made me thank God all the more for the gift of priests in this year for the priest. So my prayers today are for all priests and especially the one I met yesterday.

I also ask if you can hold a very special intention in your prayers this week for me. It is weighing on my heart and my hope is that it will be resolved in God's good time and according to His will.

Many thanks.