Working Together

Last weekend we discussed our community life at our local house meeting.  House meetings can be stressful sometimes, uncomfortable, and really grace-filled moments of peace and love for one another.  This was one of those times.  Identifying our strengths and weaknesses brought out all of those emotions.  Sometimes recognizing the good makes you just as uncomfortable as recognizing the weakness.  What I love about the sisters in this house though was made very obvious by our comments.  Nearly everyone shared, without talking to one another in the beginning, that we appreciated the generosity in our house.  

Working together is one of the greatest bonding moments for us as sisters.  When we work towards a common goal with one another while enjoying each other and sharing thoughts and prayers for success - we become joined together in a really life giving way.  Today was a big fundraiser for our sisters and we worked all week, long hours, after school, in physically taxing conditions and... it was a huge success.  Besides meeting our goals we grew in love, respect, and sisterly affection for one another.  It was a wonderful week!

One of the Best (and most practical) Perks of Being a Sister

There are big changes happening in the diocese in which I live especially as regards Catholic education.  I love Catholic education.  It is my life - my heart and my soul are completely invested in the formation of children in the Catholic tradition and excellence in education.  My dream is that there will be a new springtime of birth in intellect and will in our Catholic schools which calls forth saints of God to serve the Church in this future age.  In order for that to happen we have a lot of work to do in our Catholic schools which has made for some very fun community times as well.

Because my community is one of educators, I have the great gift of being able to call up a "sister" of mine and ask her what's new... what is happening at her school... did she go to the workshop... does she have any new materials... what is she working on.... and this is exactly what is happening in my life right now.  It has been so much fun.  Often people talk about sisters praying together, which is really wonderful... I love praying with my sisters.  But, working together is something that brings us together in a more creative way.

Today I got to connect with a sister who I really respect as an educator and receive information from her on what I was doing and get immediate feedback on my work.  It was great.  I also talked to a friend of mine who is younger and asked her what she was working on.  I also worked with someone I live with but who ministers at a different school - and yet again, another perspective was added to my own.

The other night this sister and I sat down in the community room with all the information both of us had collected about a particular change in the education system in the diocese and we were so excited by the time we put our heads together and came up with something workable.  The excitement, passion, and unity was able to be filled in the air.  It was a wonderful experience in working together.

What a gift it is to have such a proliferation of gifts all working on the same project - what a joy!  what a work!  Thank God we have one another to work with and to build upon.  God, I am just so thankful for each and every one of my sisters; for the intelligent, gifted, passionate, and wonderful women who surround me with their faith, love, prayer, sacrifice, and work.  Thank You!

I had the strangest experience the other night.  As I've mentioned before I love to drive through the city, especially at night when there is no traffic, and I was coming home late the other night and decided to take the "scenic" route.  As I was watching the cars and the lights and the people and reflecting on the very good meeting I was returning from I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God to me.  How, when I look at all these people, have I been so blessed to live and work and have my being in this great God?  How, after all the missteps I should have fallen into, have I become this woman I could not have even imagined five years ago, not for myself and not for anyone else either?  What have I done to deserve the community I love, the apostolate in which I experience redemption, and the intimate relationship with the King?

I know it is nothing I have done but it still boggles my mind... how did I end up here?  I ask this question not in disbelief but in awe of what God can do with so little - with less than anything at all.  When I look at my past and my experiences of life... I should have been a disaster.  There is little to nothing that would indicate that I would ever be a woman religious.  I could never think of a better life and I am humbled that God would want me, that in spite of all my flaws and my sinfulness, He would desire me.

It was a painful transformation into this person I never knew but who is me entirely.  It required facing masks, accepting loss and transition, losing control, surrendering, sacrifice, and being open to a whole other person - the one God always desired me to be but the one that I never was.

Now, I know God's work with me is not done.  The transformation is never complete until eternal life with Him.  But I am, if I might use a strange word, in harmony with my whole self and with God.  There is no wall, no huge contradiction, no mask, no hiding, no compensation - just life with Him and His people.  It is freedom.

Anxiety

I wish I was about to share some words of wisdom and comfort or some spiritual gleaning I've experienced in a time of anxiety; however, I have nothing.  Without going into detail, I've been working myself up over something all weekend.  I have prayed and distracted myself but until I actually act - I'm going to continue to be preoccupied.  I'm a worrier.  I can worry about things a normal person would never even think of.  This time I'm worried about something worth worrying though and I'm having a hard time pushing it out of my mind until I need to think about it.  On a Sunday afternoon though there isn't much to do that distracts me.

I tried writing my lessons for school - and I did - but it was an exercise in concentration and it took painfully long.  I took frequent breaks to look up again and again the same things on the internet trying to find some answers.  I didn't even make my bed I'm so tired from all this worrying.  It all seems ridiculous doesn't it?  But that is the human condition.

At this point I'm not hoping or praying for a positive outcome or good news... I'm praying for an accurate outcome and quick news so that I can get some relief from all this worry.  So, pray for me?  Thanks

Back to School

Well, it's that time again... the most wonderful time of the year according to some parents (and TV advertisements).  It's time for children everywhere to come back to school.  On these beautiful end of summer days, teachers are scrambling around with books, papers, computers... and kids are running around like little crazy people!

The other night all the kids came to school to get their new books and to check their class lists to find out which teacher they have and who is in their class.  I was excited to see them with their too long hair and crazy summer outfits.  I could predict who would show up and who wouldn't have any books until they got to school the first day.  However, I was wrong about one student.

I watched him walk into the hall where we were selling the books and he went to see his class list but before he got there he saw me and ran over.  I was so surprised.  He isn't the type who really cares about school or does any extra work or activities or hangs around when he doesn't need to be there.  Without any thought he came over and hugged me and said he was excited to come back.  I never expected that one!  I touched my heart to see him excited to be back at school.

There was one day last year when a few students, himself included, were stranded by their bus in the snow.  We had a pretend snowball fight in the classroom with some foam balls I was using for a class project.  I think that made them all feel special and important - and I think everything else comes easily from their.

So please pray for me as I prepare to continue with these wonderful children through another year of their formation as strong Catholic young men and women.

Retreat

I got home to my local convent a few days ago after a very long summer.  I had a lot of great experiences and some challenging ones too!  But the best part of summer by far is retreat - a week of vacationing with the Lord.  It was wonderful.  The priest who gave our retreat was so wonderful and we were in a beautiful place.  Our chapel has these enormous windows that look out over beautiful fields and stained glass pieces designed by our sisters hang in the windows.  It is simple and small but a very intimate place to be with the Lord.  It's also private, located in the same area as our bedrooms so it is open to us all night as well as during the day.

One of the things Father asked us to do on retreat was too look over the past year with the Lord - looking through His eyes. That night I tried to think about where God was during my year and I came up with a lot of wonderful places - in my daily prayer, in the Eucharist, in my work, in my community - but I was left feeling anxious and upset.  I kept thinking of all the places where I failed to see or follow Him.  The next day after Mass I made a cup of coffee and went to sit in the community room by myself.  I turned the chair next to me to face me and I closed my eyes and imagined that Jesus was sitting across from me.  Instead of reflecting myself on the year I asked him, "What do you remember about our year together?"  The answer caused me to laugh out loud, to cry, and to smile.  The answer was that He remembered me dancing around my classroom on the weekends changing decorations and grading papers while I listened to music, cleaning out the convent, eating breakfast on the porch with the nuns, being heartbroken about a child's circumstances, hitting the snooze on my alarm, breaking my flashdrive, crying after a bad day in school, shoveling the cars out of the snow with the neighborhood boys, attending basketball and soccer games...

They were the places where I didn't recognize Him immediately but He was with me and in me through them. It amazed me that it was these moments when I was just being myself, just offering myself unconsciously for others, that God was most interested in - not in the times when I was trying very hard.

We have more good in us than we recognize or think sometimes.  I was so touched by His presence in my everyday living that I felt even more compelled to try to give of myself completely but I was motivated by love.  I will try to keep that spirit alive this year.

Shore

Okay, so here I am at our wonderful retreat house down the shore.  I am much less of a stick in the mud than I was last time I wrote.  However, I am still very wanting of my own shower and bed... but there are definitely some perks that my home convent doesn't have.  The beach, the ocean, delicious home cooked meals ready for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, a beautiful chapel with seaside air, and lots of really wonderful nuns from all over coming together to pray and play.

Our mornings include sleeping in - nun style (which really isn't sleeping in to most people, haha), pick-up breakfast and Mass in our convent.  After Mass the sisters who aren't on retreat start doing their charges or their jobs around the house.  Everyone has a job but the sisters on retreat do something simple like cut vegetables while we try to do the things that would be intrusive to their retreat times.  It is nice to be able to help them have a good retreat.  In the afternoons we go down to the beach, swim in the ocean, relax in the air conditioned community room or on the porch overlooking the ocean, or go down to the main drag and look in the little shore shops or buy candy for our home convents.  Then we have prayers and dinner and more time to hang loose.  It is a lovely schedule - I think it's how God meant it to be :).

One set back has been the heat wave which has also been an occasion of unity through suffering.  Everyone is a little bit miserable from the heat so we are all trying to make one another comfortable.  It's been fun hearing everyone's remedies and seeing the kindness of the sisters who's bedrooms get the ocean breeze leaving their doors open so the rest of us can get a little cool air during the night.

Right now I can hear the ocean out my bedroom window and I am excited to sleep when the temperature is less than 90 in my room with the sound of the ocean waves around me.  Tomorrow begins the next retreat so it will be quiet around here and there will be a lot to do around the house - but there will still be that beautiful background of the sea.      

Did summer start yet...?

Well, tonight I called my sister friend who is generously driving me down the shore this week.  On the phone I complained and complained and complained some more until my friend did a really supportive and intelligent thing.  First she asked me why I didn't want to go to the shore... so I listed my reasons.  Number 1 - I am tired of sleeping in other people's beds... I want to sleep in my own.  Number 2 - I want to shower in my own shower without carrying my shampoo and things down a hallway.  Number 3 - I need some time to myself... I'm tired of being social.  After my friend listened to all my reasons she said she understood but I was being negative - she is so honest and reaffirming at the same time.  She never said I was selfish about the shower or that there are people who don't have any bed to sleep in.  She just took me where I was and told me it was going to be a good few weeks down the shore if I could stop being a stick in the mud.

I've been away doing service more this summer and have done more work than I did during the school year.  I just want a few days to relax but I am excited to be down the shore these days.  I'll be working but it will also be relaxing to spend some time in the sun.  It's super hot here but I'm sure I'll survive.  Just say a prayer that tomorrow I can snap into action and stop being such a party pooper.  I want to have fun... I really do, haha.

The other problem that you probably wouldn't guess a nun would have is that I can't fit all my stuff in my bag... I hate packing.  It is the thing I am the worst at.  I think... I might want... I might use... I might need... and I never use those things.  The other problem I have is that I hate the process of packing so much that I just throw stuff in.  It doesn't help.  It is actually quite funny from an outsiders point of view though... you should see me, haha.

So here I am at 10:30 blogging when my bags are unpacked and I'm unprepared to go down the shore.  Jesus help me!  Goodnight friends... and sorry it's been so long!

Community and Confession

This past week has been an insanely busy one... it was especially hard because in my mind I know I should be on some beach somewhere relaxing and enjoying the summer... but instead, I was driving from one workshop to another and only stopping to sleep at my convent.  The rest of the time I was on the road.  I love being busy and I love to go to workshops and to work on different projects with different people.  I like to talk and to share ideas - but by the end of this week I was ready to crash.

On Friday night when I came back to the convent I dropped by bags on the floor of my bedroom and collapsed.  It was like 7 pm and I was out for the night, haha.  The next day I decided instead of going to the parish Mass in the morning I would sleep in and go to a nearby shrine that has confessions and Mass in the afternoon.  It is also a shrine that has significance for my community so it made it that much nicer.

I've been struggling this summer with some personal conflicts with some sisters.  (Yes, we have conflicts and broken relationships and negativity too.)  The basic situation is that I lived with these sisters at a very difficult time in my life and they were less than understanding.  As a result, I made some mistakes.  Because I "knew" that they didn't care - I didn't treat them as if I cared either.  Since then, I tried to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness for what I did wrong and while I have heard the words, "It's okay," the actions do not match that.  It is still being held against me.  Meanwhile, no one has ever apologized to me.

So I'm going to be spending a lot of concentrated time with these sisters this summer and I see the need for reconciliation.  I also know that I've done everything I can do to make that happen.  I see in the big picture of our future that we have to put these silly things behind us - but I think because they are so close with one another they don't see this need in the same way.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it and I was uncomfortable with my attitude towards those sisters and with the way I was feeling.  So when I went to confession I told the priest that I really felt resentful.  I also knew that I was holding onto it, that I was measuring who was "better" and who was "right" and how much I had done to mend these relationships and how little they had.  Of course I was the "better" and "right" one - so I included pride in my confession as well.

So Father was wonderful.  He spoke so passionately about how when these feelings come it is the time to pray and that's all there is to it!  There is no past, we live in the present and though the past colors it we have the gift as children of God of freedom.  So regardless of how my sisters choose to use their freedom, I have dedicated mine to living a particular way in the present and I will continue to try to reconcile.  I pray that they do the same and I know that they are trying to live the best that they can at this moment.  I have to remember that even if they don't put value on our relationship as sisters - they are putting value on something that is maybe more important right now.  We are all working on love - for God, for people, for community, for prayer - and somehow I'm sure it will all come together.      

Summer - Part II

Okay - so other than the cleaning and fun times - there are other wonderful things about summer vacation.  Although I am starting to miss the kids I am still reveling in the freedom from lessons, meetings, papers, grades and discipline.  I am also enjoying the great fun of connecting with lovely sisters who I haven't seen all year, who are my friends, who are visiting from far away, who are working with my on summer assignments... the list goes on and on...

This week only myself and another sister are home and a sister from far away came to stay with us and it has been lovely having her here.  Next week I have workshops for school in the morning and then I'm helping a sister friend with her job in the afternoons.  I'm sure it will be lovely and renewing.  It is just so nice to have a break from the school schedule of things.  Next week I have to wake up early each day and I'm dreading it because I have so loved this week of "later days"... meaning Mass at 8... another wonderful summer attribute.

I'm just so happy to be spending time with the sisters telling stories, laughing, playing around, working together and just enjoying one another.  Community is difficult sometimes but it is also such a great gift... Thank you Lord for my sisters... even the most difficult of them.

Summer and Cleaning

I've tried to write like ten times on the topic of summer - but it is just so wonderful I haven't been able to put it into words.  The feeling of my aching muscles after a day of manual labor, the late night chats with the sisters, the leisurely meals, quiet times of prayer, and laughter throughout the day... it's just great.  In these first three days without lesson plans, tests, copiers, paperwork, school books, papers, grades, and students I have enjoyed myself immensely.

All year I've been formulating plans for what I would do once this wonderful, free summertime came.  I have quite a few projects keeping me busy in the house... in fact, I've been cleaning since Monday.

The convent I'm living in now was "abandoned" so to speak for quite some time and there are a lot of places with hidden problems and tons of dust.  The other problem is that this convent was built for 20 plus sisters... currently it houses 5.  Of the five, only 2 are able to really keep up with the necessary work to keep the house in good working order.  You can imagine how much there is to do in an enormous convent like this for the youngest sister.  But I am happy to do it - and it is good for me to do something more physical than mental for a change of pace.  It is liberating to wipe all that dust away, move furniture, reassign towels and sheets to their rightful homes... it feels like a new beginning.  Plus - someone else cooks so I can work!

I feel so happy about how well this year has gone and yet there are things I've let go a little too long that I need to take care of in my personal life.  I must clean out that stuff too while I'm doing it for real in the house.  Tomorrow I'm going to take a very big step in cleaning out and sorting through some of my personal "stuff" on the inside and I ask your prayers for this meeting.  It will be difficult but I know good will come from it and that peace will follow whatever transpires.

School - Graduation

Tonight some of my kids graduated from grade school.  I am heartbroken.  I mean - I am so happy for them but at the same time it is a loss for me.  Teaching is so much a part of my heart that each child I meet becomes my own.  I have the blessing of listening to and sharing in their desires, thoughts, mistakes, dreams, and everyday life.  I will miss each of them as a unique expression of God's love in my life.

As this week went on I spoke to many of the kids individually about how special they are and how many gifts they have to offer God with the gift of their lives - how much I needed them to do that for the future of the Church and our world.  I'm just so proud of them and I can see all the grace and all the gifts that God has just filled them with - with the intention of them becoming great saints.  I told two of them I thought they had vocations.

Tonight was a happy one, in spite of my heartache, and after Mass we were celebrating with pictures and hugs and congrats outside Church.  I could tell one of the dads wanted to talk to me as he came over and I was in the middle of teasing a few of my dear "little ones" (who are in reality quite big!).  I went over as soon as they "freed" me from our fun and I was surprised by "dad's" interaction with me.  I love this family but I don't really have any special relationship with them.  They have a lovely son and are just all around good people.  But tonight, Dad hugged me and thanked me and I could see in his eyes that there was something he wanted to say - but he didn't say it, whatever it was.  I probably won't know what it is that was obviously important to him.

You can never know what you do for others and how much it is just a gift from God.  I wish Dad could have told me what it was he was thankful for... but maybe in God's plan for me it's better I don't know.  What I do know is that my heart is really touched by the beauty of God's plan for my life this year with each person I've encountered.  I'm happy that I've been able to tell them how much I love them, about how they show me God, about how proud I am of them.  It's hard to tell anyone that they are important to you but I feel good knowing that they know how much I care about them.        

Envy... Holy Envy... I don't know...

I envy families.  A lot!  I've talked briefly about my own family before here but not as the actual topic of a post.  Tonight it is.  It's hard for me to write about but I think it is important too.  I've felt in religious life quite often that I don't quite belong because of my family history.  Most of the sisters with whom I live and work view family in a very different way than I do.  I should say, they view their own family's differently than I do.  I think we have the same objective value of the family but our experiences are so different.  A lot of sisters I live with can't imagine not being devoted to their parents.  They can't imagine not thinking that their parents are saints in heaven... that they gave them their vocations.

Then, on the other hand, is me.  My family is broken.  I hate the way it sounds but it is the truth.  Throughout everything that has happened and everything I don't understand still - I never thought that it would all come together like it has now in my life.  God alone knew that that suffering I had to endure would prepare me to be the bearer of immense grace toward others.

I think the hardest thing about having such a dysfunctional family is the not-knowing.  As the child, no matter the age, you can never fully understand the effect of, the sequence of, and the cause of the events which forever change your world view and your understanding of life and then somehow you must pick up the pieces.  For someone as logical as I am - walking around with such doubts and insecurities is very difficult.  Every day I remember something new that didn't click when everything was "under the rug."  But now that my parents are divorced it sheds a new light on all the experiences I've had.  I wish I could understand all of them but I know that there is no way for me to do so... so I must live with the unknowing.

Anyway... now it serves me well.  The pain is still there and the discomfort is still raw... I imagine it will stay that way.  However... most of my students have this same experience and I offer it for them.  I share it with them.  My co-workers share this pain with me and they come to me with their experiences of family strife because I understand... and I think it is a sad gift now that I have been given.

There is certainly a reward in seeing the heart animate a face which has found understanding in another person's heart.  God is good in providing these loving moments of solidarity with one another to give the love that was lacking in other ways.  Blessings are always around.

Generosity and Gentlemen

I think it is really interesting being a young religious in a church that is aging in the United States.  I mean really... I'm the only person at Sunday Mass who doesn't have white hair at this point.  I know its different in other areas but where I am the truth is that I'm alone as a young person.  Which is why some socially Catholic things - if I might call them that- surprise me all the time!  Most often I'm surprised by manners and the generosity of others.

For example, last night I was at a function in the parish hall for a family.  Now my superior always worries when I'm out late because the neighborhood is kinda crazy - but I'm in my twenties - I'm kind of fearless.  I always say they should be worried about the other guy!  So as it hit quarter after 10, I started to say my goodbyes and go back to the convent.  Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised by this at all, but one of the dads walked me home.  I felt like I was some crippled old  nun, haha!  However, although it made me feel old which I hate, I liked that someone took the time to make sure that I got home safely.  It was a nice gesture.  I started thinking about my life before religious life and I don't think there were many men around who thought to care for the safety of a woman going home at night.  That's just one example though - when I'm taking the trash out the guys from AA run to the door to grab the bag for me before I step out, parishioners offer me rides when I'm out for a walk, people try to carry my bags for me, when I buy the soda and water the coaches come out from practice and bring it in the convent.

No, I'm not trying to highlight the perks of entering religious life (although it's a great life!) - I'm just surprised coming from our modern culture of equality between the sexes which has resulted in a loss of courteous behavior that some people still do these small acts of kindness.  I try all the time to instill in my boys in school those kinds of behaviors but it doesn't come naturally to them.  Even though their dads are a good example to them, they think it's old fashioned.  It is - but who is to say it's wrong - I say bring it back!  They are just getting the hang of it and they love to be complimented when they do the right thing.  Unfortunately, they now fight over holding the doors for me - but they'll stop beating each other up eventually... maybe when they are 30...40??.

Then there is the generosity of others.  I have had a tough week as far as generosity goes.  A priest I know gave me twenty dollars for helping him with something - I felt terrible and I tried to tell him I didn't need any money - but he made me take it.  So, I thought, I'll use this for the fundraiser the parish is having so it will go to charity.  When I got to the parish event - someone else paid for my ticket.  Then people paid for tickets to put my name in the raffle drawings.  So not only had I not given my charitable offering - I had actually gained in winnings.

What's a nun to do when she can't get rid of money??  I have a few other ideas but I'm hoping I don't get foiled... one of them is a nice treat for the kids.  We'll see if they deserve it after these last days of school, haha.  Either way - here I am - stuck between these two foreign cultures coexisting.  Sometimes, like today, they bang together.  I was at Walmart and I was standing in line watching the cashier watching me.  He was young and I saw him staring at me while he was ringing up the customer in front of me.  When he rang up my purchase he gave me my receipt and change and patted my hand and said, "God bless you, Sister."  Then he turned his light off for his break and offered to take my one bag to the car for me - on his break.  I talked him out of it but it was unbelievable.  Men never treated me so nicely when I was available and now that I'm not I'm continually surprised.  I think there is merit in religious life just for the culture and for society in general.  It isn't about me but somehow a religious inspires thoughtfulness and generosity and I think the visibility of religious is a leaven for a society which is becoming increasingly self-centered.

So there you have it, generosity and gentlemen in religious life.  I hope they are trends that continue!

Good Days

I've been really down the past few weeks.  I was nurturing some bad habits and some big time pride and it all caught up with me last weekend.  Basically, it was terrible.  I felt like a fool and God and I had a really big talk about how dumb I had been.  It wasn't like He was telling me with some big club held over my head - but I knew it in my heart with a very honest self-knowledge - the kind I rarely feel.  It's like I know how wonderfully made I am and how far I have fallen or cheapened God's gift to me.  I know His mercy is there right away - it certainly isn't a despairing moment - just one of truth.  There are no excuses, no questions... just an almost emotionless desire to end the habit or thought because of God.  I'm glad this time He didn't give me feelings of extreme joy, or desire for Him.  He instead gave me the grace in the moment to see truth and decide my response to it.

So here I am, tentatively and reflectively attempting to renew and rebuild!  It feels good to do some of this "spring cleaning" of my life and soul.  Since the soul stuff went so well - I decided to spring clean in the house and my classroom today too!  To me, cleaning is one of the most relaxing things I could possibly do.  I just love to clean.  When I say clean - I mean ceiling to floor scrub - not dusting and putting things away.  I'm talking serious cleaning.  It was great!

Now I'm in crunch time for the end of the year and I feel renewed to pack up my classroom and get ready for some busy summer adventures.  I'll keep updating!

The source of my annoyance - Napkins

Is there anything that really riles you up?  I get pretty intense about a few things but there is one that I am absolutely irrational about.  It doesn't even make sense to get mad about but I do! I think everyone has these things and I'm sure there is something that I do that makes other people, particularly the nuns, crazy!

You see, there is a sister in my house who is older and she is lovely - all the time.  She is a joy to live with.  She does a harmless and meaningless thing that drives me insane though.  It's ridiculous but I'm going to tell you anyway... after she eats - she puts paper napkins on all the place mats around the table.  I know - how could that make me angry?

The thing is I'm 20 -something years old.  I live in a world where everything is efficient.  It all serves a purpose and it is done in a methodical and practical way.  I've never lived any other way.  Anything less can be infuriating!  It just so happens that the two rooms in our house where we eat are both my charges.  So, these napkins are everywhere and before I clean the table I have to pick up all these napkins.  Sometimes they are even underneath the place mats.  It makes me wild... not with her... but just with the impracticality of the whole thing.

You would think, "oh, its a small thing... get over it."  And that is what I say to myself most of the time too... but it still bothers me.  Everyday when I clean it I cringe because it bothers me.  I am so tempted to throw all the napkins away or not put them back or tell her to stop putting them everywhere...  However, through the grace of God I am able to resist that temptation and in extreme discomfort, I put those carefully placed napkins right back where they were before I cleaned.

Community life is made of things like this.  I know that there are things that people do for me that are nice that I don't even know about or that they don't think I know about.  One time when I was sick, my superior cleaned my charge... she didn't tell me but I felt terrible about it.  She was taking care of me.  Sometimes I'll go down to the laundry and find my wash folded for me.  The sister who folded my laundry might have been thinking, "She can't just come get her own laundry!  Why isn't she folding this laundry!?"  We all lose our patience with one another but the struggle is to treat one another with charity and grace through it all.  It's a sure way to the heart of Jesus to love one another in close quarters and in a radical way.

 

Confession and Contrition

I almost always pray for more contrition when I'm going to confession - I just don't feel bad enough sometimes.  Maybe because I didn't grow up Catholic I'm missing a guilt gene or something.  I've definitely assimilated - ask my students, I work to instill a healthy guilt in them - but maybe it's still not deep enough.

On Saturday, I knew I only had a small window of time before judgment began at 6 to go to Confession and be ready to meet my Creator (just kidding - but I did think it was funny I was going to Confession right before the world was about to end!).  So I drove down to the next parish and waited my turn.

As I was waiting in line for Confession, I felt so lukewarm.  It was like I was in line at the grocery store or something.  I realized how I felt and I was disappointed in myself for being so casual about approaching the sacrament but somehow I still couldn't muster up much feeling for it.  So I just said to God, I know you want me here... I want to be here if not in my heart definitely in my will, so You need to bring whatever else I'm lacking.

Once I got into the confessional I waited a long time.  Father was taking his time with the penitent on the other side so it was me, the plastic-y kneeler, and the crucifix.  I felt a stillness inside, still no desire or feeling, but a prayerful stillness.

When I began confessing my sins I was amazed at how much feeling came into the words as I spoke them and how my heart opened up to share the deepest desires, fears, values and thoughts that motivate my actions.  It all came with more sincerity and honesty rather than as a laundry list of problems.  When Father began speaking I felt like I was talking to Christ.  I could see Father's face through the screen and I really saw Jesus speaking with me very gently while still full of wisdom and insights calling me to be better.  

It was such a blessed confession.  I always hold on to my crucifix as I pray my act of contrition and kiss it at the end of confession as I do each day when I put it on in the morning and take it off at night.  I felt very close to Christ in those moments.  I'm still pondering everything now because I don't think I have reached the depths yet of the experience.  I'm certainly grateful to God, and to Father, for the gift of the sacrament.

Freedom

Today I had a great experience of freedom.  Sometimes I watch the kids running like wild people at recess and I think - wow - that must be so much fun! haha.  Sometimes I play a little bit too!

After school today I went to the store to do some of the food shopping for the convent.  When I had paid and was on my way outside the sky just opened up and poured.  It was beautiful but everything was getting wet and I was rushing to try to get everything into the trunk of the car.  As I was getting a workout with my groceries I was hit with this great feeling of freedom.  My veil and habit were soaking wet, I was alone, and the rain was so beautiful - it was great!  At first I was thinking oh no I'm soaked right through, my shoes are getting messed up, my hair is totally wet... and then all my cares just melted away and it was freedom.

When I got back to the convent it was still pouring so I got to do it all over again!  After that I went in to prayers and dinner with the nuns.  I was so tired and I had a tough day in school - good but challenging - and I was ready to go right to sleep... My superior knew this had been a crazy week for me so she left a candy bar in my room as a little treat.  I felt like a kid... in a good way.  I felt like I had gone out to play, been taken care of, and was being sent off to bed for the night.  It was refreshing and comforting.

I don't usually relate well to the whole child of God thing, probably because my own childhood was so tumultuous, but today I felt very much cared for as a dear daughter of His and I am very grateful for that blessing.

Corrections

I hate this word - correction... I just honestly hate it.  Sometimes I try to act like I don't hate it.  Sometimes I try to convince myself that it is a growth in holiness to be corrected.  Maybe it is... however; it still stinks!

I don't know if I was corrected tonight but I felt like I was.  Either it was a helpful suggestion or a downright correction... I'm not sure.  Either way, my ego didn't like it.  Not at all.  I had some really high hopes for a little meeting I had today with a Sister but no matter how many compliments or applauds I get... those corrections stay with me and ruin it all.  Maybe I'm terrible at humility.  Maybe I have no virtuous motives.  Maybe all I care about is looking good to other people.  I don't know... but I do know that I hate to be corrected.

I know in faith that it is good for me.  I also know that I value deeply in community the fact that we are able to share with one another... sometimes it hurts.  Sharing with one another requires that I be able to admit my shortcomings, accept constructive criticism, share my desires and hopes, and think of Christ and His Church before I think of my own interests.  Community demands that I be able to both value myself and put myself, good and worthwhile, as last instead of first.

I think I might be praying about this struggle a lot in these next few  weeks and as the summer months give me more time with myself and with God in prayer.  Thanks be to God!  I hope that He enlightens me with peace and growth.

Family and Religious Life

I'm really only close with one member of my family - my brother.  I love my brother a lot.  He is my only other sibling and he understands me very well... and he's not Catholic.  He loves having a sister who is a nun.  I don't exactly know why, but I do know that we bonded very well when we both made life altering commitments against the desires of our parents about a month apart... we really threw them for a loop!  My brother went into the service a month before I entered the convent... it was not taken very well.

Today I went to a meeting at my community's motherhouse and then met up with my family who lives nearby.  I'm always happy to see them but I'm also always more aware when I leave the gathering of how different my life is from theirs.  Some of my family is Catholic... most are nonpracticing but it certainly makes for an interesting gathering when the nun shows up.  Today was mostly good.  It's hard to explain my life to people who have no concept of convent, apostolate, community life, living a Rule, vows... all of it!  They just seem like outsiders to me sometimes and I hate that.

It isn't that I don't love them... it's more like we live on two different planes.  And then when it comes to my parents - it's a whole other ball game.  I know... it's hard to imagine... but nuns come from broken homes too - myself included.   It's certainly more difficult but here I am and I just hope and pray that God accepts the carrying of that cross as an act of love for Him.