Future

So often as a young woman religious I think of the future of religious life.  What will it look like if we can't live next door to the parish school?  What if there is no parish school?  What if there are no priests to say Mass for us?  What if we live in a faithless world?  Will we fail to persevere?  Will we be faithful to what our sisters have left us?  Will the Church still want us?  How will we take care of our elderly sisters?  How will we serve God's people?... When will we sleep while were doing all of this???  :)

It is overwhelming and humbling.  I have no answer to any of the questions above because they aren't happening yet.  Right now, my job is to grow into the religious woman God has called me to be and all I need to do is stay focused on that one thing.  Prayer, community, and ministry will all come together the way He has planned in each moment.  I truly believe that what is happening to us through closures, financial problems, and lack of vocations are God pruning us and preparing us for a future that He has in mind, not the future we've been thinking of.

That's what makes me sure it will be wonderful, it is His and not mine!

Pray for us that we follow His will!

How do you know?

The top most asked question of high school girls about vocations is, "How do you know?"  I answered quite a few of those questions this weekend at a retreat for young women discerning religious life.  However, I also received a question that I've never been asked before, "What if it is all a waste... what if God isn't real and you've wasted your life for no reason?"

I guess people have eluded to that question at times and I've answered that I'm happy in my life and I'm doing good so it really isn't a waste... at least it isn't a waste any more or less than anyone else's life in those circumstances.  However I answered a little differently this time around.

So far, what I've come up with is more of a conviction than an answer.  Intellectually speaking, sure, it could all be a mistake.  God could not be real, He could not exist.  I'm not going to argue the possibility, although I know there are wonderful theological proofs!  My answer is that I love Him enough to take the chance.  I'm willing to lay down my life for the very possibility that the love of Christ exists.  Let's be honest, as human beings sometimes belief seems to be more about how we feel than what we know.  I've decided to commit myself to the hope of Christ's love whether I feel it or not.

There are many times when I don't feel it.  There are a lot of times it doesn't all make sense and yet again I remember that I made vows to that which I know only by faith.  I pray that God continues to bless me with that gift and that He continues to call out generous, self-sacrificing women to carry that gift as well.    

Confirmation

My kids are preparing to receive Confirmation this fall and I'm starting to get nervous.  Basically, I had three months to prepare them for this wonderful sacrament but there are so many things I feel like I haven't even gotten to yet.  It is such a responsibility and I frequently find myself feeling overwhelmed by everything I want to share with them.  However, a little victory this week made all the stress and rush of it seem worth it.

The students were writing their letters to the bishop who is going to confirm them and as they wrote their rough drafts they asked me to read them before they wrote them on the paper with the school seal on it.  As I read each of their letters I was so touched by their words to the bishop and I realized a) that they really do listen when I talk to them and b) that they really do care about their faith.  The most beautiful of the letters was one by one of my boys.  He wrote that he was choosing the name Joseph because "Joseph took care of Mary and Jesus and I admire him for that."  No matter what I do, God has obviously touched his heart and brought him to that beautiful desire to be like the foster father and mother of God.  We had first Friday Mass today as a school community and all of them were their beautiful selves but as I watched their faces and their movements I was so proud to be their teacher.

At Mass, Father spoke about praying for vocations to the priesthood and religious life and as I looked at my boys and girls I remembered what a student said to me when I was giving a vocation talk one time.  She asked, "Sister, can you tell when you look at us?"  My answer was, "yes."  It is amazing the look in a child's eyes when it dawns on them that a) it could be possible that God is calling them, and that b) they feel something that they haven't noticed before.  Well, we were talking about the will of God when one of my dear boys stated that it must have been the will of God that our classroom pet died.  (Nothing is theologically sophisticated with sixth graders.)  It was off-topic and meant to throw me off onto something "more interesting." (I know their game :) )  Anyway, I responded by asking this child if he was asking God what His will was for him.  He answered, not to be a priest sister... don't even try!  Now, he is a sweet heart so it wasn't meant as a dig.  But my answer was, "You said it, not me!"

Tomorrow I will be part of a vocation day for my community.  I'm excited to be able to offer my Saturday (which I love because it is great to catch up on schoolwork) for potential vocations to the religious life.  It's a great life!!  Please pray that God's will be made known to the young women who will be joining the sisters for a day of prayer and discernment.  Lord, grant us more vocations!

TGIF

This has been such a great weekend for me.  It was even better because my principal gave us off from having a formal plan this week and I got to hang with a nun friend (without having to worry about school!).

I started my Friday night with 2 hours of soccer games in the freezing cold.  All my kids play soccer and when they invite me I just can't say no so I worked after school and then drove over to the fields to watch the girls lose and the boys win.  It didn't matter though... they really don't care.  They just love to have fun.  

On Saturday I went and picked up my sister friend.  We went to visit some of our sisters at our infirmary and then went to a vigil Mass on our way back to my convent and to dinner.  I didn't realize that we were dressed in our habits and it was the night before Halloween so we had quite the interesting reception at dinner.  On Sunday we ran errands and just hung out which was really nice.  There aren't a million young sisters out there so when you have the time and opportunity to just spend time together it really helps.  We can talk about the struggles of juggling community life, apostolate, and prayer and just enjoy one another's company.  

So, tomorrow I still won't have my little saints at school, but I will be back.  There is still too much to do before I get there though!  Goodnight!       

Charity

How do you live the Gospel with seventh graders?  Well... I have no idea but here I am learning anew each day. First I want to say that I love my kids with all my heart.  I am so grateful to God for each and every one of them.  I'm grateful for the quiet ones, the loud ones, the obnoxious ones, the intelligent ones, the struggling ones... and the ones that drive me insane.

Needless to say.... when you have all those special "ones" in your life, you are in for a surprise around every corner!  I can't believe sometimes how much of my life I spend as a relationship counselor.  Yes, I am a science teacher but the back of my classroom doubles as a romance advice booth.  I don't know what it is about me but something says, tell me your boy and girl troubles!

It is really humbling for me to have my boys and girls confide in me and ask me for advice and acceptance as they try to navigate these difficult years.  Recently there has been an influx of these problems.  It continues to amaze me that they come in and want to talk to me about boyfriends, girlfriends, parent problems, and a whole host of other issues.  One such incident really touched me recently.  One of my boys, who is quite a ladies man, came to talk to me yesterday.  You would think that a seventh grade boy wouldn't want love advice from his nun science teacher but... think again.  The touching thing about it is that as I watch them grow I see all the characteristics of responsible, loving, and holy men and women.  They want to do the right thing, but they don't know what it is.  The boys want to be gentlemen.  The girls want to be beautiful but not in the way the world tells them they should be.

What I have realized is that I'm in a unique position as a religious woman to guide them.  They really see me as their sister and because of that they feel able to interact with me in a way that is different than their parents, other teachers, and other students.  Practically speaking, the boys carry things for me whenever they can, run errands for me, ask me to come to their sports events, and open doors like it's their job.  They actually notice when I get my hair cut out the front of my veil (I know... I can't believe it either).  They feel like they can because I'm their sister.  It's the same reason they feel like they can tell me all their girl, family, relationship, and sports problems.

The girls see how they treat me and they realize that they should always be treated with the same respect and with charity.  They come to me and ask me millions of questions about all the same things because they know I'll hold all their tough tween stuff in my heart.  And they are right... I do!

I'm always tempted (without ever giving in) to pray out loud during lauds and vespers at our intercessions, "for Gina's broken heart," or  "for Tommy's mom and dad," or "for Brandon's breakup."  Instead, I hold them in my heart like God intended me to do and I offer my acts of charity and counseling for them.

Basically... it is tough being in seventh grade.  I love them though... my little brothers and sisters, and I'll do anything to help them and guide them to be their best, holiest, truest selves.  God help me... it certainly gets confusing!

Please pray for all our kids!  

Expecting More

I haven't written in a while because my life has gone crazy over these past few weeks with progress reports going out and many community events taking place.  All good things but still things that require more energy than any one person can have.

I have found myself these days expecting more; of myself, of my sisters, my students, my fellow teachers, and basically of everyone I meet.  I have this problem of being a perfectionist and I never think I'm being hard on other people, even when I am, because anything I criticize about someone else is just a fraction of the criticism I give myself all the time.  It is definitely a problem and definitely a sin.  I know all of this in my head but my heart gets all caught up with the "should have" statements of my life.  I don't trust God enough to know that He will always take care of me and that my worth is dependent upon Him... not me.

Today I found myself confronted in a big way with this attitude.  In an email from a parent I felt that I was being accused of not doing what I should be doing because her son didn't bring home a certain paper.  It really wasn't a big deal but right away I felt defensive after a long and exhausting week.  I just wanted to say, "Your son is the reason you didn't get the paper... not me."  Now I would never say that but I was still going through this imaginary conversation with myself in my head.  While I was getting all steamed up about it I realized how ridiculous I was being.  I don't serve mom and dad.  I'm a teacher.  I serve children and families.

As I was thinking about how unfair it was that she was blaming me for something her son lost or forgot or blew up like sixth grade boys always do, I realized that there must be a reason God had this plan in store for me.  Because I'm new in this parish, convent, and school I don't get all the background sometimes right away on all the students.

One of the sisters in the house commented, without knowing about the email or anything else, that this student gets hit when he does something wrong.  Well, I felt terrible then that I ever wanted to say it was his fault and I realized how providential it was that God would have mom assume it was my fault and be angry with me.  If I really believe in dedicating myself to God's most abandoned poor it is going to cost me.  For me the hardest cost to pay is that of being insecure and of allowing myself to mean less than someone else.  I wish I were more confident but I'm not.  It bothers me when I think that others think of me as incapable or not good enough.  I care too much about what people think of me.  However, here is an opportunity for me to allow God to love me as I am and allow myself to be hurt instead of one of His little ones.

I still don't know what I'm going to email back, but I know it won't be that her son is the problem.  Because he isn't the problem.  He is a normal, forgetful and irresponsible, sixth grade boy.  I am a sister to all so why shouldn't I share in the sufferings of all?  And that is my answer.  I should.  So, if I say I'm willing to sacrifice, how much better is it for her to be angry with me than for him to get smacked around for forgetting a paper?  I am certain it is the better way.

So now I'm still expecting more from myself but I'm also expecting it all to come from God.  Lord, help me to sacrifice my own self confidence, capability, and reputation for the good of Your little ones and for the coming of Your Kingdom.  Amen.

Science Class

Today, I went to Shop and Save to get some materials for my science class experiment.  I had to get, among other things, some carrots.  While I was waiting in line the woman behind me was talking to me and asked me if I was cooking for the nuns tonight.  When I told her it was for a science experiment she definitely thought I was crazy.  But I explained to her that I teach science and she was thrilled.  

I love that I'm a sister who teaches science.  I teach my homeroom's religion and I love teaching religion.  I went to school and studied theology but here I am.  What is so awesome about being a sister who teaches science to middle schoolers is that my kids know that when I'm not with them, I actually do something other than pray on my knees for them (although I do that too!)  They realize when I'm excited that I have other interests that don't take away from my vocation in any way but add to my faith and science is one of those things.

When I got changed, I cannot even tell you how excited I was to be teaching science.  It gives me such an opportunity to infuse faith and practical real life situations for students who are at the perfect point for molding into dedicated and faithful Catholic Christians.  These kids are asking all the right questions; "How could the big bang happen if Adam and Eve happened?" "Why is sex before marriage wrong?" "What about stem cell research?" "Why are people poor?" "Why is there war?"  It all goes back to science and ties in with everything that they want to know. They want to know that God created everything, that scripture is telling the truth, just maybe without historical accuracy.  They want to know that God created their body in a good and loving way to mirror how much He loves them.  They want to hear that their life is special and cannot be thrown away and cannot be replicated.  They want to know why there is greed over resources and places that causes the meek and humble to be hurt.  They want to know that death is not the end of everything and that the way we live really matters.

At the same time, aside from all the big questions of life, we have a lot of fun.  They are still kids and they want to know; "Why do people have the hiccups?" "How do the waves get bigger when we are down the shore in the summer?" "Can we blow up a.... (The boys always want to blow something up - the answer is always no.)?"

Basically, I love everything about it.  I feel like I get paid... no wait, that doesn't happen... to laugh all day!  And I love them.  Our kids need to know that we love them, in school, in the parish, at Mass when they are being obnoxious, or when they are serving with reverence, and at home.  God is love.  Let's show them Him.

Daily Vow Renewal

I wrote the other day about renewing my vows each day in my heart at Mass.  Usually I do this after I receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  Someone asked what words we use to renew our vows.  The renewal formula is a shortened version of what we say at first and final profession but it still holds all the meaning of the longer formula.  Here are the words:

Almighty and Eternal God, I, Sister M. ____________, 

renew and confirm with all my heart

 the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience 

which I made at my profession; 

and I implore your grace to accomplish them perfectly.  

Amen.

Sometimes I forget how touching these words are after saying them each day, however, there is a great and mighty grace and responsibility that comes with those words.  I  renew and confirm with all my heart that I have given my whole self to Him who is the One, the Beginning and the End, the Savior of the World, the Most Powerful, the Creator of the Universe.  And here I am, sinful, small, nothing, and I make a promise, a sacred bond with Him.  My desire to give of myself still isn't enough though.  To fulfill that desire, which He placed in my heart, I need His help.  It really is strange when you think about it, that you want to accomplish this for God but you need His help to accomplish it... for Him!  It's like asking someone to buy their own birthday present and then write "from me" on the card.  

I think it must be very much like the life of the Trinity, the constant flow of love and grace from one to another without end.  You can't even trace it because that grace and love becomes so much a part of each person that there is no beginning or end to it's movement and power.  God is so good to give this gift of vocation.  The vows are such an amazing grace.  Some days I wonder, "who thought I could do this?!, How could I have ever been permitted to take on this responsibility?"  And the truth is that I cannot do it!  Only God can.  Young women tell me all the time that they "could never do that!"  And I always say, you are absolutely right, you can't, but He can if you respond to His call of love.

God, grant us more vocations to love you and witness to your plan of Salvation!  Amen. 

Nightmares

I always have really vivid dreams.  Lots of color, imagery, movement and I almost always remember them.  However, I haven't had many great nights of sleep this week.

It all began on Sunday night with the school alarm going off in the middle of the night.  I had to get dressed and go out there to see what happened before I could go back to bed. I'm also very clumsy and the night ended with an alcoholic beverage spilling all over me... I know, its wild.  I had to take a second shower before I went back to bed because I smelled like this disgusting drink that was left on the school steps by whoever was trying to break in.

Anyway, back to the dream.  This morning we all slept in because we had Mass today with the kids in school so I woke up a little later than I normally do.  In my dream, I was running through a desert and I was afraid.  When I woke up I was all out of sorts.

At school, I wished I was running through a desert... my kids were off the wall, my room was hot, sticky, and wet, it smelled of middle schoolers, and I just felt like I got nothing completed and anything that I did get done was wrong!

Now the nightmare really came to life in religion.  I love teaching religion and I love my students but the questions they asked today and the things they didn't know made me want to... well... run through a desert.

From nuns and priests being married to the Trinity being "impossible" I was left feeling less than confident in the future of my student's religious education.  They, of course, thought my reactions were hilarious.

I just want to know what we are going to do for our children to bring them to God and to teach them to love our Church if they have such a lack of experience.

Now I know it's not all bad... the other day one of my boys who serves at Mass told me how upset he was that people didn't bow before they received the Eucharist... it made my heart melt.  However, some of them really are clueless.

There's really no point to this post except that we need to pray for them and do our best to surround them with what matters.  The problem isn't that they are not being taught.  It is that the second they leave us they are attacked by everything else.

Our Lady of Good Counsel, Pray for Us and Them!

My Homeless Husband

Well, tonight I was very upset during Mass.  I decided to go to the Saturday Vigil Mass because I have been sick with a cold this week and a sleep in tomorrow is exactly what I need.  On my way over a man came to ask me for prayers.  There are many homeless people who live around the convent because of our location and I make it a point not to ever turn them away from me.  They want to know the sisters love them and care about them.
He didn't ask me for any money.  He just wanted to pray together.  I took his hand in mine and he closed his eyes while I said a few words for both of us to God asking for help and thanking Him for our lives.  He smelled of alcohol and after I prayed with him he hugged me and thanked me for caring.  I was reminded of Father Damien and the lepers.
When I reached the doors to church an older woman scolded me for speaking to him.  She told me he was a drunk and a good for nothing freeloader.  He didn't belong here in our parish.   I was quite angry, and told her that Jesus had no home and relied on the people in the towns He visited.  I also told her that love had no limit and that he asked me for prayers only.  I almost told her my natural father is an alcoholic... thank God I controlled myself!
However, when the Gospel began about Lazarus I came close to crying.  Are the homeless not allowed to attend Mass?  Can they not be in the presence of Jesus unless they are cleaned up and straightened out?  Are they outside of salvation's reach because they don't have a house to live in?  And what about that woman who scolded me... will she be accepted into the Father's house after denying this man prayer?  Will she be able to look Jesus in the eyes after turning Him away?  Her disgust and hatred was so evident, it was sickening.
When I got home, I told the sisters all about it and I was glad they agreed with me.  We have problems with security in our house.  It isn't safe sometimes because of the amount of people living in tents and other haphazard structures around our convent so I was worried they might have the same feeling about this poor man.  However, they agreed.  I shouldn't have even second guessed them.  He is a human being.  He deserves and needs love.
Anyway, I realized when I got home that I could look my husband in the eyes because of what I said to that man today.  I don't care about that woman's hatred for this poor soul or what the more well - to - do members of the parish thought of seeing me conversing with him and holding his hand because the only person who matters is Him.  I truly believe that Jesus has much more in common with that homeless man than He does with the people who tell him he doesn't belong.  He loved. He asked for help. He accepted charity. He forgave. He prayed.
Lord let me do the same.  Let me never become so complacent and particular that I cannot accept the ways in which You decide to reveal Yourself to me.  Never let me deny Lazarus a drink of water, a bite to eat, a prayer to share.  

Everyday Life

Well, I was thinking about the enormous amount of things I am so blessed to get to include in my day and I thought I would share a little with you of what a typical day for me is like.  During the week, I wake up at 4:30 and get dressed quickly.  It is the least favorite part of my day.  If I could change anything in the world, it would be that in the morning you would wake up dressed and washed and ready to go.  The prayers I say as I put on my habit in the morning are so beautiful, however, being human, I don't remember even saying them when I make it to Chapel because I am usually so tired!

I spend an hour in prayer in our convent Chapel before morning prayer in common with the sisters.  Sometimes I pray my Rosary, my stations, journal, or spiritual reading.  What I don't do in the morning I do at night.  We always say the Rosary and the Stations of the Cross.  I live in a small house right now and none of us are good singers.  Thank God He loves us whether we are good singers or not because some days just starting the hymn is a comedy.  The General Superior doesn't ask about musical skills before she changes us under obedience.

After prayers, we have to drive to the next parish over for Mass.  Each day after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, we renew our vows privately in our hearts.  Usually I put my face in my hands so that I don't get distracted as I remember those words I have said each day that are the very meaning of my life, and the very meaning of the Eucharist.  These words, which I so often say without the reverence they deserve, shape my whole life and my every day.

When I get home from Mass, I pick up my school bag and off I go!  I have a half-hour to set up my SmartBoard, my laptop, and other classroom resources before my little children of God show up.  They come in like a flash of lightning and they actually are not little at all.  I teach middle school.  So, you can imagine how their entrance each day goes!

I try all day to talk some sense into preteen boys and girls - mostly a futile task - and love them.  Those are my two jobs when I am at school.  However, in addition to that, they confide in me, they laugh with me, they cry with me and they share their lives with me.  What a gift from God!

After school, I pack my bag and scuttle home after my desk looks somewhat neat and clean.  I unpack my things, do a little work, and go to Chapel for evening prayer.  After vespers, we eat dinner together.  I clean the kitchen after dinner because it is my charge.  If I don't have a parent, school, or community meeting (which seems rare sometimes) I go watch the news with the nuns and then get in the shower and put my pjs on.  This is one of my favorite parts of the day! Ha!

I might do some schoolwork, go to the community room with the sisters, or go to chapel after this.  Either way I always end the day in my bedroom praying compline and doing a little spiritual reading before I hit the hay.  As I fall asleep I start my second rosary.  My guardian angel always finishes!

So thank you Jesus for the weekend! I am exhausted just from writing this and need some major rest.  On Saturday the parish mass is at 9 am!  So goodnight and God bless!

The Nature of Sacrifice

This weekend I was at a community meeting and it became painfully clear how much we need to talk about what sacrifice and hard work really are.  After enjoying a wonderful day with my sisters, we had Mass in our Chapel at our Motherhouse.  The priest who said Mass was just wonderful - a Redemptorist like our dear founder.  He was, maybe not so prudently, saying that religious women have done more for the Church than anyone.  The heart of his comment was really to let us know his gratitude for us and the gratitude of the Church for our sacrifice and our hard work.

I'm not sure quite how it happened next but all the sudden from behind me I heard a clap.  Someone was actually clapping out loud during the homily.  While I was immediately disturbed by sister's lack of etiquette and reverence, I pondered from where her reaction came.  I found myself meditating on the sentence, "Because we have sacrificed so much..." and I realized that the way I finish that sentence is, unfortunately, different from the way she does.

The way I finish that sentence is "I still haven't given enough, I need to give more, Christ calls me to continue, our Blessed Mother aids me in my perseverance, we must give it all, we have to keep serving, we have to keep going."  The way my dear sister finished the sentence is "we deserve a break, we deserve respect, we deserve more freedom, we are finished our work, we should relax, we should take a break, we should be put on pedestals and not be expected to live the harsh, difficult, and radical life God has given to us."

I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't upset me that any of my sisters feels this way... it profoundly does.  It breaks my heart that some of their hearts have become so hard.  At the same time I realize she didn't just decide one day to wake up and think this way.  It probably started with a superior who made her go to school when she had the flu, then a pastor who didn't support the school, then an older sister who yelled at her for nothing, a principal who put all the responsibility of the school on her shoulders.  Soon enough, she saw other sisters moving into their own apartments, taking on prestigious positions, and earning their own way.

Fortunately, her position is not one that many of my sisters share, but it is painful nonetheless.  It is painful both for her and for the rest of us.  I don't know how anyone else felt after the little outburst.  It was little because no one joined her.  However, I felt called very much to pray and think about sacrificing more and about protecting my heart from the hardness that can come from being treated with a lack of charity.  We are all human and our sisters will always fail.  I will always fail them.  But it is Him who does all things in us.  We do not need to worry.  We do not need to take all of these things on our shoulders.  He who has called us will see us through.

I leave this little reflection feeling very much at peace and very much dedicated to continuing to sacrifice, especially for my sister who needs my prayers and my love at this point.  It is so easy to see her as "other" and as "outside" the group.  Her views may be, however, she is still vowed in the same way I am and I am still responsible for her, as she is for me.

Community is the place where we lead one another down the road to Heaven.  God gives us those who need help and those who can help us wherever we go.  Sister may never know this but God was able to use even this for His good because He was able to remind my heart to trust, to love, and to give unreservedly so that I never lose sight the purpose of my life.      

First Full Week of School... ahhhhhh

Tomorrow the first full week of school comes to an end and I am overwhelmed yet peaceful and happy at the same time about how the week has gone, and how the weekend is going to come!  Quite frequently these days I have felt the uncontrollable urge to cry... and not because I'm having a bad day like I did before.  I could chalk it up to the very human feeling of lack of sleep and overwhelming circumstances, however, it seems more like a heightened emotional state.

I am in a new convent, teaching in a new school, living with new sisters, praying in a new chapel, and living basically a totally new life.  I just feel so touched by the small things, whether they be sad, happy, difficult, simple... they are all just such vivid feelings.  My children are especially big reasons for my tears.  Middle schoolers... anyone who has children in that age range or have taught them certainly understands my feelings.  They can be so profound, so needy, so loving, so compassionate, so mean, so sad all at once and it changes so frequently.  I almost feel like they are rubbing off on me!

Really, I know that I have been given such a gift and a privilege to walk with them as their teacher, as someone who loves them and desires all the best things for them.  It gets my emotions all riled up, because they have so much potential and they don't know it.  But, I love them.  That is what I promised to do and I know that there are many people in their lives who have not promised to do that in the same way and they get messages all the time that they are no one, that they do not matter, and that they won't be anything important ever.

It just breaks my heart and at the same time I can see so much in their eyes when they look at me, when they realize that they learned something, that they pleased me, that they are having fun, that they look like little children sometimes, even when they are in trouble.  I know that every moment is essential to their formation as Catholic young men and women.  They just always make me want to cry! :)

This weekend I will be at our Motherhouse for some community meetings and with a friend of mine for some fun.  Hopefully, both will help me unwind!

Bad Day

I always hate it when this happens, and I never want to admit it but I am having a terrible day today!  It's really all very silly except that it is the first week of school and so I'm already a little bit on edge.  Here is how it started...

This morning at the crack of dawn, which is when I wake up :(, one of the sisters told me that I made the coffee too weak.  No good morning, no how are you, just that the coffee was not strong enough.  So I felt bad, but I felt worse when another dear sister in Christ came and told me that the coffee was too strong.  Now, I know, coffee is not the most important thing in the world.  There are people who are starving, who are in despair, who are uneducated, who need health care.... however, this morning all I could think of was this one pot of coffee and how mad I was!  I mean how can I make one pot of coffee both stronger and weaker at the same time?  Please, someone tell me how, I will do it!  But I can't, because it is impossible.  Isn't that insane?  I know it is insane, but somehow I have found myself in the middle of this day just wanting to go hide in my room with a cup of tea and have a little cry and go to bed.  

It isn't just the coffee, of course, but it is funny how one thing can become a catalyst of emotion for many things that have been building up.  I know I have a lot to bring to the Lord tonight because I'm being very hard on myself and I need His gentleness and compassion.  Someone told me one time that it is a sin to expect yourself to be perfect because you make Christ's death insignificant and unimportant.  If we were perfect, His death would be in vain.  So, here I am in the same sin as I always am, of wanting myself to be perfect.

Although I am always working on this it is much harder when you move to a new convent and new school.  I think people think sometimes when you are a sister and move somewhere that it's just part of the life and you get used to it.  But you really don't.  Each time it brings up new insecurities, failures, shortcomings, and a plethora of other awkward things.  Each time it also brings God's grace, and makes me pay more attention to the fact that I am in need of His grace.  I'm not perfect and neither are my sisters, my students, my school, or anyone else I meet.  

Please just say a prayer for me today.  I feel like a little kid at the end of a vacation; tired, overextended, thrust into a schedule, and having to follow rules that I don't like!  I must say it feels great to get this out in the open like this!  

Dinner Out

I have mentioned before how nice it is in the summer to have a little extra unstructured time to have fun and be spontaneous.  Well, today I was working diligently on my lesson plans for the new school year when I received a call asking if I was able to go out to dinner with a priest friend.  I said yes, of course, and tried to get as much work done as I could before he came to pick myself and another sister up for dinner.  

I have heard some sisters from other communities say before that they would never be allowed to just go out to dinner... some even have it in their rule.  Not that it's a bad thing to have in your Rule, but it is part of my community's history to be hospitable in this way.  While I was in the novitiate a sister taught us Community History and one large part of that was that when our sisters were missioned to a foreign country they always made sure to be available when priests came, especially priests from their home countries, so that they had someone to talk to in their native language, to enjoy a meal with, and to pray with when they arrived.  It is so lonely to be in another country without a community and so the sisters were encouraged to always be available, even in the middle of the night to rise and make preparations to welcome one of their fathers.

Well, I was delighted with a visit from this very holy and fatherly priest.  So often in our world today priests live alone without much support.  Maybe we could all take the time to pray in gratitude for these holy men who have touched our lives, nourished our souls, and given us the grace to respond to God.  Maybe we could also pray for those men who have felt abandoned, broken, or alone and have left God's service, that they might know God's abundant love and goodness and, if able, return to His service once again.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of your holy priests!  Send us more!  Amen!

Random thoughts

You know what?... I just love being a sister.  I don't know why, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by how awesome it is to be a spouse of Christ and a sister to His people.  Community, ministry, mission, obedience, chastity, poverty... what gifts they are!!  

As I have mentioned before, the summers are frequently chaotic as sisters are going on retreat, offering service in one of our many missions, and getting ready for another year of educational ministry.  Tonight our superior made hot dogs for dinner.  I love hot dogs!  It really is the simple things that make everything worth while.  We enjoyed a lovely dinner together on the porch.  As we shared all our adventures from the day, I felt so blessed to be on this journey with my sisters.

Speaking of adventures.... my adventures were many in number today.  I had to find some of the textbooks for my dear children, fix the showers in the convent, clean my charge, plan my lessons, meet with my superior, and decorate my classroom today.  It was wild.  As I reread everything I have done today I feel energized and excited because all of it was done in love and prayer for my sisters and for God's people.  

Tomorrow another adventure awaits me.  It is the last weekend before school starts and my dear sister - friend is coming to stay over at my convent.  I am going to pick her up and we are going to buy a few things for my classroom before grabbing a cheese steak (I am in Philadelphia :)) and coming back to the convent.  

Please pray for me as I prepare for school to begin!  I will be praying for you!

Chastity

Well, last night someone told me that I was beautiful, but not in the, "oh, you're a young nun, you're so beautiful..." way.  It was more in the way that a man tells a woman that she is beautiful.  It really caught me off guard because I really haven't experienced that in such an obvious way as a religious before.  As a religious I have experienced attractions that come and go but much more subtly.

Anyway, I didn't know what to say and it was super awkward, which I'm sure everyone can appreciate.  That kind of awkwardness, unfortunately, happens to everyone.

It doesn't really matter what was said by this man to me or why or how, although it probably wouldn't have made me think so much about chastity if it had been rude or out of order instead of just a genuine compliment.  What mattered was what happened in my heart after.  I felt so discombobulated and distracted.

I knew that I needed to speak to God about what I was feeling.  I prayed a very distracted compline and then I got into bed while still thinking about this interesting conversation I had just had.  My normal practice when I get in bed at night is to pray my Rosary (my guardian angel finishes it for me every night!).  Nothing spectacular happened except that a peace that transcends all peace relaxed everything in me.  I was so moved by this peace that my deepest desire at that moment was to offer all my mixed and uncomfortable emotions about the night for the salvation and peace of the man who caused them to begin with.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, and I hope it doesn't scandalize at all because I am just speaking candidly of the struggles and daily choices all religious experience and make.  What happened though was what chastity is all about.  I was able in that sacrifice of myself to offer God a soul, to offer Him in prayer this son of His.  What an amazing goodness that can come from a real interior struggle.  I am just filled with awe at God's goodness to bring this man to me and to allow me to hold him in my heart the way that God would.

One time a very special religious told me that love is a commitment.  Commitment is the definition of love.   I am young and am still learning but I feel so clearly that God has won a small battle in my heart and in the heart of the one He brought to me last night.  Love has prevailed.  He is so so so good.

Home

I am home at last in my new convent.  Since my retreat ended I have been running around like a crazy woman trying to get unpacked in the convent and school while figuring out where the soap, broom, milk, and other household items are!  The sisters have been wonderful to me, especially since most of them are new as well!  We have all been lost in the basement more than once since we arrived due to the fact that there are three stairwells in this house.  It makes things quite confusing. 

It is so overwhelming to spend so long packing and preparing to move and then have to undo all of it and put things in order again.  I am so glad to finally have most of my life in some organizational scheme.  School is coming along as well.  I went over yesterday and stayed all day but today I decided to sleep in and go to the 11:30 Mass.  After, I cleaned my charges and did laundry.  However, there is still much to be done.

One of the things I love about convents is that they are old.  I know not all convents are old but a lot of them are... mine is one of them.  Old things frequently need repairs and we have been having a hilarious time trying to figure out what is wrong with more than a few items in and around the house.  One of those items is the internet, which is why I haven't been posting for a while.  Other items include the sewing machine, phone, television, refridgerator, ice maker, carpet cleaner, and almost everything in the basement.  During the day all of the sisters have been going their own ways to fix up their charges and get classrooms ready, but at night in the community room the big discussion is always about the discoveries during the day.  One sister found the key to a door we couldn't open, another found the dust brush, another gave up and bought a new mop (I'm sure in a few months we will find the old one!). 

No matter what there has been much love and laughter as we have banded together in community to get comfortable in our new surroundings. 

Thank God there is still time before school starts because there is still so much to do.  I know He will take care of it though!

Many prayers!

Retreat!

This evening I am going to begin my retreat and I am so excited.  I have a few good books that I can read if I desire, but the best part of retreat is that it is all about what desire God gives me in each moment.  There is no "achieving" in retreat, no "doing."  It is just time to be with the Lord and let Him guide me and bring me to a place of rest and refreshment.  So, please pray for me during these days as I will also be praying for all of you!

God bless!

PS. The visitor was "caught" and released!

Visitors...

Well, yesterday on the feast of St. Alphonsus, all the sisters gathered at the Motherhouse for our annual Convocation.  It is a wonderfully beautiful day where we gather to pray together, share with one another, and be renewed by the words of our General Superior.  Watching my sisters gathered together to celebrate our grace-filled heritage filled my eyes with tears.  However, the most touching moment for me was when we sang St. Alphonsus' O God of Loveliness.  Being daughters of Alphonsus, the words were very touching for us and I was not the only one with a few tears in my eyes.  Here are the words:

O God of loveliness, O Lord of Heaven above,

How worthy to possess my heart’s devoted love.

So sweet Thy countenance, so gracious to behold

That one, one only glance to me were bliss untold.

Thou art blest Three in One, yet undivided still,

Thou art the One alone, whose love my heart can fill.

The heav’ns and earth below were fashioned by Thy Word,

How amiable art Thou, my ever dearest Lord.

To think Thou art my God—O thought forever blest!

My heart has overflowed with joy within my breast.

My soul so full of bliss, is plunged as in a sea,

Deep in the sweet abyss of holy charity.

O Loveliness supreme, and Beauty infinite,

O ever flowing Stream and Ocean of delight,

O Life by which I live, my truest Life above,

To Thee alone I give my undivided love.

After our guests left the Motherhouse and we collapsed after a joy-filled day, everyone wandered back to their rooms to rest.  I awoke to the news of another guest - this one not so pleasant.  I went to get some coffee this morning and there was a note on the white board which is usually reserved for schedule changes.  It said, "BAT ALERT."  

Well... after a busy day of sisters roaming in and out and all over the Motherhouse a bat decided to pay us a visit.  So needless to say, he scared many a sister and is still stalking around here somewhere.  It is a good thing we have some expert bat catchers.  It is a frequent occurrence in the summer for us to find some of these dear creatures making themselves at home in the high ceilings and stone cellars of our beautiful Motherhouse.  Naturally some sisters scream and run when they see them, while others have honed their skills and have become our very own bat catchers.  They have their own nets and systems to find and capture our guests to release them back into the wild.  Hopefully we find this little guy soon and return him to where he belongs.