Scattered

This morning I felt so much comfort in the response to the psalm at Mass, "In every age, O Lord, you have been our refuge."  This is probably going to be a really scattered post because I'm still thinking myself about everything that has happened in Philadelphia in the past few days.  Another indictment and another scandal has come out again.  It breaks the hearts of the people - the priests, the religious, the laity, the victims.  I'm still working it out in my mind and heart right now.  I have tried to post a few times but have stopped each time because I'm just not sure what to say.

I can't describe the sorrow I feel about everything.  I really do believe in faith that God is allowing us to experience this terrible mortification and purification right now for our own good.  When I look at the state our Church is in at this time I just wait and watch to see the great holy men and women God will call to do His work... to rebuild His Church.  My students fill my heart with hope as I watch their hearts slowly be enflamed through the purifying fire that is upon us now.

We received a letter to send home to parents after the news broke but the teachers were not allowed to comment on it.  My kids being the holy-rollers they are, wanted to read it right away when they saw it was from the Cardinal.  As I told them to put the letters in their backpacks they reminded me, "But Sister, this is important.  It's from the Cardinal!"  The next day they wanted us to talk about it again.  I wish I could have but I was under not permitted to do so.    Instead we spoke about how God could be calling them to be the hope and the future of the Church.  A few days before we were talking about the story of Abraham and the idea of sacrificing our wills.  My students came up with a few ways they could try to sacrifice their wills.  They are really competitive so it wasn't hard at all for me to get them to think of the best way to beat themselves!  They decided that they would offer one of those sacrifices for the Archdiocese of Philadelphia without any prompting of my own.

How much will God listen to the sacrifices of His dear children in response to the pain and hurt of His children before?  I believe their sacrifices will be what saves us.

I have to be honest when I say that I am angry at those who have caused this to happen to our Church.  That is not to say that I believe everything in the media but that I'm sure what they report has happened at some point and I am furious with a righteous anger that we have been betrayed as a Church and as children of God.  I am also convinced that God will raise up leaders whose holiness will be a brilliant light for the world.

We are at such a unique time where the sin of the world has entered into the Church and we are losing more and more everyday - not to say that there aren't any hopeful signs - but to be truthful that it is a difficult time for anyone to follow Christ.  I really believe that there will be a new springtime of generous sacrifice, radical love, and deep conversion to living the Gospel.  At the same time I hope they don't resent the rest of us too much for our shortcomings.  They have been failed.

Please join with me in prayer that God does for us what we need... that He cares for us as His children and that He protects the children under our care now and always.  Jesus, we need you!  Amen.

Hope

This week my convent had the joy of having one of our sisters stay with us.  It was lovely.  Today she came to school to see my classroom and my students.  Of course, I was bragging up and down about them.  "They made Confirmation this year and they are so holy and wonderful..."  And they really are, usually, pretty holy for sixth graders.  They may not always make the right decisions but they definitely have consciences that work.  When something happens sometimes they turn themselves in before I even find out about it.  It makes my heart fill with happiness to see what wonderful young men and women they are.

However, that picture was then shattered this afternoon - okay... I'm being dramatic.  It wasn't shattered but it did take a heavy blow.  At dismissal the boys were talking to me about the dance that a local Catholic, not school, organization has for them monthly.  They said, "What if Sister came?"  "I wouldn't go."  I acted very offended (I wasn't; I just know they think it's funny when I act like that because they giggle and giggle) and asked why they would ever not want me around.  After all, I'm the best Sister they have (and the only one!).  

I was so sad when they really told me why they wouldn't want me there - because of the way they "dance."  Yes, I know it has a name but I'm not going to even repeat it here.  I guess maybe they thought I wouldn't know it, but I'm in my twenties so I know everything they are talking about.  It just broke my heart to hear that they think that is okay to do.  They don't understand even a little bit how terrible it is.

So here is my dilemma... the world is taking over our children.  I don't feel like we can compete... other than by our faith in Jesus that He will be present to them.  But we have to be doing something wrong.  Or there has to be something more that we can be doing?  I don't know what it is though.  A few ideas for the moment are; modelling, sacrifice and penance, and intentional prayer for them.  We really are in a battle for the future of our world and for the salvation of souls.  It is increasingly difficult to form a good conscience everyday.  Everyday there is a new assault on things good and beautiful and right.  Whether it comes from the TV, the parents, the friends, or the neighborhoods... or all of them, our kids are being sucked in without a chance to a way of living that will never give them the true peace and joy that comes with a life of love.  

I know one conversation doesn't mean the world is over... but one conversation can be very telling - and this one was.  Pray with me that God calls up new leaders and new models for our young people and that they respond wholeheartedly to His call to live and love in faith.      

My Nuns Rock!

My local convent community is basically awesome.  This is my first year here and these sisters amaze me with their generosity and hospitality ALL the time.  Whatever shortcomings we all have... together... we are a really great group.  I'm so grateful to God for putting me in this community with these particular sisters.

This weekend I realized all over again how awesome they really are.  I asked to invite a large group of young sisters to stay at our house overnight so that we could recreate and be together.  They said yes and were thrilled to have the youngin's invade the house.  We live in a rather large house for the number of sisters here so there is a lot of room.  As part of our community spirit of hospitality I got all the sisters rooms ready for them before they came; beds turned down, towels out, extra blanket ready, homemade welcome sign, and a little Valentine gift on their beds.  I had a lot of fun, haha.  I love to entertain.

After everyone arrived safe and sound, well almost sound... this was Catholic Horrors...ummm... I mean Catholic Schools Week, we found out that one of the sisters had a little gift for us too.  Her superior gave us a little donation to get a bite out to eat.  We went for some wonderful food and talked, talked, and talked some more... about convent life, prayer, community, school, students, friends, family... and anything else we could think of.  When we got back, we joined the nuns in the community room and chatted for a while again.

When the majority of the group had fallen asleep in their chairs we got everyone up to bed amidst a lot of giggling and smiles.  It was just great to be together.  We slept in and went to a late Mass... after which we continued talking and just enjoying one another's company.

Bottom line is... other nuns might be annoyed by a bunch of giggly, loud, and goofy young nuns hanging around but mine are awesome (obviously we aren't disrespectful but it is nice to let loose with one another).  They were just happy to share our convent home with other sisters and enjoy one another's company.  It was great.

So now I am feeling quite happy and energetic about everything.  I love this feeling... it is definitely God's way of telling me to keep going and enjoy the exciting ride of religious life.  He is so present in that hospitality and goodness of the sisters with whom I live and I love to see Him there all the time!    

Can there really be more?

I have already lost count of how many snow days we have had here... but it seems like each week we are off from school once again because of a freak snowstorm.  Today was another day.... tomorrow will be another.

Today I spent about three hours with some of the boys trying to dig the convent cars out.  They are adorable but I'm not sure if I will be able to get out of bed after shoveling for so long.  We only got one car out!  One car after three hours of work.  I can't believe it!  Also after the three hours of work we had hot dogs and a snowball fight.  That was their pay for all their hard work!

This year I chose as my yearly intention the survival of Catholic Education.  However, I am wondering more and more about the survival of education period if we are never in school!  Now again we are hearing that there will be another storm next week.  The kids are loving it, but as a teacher, I am exhausted with the lack of instructional time.

I love being a teacher and being in school.  I wonder all the time how we can respond to the needs of young people through Catholic education.  It is getting more expensive, enrollment is going down, we are losing our ability to be in the worst neighborhoods, discipline is lacking because of family dynamics - and we have more and more students who are non-Catholic (not a bad thing because it is evangelization, but we must educate our own children.)  Another struggle is forming young men and women into the adults God has made them to be when their lives are filled with over-sexualization, partying, lack of self-discipline, and lack of motivation.  We have to be everything to them and there are less and less sisters teaching in schools who can be available all the time for our children.

Just some thoughts on the situation as we approach Catholic Schools Week next week - if we are ever in school again!

Germs and Community

Sometimes it is good to take stock of life... almost always it doesn't measure up to expectations though, haha.  These past few days I have been at workshops and I have a wicked cold so I have been like a ghost in the convent.  They see my shadow move around... to get tea, sometimes venturing to get food... but not much else.  To be honest... I miss the nuns!  I miss Jesus in Chapel!

Now, I wouldn't be such a ghost if the circumstances were not out of my control, however, it does make me realize how important those parts of my life are... and how easily I can forget them.  Tonight when I ventured downstairs out of my bedroom to get some tea for my cough I thought... how long has it been since I've been in the community room?  The answer is a few days.  I hate that!  But I've been sick and leaving early and coming home late from workshops.  It isn't always like this.

Tonight though I found myself thinking... is there anyone out there?  It felt quite lonely to not have seen anyone in a few days.  I don't know how some sisters do it; living in apartments or doing jobs that keep them travelling frequently.  I would find that so difficult.  I love my nuns.  I love living in community and I love living with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

We always joke.  When someone is sick the nuns always say, "Stay in the same temperature."  It really translates into, "Please stay in your room... we don't want your germs."  That's where I am right now... I've been exiled so I'll just have to wait it out.  I know the nuns will welcome me back without my germs as soon as I get rid of them.

Vocation Awareness

Well... I just wanted to say I was grateful for the comments on my last post.  I'm going to put it on the side burner until I get a little perspective... or distance, from this strange encounter I have had.  In other news... it was vocation awareness week this week and I tried to make my dear students very, very aware.  I know, I always say it, but, they are the best kids in the whole world.

Many of them, as their hormones rage in middle school, say that they would not want to be a priest, sister, brother, consecrated virgin...   I love their honesty and questions and I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything in their hearts and minds.  It is interesting to me that the sixth grade boys tell me everything, the eighth grade girls tell me everything and seventh grade, boys and girls, can't keep a secret to save their lives.  It makes them all the more endearing to my heart!

Anyway, the other day, one of the girls in eighth grade was giving me the update on the two boys who are both attempting to win her affections these days.  She is just a beautiful girl who has had a very difficult family life but has matured with the help of God's grace.  I listened as I always do and gave her my advice... (one of the boys seems much nicer than the other!).  Her homeroom teacher came to me at the end of the day and told me that she said that I was the "perfect nun." HA!  Her reasoning was that I "was holy, but still understood the business..."  It made me really happy to hear that - even though I'm not holy... she is right that I understand "the business."  It isn't that long that I have been out of the dating scene and I think I do "get it."

After that, one of my boys came to talk to me about something I told him the other day.  He was goofing off with one of the other boys.  They really are good kids but it certainly wasn't the most respectful conversation as far as women go.  I said to him, "If I were (the girl he liked), my feelings would be hurt right now."  He said to me, "Sister, you were right.  I talked to 'Mary' last night and she was upset about what I said.  I said I was sorry and it's alright now."  I won't lie... I definitely was happy to hear I was right! haha.  But I was happier that he learned something about how much it matters how he acts.  He is really a leader among his peers and if he knows how to behave, he can influence many of them to behave like young Catholic men.

No matter what my girls or boys choose to do with their lives, although I hope and pray that they follow God's will for them, I will be proud of them for their decisions.  I know that they are growing into mature and responsible young men and women.  I thank God so much for the opportunity to walk with them.  It is such a gift to me to be able to see His grace operating in their lives.  It fills my heart with gratitude and love as I watch them grow into God's own special gift to the world.

Religious Habit

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about the habit.  I've had some uncomfortable experiences in the past few months regarding my habit and so I have been trying to work it all out in my head and heart and for some reason, I feel like sharing.

My take on the habit is that it is absolutely necessary.  My community has some options and to be completely honest - I hate it.  I wish we all wore the same thing all the time.  However, we do wear a habit and for that I am grateful.    The style of habit I wear is definitely in my opinion - "poor, modest, and becoming."  It is practical for the work I do and the place I live and it certainly offers a witness to the people I meet.  

However, my recent experiences have left me questioning my attitudes about the habit and the attitudes of others.  It doesn't make me uncomfortable when people point out how happy they are to see a young sister in a habit - it is a normal and appropriate conversation piece.  However, when a grown man tells me that I'm too young and beautiful to be a sister - a red alarm goes off in my mind.  When someone stops me in the store to ask me where I work and what community I am in - I happily answer, with as much information as I can safely give.  However, when someone asks to touch me (yes - I'm not joking - this did happen) I am extremely uncomfortable.  I mean - how do you graciously answer that question?!  

The above examples being strange - I would also add that others are just plain scary.  While I love that the world knows that I am a spouse of Christ because of my habit - because of that witness I can also become an easy target.  I didn't realize this until very recently when a man (a man who should have known better by his state in life than to say this to me) stated, "You should be careful, many men will find you attractive because you are young, pretty, and in a habit."  (His intention was not to honestly warn me.)  

Since then I have found myself extremely uncomfortable in a few situations and I have been asking myself a few questions to which I still have no answers.  Should I stop wearing the habit I now wear in favor of a less feminine version?  Does the veil always incite this type of attention?  Are there times when it is appropriate, prudent, and justifiable not to wear the habit for the safety of oneself?  Would people identify me as "less of a nun" if I wore a habit that was not as traditional as the more feminine one I wear now even though it is still blessed?  How do I continue to give an open, approachable, and honest witness while still guarding myself from the inappropriate comments of others?

So those are my thoughts at the moment on the habit - not the most religious and inspiring, but a struggle that I'm sharing for now.  I hope it wasn't too much to share, but I do feel like sometimes the issue of the habit isn't talked about with a lot of openness and understanding and I just wanted to shed another light on it.  Let me know what you think.

Panic and Peace

Well... here is the update... I've lost it all.  There is no retrieving any of my information on my broken flash drive. I have been spending quite a bit of time trying to make up for so much lost work so I haven't been writing too much.

I bet many of my kids had a little breakdown before they had to come back to school after a whole week off.  I mean, it's daunting to have time to be free and then know how much work is ahead of you.  I had the same experience right before school started back up again this week!  While I stayed pretty calm for a few days after the flash drive incident when I went to school to get prepared to teach this past week I was very very upset.

When I told the kids what happened their first question was, "Did you cry, Sister?"  The answer is YES.  It was so overwhelming to lose so much work.  I didn't even know where to begin again.  I had everything planned for the year.  What I realized though was that God was shaking me up a little bit.  Everything has been going to well for me but it has been due to my reliance on myself and not on Him.  I don't think HE broke my flash drive, haha, but He did use it for His own purposes.

I really think that feeling uncomfortable is a sign for me of God working in  my life.  Anytime I get too comfortable with myself, my apostolate, my prayer, my community; I see God throw some loops into my perfect world so that I can practice trusting Him and allowing Him to be in control of my life.  I have a really hard time doing that.  Discomfort lets me know that I'm on the right path.  That discomfort forces me to be more intentional in the way I live religious life and the way I serve God's people.  It's a great tool for me to grow.

So, while my lost flash drive is a huge setback in my schoolwork, it is a forward movement in relationship with God.  I'm trying to remind myself of that as I work through the weekend.  Thank God it snowed and I wouldn't have been able to go out anyway!

Panic!

My flash drive just broke in my computer... it has all my schoolwork on it... all of it.  Tests, Quizzes, Notes... Everything.  Please pray that I can recover these files.  I just was saying the other day that if I lost that flash drive... well it would be bad.  Now here I am.  I will be lost without this stuff.  Please pray!   I am extremely grateful!

Out and About

This is one of the best weeks to be a teacher... because you're off all week.  Our sisters usually use this week to visit other convents, their family, and friends.  It is nice to have some less structured time to be able to nurture the relationships that God gives us.

I went to visit a sister who I am good friends with last night and I stayed over at her convent.  We had a wonderful time catching up on everything going on at the convents, talking about community stuff, and taking notes on school things (we both teach the same age group... which means good ideas from one another!)  It was so life-giving to spend some time with someone who really is a friend in the spiritual sense.  You can't share with everyone your struggles, imperfections, successes and heartaches.

I'm thrilled to see the world picking up on growth in religious life for many communities, especially in the recent spotlight on the Nashville Dominicans.  I would hate for anyone to think I'm being petty, but it isn't the same for all communities who are really faithful.  My community has always been faithful to Church teaching and we just aren't growing in the same way they are so I have a different experience of community life than some of those sisters do, which is good, not a bad thing!  I'd just like to give voice to my own experience.

I was realizing the other day that I really have no day to day contact with peers.  The sisters with whom I live are all older and I teach middle school students.  I love community and I love school but there are times when I miss very much the interaction I have with people of my own age.  The sisters with whom I live are very intentional in allowing me to be young... in fact I think it entertains them to entertain me but they sometimes can't relate to everything going on in my life.

That's why it is so great for me to have a religious who is a friend.  We have the same generational experiences and so she helps me to be able to understand my struggles and joys in the context of religious life and my own life experience in a way that someone much older wouldn't be able to.  It isn't a downplay of the older sisters at all.  They offer me wisdom and example that I can't get from anywhere else.  They challenge me to live religious life radically.  They just might not be able to sing along to the same song on the radio or go to a freezing cold soccer game.

There also comes the points of temptation in our world now.  Many things that come on the TV or movies or out of our student's mouths are not up to Catholic moral standards.  I hate to say this but... it goes over the older sisters heads sometimes.  A rainbow to them means hope, to me it means homosexual rights.  The word gay means happy to them.  Eminem is a candy, not a rapper.  A player is in a board game... not the dating world...  The list could go on and on (I tried to use the most G-rated examples I could think of!)  But this doesn't even mention the unwanted attention I receive sometimes as a young sister in a habit that can only be described as inappropriate that they might see as being complimentary.

We all have to talk about it, and I'm grateful to have a friend who gets it and can offer solutions and support for all the ins and outs of religious life in our world right now.  Hopefully, I do the same.

Christmas

These past two days have been so wonderful and I am just terrible.  I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.  I love my life, I love religious life.  I love the sisters I live with and I love what I do.

In my convent, which is relatively young, the next sister in age to me is over 20 years older than I am.  I am the youngest sister in my whole community and it's tough being the youngest - not impossible, but still hard.  Part of it being hard is that God is in it.  If He weren't in it, it would be easy, simple, and wonderful all the time.  But it's not and so I know He is really here.

Today I was annoyed.  I was annoyed at the preparations for dinner.  I was annoyed at the crazy nun-dom stuff that happens.  I was annoyed at Mass.  I was annoyed at things people said and did.  Ugh, I was just terrible.

I tried to remind myself that it isn't about things being perfect because Christ came into this imperfect world in a really super imperfect way.  Nothing was ready; nothing was pretty, nothing was regal... It was all love though.

It is so hard to balance everything and to do it all perfectly and I realize more than ever now that it is completely impossible.  There is too much in everyday life.  There are only 24 hours a day and much more to be done.  I'm still going to do my best but I'm not working towards perfect anymore... I'm working towards love and selflessness.  I can't possibly be perfect... I can't live in the perfect circumstances... But maybe, I can do what Jesus did in imperfection and love.

I expect to be blogging more this week... we are having a major snowstorm.  I'll be with the nuns all week which will be a plus for my love in imperfect circumstances.

Prayers for all this holy season.  Merry Christmas.

There are so many things you can't do when...

you have no voice!  The past few days of Christmas preparations and last days of school have been interesting since I can only whisper.

I had to elect a spokesman in school to make all of my announcements and give directions to the students.  They were thrilled with this but still told me they hoped I would feel better for Christmas.  Today one of my boys came over with a present for me and was very entertained that I still couldn't speak and was cleaning when he came to the convent.

I'm feeling fine but my voice has just escaped me.  Do you think St. Anthony works on things like this?  I'll have to ask him to help me out.

Today all the nuns were around and about cleaning and decorating and doing last minute wrapping.  We were answering the door every other minute as people brought us beautiful baked goods and lovely Christmas offerings.

This evening though was the most touching.  I went out after I was finished working in the house to get my hair cut and to pick up something to help with my throat.  When I walked into Hair Cuttery, a man offered me his seat.  He was handsome, maybe a few years older than me but still young.  The woman next to me was called and he sat down next to me.  I was very impressed with his kindness and he began to tell me that he hadn't been to church in a while.  He seemed a little bit nervous but finally he asked me if I knew anything about a cross he was wearing that had some symbols on it.  I didn't.  He very nervously made a comment about my ring being on the ring finger of my left hand.  I think he must have been really checking out the nun thing to notice such a small, though meaningful, part of my habit.  I explained to him that when I made my vows the priest put this ring on my finger while saying that I was betrothed to the eternal King and I showed him the engraving.

He was called back and he offered me his hand and wished me a happy Christmas.  I know it doesn't sound like much but I could tell by his facial expressions and the way he spoke that he was touched by meeting a sister.  It just goes to show that we are all responsible to bring Jesus into the world - to make Him visible to others by our lives.

Jesus, come into our hearts and make us more like you.

Well... someone did cry...

Well, someone did cry because it is Christmas.  It was a student.  Actually, it was many students.  This week I've had probably about ten kids crying their little eyes out.  There is so much pressure in the lead up to Christmas with report cards, Santa, Demerits, last minute school work, and other goofy antics that cause them to get into trouble and hurt themselves.  Basically, I've been a damage controller all day.  It is exhausting!

Last night the eighth grade girls came over to decorate the convent for Christmas.  It was a lovely night.  It is so nice for me to be able to chat with them outside of school.  They gave me the dirt on all the love connections and asked me for all the "convent dirt."  "Do you always get along with the other sisters?" "Do sisters ever say bad words?" "Do you ever wish you had a husband?"  "Do you ever wish you had kids?"  "What if you don't like what's for dinner?"  "Who does the food shopping?"  It made it well worth it to endure the tears and chaos in school these days to spend time with the girls as we trimmed the tree and goofed around.

Today it snowed!  The kids are aware that I love the snow and immediately turn into a child when I see it.  They were a big bundle of giggles as the snow fell and we didn't get a whole lot of schoolwork done.  However, after all the tears, they did need a little bit of a break.  At dismissal time one of the buses didn't show up and so I had a bunch of kids in my classroom while we waited for the bus to be sorted out.  One by one they left was parents and friends came to pick them up until I was left with a little first grade girl, Mary, and a seventh grade boy, Justin.  I never met the little girl before but my seventh grade friend is quite a character.  He is always in trouble and always doing something fresh.  For some reason I love the fresh boys so we usually get along but I always worry about him.  He is always being written up and staying for detention.

Mary started making me play silly games and Justin looked a little disgusted with how goofy I was being with her.  Eventually though he started to warm up and was laughing and being a fool right along with us.  After about an hour of waiting I picked up a styrofoam ball that was going to be used for a science project later and I just yelled, "snow ball fight" and I threw one at Justin and one at Mary. I thought Justin would be too cool for my game but he started throwing it back and I saw something in him I never saw before.  He was enjoying himself like a kid, with no concern about whether he was keeping up his appearance of not caring, and without trying to prove himself.  It was beautiful.  The sad part was that his facial expression told me that he couldn't believe that he was being allowed to just be a kid and be loved and enjoyed.  I wonder if he has never experienced that before.  I also saw that he was shocked that he was being allowed to be a goof with me, and that I actually was enjoying him as a goof.

It made me realize that the late nights, the painful feet, the papers, grades, and parents are all worth it for moments when a child realizes that he is loved and respected no matter what.  I hope he remembers it.  I hope he knows that he really is loved and liked at the same time.  I hope he knows he can count on me.

It's not Christmas unless someone cries.

Most of the sisters in my community would say these weeks are the worst weeks of the year; in school grades are due, the convent is being decorated, the kids are crazy, time is short, cookies need to be baked, presents wrapped, cards sent, and all the everyday things keep happening.  I had my melt-down day today.  In the novitiate, we always used to say that it wasn't Christmas if someone didn't cry.  I was never that someone until today.

People sometimes warn about over-spiritualizing normal events in everyday life.  I think I have failed to spiritualize them enough though these days.  I've been so overwhelmed with school and community preparations for Christmas that I've forgotten that God is in all these things too.  I hate to cry.  I really don't even like emotions all that much... I know they are necessary but it's just not in me.  Tonight though it all became too much for me.  I spent all weekend at school working on some things that really weren't justly mine.  I endured the advice of others to "relax." Then I felt the wrath of missing something important that I should have done a while ago.  Needless to say, I found myself getting ready for bed and just crying.  As I felt sorry for myself I realized that there are still opportunities that God gives me to forgive, to love, to be humbled, to sacrifice and mortify myself, and to work for His mission in the world.  I just forgot that all these everyday things had that kind of meaning and grace in them.  Basically, I was being a whiny brat.  (I usually tell my middle school kids to "take it like a man" when they get a demerit or a detention, and I was not taking my own advice.)

Confession time - I haven't prayed as I should these days.  I have bronchitis and I am exhausted so for the past week I have missed my daily prayer time in order to get more sleep so that I can work my life away.  I know that has hurt my chances of doing anything the way God intends me to do it.  Anyway, my prayer hasn't been great when it happens either.  It's like I'm in a rut.  Usually, I do really well to journal about things.  It helps me to discern God's voice and action in my life but recently I've just been telling Him all the things I have to do.  It has nothing to do with Him and it is all about me.

I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but again I know I'm falling into the trap of trying to "do" something in order to reap a benefit I see that I need.  I know I really need to just entrust it all to the mercy of God and know that in His goodness He will show me His love and compassion.

I struggle with whether or not to share this particular part of my sadness tonight on a public forum but I think it is appropriate to share using prudence.  It is hard as an active religious sometimes to totally avoid occasions of sin.  Sometimes something small that someone says, while I am trying to be charitable and understanding, will stick with me and torture me.  It may touch my pride, envy, or desire for affection and that thought will invade all other things.  Something like that has been happening to me lately and I don't know quite how to handle it with charity and gentleness.  Jesus did say to Peter, "Get behind me Satan."  I do know that I need to end the relationship from which this temptation is coming toward me.  This doesn't mean I stop praying in charity for the person or the situation but that I distance myself in witness to the Gospel of Christ and my vocation in His holy Church.

I know that Christ has given me a very particular grace to realize this lack of spiritual discernment and the harm being done me by a particular relationship.  I must respond to it.  I have been blessed to know that no matter what I have given my heart to Him and it can't belong to anyone else.  I can't share it; I cannot entrust it; I cannot let it be seen by any other in the way I have allowed Him.  It is difficult and painful at times but I do believe that the convergence of all these things at this time tonight was in His plan for me to rededicate myself to Him and to promise further my love and devotion to Him alone.

God keep giving me the grace!  Amen.    

The Art Museum

Today I took my kids to the Philadelphia Art Museum for a field trip.  It was wonderful.  I haven't been in a while although I really do love it there.  After we arrived the kids ate lunch and then we had an hour to tour alone.  One of the parents didn't show up so we had about twelve middle schoolers in a group.... of course it was interesting!  Because I offered to make the groups, I gave myself all of the "special" children of God.  I really do love them and they are good kids, but they have a lot of spirit in them!  Since there were mostly boys we went almost straight to the horse and man arms.  Lots of beautiful armor, knives, and guns kept the boys more than occupied.

God's grace did prevail in the beginning of our tour when, without my planning, we came upon some beautiful sacred art.  (I just looked at the museum website and tried to find the exhibit but I don't see it and don't have enough time to research.)  We entered thought a portal to a beautiful room and in the center an enormous Crucifix.  The kids were amazed at His beauty and grace.  They moved right past everything else in the room to get up close to Him.  I read the information sheet on it, however; I don't remember much though because I was so taken by their faces as they identified the symbolism and love put into the creation of this work of art.  I could see in their eyes that God was working in them as we pondered the beauty and richness of this image of Christ.  We also saw a beautiful stone altar which filled them with amazement.  They also saw some old Office Books on display and I reminded them of my own office book which I let them look through and explore one day when we went over it in class.  When they realized that Catholics have celebrated these mysteries in the same way all this time they were really amazed.

Of course, we moved right onto the armory exhibit, which was also wonderful.  It doesn't matter though... I saw God in their eyes today which is what I hope to see everyday.  This morning while I was praying my Holy Hour before Morning Prayer I journaled that I hoped to be patient and loving this day with them.  They were the ones who showed me their patience and their love.  God's gifts are so great each and everyday.  Today though, I am grateful to Him for my children who show me His life each and everyday.

Immaculate Conception

Today is our Community Feast Day!  This morning we celebrated in prayer with one another and then at Mass.  At the parish Mass we renewed our vows publicly together.  Yesterday, I told all the kids that if they came to that Mass they would see how we celebrate this day very especially.  I was really touched by their presence, especially when after Mass was over they came up to say congratulations and happy feast.  I celebrated the rest of the day by going to the doctor for the cold I'm sure my little angels gave me.

I'm going to take a nap until evening prayer, which is unusual, however, seeing as I am sick, I need all the rest I can get.  Tonight we will pray together and have a little supper party.  The best part of this day is being able to renew our vows in the presence of the people where we live.  Our professions are made at our Motherhouse but the people we serve get an inside look on the vows on this special day when we celebrate and share with them as well.

SISTER!

When I first became a sister, I never thought I would tire of hearing people actually calling me "Sister."  However, after a long week in school after a week off for Thanksgiving... I would be glad if no one ever called me anything again!

I love my kids so much and I love school but they break my heart sometimes.  Sometimes, I want to say, "Please, don't say sister again!"  My love for them never ends, however, I quickly move in a matter of moments from disappointment, to pride, to fun, to sorrow, to happiness and many more!  I try to remember they are only in middle school, but I see so much potential in them that I am terrified they will let all that go in favor of what the world has offered them.

So today, the boys were telling me all about who is breaking up with who and who has a new girlfriend... I do love that they feel comfortable to tell me because I do try to be very open and available with them.  Then one of them said, "Sister (that was his first mistake :)  ), Joe is a player."  Now poor Joe is one of those all around great kids.  He's smart, polite, and popular.  He is a good kid - always helpful even when he doesn't need to be, always kind, always a gentleman.  I didn't know how to say anything I was thinking.  What came up was something like, "Please don't ever be a player... You'll break my heart - all of you!  You're too wonderful and special for that!"  The hard thing in middle school is that they never let you know if they are taking you seriously or not.  It is like planting teeny, tiny seeds that you never see come to fruit.  They are always there, and the kids might actually think about them sometimes, however, they would never tell you!

They then proceeded to start singing a song that has some not very nice lyrics which I stopped immediately.  They responded - "Sister, we wouldn't have said the next line, not in front of a sister, not in front of a lady."  So I guess that's a step in the right direction.

My point is really that it is almost impossible, except for grace, to counteract what our culture is doing to our young people.  I always have to tell myself that I just need to fall back on the fact that I have loved them, prepared them, guided them, and done my best to shield them from those things that can and will diminish their understanding of their own dignity and the dignity of others.  I hope and I pray that God will bless that and that even the word, "Sister" that they speak so often will be one that reminds them of love, peace, joy, and faith.  

Thanksgiving

Today I am giving thanks for the gift of community.  On Tuesday the kids asked me where I would be going to Thanksgiving.  While my convent is going to the convent down the street for our Thanksgiving dinner, I told the kids that the sisters celebrate all holidays together before doing any personal visiting of family and friends for the holidays.  My kids were upset and asked why we couldn't go home for the holidays.  I told them that some sisters don't have anywhere to go and we would never leave a sister alone.

They don't know this, but I am one of those sisters who doesn't have anywhere to go for the holidays.  I think a lot of people still take for granted that sisters come from wonderful Catholic families full of love and joy.  While I guess that seems to be true for the majority, for me it isn't.  It makes the holidays very difficult at times.  If we didn't celebrate together, I would be alone.  My parents are divorced and I don't have a family home to stay in.  I depend on community for companionship and that truly Christ-centered family love.

Our visit to the convent down the street for Thanksgiving was so lovely.  When we arrived the sisters stopped what they were doing to talk and chat in the community room until dinner was ready.  All was being kept warm in the oven when we went together to Chapel for prayers.  We got together to "swell the crowd" and we certainly were stuffed in together in Chapel.  It was such a nice way to share faith and community.  There was a beautiful prayer waiting at our spots in the dining room which we said together.  Then the feast began!  Laughter, tears, stories, fun, and joy flavored every minute of our delicious meal with one another.

It was also a gift to be with sisters I know well and sisters I've never met before and still feel welcomed and at home.  After all, our hearts and minds are one and no matter what we belong together to walk this journey to the Lord.  I can't help but think that our little gathering was a small beginning to "Preparing the way for the Lord." as we enter into Advent.  Where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there and tonight was a wonderful example to me of that true Presence.

So thank You God for my vocation, my community, my friends, my sisters, my consecration, my vows, and the love you have put into my heart.  Amen.

Chastity and Community

Well, believe it or not, I'm actually posting two days in a row.  This is just a super honest post about something I've been thinking and praying about lately.  I'm going to be totally honest.  Chastity is hard.

The tough thing about living with women much older than you is that they love love stories and romances.  There's nothing wrong with those beautiful hallmark movies about families and love and children and marriage and all that wholesome goodness.  However, when you come from a broken family and you've sacrificed that part of your life for the Kingdom, it does start to wear on you during the Christmas love story season.

On top of that, it is difficult at times to see children come in and out of your classroom where you love them with all your heart and  they don't realize it.  It is increasingly difficult I think for young women entering religious life to reconcile their lived family situations, which are increasingly difficult, with the experiences of many sisters with whom they live.  It is painful for me sometimes to think of the idea of family because of my own family experiences.  I've been wallowing in it a little bit these days.  I know that isn't the best or correct thing to do but it's just where I've been.

Anyway, tonight when I was wallowing, I got a phone call from a friend.  It is amazing what friendship in religious life can really do for you.  I became friends with this sister who is about 40 years older than me, when I took care of her sick sister, who was also a religious sister.  I only talked to my friend for ten minutes, and not about chastity; however, I left the call feeling loved, strengthened, and ready to continue on my way in spite of the sadness I've been feeling.

Community can both be a challenge and a blessing in trying to live the vows.  Sometimes we are so worried about being "holier than thou" that we shy away from challenging one another to live the Gospel more radically.  Sometimes we are so concerned with keeping up appearances that we forget to share with one another our struggles and needs, especially when it comes to chastity.  Sometimes we get so defensive we lose the freedom to be obedient.  In short, humanity comes in and makes things confusing and hard.

God is so good though because just when I think it is too difficult He takes care of me through the sisters He has chosen for me.    His ways are mysterious and as I told my kids recently, you can't find a better man than Jesus.

Super-nun

Sometimes I feel like Super - Nun.  This is not one of those times!  

Nothing really has happened to make me feel so 'bleh'.  It is just difficult being a religious, a teacher, a blood sister, a daughter, a friend, and a speaker.  In each of those categories a million other things are required and they never fit into the twenty four hours I'm allotted each day (which is something I've been meaning to ask God about!  Why such short days?! :) )  

As a religious I spend about two hours a day in scheduled prayer.  I live in community where I have charges to do and common life to participate in through meals, prayers, friendship, and chatter.  As a teacher I am counselor, friend, parent, confidant, grader, planner, and a million other things.  I still have a family that I never talk to and wish I could.  My friends are getting engaged and married and sometimes I can't even keep track anymore!

I love my life, but sometimes I live it better than others.  Sometimes I have so much energy and I get that balance so right and I feel like a million bucks.  Those are the times when I feel like super - nun.  When it all doesn't quite come together; when my emails are busting my inbox seams, when the papers, tests, and homework assignments are up to my eyeballs, when I'm running in the door just in time for prayers, when I'm going to sleep at midnight, and when I'm forgetting everything not attached to me... I wonder if I can actually do it!

This is one of those times... yet here I am blogging.  Maybe not the best use of time, but it does help put a name on this lack of "super-nun" feeling.  And it has given me some perspective.  Jesus didn't call me to be successful and to be super-nun.  He called me to be the woman I am in the life He chose for me in relationship with Him.  I have to learn to be humble enough to accept my shortcomings and failings.