Community and Confession

This past week has been an insanely busy one... it was especially hard because in my mind I know I should be on some beach somewhere relaxing and enjoying the summer... but instead, I was driving from one workshop to another and only stopping to sleep at my convent.  The rest of the time I was on the road.  I love being busy and I love to go to workshops and to work on different projects with different people.  I like to talk and to share ideas - but by the end of this week I was ready to crash.

On Friday night when I came back to the convent I dropped by bags on the floor of my bedroom and collapsed.  It was like 7 pm and I was out for the night, haha.  The next day I decided instead of going to the parish Mass in the morning I would sleep in and go to a nearby shrine that has confessions and Mass in the afternoon.  It is also a shrine that has significance for my community so it made it that much nicer.

I've been struggling this summer with some personal conflicts with some sisters.  (Yes, we have conflicts and broken relationships and negativity too.)  The basic situation is that I lived with these sisters at a very difficult time in my life and they were less than understanding.  As a result, I made some mistakes.  Because I "knew" that they didn't care - I didn't treat them as if I cared either.  Since then, I tried to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness for what I did wrong and while I have heard the words, "It's okay," the actions do not match that.  It is still being held against me.  Meanwhile, no one has ever apologized to me.

So I'm going to be spending a lot of concentrated time with these sisters this summer and I see the need for reconciliation.  I also know that I've done everything I can do to make that happen.  I see in the big picture of our future that we have to put these silly things behind us - but I think because they are so close with one another they don't see this need in the same way.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it and I was uncomfortable with my attitude towards those sisters and with the way I was feeling.  So when I went to confession I told the priest that I really felt resentful.  I also knew that I was holding onto it, that I was measuring who was "better" and who was "right" and how much I had done to mend these relationships and how little they had.  Of course I was the "better" and "right" one - so I included pride in my confession as well.

So Father was wonderful.  He spoke so passionately about how when these feelings come it is the time to pray and that's all there is to it!  There is no past, we live in the present and though the past colors it we have the gift as children of God of freedom.  So regardless of how my sisters choose to use their freedom, I have dedicated mine to living a particular way in the present and I will continue to try to reconcile.  I pray that they do the same and I know that they are trying to live the best that they can at this moment.  I have to remember that even if they don't put value on our relationship as sisters - they are putting value on something that is maybe more important right now.  We are all working on love - for God, for people, for community, for prayer - and somehow I'm sure it will all come together.      

Summer - Part II

Okay - so other than the cleaning and fun times - there are other wonderful things about summer vacation.  Although I am starting to miss the kids I am still reveling in the freedom from lessons, meetings, papers, grades and discipline.  I am also enjoying the great fun of connecting with lovely sisters who I haven't seen all year, who are my friends, who are visiting from far away, who are working with my on summer assignments... the list goes on and on...

This week only myself and another sister are home and a sister from far away came to stay with us and it has been lovely having her here.  Next week I have workshops for school in the morning and then I'm helping a sister friend with her job in the afternoons.  I'm sure it will be lovely and renewing.  It is just so nice to have a break from the school schedule of things.  Next week I have to wake up early each day and I'm dreading it because I have so loved this week of "later days"... meaning Mass at 8... another wonderful summer attribute.

I'm just so happy to be spending time with the sisters telling stories, laughing, playing around, working together and just enjoying one another.  Community is difficult sometimes but it is also such a great gift... Thank you Lord for my sisters... even the most difficult of them.

Summer and Cleaning

I've tried to write like ten times on the topic of summer - but it is just so wonderful I haven't been able to put it into words.  The feeling of my aching muscles after a day of manual labor, the late night chats with the sisters, the leisurely meals, quiet times of prayer, and laughter throughout the day... it's just great.  In these first three days without lesson plans, tests, copiers, paperwork, school books, papers, grades, and students I have enjoyed myself immensely.

All year I've been formulating plans for what I would do once this wonderful, free summertime came.  I have quite a few projects keeping me busy in the house... in fact, I've been cleaning since Monday.

The convent I'm living in now was "abandoned" so to speak for quite some time and there are a lot of places with hidden problems and tons of dust.  The other problem is that this convent was built for 20 plus sisters... currently it houses 5.  Of the five, only 2 are able to really keep up with the necessary work to keep the house in good working order.  You can imagine how much there is to do in an enormous convent like this for the youngest sister.  But I am happy to do it - and it is good for me to do something more physical than mental for a change of pace.  It is liberating to wipe all that dust away, move furniture, reassign towels and sheets to their rightful homes... it feels like a new beginning.  Plus - someone else cooks so I can work!

I feel so happy about how well this year has gone and yet there are things I've let go a little too long that I need to take care of in my personal life.  I must clean out that stuff too while I'm doing it for real in the house.  Tomorrow I'm going to take a very big step in cleaning out and sorting through some of my personal "stuff" on the inside and I ask your prayers for this meeting.  It will be difficult but I know good will come from it and that peace will follow whatever transpires.

School - Graduation

Tonight some of my kids graduated from grade school.  I am heartbroken.  I mean - I am so happy for them but at the same time it is a loss for me.  Teaching is so much a part of my heart that each child I meet becomes my own.  I have the blessing of listening to and sharing in their desires, thoughts, mistakes, dreams, and everyday life.  I will miss each of them as a unique expression of God's love in my life.

As this week went on I spoke to many of the kids individually about how special they are and how many gifts they have to offer God with the gift of their lives - how much I needed them to do that for the future of the Church and our world.  I'm just so proud of them and I can see all the grace and all the gifts that God has just filled them with - with the intention of them becoming great saints.  I told two of them I thought they had vocations.

Tonight was a happy one, in spite of my heartache, and after Mass we were celebrating with pictures and hugs and congrats outside Church.  I could tell one of the dads wanted to talk to me as he came over and I was in the middle of teasing a few of my dear "little ones" (who are in reality quite big!).  I went over as soon as they "freed" me from our fun and I was surprised by "dad's" interaction with me.  I love this family but I don't really have any special relationship with them.  They have a lovely son and are just all around good people.  But tonight, Dad hugged me and thanked me and I could see in his eyes that there was something he wanted to say - but he didn't say it, whatever it was.  I probably won't know what it is that was obviously important to him.

You can never know what you do for others and how much it is just a gift from God.  I wish Dad could have told me what it was he was thankful for... but maybe in God's plan for me it's better I don't know.  What I do know is that my heart is really touched by the beauty of God's plan for my life this year with each person I've encountered.  I'm happy that I've been able to tell them how much I love them, about how they show me God, about how proud I am of them.  It's hard to tell anyone that they are important to you but I feel good knowing that they know how much I care about them.        

Envy... Holy Envy... I don't know...

I envy families.  A lot!  I've talked briefly about my own family before here but not as the actual topic of a post.  Tonight it is.  It's hard for me to write about but I think it is important too.  I've felt in religious life quite often that I don't quite belong because of my family history.  Most of the sisters with whom I live and work view family in a very different way than I do.  I should say, they view their own family's differently than I do.  I think we have the same objective value of the family but our experiences are so different.  A lot of sisters I live with can't imagine not being devoted to their parents.  They can't imagine not thinking that their parents are saints in heaven... that they gave them their vocations.

Then, on the other hand, is me.  My family is broken.  I hate the way it sounds but it is the truth.  Throughout everything that has happened and everything I don't understand still - I never thought that it would all come together like it has now in my life.  God alone knew that that suffering I had to endure would prepare me to be the bearer of immense grace toward others.

I think the hardest thing about having such a dysfunctional family is the not-knowing.  As the child, no matter the age, you can never fully understand the effect of, the sequence of, and the cause of the events which forever change your world view and your understanding of life and then somehow you must pick up the pieces.  For someone as logical as I am - walking around with such doubts and insecurities is very difficult.  Every day I remember something new that didn't click when everything was "under the rug."  But now that my parents are divorced it sheds a new light on all the experiences I've had.  I wish I could understand all of them but I know that there is no way for me to do so... so I must live with the unknowing.

Anyway... now it serves me well.  The pain is still there and the discomfort is still raw... I imagine it will stay that way.  However... most of my students have this same experience and I offer it for them.  I share it with them.  My co-workers share this pain with me and they come to me with their experiences of family strife because I understand... and I think it is a sad gift now that I have been given.

There is certainly a reward in seeing the heart animate a face which has found understanding in another person's heart.  God is good in providing these loving moments of solidarity with one another to give the love that was lacking in other ways.  Blessings are always around.

Generosity and Gentlemen

I think it is really interesting being a young religious in a church that is aging in the United States.  I mean really... I'm the only person at Sunday Mass who doesn't have white hair at this point.  I know its different in other areas but where I am the truth is that I'm alone as a young person.  Which is why some socially Catholic things - if I might call them that- surprise me all the time!  Most often I'm surprised by manners and the generosity of others.

For example, last night I was at a function in the parish hall for a family.  Now my superior always worries when I'm out late because the neighborhood is kinda crazy - but I'm in my twenties - I'm kind of fearless.  I always say they should be worried about the other guy!  So as it hit quarter after 10, I started to say my goodbyes and go back to the convent.  Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised by this at all, but one of the dads walked me home.  I felt like I was some crippled old  nun, haha!  However, although it made me feel old which I hate, I liked that someone took the time to make sure that I got home safely.  It was a nice gesture.  I started thinking about my life before religious life and I don't think there were many men around who thought to care for the safety of a woman going home at night.  That's just one example though - when I'm taking the trash out the guys from AA run to the door to grab the bag for me before I step out, parishioners offer me rides when I'm out for a walk, people try to carry my bags for me, when I buy the soda and water the coaches come out from practice and bring it in the convent.

No, I'm not trying to highlight the perks of entering religious life (although it's a great life!) - I'm just surprised coming from our modern culture of equality between the sexes which has resulted in a loss of courteous behavior that some people still do these small acts of kindness.  I try all the time to instill in my boys in school those kinds of behaviors but it doesn't come naturally to them.  Even though their dads are a good example to them, they think it's old fashioned.  It is - but who is to say it's wrong - I say bring it back!  They are just getting the hang of it and they love to be complimented when they do the right thing.  Unfortunately, they now fight over holding the doors for me - but they'll stop beating each other up eventually... maybe when they are 30...40??.

Then there is the generosity of others.  I have had a tough week as far as generosity goes.  A priest I know gave me twenty dollars for helping him with something - I felt terrible and I tried to tell him I didn't need any money - but he made me take it.  So, I thought, I'll use this for the fundraiser the parish is having so it will go to charity.  When I got to the parish event - someone else paid for my ticket.  Then people paid for tickets to put my name in the raffle drawings.  So not only had I not given my charitable offering - I had actually gained in winnings.

What's a nun to do when she can't get rid of money??  I have a few other ideas but I'm hoping I don't get foiled... one of them is a nice treat for the kids.  We'll see if they deserve it after these last days of school, haha.  Either way - here I am - stuck between these two foreign cultures coexisting.  Sometimes, like today, they bang together.  I was at Walmart and I was standing in line watching the cashier watching me.  He was young and I saw him staring at me while he was ringing up the customer in front of me.  When he rang up my purchase he gave me my receipt and change and patted my hand and said, "God bless you, Sister."  Then he turned his light off for his break and offered to take my one bag to the car for me - on his break.  I talked him out of it but it was unbelievable.  Men never treated me so nicely when I was available and now that I'm not I'm continually surprised.  I think there is merit in religious life just for the culture and for society in general.  It isn't about me but somehow a religious inspires thoughtfulness and generosity and I think the visibility of religious is a leaven for a society which is becoming increasingly self-centered.

So there you have it, generosity and gentlemen in religious life.  I hope they are trends that continue!

Good Days

I've been really down the past few weeks.  I was nurturing some bad habits and some big time pride and it all caught up with me last weekend.  Basically, it was terrible.  I felt like a fool and God and I had a really big talk about how dumb I had been.  It wasn't like He was telling me with some big club held over my head - but I knew it in my heart with a very honest self-knowledge - the kind I rarely feel.  It's like I know how wonderfully made I am and how far I have fallen or cheapened God's gift to me.  I know His mercy is there right away - it certainly isn't a despairing moment - just one of truth.  There are no excuses, no questions... just an almost emotionless desire to end the habit or thought because of God.  I'm glad this time He didn't give me feelings of extreme joy, or desire for Him.  He instead gave me the grace in the moment to see truth and decide my response to it.

So here I am, tentatively and reflectively attempting to renew and rebuild!  It feels good to do some of this "spring cleaning" of my life and soul.  Since the soul stuff went so well - I decided to spring clean in the house and my classroom today too!  To me, cleaning is one of the most relaxing things I could possibly do.  I just love to clean.  When I say clean - I mean ceiling to floor scrub - not dusting and putting things away.  I'm talking serious cleaning.  It was great!

Now I'm in crunch time for the end of the year and I feel renewed to pack up my classroom and get ready for some busy summer adventures.  I'll keep updating!

The source of my annoyance - Napkins

Is there anything that really riles you up?  I get pretty intense about a few things but there is one that I am absolutely irrational about.  It doesn't even make sense to get mad about but I do! I think everyone has these things and I'm sure there is something that I do that makes other people, particularly the nuns, crazy!

You see, there is a sister in my house who is older and she is lovely - all the time.  She is a joy to live with.  She does a harmless and meaningless thing that drives me insane though.  It's ridiculous but I'm going to tell you anyway... after she eats - she puts paper napkins on all the place mats around the table.  I know - how could that make me angry?

The thing is I'm 20 -something years old.  I live in a world where everything is efficient.  It all serves a purpose and it is done in a methodical and practical way.  I've never lived any other way.  Anything less can be infuriating!  It just so happens that the two rooms in our house where we eat are both my charges.  So, these napkins are everywhere and before I clean the table I have to pick up all these napkins.  Sometimes they are even underneath the place mats.  It makes me wild... not with her... but just with the impracticality of the whole thing.

You would think, "oh, its a small thing... get over it."  And that is what I say to myself most of the time too... but it still bothers me.  Everyday when I clean it I cringe because it bothers me.  I am so tempted to throw all the napkins away or not put them back or tell her to stop putting them everywhere...  However, through the grace of God I am able to resist that temptation and in extreme discomfort, I put those carefully placed napkins right back where they were before I cleaned.

Community life is made of things like this.  I know that there are things that people do for me that are nice that I don't even know about or that they don't think I know about.  One time when I was sick, my superior cleaned my charge... she didn't tell me but I felt terrible about it.  She was taking care of me.  Sometimes I'll go down to the laundry and find my wash folded for me.  The sister who folded my laundry might have been thinking, "She can't just come get her own laundry!  Why isn't she folding this laundry!?"  We all lose our patience with one another but the struggle is to treat one another with charity and grace through it all.  It's a sure way to the heart of Jesus to love one another in close quarters and in a radical way.

 

Confession and Contrition

I almost always pray for more contrition when I'm going to confession - I just don't feel bad enough sometimes.  Maybe because I didn't grow up Catholic I'm missing a guilt gene or something.  I've definitely assimilated - ask my students, I work to instill a healthy guilt in them - but maybe it's still not deep enough.

On Saturday, I knew I only had a small window of time before judgment began at 6 to go to Confession and be ready to meet my Creator (just kidding - but I did think it was funny I was going to Confession right before the world was about to end!).  So I drove down to the next parish and waited my turn.

As I was waiting in line for Confession, I felt so lukewarm.  It was like I was in line at the grocery store or something.  I realized how I felt and I was disappointed in myself for being so casual about approaching the sacrament but somehow I still couldn't muster up much feeling for it.  So I just said to God, I know you want me here... I want to be here if not in my heart definitely in my will, so You need to bring whatever else I'm lacking.

Once I got into the confessional I waited a long time.  Father was taking his time with the penitent on the other side so it was me, the plastic-y kneeler, and the crucifix.  I felt a stillness inside, still no desire or feeling, but a prayerful stillness.

When I began confessing my sins I was amazed at how much feeling came into the words as I spoke them and how my heart opened up to share the deepest desires, fears, values and thoughts that motivate my actions.  It all came with more sincerity and honesty rather than as a laundry list of problems.  When Father began speaking I felt like I was talking to Christ.  I could see Father's face through the screen and I really saw Jesus speaking with me very gently while still full of wisdom and insights calling me to be better.  

It was such a blessed confession.  I always hold on to my crucifix as I pray my act of contrition and kiss it at the end of confession as I do each day when I put it on in the morning and take it off at night.  I felt very close to Christ in those moments.  I'm still pondering everything now because I don't think I have reached the depths yet of the experience.  I'm certainly grateful to God, and to Father, for the gift of the sacrament.

Freedom

Today I had a great experience of freedom.  Sometimes I watch the kids running like wild people at recess and I think - wow - that must be so much fun! haha.  Sometimes I play a little bit too!

After school today I went to the store to do some of the food shopping for the convent.  When I had paid and was on my way outside the sky just opened up and poured.  It was beautiful but everything was getting wet and I was rushing to try to get everything into the trunk of the car.  As I was getting a workout with my groceries I was hit with this great feeling of freedom.  My veil and habit were soaking wet, I was alone, and the rain was so beautiful - it was great!  At first I was thinking oh no I'm soaked right through, my shoes are getting messed up, my hair is totally wet... and then all my cares just melted away and it was freedom.

When I got back to the convent it was still pouring so I got to do it all over again!  After that I went in to prayers and dinner with the nuns.  I was so tired and I had a tough day in school - good but challenging - and I was ready to go right to sleep... My superior knew this had been a crazy week for me so she left a candy bar in my room as a little treat.  I felt like a kid... in a good way.  I felt like I had gone out to play, been taken care of, and was being sent off to bed for the night.  It was refreshing and comforting.

I don't usually relate well to the whole child of God thing, probably because my own childhood was so tumultuous, but today I felt very much cared for as a dear daughter of His and I am very grateful for that blessing.

Corrections

I hate this word - correction... I just honestly hate it.  Sometimes I try to act like I don't hate it.  Sometimes I try to convince myself that it is a growth in holiness to be corrected.  Maybe it is... however; it still stinks!

I don't know if I was corrected tonight but I felt like I was.  Either it was a helpful suggestion or a downright correction... I'm not sure.  Either way, my ego didn't like it.  Not at all.  I had some really high hopes for a little meeting I had today with a Sister but no matter how many compliments or applauds I get... those corrections stay with me and ruin it all.  Maybe I'm terrible at humility.  Maybe I have no virtuous motives.  Maybe all I care about is looking good to other people.  I don't know... but I do know that I hate to be corrected.

I know in faith that it is good for me.  I also know that I value deeply in community the fact that we are able to share with one another... sometimes it hurts.  Sharing with one another requires that I be able to admit my shortcomings, accept constructive criticism, share my desires and hopes, and think of Christ and His Church before I think of my own interests.  Community demands that I be able to both value myself and put myself, good and worthwhile, as last instead of first.

I think I might be praying about this struggle a lot in these next few  weeks and as the summer months give me more time with myself and with God in prayer.  Thanks be to God!  I hope that He enlightens me with peace and growth.

Family and Religious Life

I'm really only close with one member of my family - my brother.  I love my brother a lot.  He is my only other sibling and he understands me very well... and he's not Catholic.  He loves having a sister who is a nun.  I don't exactly know why, but I do know that we bonded very well when we both made life altering commitments against the desires of our parents about a month apart... we really threw them for a loop!  My brother went into the service a month before I entered the convent... it was not taken very well.

Today I went to a meeting at my community's motherhouse and then met up with my family who lives nearby.  I'm always happy to see them but I'm also always more aware when I leave the gathering of how different my life is from theirs.  Some of my family is Catholic... most are nonpracticing but it certainly makes for an interesting gathering when the nun shows up.  Today was mostly good.  It's hard to explain my life to people who have no concept of convent, apostolate, community life, living a Rule, vows... all of it!  They just seem like outsiders to me sometimes and I hate that.

It isn't that I don't love them... it's more like we live on two different planes.  And then when it comes to my parents - it's a whole other ball game.  I know... it's hard to imagine... but nuns come from broken homes too - myself included.   It's certainly more difficult but here I am and I just hope and pray that God accepts the carrying of that cross as an act of love for Him.

Summer in the Habit

Oh my gosh it has begun... summer in the habit.  Each year it feels like that first summer all over again - hot, sticky, hot, uncomfortable, hot, tight, hot, exhausting, hot, disheveled... I could go on.  Today was probably the hottest / most humid day so far this year.  School was brutal.  Imagine thirty, gross on a good day, middle schoolers all packed into a classroom without air conditioning.   God knows I love them but they are full of hot air and can't keep themselves... to themselves!

This morning wasn't too bad with the fans on and the lights off.  The kids were doing some science projects so I wasn't directly instructing them most of the time!  This afternoon took a turn for the worse though and by the end of religion class - filled with questions on the state of Osama bin Laden's soul - I was exhausted!  I thought... I'm grabbing my laptop and my books and going home!  Usually, I stay in school for a while after and work but it was just so hot over there.

When I got back to the convent I grabbed a cold drink and started my three floor climb to my room.  I never made it to the third floor.  When I got to the second floor there was a whirlwind of curtains all over the place.  They were hanging over the banister, over chairs, on the ironing board and my dear short sister was trying to hang them up.  I happen to be quite a tall sister so I stopped to help her.  Getting on a ladder and fighting with a metal rod was not what I had planned for the afternoon before prayers and dinner!  Anyway, I did it.

After dinner I raced up to the third floor finally... it was like a victory lap.  All I could think about was getting out of my hot and uncomfortable and now dirty holy habit and under the fan.  Now here I am!  The evening is cooling down a little but it feels like thunderstorms... which I love!  I'm in the middle of writing the last set of progress reports of the year for my darlings in school and I'm content that summer is here and very soon... I'll get over that first hot summer day of the year in the holy habit!

Reading the Mind of God

I know... it's not possible... don't worry I'm not suggesting anything heretical, haha.  But I cannot help but wonder sometimes what it would look like to see the whole picture of myself or of someone else's soul at a particular moment of grace from the eyes of God.  He obviously sees so much more but in that moment, for us to see, it would be breathtaking.  The past, present, and future of a person plus their unique makeup of personality, nature, dreams, hopes, fears, and sins all at the same time from one point of view - it's amazing.  And all of that perspective, all that knowledge at once fits into the equation of what grace to give... what God's will is for them individually.

I'm always trying to figure Him out... I love solving big questions.  I know this isn't one I can solve, haha... but I still always try.  When I know that there is a decision I have to make I think to myself, "How is He playing this round?"  I know I'm being fresh, haha, but I really do take it very seriously.  I think about what decision would be contrary to my own selfish will.  I think about the future effects of any decision.  I think about what I've done in the past.  I think about my usual sins, my usual goodness... I try to see the pattern, the design.  I never succeed.

I should probably just trust that God will give me the grace to follow His will when He has planned it.  However, I still am so fascinated by how He works that I just can't stop analyzing it.  I mean, try to imagine the way God sees you in each moment with all your complexities at once.  It's mind boggling.  Then add in the fact that you are part of the Body of Christ, all joined together - and He sees all of that at once... each of us individually and each of us together as one.  How can we not trust?!      

Heart to Heart

I'm avoiding it... the heart to heart talk... the inevitable.  I've been filling my time and my spirit with work, reading,  stress, cleaning, email, and many other insignificant things.  Even my prayer hasn't been prayer but more of a task to complete - and a difficult one at that.  I feel a very real desire to bare my soul, to pour it out, to share myself - but at times it feels like there is no place for that - in community, in spirituality, in my busy-ness.

At the Easter Vigil, Father's homily was very touching for me.  He said that the vigil is the time for us to revisit the place where we first met Jesus - the tomb of our hearts - where He raised us from the death of sin to our new life in Him.  I was thinking... yes... that is exactly what I need to do - to meet Christ again in my heart where I first encountered Him.

Father went on to say that the place where we were all gathered as a parish community was our Galilee of that very moment and that in all the universe that was exactly where Christ had planned for us to encounter Him - Risen!  For me - that meant where I was in community.  It meant that the sisters I was with were the disciples I was meant to bring Christ to.  At the same time, they are the disciples who are meant to bring Christ to me.

I have to be honest - I haven't felt that way recently.  Maybe I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.  I expect often a lot from community life.  I expect to be challenged, taught, educated, called, appreciated, corrected, and loved... but have I been doing the same?  Have I been putting my whole self out there - my faith, my heart, my convictions, my desires, my vision?  The truth is no... because I have been afraid of what the reaction would be.  I have been unwilling to be challenged, corrected, affirmed, and encouraged.  It is scary to share your heart.  But I know that right now it is what I most desire.

The other thing I desire is a spiritual director - but God has not seen it in His plan to give me one quite yet... I am getting desperate though so I ask your prayers that He puts someone in my path.

Good Friday Reflection

Well, my reflections from this Good Friday weren't so "good" for me.  I'm sure they are good for my soul but I don't think anyone ever looks forward to loss and sacrifice -  both places where God brought me in my retreat today.

I'm finding myself feeling more and more confused as I ask, "What needs to die in me?"  The answers are all things that I don't want to have to give up... or things that don't want to give me up.  I am sure that there are deaths that must happen for my relationship with Jesus to deepen and spread to those around me.  This time though, I don't feel the zeal or the fight to let those things die.  I can see quite clearly where I am going wrong and how I can fix it.  I can see how my life would be better.  But for some reason my heart is not jumping to act on this knowledge... and I'm not sure why.

I spent my prayer time today reading Jesus' Prayer for the Disciples - John 19.  It hits me anew each time I read it and I think it must be my favorite Gospel.  Here is one part that really touched me today.

"I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.

They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.

Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth.

As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.

And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth."

I can hear Jesus' impassioned prayer to the Father to care for each of His own and it amazes me that he could be so close to arrest and death yet so focused, not on Himself, but on me and on you.  And here I am, avoiding the death and sacrifice that is so necessary to what is happening in my church, my community, and my own soul right now.  Is that how I lost my zeal and my "heart"... by losing sacrifice?  I'm not sure.  What I do know is that it was unintentional but has now become learned and I must unlearn it with little or no feelings passion and desire to do so.  My mind is on one track and my heart is hardened on the other.

I'm sure this happens to us all at some points.  There are times when we are at our best and others when we are at our worst.  My best is when I'm working hard at a very focused task and when I'm praying and living well the community life I've been called to.  My worst is when I become preoccupied with my "image" - how I look, how people see me and when I feel stressed and out of control.  I know I need to hand this over to Christ but I'm having a difficult time doing that now.  I know who I want to be and how to be that... but the work - the sacrifice and the suffering - seem more than I can give right now.  I know that that feeling - the feeling of some task being beyond my resources - is really a very special opportunity to trust completely in the power of Christ's saving love.      

I know I must die to have life.  Christ please give me the grace to die the deaths I must die to truly be a follower of You.  I want to be close to You only.  Hold me in your Sacred Heart and let me respond to Your words alone.

Edited to add... Can you tell I need a spiritual director??  It's extremely difficult to find one! :)

It's all about me!

Actually... it's not - but I like to think it is.  I guess it's human nature to a certain extent to see the world around us in terms of how it affects us personally.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  I think, first, because of necessity.  I've been having to do a lot of reflecting at this time of the year so I've been a little focused on myself.  Secondly, I've been under a lot of stress and because of that I've been looking at all MY work, MY school, MY prayer, MY charge, MY time.

It's strange how something small can suddenly jerk you back into perspective.  For me, today, it was the simple fact that someone I care about hasn't answered an email from me for two days!  I know - how impatient - two days is nothing... but it was important to me.  Then I got an email from someone else about that person and I just felt my heart sink.  All of the sudden I realized that I was being really self-centered.  I couldn't rejoice with the other person because I was so caught up in myself.

It stinks to realize that it's not about me... it stinks to realize that I've been so full of pride and selfish.  But I'm thankful it happened.  I'm thankful I can see it now.  Perspective really makes all the difference in the things that happen.  I'm going to definitely take this to prayer now that school is ended for the holy days to come.

My Cross is your cross

This week has had me doing a lot of thinking in preparation for this holy week and I've come to focus through my prayer on something that has really touched me.  I don't know if I can quite put it into words because it is more of an experience but I'm going to try.

I have had a lot of suffering in my life.  Lots of that suffering has been suffering that I haven't been able to understand.  It has been confusing.  It has made me feel worthless, self conscious... just plain bad.  I get more and more in touch with that everyday that I am with middle schoolers.  Their own lives are such a raw picture of the suffering that I have somehow "made it through."  This week I've had students being beaten up by their parents, students failing, students hurting one another and fighting... It has been insane!

Those were just examples of what I've been thinking about though.  I've felt really called in prayer recently to penance and suffering for the sake of the Church.  The scandals, lack of vocations, moral deterioration, Church and school closings are all calls from God to step out of the comfort zone and into the unknown - an unknown that I am certain is filled with sanctifying suffering.

Each of us is carrying a different part of the one Cross carried by Christ for all eternity.  Each of us is blessed with a share in this saving, suffering cross because none of us can possibly carry the same weight Christ did once and for all.  I need for you (whoever you are) to carry your part of the Cross - because I can't carry all of it and in order to participate in the life of Christ I must pick up my Cross and follow Him.  I know intimately that this Cross was specifically chosen for me to carry for you so that you wouldn't need to.  You carry a cross for me so that I can carry my own.  We make up the one Body of Christ crucified on the one Cross of our Redemption.  As I look at all the pain in the world around me I see so many people offering up a suffering I could never offer.  I see others who make the offering of the Cross more and more difficult for those around them.

We are all called to carry our crosses.  The question I am faced with this week is; how have I been carrying mine?  Have I carried it well?  Have I united it with Your's? Am I offering my suffering for those around me?  Am I appreciative of the unique Cross each of my brothers and sisters carries for me?  How do I show my gratitude and love for each of them?  

Going back in time...

Do you ever wish you could go back in time?  I frequently do - but especially today.  I'm just too fiery for my own good and for the good of others sometimes.  I wish God would calm me down a bit because I'm so bad at prudence sometimes!

Have you ever known that you are right about something but haven't discerned correctly in the moment whether it was the right time, place, or person to discuss the topic?  That's exactly what I did today.  It wasn't the right person, time, or place to discuss what we did and I showed more than I was comfortable with of my emotions about the topic.  I wish I didn't - but I did.  Maybe I wasn't wrong in sharing... maybe I'm just uncomfortable with sharing my feelings like that.  Maybe I care so much about the topic that I felt too vulnerable, too raw - not "ladylike" enough.

Maybe, really, I'm just uncomfortable with being passionate about something.  It is as if sometimes there is a wariness in me about "rocking the boat."  I feel like there is this expectation that we don't talk about things that cause disagreement, discussion, emotion, and different viewpoints.  I don't know where the expectation comes from.  I'm not sure why I even entertain it... I'm not exactly a peacemaker most of the time.

I just don't know.  What is the right way to stand up for what is right?  How do you know though?  Is it only good when you're comfortable afterwards with what was said?  Or is it good that I'm disturbed and uncomfortable with what happened?  Is it an indication of passion and growth?  Or is it stubbornness and close mindedness?

I don't think I'm going to get an answer.

  

Daily Life, the Cross of Christ, and Prayer

I have this enormous crucifix in my classroom.  It is beautiful - dark wood, detailed corpus.  I've never seen such a large crucifix in a classroom but it definitely is helpful when I start a spiel to the kids about how Jesus died a terrible horrific death on the Cross and they should be able to give a pencil to the person sitting next to them, help pick up someone's books, do their homework, stop complaining... etc.  I get all serious and dramatic and point up at it and give my lecture - and surprisingly they listen in the little things and I know it makes a spiritual impact.  If only these little situations were the only ones.  Unfortunately, they have crosses that are much bigger.

They have parents who have betrayed them and their families.  They are shuffled from house to house according to a legal document.  They feel unlovable, unworthy, and unimportant.  They have to justify their very existence because most of them never see the love that brought them into the world.

I just read a study about how the brain feels emotional pain in the same way as it feels bodily pain.  I can honestly say that I have experienced and felt that abandonment, confusion, frustration, and pain that comes from family strife.  I'm sure that that abandonment and pain is united to Jesus on the Cross.  I'm sure that my students don't realize it but they are also held closely in the heart of Christ as they suffer that same pain.

The other day one of the teachers at school asked to talk to me after school.  We sat in her classroom and talked about our students, our own families, our own trials and sufferings.  We had tears in our eyes during most of the conversation.  She told me that her sister says she doesn't pray enough and that she should pray the rosary more.  Now, I love the Rosary... like super love it, so my comment was NOT about not praying the rosary.  It was in recognition of the prayer that was already happening in her.

God's grace really came to me in that moment bringing me to the realization that the carrying of that pain and those crosses each day  are absolutely moments of living prayer.  It is a true crucifixion.  Jesus wasn't sitting in a Chapel.  He was carrying a Cross.  He was actively involved in the march to His death and the crowd around Him.

Now it is my turn, and that teacher's turn to carry our crosses with Him for the crowd around us - our children, who will unfortunately carry their crosses in turn.  I can't quite explain the feeling and "knowing" I have that this is true - that this suffering is important to life, to the Church, to the Body of Christ.

It is a comfort to know that my suffering means something to Him.  It is a comfort to know that I can understand and share my suffering with others in love and hope and peace.  It is a comfort to know that that same love, peace, and hope are waiting, as gifts of grace, to our children.