Update!

Well, it has been a crazy March!  I haven't had a minute to myself in weeks.  Finally, this Saturday I could take a little holy relaxation!  That is probably why I am up so late because I just don't want this free time to end!  So, anyway, I think a post is in order.  Between school, community, and prayer there has been nothing but sleep in the middle!  However, I really feel very called right now to sacrifice and suffering as the future of religious life and I am happy to suffer and sacrifice because of fatigue, generosity, and zeal.

My community has been talking a lot about the future lately and I feel compelled to share some of my insights.  First, I am really blessed to live in a community where I feel I can share my own feelings and thoughts without judgement and while knowing that although not everyone agrees with me we all respect one another.  There really is a spirit of fraternal charity and the work of grace in our everyday conversations with one another.  At the same time, I think we are at a point where we have to be challenged and challenge one another to be the religious women we are called to be.  A sister recently told me, "Your religious life is your ONLY religious life."  You only get one and you are the only one who gets to live that particular life.  It was so amazing to hear someone verbalize that calling in such a profound way.  I don't know what is ahead for me but God has given me this religious life at this time for a particular reason - and the same is true for everyone else.

That very simple thought makes me feel extremely personally responsible for the future of religious life in my congregation.  What am I doing that furthers God's mission in the world?  How am I building up the Kingdom of God?  How am I witnessing to the relationship I have with Jesus to everyone I meet?  Am I really living the religious life I desire and God desires for me?

Now I will be busy all April answering these questions.  Holy Spirit - enlighten me!

Lesson Planning

Any teachers can appreciate the much used acronym, "SWBAT."  For those who are not teachers or who don't use this acronym all the time... it stands for, "Students will be able to..."  When I write my lessons for each unit I write a list of things that my students will be able to do by the end of the unit or lesson.  After the "to" I always begin my objective with a dynamic verb from Bloom's Taxonomy.  I know all of this sounds ridiculous (unless your a teacher) but it has some really practical applications that I hadn't thought of until this evening when I was talking to another sister about our religious life.

What if I changed "Student" to "Sister"?  What should sister be able to do?  Well, looking at the verbs from Bloom's Taxonomy I have a few ideas.

Sister will be able to...

1. identify God's presence in the people she serves and the sisters with whom she lives.
2. explain in word and in action God's salvific work.
3. be an example of the intimate relationship between God and each soul.
4. demonstrate charity and mercy working with justice and morality by showing compassion while still challenging God's people.
5. prepare for the coming of God's Kingdom.
6. differentiate between right and wrong and help others to do the same.
7. relate to her sisters as "one in mind and heart."
8. reconstruct the world around her to be in line with the values of the Kingdom of God.
9. justify her belief in her Spouse through prayer and knowledge, with the gift of faith, for all people.

Now, I'm sure I could come up with a lot more... and much more eloquent examples.  However, it was an easy way for me to meditate and pray over what it is that Jesus, the divine teacher, is trying to bring about in my heart and soul.  This is a quick, five minute, list of objectives.  It is a really easy way for me to both examine my conscience and look to where God is calling me.  What could God be calling you to be able to do?

March

Well, as far as my life is concerned, March is already a wash.  No free weekends, free days, time at all - just lots of new and exciting, exhausting and overwhelming, work and fun.  It looks like the storm before the calm is here.  Summer is coming but these next few months are going to be wild.

On Saturday I went to a funeral and then straight to the Motherhouse for a community meeting.  After the community meeting, feeling quite overwhelmed by what I needed to get done, my young nun friends and I went out for a little pizza and a lot of chat.  It was great to be together and just talk about what is going on in our schools and houses.  Although we are all inundated with tons of work it was great to take a little time to enjoy one another's company.

It's amazing how much a good friend does for the spiritual life.  I came back to my local house feeling refreshed and rededicated to doing my best to live religious life to the fullest.  It doesn't always feel like roses and rainbows.  It requires a lot of sacrifice and we all get rundown and unenthusiastic at times.  Spiritual friendships form the foundation to continue forward in charity and forgiveness to be better than before.  My friends helped me remember whose I am and who I am.

Prayers Please

With fear, I admit going to Dunkin Donuts again today.  Today though I went to get a little treat for a sister who lives in my convent but is currently taking care of her sick family member.  On my way to visit her, I stopped to get them some muffins as a little treat for them.

While I was waiting in line, a man came over and asked if he could pay for my order.  I said that I was actually getting a gift for someone else so he offered to buy me a cup of coffee instead.  I said yes, but only because I knew he really wanted to do something for a sister.  I asked his name and he told me so I held out my hand to shake his and he kissed my hand!  I've never had something like that happen before!  Well... the woman behind the counter said, "wow!"  That was my response as well!

Anyway, he was very sweet and told me that he hadn't been to church in a while and that his children weren't baptized.  He was really upset about both.  Please say a prayer for him that he has the courage to come back to us.

Well, It is 10:30 pm and I just got in the convent.  I know you are probably thinking..."What are you doing out so late?  Why would a nun be gone until 10:30?  Was she at a wild party?"  Okay, you might not ask the last one... but it's true.  I was at a wild party.

I just got home from a Home and School Association function for the kids.  I've been awake since 4:30 this morning and I have been working since then.  That's apostolic religious life.  I think sometimes people think that because we have more freedom in this way of life that we aren't "real sisters."  Maybe they think that we don't pray enough.  Maybe they don't think we should be out of the house as much.  Maybe they think that because we are out, we aren't with community enough.  I don't really know the exact reason.  But I thought I would give a really realistic look at my life today.  The real freedom is in being able to respond to God's movement, the needs of the people, and the structures of community living all at the same time.

I've already said what my normal day to day life looks like but this was a day full of schedule changes and special circumstances but it was also pretty awesome.  My life is a real balancing act because I am a religious called to be apostolic - to go out into the world to do God's work.  It is much different from being a monastic who, in addition to structured prayer and community life, does some ministry or work.  Intrinsic to my vocation is being with the people as a faithful witness.  This balancing act includes prayer, community, and apostolate and everyday is a different and new adventure.

Today after Mass at the nearby parish to which we drive each day, my sister principal and I stopped for a Dunkin Donuts treat on our drive back to school.  Sometimes the kids give us a gift card and we save it for special occasions (with the permission of the superior) - like the beginning of standardized testing.  We definitely needed the caffeine before a long day.  Once I got to school I took all my test materials out of my closet and was trying to straighten up my desk before I had a meeting with my grade partners.  For 40 minutes before school started we hashed it out (in a good way :) ) with our school counselor about a few kids with major issues.  Then we picked our homeroom students up from the hall and brought them back to the room.  As I took roll and got the kids unpacked they told me about Grandma being run over (I'm not kidding - she's ok but say a prayer for her if you can), a cousin who died, their punishment for not doing their homework and so on and so on.

When we were finished unpacking, we began our testing.  I used the time between giving directions while they were filling in all those bubbles to pray my rosary as I walked around the room to make sure they were in the right section and taking their time.

When they were finished we had religion class, lunch, and then I had one science class.  We said our afternoon prayers and I took my line down the street and said, "See you soon."  I talked really entertaining "trash" on how I was going to beat them at the activity that night and they cracked up laughing.  It was a fun walk at dismissal.  After that I went back to close up the classroom.  On my way out, a parent showed up about a demerit her child received from me.  So I had an impromptu and unfortunate parent conference and then left to get an early dinner in the convent.  I took my office book back to school with me and I was changing my decorations to Lent.  I took a break to pray and continued working on my decorations and on grading copybooks.

At 7, I went to the HASA event.  The kids were hilarious and we had a wonderful time.  It was also time that they were not spending roaming the city streets or getting into trouble.  It was time they spent working as a team, spending time with their teachers, parents, and friends, and just having wholesome fun.  But here it is, 11:00 pm now, and I'm writing on my blog.

If I was in a community where prayers were solemn-high at night on a Friday -  I wouldn't be there for these kids.  I pray for them ALL the time.  Prayer is vital to my life.  However, as an apostolic religious I have to take it when I can get it and let it invade my life.  The kids see that I pray.  They see that I love God because they are such a priority in my life.  They are there for so much of my prayer time.  School isn't something I fit in... neither is prayer.  They are both vital and frequently they overlap.

Basically, it's a great life.  It's an exciting life.  It's a challenging life.  It's the life God has called me to live for Him.  A stricter community is, objectively, more attractive to me; but I know the reason is because it would be easier for me (not for everyone, but for me).  I hate having to work things in.  I'm a very scheduled person and I hate having to be flexible.  I have a difficult time being moved by the Spirit and going with God's will.  I plan everything.  I believe God has called me to what is more difficult for me to stretch me and change me.  I have to find the time for each vital part of my life until they become one living reality.  It is difficult but it is the most joyful.  

Youth

Sometimes it is a tightrope act in school when trying to be there for the kids while at the same time being a professional.  Today I had one of those days.  I've said it before but my kids tell me everything.  The boys gave me a real lesson on a few phrases today which I found quite... interesting...   I'm still not sure about any of it but after we talked the kids told me how grateful they are that they can say what is going on in their life when they are with me and I don't yell at them.  I said to them... why would I yell?  What would it help for me to get angry with you for knowing something that is "bad?"  It isn't their fault that they know it.  If I'm mad at them for knowing... I can't exactly help them to live the Gospel.  I'm just pretending that they are something they aren't.  It isn't 1950 anymore.  

A week ago, I knew that one of my girls was in the middle of a difficult family situation.  I thought and prayed about it and, although it wouldn't be my number one choice, I chose to tell her about my own family situation.  They were so similar and I felt like I might be able to help her by telling her.  I kept some things to myself but I shared what I could.  Today she gave me a piece of paper with badly written paragraph on it.  It was kinda rambling; however, I got what she meant.  I wrote her back with a popular song lyric and a quote from JPII.  It was all about freedom and living life to the fullest amidst her own pain.

I hope all of it helps and brings fruit.  In faith I know that God will bring fruits that I will never know of.  It's just amazing.  Each time it happens I think how blessed I am to watch God work over and over again.  It is like seeing grace under a microscope.  I watch it move and change, grow and transform.  It is a science of it's own.  

 

Philadelphia

I haven't really identified too often where I live and I usually don't talk about particular situations but I feel like I'm ready to say what I've been thinking and praying about these past two weeks.

When I was in high school I converted to the Catholic Church.  My parents thought I was brainwashed by a priest.  I really didn't care.  I had finally found someone who really cared about my soul and I was grateful to God for that.  I was in college, before I was a sister, when the first sex abuse scandal broke in Philadelphia.  I remember being in Spanish class and having my teacher bring it up.  He was so insulting to the Church, in a Catholic college.  I walked out and reported him.  He told me he would fail me.  I really didn't care.  I knew it was an unfortunate and sinful thing that had happened but was being fixed.

However, I have to be honest when I say that I thought this was all behind us.  If you don't know... there is another grand jury report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia.  That's what I'm talking about.

Now as this next round begins; I'm a middle school teacher in the city.  Sisters and friends keep asking me, "Did you read what the Cardinal said?" "Did you see the news story on...?" "Has anyone at your house said...?".  My students eloquently ask, "What happened with those perverts?"  Now, I am normally the one who has read/seen/heard all the news on everything.  Most of my nun friends count on me to have the answers because I like to read and ponder and explore issues.  However, my answer these days has been "no" or "I don't know."

My "no" isn't because I want to pretend it isn't happening.  (Please, I work with 12-15 year olds... I don't get the luxury of pretending anything-they are like lie detector tests.)  My "no" is because I can't see that in my life right now my keeping up with this news is going to be the most fruitful or grace filled way for me to be present to the Church here.  My response has to be solution-oriented.  That is why it makes me so angry to see people protesting outside the Cathedral, spreading gossip and hearsay, and giving radio interviews about the whole situation.  None of those are solutions to the problem that is at hand.  They are simply talk and distraction from what God is really asking of us.

I'm sure that there are many people who would disagree that my approach is geared to a solution but I feel it truly is.  I am offering my sacrifices and my prayers for the Church in Philadelphia and I am trying to educate the future leaders of the Church here.  That is all that I can do.  I can see in the eyes of my students God's grace calling them forth to radical sacrifice and trust in His promise through these events which will shape their understanding of Church and holiness forever.  I can only rely on my own experience, that God brings forth great grace in times of great sin.  I have to believe that he will use even this terrible experience for the building up of the Kingdom.      

Then I look again at my kids... how do they make sense of this stuff?  We did talk about it in really general terms but the saddest thing is that they aren't even shocked.  They hear about this stuff all the time anyway.  Maybe it is better they don't get upset by it.  I don't really know.  I just know I'm trying to encourage them to live knowing that they are preparing for a future where they will be responsible for the unfortunate situation we are in now.  That's why I'm so proud of them.  They are living up to it though.  They are my hope.

I know it affects everyone in a different and daily way.  For me, I go to chapel in the early morning hours in the convent and I pray for our Church.  In my convent, the sister in charge of chapel put sign and candle in front of the altar saying that we are praying for our priests.  In my apostolate, I am trying to foster the spirit of loving sacrifice, perseverance, and selfless giving.  These seem to be exactly what we need... at least in my mind and heart.... during this time of sadness and pain.

I hope that God will accept my gift of self and the gifts that I know my students are offering for the Church in Philadelphia.  We have been blessed with saintly leaders like St. John Neumann and St. Katharine Drexel and I really believe God will give the grace to raise up more holy men and women to work hard - to give their lives - for the Church here.  I think my students find that exciting (except the whole body in a glass box thing - that kinda creeps them out :) ).

Jesus, please help us.  We have nothing if we don't have You.  Please enter the hearts of Your children and inspire in them radical faith, love, and hope to follow You unreservedly, knowing that You alone will fulfill their every desire.  Change our hearts Lord!        

Scattered

This morning I felt so much comfort in the response to the psalm at Mass, "In every age, O Lord, you have been our refuge."  This is probably going to be a really scattered post because I'm still thinking myself about everything that has happened in Philadelphia in the past few days.  Another indictment and another scandal has come out again.  It breaks the hearts of the people - the priests, the religious, the laity, the victims.  I'm still working it out in my mind and heart right now.  I have tried to post a few times but have stopped each time because I'm just not sure what to say.

I can't describe the sorrow I feel about everything.  I really do believe in faith that God is allowing us to experience this terrible mortification and purification right now for our own good.  When I look at the state our Church is in at this time I just wait and watch to see the great holy men and women God will call to do His work... to rebuild His Church.  My students fill my heart with hope as I watch their hearts slowly be enflamed through the purifying fire that is upon us now.

We received a letter to send home to parents after the news broke but the teachers were not allowed to comment on it.  My kids being the holy-rollers they are, wanted to read it right away when they saw it was from the Cardinal.  As I told them to put the letters in their backpacks they reminded me, "But Sister, this is important.  It's from the Cardinal!"  The next day they wanted us to talk about it again.  I wish I could have but I was under not permitted to do so.    Instead we spoke about how God could be calling them to be the hope and the future of the Church.  A few days before we were talking about the story of Abraham and the idea of sacrificing our wills.  My students came up with a few ways they could try to sacrifice their wills.  They are really competitive so it wasn't hard at all for me to get them to think of the best way to beat themselves!  They decided that they would offer one of those sacrifices for the Archdiocese of Philadelphia without any prompting of my own.

How much will God listen to the sacrifices of His dear children in response to the pain and hurt of His children before?  I believe their sacrifices will be what saves us.

I have to be honest when I say that I am angry at those who have caused this to happen to our Church.  That is not to say that I believe everything in the media but that I'm sure what they report has happened at some point and I am furious with a righteous anger that we have been betrayed as a Church and as children of God.  I am also convinced that God will raise up leaders whose holiness will be a brilliant light for the world.

We are at such a unique time where the sin of the world has entered into the Church and we are losing more and more everyday - not to say that there aren't any hopeful signs - but to be truthful that it is a difficult time for anyone to follow Christ.  I really believe that there will be a new springtime of generous sacrifice, radical love, and deep conversion to living the Gospel.  At the same time I hope they don't resent the rest of us too much for our shortcomings.  They have been failed.

Please join with me in prayer that God does for us what we need... that He cares for us as His children and that He protects the children under our care now and always.  Jesus, we need you!  Amen.

Hope

This week my convent had the joy of having one of our sisters stay with us.  It was lovely.  Today she came to school to see my classroom and my students.  Of course, I was bragging up and down about them.  "They made Confirmation this year and they are so holy and wonderful..."  And they really are, usually, pretty holy for sixth graders.  They may not always make the right decisions but they definitely have consciences that work.  When something happens sometimes they turn themselves in before I even find out about it.  It makes my heart fill with happiness to see what wonderful young men and women they are.

However, that picture was then shattered this afternoon - okay... I'm being dramatic.  It wasn't shattered but it did take a heavy blow.  At dismissal the boys were talking to me about the dance that a local Catholic, not school, organization has for them monthly.  They said, "What if Sister came?"  "I wouldn't go."  I acted very offended (I wasn't; I just know they think it's funny when I act like that because they giggle and giggle) and asked why they would ever not want me around.  After all, I'm the best Sister they have (and the only one!).  

I was so sad when they really told me why they wouldn't want me there - because of the way they "dance."  Yes, I know it has a name but I'm not going to even repeat it here.  I guess maybe they thought I wouldn't know it, but I'm in my twenties so I know everything they are talking about.  It just broke my heart to hear that they think that is okay to do.  They don't understand even a little bit how terrible it is.

So here is my dilemma... the world is taking over our children.  I don't feel like we can compete... other than by our faith in Jesus that He will be present to them.  But we have to be doing something wrong.  Or there has to be something more that we can be doing?  I don't know what it is though.  A few ideas for the moment are; modelling, sacrifice and penance, and intentional prayer for them.  We really are in a battle for the future of our world and for the salvation of souls.  It is increasingly difficult to form a good conscience everyday.  Everyday there is a new assault on things good and beautiful and right.  Whether it comes from the TV, the parents, the friends, or the neighborhoods... or all of them, our kids are being sucked in without a chance to a way of living that will never give them the true peace and joy that comes with a life of love.  

I know one conversation doesn't mean the world is over... but one conversation can be very telling - and this one was.  Pray with me that God calls up new leaders and new models for our young people and that they respond wholeheartedly to His call to live and love in faith.      

My Nuns Rock!

My local convent community is basically awesome.  This is my first year here and these sisters amaze me with their generosity and hospitality ALL the time.  Whatever shortcomings we all have... together... we are a really great group.  I'm so grateful to God for putting me in this community with these particular sisters.

This weekend I realized all over again how awesome they really are.  I asked to invite a large group of young sisters to stay at our house overnight so that we could recreate and be together.  They said yes and were thrilled to have the youngin's invade the house.  We live in a rather large house for the number of sisters here so there is a lot of room.  As part of our community spirit of hospitality I got all the sisters rooms ready for them before they came; beds turned down, towels out, extra blanket ready, homemade welcome sign, and a little Valentine gift on their beds.  I had a lot of fun, haha.  I love to entertain.

After everyone arrived safe and sound, well almost sound... this was Catholic Horrors...ummm... I mean Catholic Schools Week, we found out that one of the sisters had a little gift for us too.  Her superior gave us a little donation to get a bite out to eat.  We went for some wonderful food and talked, talked, and talked some more... about convent life, prayer, community, school, students, friends, family... and anything else we could think of.  When we got back, we joined the nuns in the community room and chatted for a while again.

When the majority of the group had fallen asleep in their chairs we got everyone up to bed amidst a lot of giggling and smiles.  It was just great to be together.  We slept in and went to a late Mass... after which we continued talking and just enjoying one another's company.

Bottom line is... other nuns might be annoyed by a bunch of giggly, loud, and goofy young nuns hanging around but mine are awesome (obviously we aren't disrespectful but it is nice to let loose with one another).  They were just happy to share our convent home with other sisters and enjoy one another's company.  It was great.

So now I am feeling quite happy and energetic about everything.  I love this feeling... it is definitely God's way of telling me to keep going and enjoy the exciting ride of religious life.  He is so present in that hospitality and goodness of the sisters with whom I live and I love to see Him there all the time!    

Can there really be more?

I have already lost count of how many snow days we have had here... but it seems like each week we are off from school once again because of a freak snowstorm.  Today was another day.... tomorrow will be another.

Today I spent about three hours with some of the boys trying to dig the convent cars out.  They are adorable but I'm not sure if I will be able to get out of bed after shoveling for so long.  We only got one car out!  One car after three hours of work.  I can't believe it!  Also after the three hours of work we had hot dogs and a snowball fight.  That was their pay for all their hard work!

This year I chose as my yearly intention the survival of Catholic Education.  However, I am wondering more and more about the survival of education period if we are never in school!  Now again we are hearing that there will be another storm next week.  The kids are loving it, but as a teacher, I am exhausted with the lack of instructional time.

I love being a teacher and being in school.  I wonder all the time how we can respond to the needs of young people through Catholic education.  It is getting more expensive, enrollment is going down, we are losing our ability to be in the worst neighborhoods, discipline is lacking because of family dynamics - and we have more and more students who are non-Catholic (not a bad thing because it is evangelization, but we must educate our own children.)  Another struggle is forming young men and women into the adults God has made them to be when their lives are filled with over-sexualization, partying, lack of self-discipline, and lack of motivation.  We have to be everything to them and there are less and less sisters teaching in schools who can be available all the time for our children.

Just some thoughts on the situation as we approach Catholic Schools Week next week - if we are ever in school again!

Germs and Community

Sometimes it is good to take stock of life... almost always it doesn't measure up to expectations though, haha.  These past few days I have been at workshops and I have a wicked cold so I have been like a ghost in the convent.  They see my shadow move around... to get tea, sometimes venturing to get food... but not much else.  To be honest... I miss the nuns!  I miss Jesus in Chapel!

Now, I wouldn't be such a ghost if the circumstances were not out of my control, however, it does make me realize how important those parts of my life are... and how easily I can forget them.  Tonight when I ventured downstairs out of my bedroom to get some tea for my cough I thought... how long has it been since I've been in the community room?  The answer is a few days.  I hate that!  But I've been sick and leaving early and coming home late from workshops.  It isn't always like this.

Tonight though I found myself thinking... is there anyone out there?  It felt quite lonely to not have seen anyone in a few days.  I don't know how some sisters do it; living in apartments or doing jobs that keep them travelling frequently.  I would find that so difficult.  I love my nuns.  I love living in community and I love living with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

We always joke.  When someone is sick the nuns always say, "Stay in the same temperature."  It really translates into, "Please stay in your room... we don't want your germs."  That's where I am right now... I've been exiled so I'll just have to wait it out.  I know the nuns will welcome me back without my germs as soon as I get rid of them.

Vocation Awareness

Well... I just wanted to say I was grateful for the comments on my last post.  I'm going to put it on the side burner until I get a little perspective... or distance, from this strange encounter I have had.  In other news... it was vocation awareness week this week and I tried to make my dear students very, very aware.  I know, I always say it, but, they are the best kids in the whole world.

Many of them, as their hormones rage in middle school, say that they would not want to be a priest, sister, brother, consecrated virgin...   I love their honesty and questions and I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything in their hearts and minds.  It is interesting to me that the sixth grade boys tell me everything, the eighth grade girls tell me everything and seventh grade, boys and girls, can't keep a secret to save their lives.  It makes them all the more endearing to my heart!

Anyway, the other day, one of the girls in eighth grade was giving me the update on the two boys who are both attempting to win her affections these days.  She is just a beautiful girl who has had a very difficult family life but has matured with the help of God's grace.  I listened as I always do and gave her my advice... (one of the boys seems much nicer than the other!).  Her homeroom teacher came to me at the end of the day and told me that she said that I was the "perfect nun." HA!  Her reasoning was that I "was holy, but still understood the business..."  It made me really happy to hear that - even though I'm not holy... she is right that I understand "the business."  It isn't that long that I have been out of the dating scene and I think I do "get it."

After that, one of my boys came to talk to me about something I told him the other day.  He was goofing off with one of the other boys.  They really are good kids but it certainly wasn't the most respectful conversation as far as women go.  I said to him, "If I were (the girl he liked), my feelings would be hurt right now."  He said to me, "Sister, you were right.  I talked to 'Mary' last night and she was upset about what I said.  I said I was sorry and it's alright now."  I won't lie... I definitely was happy to hear I was right! haha.  But I was happier that he learned something about how much it matters how he acts.  He is really a leader among his peers and if he knows how to behave, he can influence many of them to behave like young Catholic men.

No matter what my girls or boys choose to do with their lives, although I hope and pray that they follow God's will for them, I will be proud of them for their decisions.  I know that they are growing into mature and responsible young men and women.  I thank God so much for the opportunity to walk with them.  It is such a gift to me to be able to see His grace operating in their lives.  It fills my heart with gratitude and love as I watch them grow into God's own special gift to the world.

Religious Habit

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about the habit.  I've had some uncomfortable experiences in the past few months regarding my habit and so I have been trying to work it all out in my head and heart and for some reason, I feel like sharing.

My take on the habit is that it is absolutely necessary.  My community has some options and to be completely honest - I hate it.  I wish we all wore the same thing all the time.  However, we do wear a habit and for that I am grateful.    The style of habit I wear is definitely in my opinion - "poor, modest, and becoming."  It is practical for the work I do and the place I live and it certainly offers a witness to the people I meet.  

However, my recent experiences have left me questioning my attitudes about the habit and the attitudes of others.  It doesn't make me uncomfortable when people point out how happy they are to see a young sister in a habit - it is a normal and appropriate conversation piece.  However, when a grown man tells me that I'm too young and beautiful to be a sister - a red alarm goes off in my mind.  When someone stops me in the store to ask me where I work and what community I am in - I happily answer, with as much information as I can safely give.  However, when someone asks to touch me (yes - I'm not joking - this did happen) I am extremely uncomfortable.  I mean - how do you graciously answer that question?!  

The above examples being strange - I would also add that others are just plain scary.  While I love that the world knows that I am a spouse of Christ because of my habit - because of that witness I can also become an easy target.  I didn't realize this until very recently when a man (a man who should have known better by his state in life than to say this to me) stated, "You should be careful, many men will find you attractive because you are young, pretty, and in a habit."  (His intention was not to honestly warn me.)  

Since then I have found myself extremely uncomfortable in a few situations and I have been asking myself a few questions to which I still have no answers.  Should I stop wearing the habit I now wear in favor of a less feminine version?  Does the veil always incite this type of attention?  Are there times when it is appropriate, prudent, and justifiable not to wear the habit for the safety of oneself?  Would people identify me as "less of a nun" if I wore a habit that was not as traditional as the more feminine one I wear now even though it is still blessed?  How do I continue to give an open, approachable, and honest witness while still guarding myself from the inappropriate comments of others?

So those are my thoughts at the moment on the habit - not the most religious and inspiring, but a struggle that I'm sharing for now.  I hope it wasn't too much to share, but I do feel like sometimes the issue of the habit isn't talked about with a lot of openness and understanding and I just wanted to shed another light on it.  Let me know what you think.

Panic and Peace

Well... here is the update... I've lost it all.  There is no retrieving any of my information on my broken flash drive. I have been spending quite a bit of time trying to make up for so much lost work so I haven't been writing too much.

I bet many of my kids had a little breakdown before they had to come back to school after a whole week off.  I mean, it's daunting to have time to be free and then know how much work is ahead of you.  I had the same experience right before school started back up again this week!  While I stayed pretty calm for a few days after the flash drive incident when I went to school to get prepared to teach this past week I was very very upset.

When I told the kids what happened their first question was, "Did you cry, Sister?"  The answer is YES.  It was so overwhelming to lose so much work.  I didn't even know where to begin again.  I had everything planned for the year.  What I realized though was that God was shaking me up a little bit.  Everything has been going to well for me but it has been due to my reliance on myself and not on Him.  I don't think HE broke my flash drive, haha, but He did use it for His own purposes.

I really think that feeling uncomfortable is a sign for me of God working in  my life.  Anytime I get too comfortable with myself, my apostolate, my prayer, my community; I see God throw some loops into my perfect world so that I can practice trusting Him and allowing Him to be in control of my life.  I have a really hard time doing that.  Discomfort lets me know that I'm on the right path.  That discomfort forces me to be more intentional in the way I live religious life and the way I serve God's people.  It's a great tool for me to grow.

So, while my lost flash drive is a huge setback in my schoolwork, it is a forward movement in relationship with God.  I'm trying to remind myself of that as I work through the weekend.  Thank God it snowed and I wouldn't have been able to go out anyway!

Panic!

My flash drive just broke in my computer... it has all my schoolwork on it... all of it.  Tests, Quizzes, Notes... Everything.  Please pray that I can recover these files.  I just was saying the other day that if I lost that flash drive... well it would be bad.  Now here I am.  I will be lost without this stuff.  Please pray!   I am extremely grateful!

Out and About

This is one of the best weeks to be a teacher... because you're off all week.  Our sisters usually use this week to visit other convents, their family, and friends.  It is nice to have some less structured time to be able to nurture the relationships that God gives us.

I went to visit a sister who I am good friends with last night and I stayed over at her convent.  We had a wonderful time catching up on everything going on at the convents, talking about community stuff, and taking notes on school things (we both teach the same age group... which means good ideas from one another!)  It was so life-giving to spend some time with someone who really is a friend in the spiritual sense.  You can't share with everyone your struggles, imperfections, successes and heartaches.

I'm thrilled to see the world picking up on growth in religious life for many communities, especially in the recent spotlight on the Nashville Dominicans.  I would hate for anyone to think I'm being petty, but it isn't the same for all communities who are really faithful.  My community has always been faithful to Church teaching and we just aren't growing in the same way they are so I have a different experience of community life than some of those sisters do, which is good, not a bad thing!  I'd just like to give voice to my own experience.

I was realizing the other day that I really have no day to day contact with peers.  The sisters with whom I live are all older and I teach middle school students.  I love community and I love school but there are times when I miss very much the interaction I have with people of my own age.  The sisters with whom I live are very intentional in allowing me to be young... in fact I think it entertains them to entertain me but they sometimes can't relate to everything going on in my life.

That's why it is so great for me to have a religious who is a friend.  We have the same generational experiences and so she helps me to be able to understand my struggles and joys in the context of religious life and my own life experience in a way that someone much older wouldn't be able to.  It isn't a downplay of the older sisters at all.  They offer me wisdom and example that I can't get from anywhere else.  They challenge me to live religious life radically.  They just might not be able to sing along to the same song on the radio or go to a freezing cold soccer game.

There also comes the points of temptation in our world now.  Many things that come on the TV or movies or out of our student's mouths are not up to Catholic moral standards.  I hate to say this but... it goes over the older sisters heads sometimes.  A rainbow to them means hope, to me it means homosexual rights.  The word gay means happy to them.  Eminem is a candy, not a rapper.  A player is in a board game... not the dating world...  The list could go on and on (I tried to use the most G-rated examples I could think of!)  But this doesn't even mention the unwanted attention I receive sometimes as a young sister in a habit that can only be described as inappropriate that they might see as being complimentary.

We all have to talk about it, and I'm grateful to have a friend who gets it and can offer solutions and support for all the ins and outs of religious life in our world right now.  Hopefully, I do the same.

Christmas

These past two days have been so wonderful and I am just terrible.  I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.  I love my life, I love religious life.  I love the sisters I live with and I love what I do.

In my convent, which is relatively young, the next sister in age to me is over 20 years older than I am.  I am the youngest sister in my whole community and it's tough being the youngest - not impossible, but still hard.  Part of it being hard is that God is in it.  If He weren't in it, it would be easy, simple, and wonderful all the time.  But it's not and so I know He is really here.

Today I was annoyed.  I was annoyed at the preparations for dinner.  I was annoyed at the crazy nun-dom stuff that happens.  I was annoyed at Mass.  I was annoyed at things people said and did.  Ugh, I was just terrible.

I tried to remind myself that it isn't about things being perfect because Christ came into this imperfect world in a really super imperfect way.  Nothing was ready; nothing was pretty, nothing was regal... It was all love though.

It is so hard to balance everything and to do it all perfectly and I realize more than ever now that it is completely impossible.  There is too much in everyday life.  There are only 24 hours a day and much more to be done.  I'm still going to do my best but I'm not working towards perfect anymore... I'm working towards love and selflessness.  I can't possibly be perfect... I can't live in the perfect circumstances... But maybe, I can do what Jesus did in imperfection and love.

I expect to be blogging more this week... we are having a major snowstorm.  I'll be with the nuns all week which will be a plus for my love in imperfect circumstances.

Prayers for all this holy season.  Merry Christmas.

There are so many things you can't do when...

you have no voice!  The past few days of Christmas preparations and last days of school have been interesting since I can only whisper.

I had to elect a spokesman in school to make all of my announcements and give directions to the students.  They were thrilled with this but still told me they hoped I would feel better for Christmas.  Today one of my boys came over with a present for me and was very entertained that I still couldn't speak and was cleaning when he came to the convent.

I'm feeling fine but my voice has just escaped me.  Do you think St. Anthony works on things like this?  I'll have to ask him to help me out.

Today all the nuns were around and about cleaning and decorating and doing last minute wrapping.  We were answering the door every other minute as people brought us beautiful baked goods and lovely Christmas offerings.

This evening though was the most touching.  I went out after I was finished working in the house to get my hair cut and to pick up something to help with my throat.  When I walked into Hair Cuttery, a man offered me his seat.  He was handsome, maybe a few years older than me but still young.  The woman next to me was called and he sat down next to me.  I was very impressed with his kindness and he began to tell me that he hadn't been to church in a while.  He seemed a little bit nervous but finally he asked me if I knew anything about a cross he was wearing that had some symbols on it.  I didn't.  He very nervously made a comment about my ring being on the ring finger of my left hand.  I think he must have been really checking out the nun thing to notice such a small, though meaningful, part of my habit.  I explained to him that when I made my vows the priest put this ring on my finger while saying that I was betrothed to the eternal King and I showed him the engraving.

He was called back and he offered me his hand and wished me a happy Christmas.  I know it doesn't sound like much but I could tell by his facial expressions and the way he spoke that he was touched by meeting a sister.  It just goes to show that we are all responsible to bring Jesus into the world - to make Him visible to others by our lives.

Jesus, come into our hearts and make us more like you.

Well... someone did cry...

Well, someone did cry because it is Christmas.  It was a student.  Actually, it was many students.  This week I've had probably about ten kids crying their little eyes out.  There is so much pressure in the lead up to Christmas with report cards, Santa, Demerits, last minute school work, and other goofy antics that cause them to get into trouble and hurt themselves.  Basically, I've been a damage controller all day.  It is exhausting!

Last night the eighth grade girls came over to decorate the convent for Christmas.  It was a lovely night.  It is so nice for me to be able to chat with them outside of school.  They gave me the dirt on all the love connections and asked me for all the "convent dirt."  "Do you always get along with the other sisters?" "Do sisters ever say bad words?" "Do you ever wish you had a husband?"  "Do you ever wish you had kids?"  "What if you don't like what's for dinner?"  "Who does the food shopping?"  It made it well worth it to endure the tears and chaos in school these days to spend time with the girls as we trimmed the tree and goofed around.

Today it snowed!  The kids are aware that I love the snow and immediately turn into a child when I see it.  They were a big bundle of giggles as the snow fell and we didn't get a whole lot of schoolwork done.  However, after all the tears, they did need a little bit of a break.  At dismissal time one of the buses didn't show up and so I had a bunch of kids in my classroom while we waited for the bus to be sorted out.  One by one they left was parents and friends came to pick them up until I was left with a little first grade girl, Mary, and a seventh grade boy, Justin.  I never met the little girl before but my seventh grade friend is quite a character.  He is always in trouble and always doing something fresh.  For some reason I love the fresh boys so we usually get along but I always worry about him.  He is always being written up and staying for detention.

Mary started making me play silly games and Justin looked a little disgusted with how goofy I was being with her.  Eventually though he started to warm up and was laughing and being a fool right along with us.  After about an hour of waiting I picked up a styrofoam ball that was going to be used for a science project later and I just yelled, "snow ball fight" and I threw one at Justin and one at Mary. I thought Justin would be too cool for my game but he started throwing it back and I saw something in him I never saw before.  He was enjoying himself like a kid, with no concern about whether he was keeping up his appearance of not caring, and without trying to prove himself.  It was beautiful.  The sad part was that his facial expression told me that he couldn't believe that he was being allowed to just be a kid and be loved and enjoyed.  I wonder if he has never experienced that before.  I also saw that he was shocked that he was being allowed to be a goof with me, and that I actually was enjoying him as a goof.

It made me realize that the late nights, the painful feet, the papers, grades, and parents are all worth it for moments when a child realizes that he is loved and respected no matter what.  I hope he remembers it.  I hope he knows that he really is loved and liked at the same time.  I hope he knows he can count on me.