The source of my annoyance - Napkins

Is there anything that really riles you up?  I get pretty intense about a few things but there is one that I am absolutely irrational about.  It doesn't even make sense to get mad about but I do! I think everyone has these things and I'm sure there is something that I do that makes other people, particularly the nuns, crazy!

You see, there is a sister in my house who is older and she is lovely - all the time.  She is a joy to live with.  She does a harmless and meaningless thing that drives me insane though.  It's ridiculous but I'm going to tell you anyway... after she eats - she puts paper napkins on all the place mats around the table.  I know - how could that make me angry?

The thing is I'm 20 -something years old.  I live in a world where everything is efficient.  It all serves a purpose and it is done in a methodical and practical way.  I've never lived any other way.  Anything less can be infuriating!  It just so happens that the two rooms in our house where we eat are both my charges.  So, these napkins are everywhere and before I clean the table I have to pick up all these napkins.  Sometimes they are even underneath the place mats.  It makes me wild... not with her... but just with the impracticality of the whole thing.

You would think, "oh, its a small thing... get over it."  And that is what I say to myself most of the time too... but it still bothers me.  Everyday when I clean it I cringe because it bothers me.  I am so tempted to throw all the napkins away or not put them back or tell her to stop putting them everywhere...  However, through the grace of God I am able to resist that temptation and in extreme discomfort, I put those carefully placed napkins right back where they were before I cleaned.

Community life is made of things like this.  I know that there are things that people do for me that are nice that I don't even know about or that they don't think I know about.  One time when I was sick, my superior cleaned my charge... she didn't tell me but I felt terrible about it.  She was taking care of me.  Sometimes I'll go down to the laundry and find my wash folded for me.  The sister who folded my laundry might have been thinking, "She can't just come get her own laundry!  Why isn't she folding this laundry!?"  We all lose our patience with one another but the struggle is to treat one another with charity and grace through it all.  It's a sure way to the heart of Jesus to love one another in close quarters and in a radical way.

 

Confession and Contrition

I almost always pray for more contrition when I'm going to confession - I just don't feel bad enough sometimes.  Maybe because I didn't grow up Catholic I'm missing a guilt gene or something.  I've definitely assimilated - ask my students, I work to instill a healthy guilt in them - but maybe it's still not deep enough.

On Saturday, I knew I only had a small window of time before judgment began at 6 to go to Confession and be ready to meet my Creator (just kidding - but I did think it was funny I was going to Confession right before the world was about to end!).  So I drove down to the next parish and waited my turn.

As I was waiting in line for Confession, I felt so lukewarm.  It was like I was in line at the grocery store or something.  I realized how I felt and I was disappointed in myself for being so casual about approaching the sacrament but somehow I still couldn't muster up much feeling for it.  So I just said to God, I know you want me here... I want to be here if not in my heart definitely in my will, so You need to bring whatever else I'm lacking.

Once I got into the confessional I waited a long time.  Father was taking his time with the penitent on the other side so it was me, the plastic-y kneeler, and the crucifix.  I felt a stillness inside, still no desire or feeling, but a prayerful stillness.

When I began confessing my sins I was amazed at how much feeling came into the words as I spoke them and how my heart opened up to share the deepest desires, fears, values and thoughts that motivate my actions.  It all came with more sincerity and honesty rather than as a laundry list of problems.  When Father began speaking I felt like I was talking to Christ.  I could see Father's face through the screen and I really saw Jesus speaking with me very gently while still full of wisdom and insights calling me to be better.  

It was such a blessed confession.  I always hold on to my crucifix as I pray my act of contrition and kiss it at the end of confession as I do each day when I put it on in the morning and take it off at night.  I felt very close to Christ in those moments.  I'm still pondering everything now because I don't think I have reached the depths yet of the experience.  I'm certainly grateful to God, and to Father, for the gift of the sacrament.

Freedom

Today I had a great experience of freedom.  Sometimes I watch the kids running like wild people at recess and I think - wow - that must be so much fun! haha.  Sometimes I play a little bit too!

After school today I went to the store to do some of the food shopping for the convent.  When I had paid and was on my way outside the sky just opened up and poured.  It was beautiful but everything was getting wet and I was rushing to try to get everything into the trunk of the car.  As I was getting a workout with my groceries I was hit with this great feeling of freedom.  My veil and habit were soaking wet, I was alone, and the rain was so beautiful - it was great!  At first I was thinking oh no I'm soaked right through, my shoes are getting messed up, my hair is totally wet... and then all my cares just melted away and it was freedom.

When I got back to the convent it was still pouring so I got to do it all over again!  After that I went in to prayers and dinner with the nuns.  I was so tired and I had a tough day in school - good but challenging - and I was ready to go right to sleep... My superior knew this had been a crazy week for me so she left a candy bar in my room as a little treat.  I felt like a kid... in a good way.  I felt like I had gone out to play, been taken care of, and was being sent off to bed for the night.  It was refreshing and comforting.

I don't usually relate well to the whole child of God thing, probably because my own childhood was so tumultuous, but today I felt very much cared for as a dear daughter of His and I am very grateful for that blessing.

Corrections

I hate this word - correction... I just honestly hate it.  Sometimes I try to act like I don't hate it.  Sometimes I try to convince myself that it is a growth in holiness to be corrected.  Maybe it is... however; it still stinks!

I don't know if I was corrected tonight but I felt like I was.  Either it was a helpful suggestion or a downright correction... I'm not sure.  Either way, my ego didn't like it.  Not at all.  I had some really high hopes for a little meeting I had today with a Sister but no matter how many compliments or applauds I get... those corrections stay with me and ruin it all.  Maybe I'm terrible at humility.  Maybe I have no virtuous motives.  Maybe all I care about is looking good to other people.  I don't know... but I do know that I hate to be corrected.

I know in faith that it is good for me.  I also know that I value deeply in community the fact that we are able to share with one another... sometimes it hurts.  Sharing with one another requires that I be able to admit my shortcomings, accept constructive criticism, share my desires and hopes, and think of Christ and His Church before I think of my own interests.  Community demands that I be able to both value myself and put myself, good and worthwhile, as last instead of first.

I think I might be praying about this struggle a lot in these next few  weeks and as the summer months give me more time with myself and with God in prayer.  Thanks be to God!  I hope that He enlightens me with peace and growth.

Family and Religious Life

I'm really only close with one member of my family - my brother.  I love my brother a lot.  He is my only other sibling and he understands me very well... and he's not Catholic.  He loves having a sister who is a nun.  I don't exactly know why, but I do know that we bonded very well when we both made life altering commitments against the desires of our parents about a month apart... we really threw them for a loop!  My brother went into the service a month before I entered the convent... it was not taken very well.

Today I went to a meeting at my community's motherhouse and then met up with my family who lives nearby.  I'm always happy to see them but I'm also always more aware when I leave the gathering of how different my life is from theirs.  Some of my family is Catholic... most are nonpracticing but it certainly makes for an interesting gathering when the nun shows up.  Today was mostly good.  It's hard to explain my life to people who have no concept of convent, apostolate, community life, living a Rule, vows... all of it!  They just seem like outsiders to me sometimes and I hate that.

It isn't that I don't love them... it's more like we live on two different planes.  And then when it comes to my parents - it's a whole other ball game.  I know... it's hard to imagine... but nuns come from broken homes too - myself included.   It's certainly more difficult but here I am and I just hope and pray that God accepts the carrying of that cross as an act of love for Him.

Summer in the Habit

Oh my gosh it has begun... summer in the habit.  Each year it feels like that first summer all over again - hot, sticky, hot, uncomfortable, hot, tight, hot, exhausting, hot, disheveled... I could go on.  Today was probably the hottest / most humid day so far this year.  School was brutal.  Imagine thirty, gross on a good day, middle schoolers all packed into a classroom without air conditioning.   God knows I love them but they are full of hot air and can't keep themselves... to themselves!

This morning wasn't too bad with the fans on and the lights off.  The kids were doing some science projects so I wasn't directly instructing them most of the time!  This afternoon took a turn for the worse though and by the end of religion class - filled with questions on the state of Osama bin Laden's soul - I was exhausted!  I thought... I'm grabbing my laptop and my books and going home!  Usually, I stay in school for a while after and work but it was just so hot over there.

When I got back to the convent I grabbed a cold drink and started my three floor climb to my room.  I never made it to the third floor.  When I got to the second floor there was a whirlwind of curtains all over the place.  They were hanging over the banister, over chairs, on the ironing board and my dear short sister was trying to hang them up.  I happen to be quite a tall sister so I stopped to help her.  Getting on a ladder and fighting with a metal rod was not what I had planned for the afternoon before prayers and dinner!  Anyway, I did it.

After dinner I raced up to the third floor finally... it was like a victory lap.  All I could think about was getting out of my hot and uncomfortable and now dirty holy habit and under the fan.  Now here I am!  The evening is cooling down a little but it feels like thunderstorms... which I love!  I'm in the middle of writing the last set of progress reports of the year for my darlings in school and I'm content that summer is here and very soon... I'll get over that first hot summer day of the year in the holy habit!

Reading the Mind of God

I know... it's not possible... don't worry I'm not suggesting anything heretical, haha.  But I cannot help but wonder sometimes what it would look like to see the whole picture of myself or of someone else's soul at a particular moment of grace from the eyes of God.  He obviously sees so much more but in that moment, for us to see, it would be breathtaking.  The past, present, and future of a person plus their unique makeup of personality, nature, dreams, hopes, fears, and sins all at the same time from one point of view - it's amazing.  And all of that perspective, all that knowledge at once fits into the equation of what grace to give... what God's will is for them individually.

I'm always trying to figure Him out... I love solving big questions.  I know this isn't one I can solve, haha... but I still always try.  When I know that there is a decision I have to make I think to myself, "How is He playing this round?"  I know I'm being fresh, haha, but I really do take it very seriously.  I think about what decision would be contrary to my own selfish will.  I think about the future effects of any decision.  I think about what I've done in the past.  I think about my usual sins, my usual goodness... I try to see the pattern, the design.  I never succeed.

I should probably just trust that God will give me the grace to follow His will when He has planned it.  However, I still am so fascinated by how He works that I just can't stop analyzing it.  I mean, try to imagine the way God sees you in each moment with all your complexities at once.  It's mind boggling.  Then add in the fact that you are part of the Body of Christ, all joined together - and He sees all of that at once... each of us individually and each of us together as one.  How can we not trust?!      

Heart to Heart

I'm avoiding it... the heart to heart talk... the inevitable.  I've been filling my time and my spirit with work, reading,  stress, cleaning, email, and many other insignificant things.  Even my prayer hasn't been prayer but more of a task to complete - and a difficult one at that.  I feel a very real desire to bare my soul, to pour it out, to share myself - but at times it feels like there is no place for that - in community, in spirituality, in my busy-ness.

At the Easter Vigil, Father's homily was very touching for me.  He said that the vigil is the time for us to revisit the place where we first met Jesus - the tomb of our hearts - where He raised us from the death of sin to our new life in Him.  I was thinking... yes... that is exactly what I need to do - to meet Christ again in my heart where I first encountered Him.

Father went on to say that the place where we were all gathered as a parish community was our Galilee of that very moment and that in all the universe that was exactly where Christ had planned for us to encounter Him - Risen!  For me - that meant where I was in community.  It meant that the sisters I was with were the disciples I was meant to bring Christ to.  At the same time, they are the disciples who are meant to bring Christ to me.

I have to be honest - I haven't felt that way recently.  Maybe I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.  I expect often a lot from community life.  I expect to be challenged, taught, educated, called, appreciated, corrected, and loved... but have I been doing the same?  Have I been putting my whole self out there - my faith, my heart, my convictions, my desires, my vision?  The truth is no... because I have been afraid of what the reaction would be.  I have been unwilling to be challenged, corrected, affirmed, and encouraged.  It is scary to share your heart.  But I know that right now it is what I most desire.

The other thing I desire is a spiritual director - but God has not seen it in His plan to give me one quite yet... I am getting desperate though so I ask your prayers that He puts someone in my path.

Good Friday Reflection

Well, my reflections from this Good Friday weren't so "good" for me.  I'm sure they are good for my soul but I don't think anyone ever looks forward to loss and sacrifice -  both places where God brought me in my retreat today.

I'm finding myself feeling more and more confused as I ask, "What needs to die in me?"  The answers are all things that I don't want to have to give up... or things that don't want to give me up.  I am sure that there are deaths that must happen for my relationship with Jesus to deepen and spread to those around me.  This time though, I don't feel the zeal or the fight to let those things die.  I can see quite clearly where I am going wrong and how I can fix it.  I can see how my life would be better.  But for some reason my heart is not jumping to act on this knowledge... and I'm not sure why.

I spent my prayer time today reading Jesus' Prayer for the Disciples - John 19.  It hits me anew each time I read it and I think it must be my favorite Gospel.  Here is one part that really touched me today.

"I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.

They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.

Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth.

As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.

And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth."

I can hear Jesus' impassioned prayer to the Father to care for each of His own and it amazes me that he could be so close to arrest and death yet so focused, not on Himself, but on me and on you.  And here I am, avoiding the death and sacrifice that is so necessary to what is happening in my church, my community, and my own soul right now.  Is that how I lost my zeal and my "heart"... by losing sacrifice?  I'm not sure.  What I do know is that it was unintentional but has now become learned and I must unlearn it with little or no feelings passion and desire to do so.  My mind is on one track and my heart is hardened on the other.

I'm sure this happens to us all at some points.  There are times when we are at our best and others when we are at our worst.  My best is when I'm working hard at a very focused task and when I'm praying and living well the community life I've been called to.  My worst is when I become preoccupied with my "image" - how I look, how people see me and when I feel stressed and out of control.  I know I need to hand this over to Christ but I'm having a difficult time doing that now.  I know who I want to be and how to be that... but the work - the sacrifice and the suffering - seem more than I can give right now.  I know that that feeling - the feeling of some task being beyond my resources - is really a very special opportunity to trust completely in the power of Christ's saving love.      

I know I must die to have life.  Christ please give me the grace to die the deaths I must die to truly be a follower of You.  I want to be close to You only.  Hold me in your Sacred Heart and let me respond to Your words alone.

Edited to add... Can you tell I need a spiritual director??  It's extremely difficult to find one! :)

It's all about me!

Actually... it's not - but I like to think it is.  I guess it's human nature to a certain extent to see the world around us in terms of how it affects us personally.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  I think, first, because of necessity.  I've been having to do a lot of reflecting at this time of the year so I've been a little focused on myself.  Secondly, I've been under a lot of stress and because of that I've been looking at all MY work, MY school, MY prayer, MY charge, MY time.

It's strange how something small can suddenly jerk you back into perspective.  For me, today, it was the simple fact that someone I care about hasn't answered an email from me for two days!  I know - how impatient - two days is nothing... but it was important to me.  Then I got an email from someone else about that person and I just felt my heart sink.  All of the sudden I realized that I was being really self-centered.  I couldn't rejoice with the other person because I was so caught up in myself.

It stinks to realize that it's not about me... it stinks to realize that I've been so full of pride and selfish.  But I'm thankful it happened.  I'm thankful I can see it now.  Perspective really makes all the difference in the things that happen.  I'm going to definitely take this to prayer now that school is ended for the holy days to come.

My Cross is your cross

This week has had me doing a lot of thinking in preparation for this holy week and I've come to focus through my prayer on something that has really touched me.  I don't know if I can quite put it into words because it is more of an experience but I'm going to try.

I have had a lot of suffering in my life.  Lots of that suffering has been suffering that I haven't been able to understand.  It has been confusing.  It has made me feel worthless, self conscious... just plain bad.  I get more and more in touch with that everyday that I am with middle schoolers.  Their own lives are such a raw picture of the suffering that I have somehow "made it through."  This week I've had students being beaten up by their parents, students failing, students hurting one another and fighting... It has been insane!

Those were just examples of what I've been thinking about though.  I've felt really called in prayer recently to penance and suffering for the sake of the Church.  The scandals, lack of vocations, moral deterioration, Church and school closings are all calls from God to step out of the comfort zone and into the unknown - an unknown that I am certain is filled with sanctifying suffering.

Each of us is carrying a different part of the one Cross carried by Christ for all eternity.  Each of us is blessed with a share in this saving, suffering cross because none of us can possibly carry the same weight Christ did once and for all.  I need for you (whoever you are) to carry your part of the Cross - because I can't carry all of it and in order to participate in the life of Christ I must pick up my Cross and follow Him.  I know intimately that this Cross was specifically chosen for me to carry for you so that you wouldn't need to.  You carry a cross for me so that I can carry my own.  We make up the one Body of Christ crucified on the one Cross of our Redemption.  As I look at all the pain in the world around me I see so many people offering up a suffering I could never offer.  I see others who make the offering of the Cross more and more difficult for those around them.

We are all called to carry our crosses.  The question I am faced with this week is; how have I been carrying mine?  Have I carried it well?  Have I united it with Your's? Am I offering my suffering for those around me?  Am I appreciative of the unique Cross each of my brothers and sisters carries for me?  How do I show my gratitude and love for each of them?  

Going back in time...

Do you ever wish you could go back in time?  I frequently do - but especially today.  I'm just too fiery for my own good and for the good of others sometimes.  I wish God would calm me down a bit because I'm so bad at prudence sometimes!

Have you ever known that you are right about something but haven't discerned correctly in the moment whether it was the right time, place, or person to discuss the topic?  That's exactly what I did today.  It wasn't the right person, time, or place to discuss what we did and I showed more than I was comfortable with of my emotions about the topic.  I wish I didn't - but I did.  Maybe I wasn't wrong in sharing... maybe I'm just uncomfortable with sharing my feelings like that.  Maybe I care so much about the topic that I felt too vulnerable, too raw - not "ladylike" enough.

Maybe, really, I'm just uncomfortable with being passionate about something.  It is as if sometimes there is a wariness in me about "rocking the boat."  I feel like there is this expectation that we don't talk about things that cause disagreement, discussion, emotion, and different viewpoints.  I don't know where the expectation comes from.  I'm not sure why I even entertain it... I'm not exactly a peacemaker most of the time.

I just don't know.  What is the right way to stand up for what is right?  How do you know though?  Is it only good when you're comfortable afterwards with what was said?  Or is it good that I'm disturbed and uncomfortable with what happened?  Is it an indication of passion and growth?  Or is it stubbornness and close mindedness?

I don't think I'm going to get an answer.

  

Daily Life, the Cross of Christ, and Prayer

I have this enormous crucifix in my classroom.  It is beautiful - dark wood, detailed corpus.  I've never seen such a large crucifix in a classroom but it definitely is helpful when I start a spiel to the kids about how Jesus died a terrible horrific death on the Cross and they should be able to give a pencil to the person sitting next to them, help pick up someone's books, do their homework, stop complaining... etc.  I get all serious and dramatic and point up at it and give my lecture - and surprisingly they listen in the little things and I know it makes a spiritual impact.  If only these little situations were the only ones.  Unfortunately, they have crosses that are much bigger.

They have parents who have betrayed them and their families.  They are shuffled from house to house according to a legal document.  They feel unlovable, unworthy, and unimportant.  They have to justify their very existence because most of them never see the love that brought them into the world.

I just read a study about how the brain feels emotional pain in the same way as it feels bodily pain.  I can honestly say that I have experienced and felt that abandonment, confusion, frustration, and pain that comes from family strife.  I'm sure that that abandonment and pain is united to Jesus on the Cross.  I'm sure that my students don't realize it but they are also held closely in the heart of Christ as they suffer that same pain.

The other day one of the teachers at school asked to talk to me after school.  We sat in her classroom and talked about our students, our own families, our own trials and sufferings.  We had tears in our eyes during most of the conversation.  She told me that her sister says she doesn't pray enough and that she should pray the rosary more.  Now, I love the Rosary... like super love it, so my comment was NOT about not praying the rosary.  It was in recognition of the prayer that was already happening in her.

God's grace really came to me in that moment bringing me to the realization that the carrying of that pain and those crosses each day  are absolutely moments of living prayer.  It is a true crucifixion.  Jesus wasn't sitting in a Chapel.  He was carrying a Cross.  He was actively involved in the march to His death and the crowd around Him.

Now it is my turn, and that teacher's turn to carry our crosses with Him for the crowd around us - our children, who will unfortunately carry their crosses in turn.  I can't quite explain the feeling and "knowing" I have that this is true - that this suffering is important to life, to the Church, to the Body of Christ.

It is a comfort to know that my suffering means something to Him.  It is a comfort to know that I can understand and share my suffering with others in love and hope and peace.  It is a comfort to know that that same love, peace, and hope are waiting, as gifts of grace, to our children.

Update!

Well, it has been a crazy March!  I haven't had a minute to myself in weeks.  Finally, this Saturday I could take a little holy relaxation!  That is probably why I am up so late because I just don't want this free time to end!  So, anyway, I think a post is in order.  Between school, community, and prayer there has been nothing but sleep in the middle!  However, I really feel very called right now to sacrifice and suffering as the future of religious life and I am happy to suffer and sacrifice because of fatigue, generosity, and zeal.

My community has been talking a lot about the future lately and I feel compelled to share some of my insights.  First, I am really blessed to live in a community where I feel I can share my own feelings and thoughts without judgement and while knowing that although not everyone agrees with me we all respect one another.  There really is a spirit of fraternal charity and the work of grace in our everyday conversations with one another.  At the same time, I think we are at a point where we have to be challenged and challenge one another to be the religious women we are called to be.  A sister recently told me, "Your religious life is your ONLY religious life."  You only get one and you are the only one who gets to live that particular life.  It was so amazing to hear someone verbalize that calling in such a profound way.  I don't know what is ahead for me but God has given me this religious life at this time for a particular reason - and the same is true for everyone else.

That very simple thought makes me feel extremely personally responsible for the future of religious life in my congregation.  What am I doing that furthers God's mission in the world?  How am I building up the Kingdom of God?  How am I witnessing to the relationship I have with Jesus to everyone I meet?  Am I really living the religious life I desire and God desires for me?

Now I will be busy all April answering these questions.  Holy Spirit - enlighten me!

Lesson Planning

Any teachers can appreciate the much used acronym, "SWBAT."  For those who are not teachers or who don't use this acronym all the time... it stands for, "Students will be able to..."  When I write my lessons for each unit I write a list of things that my students will be able to do by the end of the unit or lesson.  After the "to" I always begin my objective with a dynamic verb from Bloom's Taxonomy.  I know all of this sounds ridiculous (unless your a teacher) but it has some really practical applications that I hadn't thought of until this evening when I was talking to another sister about our religious life.

What if I changed "Student" to "Sister"?  What should sister be able to do?  Well, looking at the verbs from Bloom's Taxonomy I have a few ideas.

Sister will be able to...

1. identify God's presence in the people she serves and the sisters with whom she lives.
2. explain in word and in action God's salvific work.
3. be an example of the intimate relationship between God and each soul.
4. demonstrate charity and mercy working with justice and morality by showing compassion while still challenging God's people.
5. prepare for the coming of God's Kingdom.
6. differentiate between right and wrong and help others to do the same.
7. relate to her sisters as "one in mind and heart."
8. reconstruct the world around her to be in line with the values of the Kingdom of God.
9. justify her belief in her Spouse through prayer and knowledge, with the gift of faith, for all people.

Now, I'm sure I could come up with a lot more... and much more eloquent examples.  However, it was an easy way for me to meditate and pray over what it is that Jesus, the divine teacher, is trying to bring about in my heart and soul.  This is a quick, five minute, list of objectives.  It is a really easy way for me to both examine my conscience and look to where God is calling me.  What could God be calling you to be able to do?

March

Well, as far as my life is concerned, March is already a wash.  No free weekends, free days, time at all - just lots of new and exciting, exhausting and overwhelming, work and fun.  It looks like the storm before the calm is here.  Summer is coming but these next few months are going to be wild.

On Saturday I went to a funeral and then straight to the Motherhouse for a community meeting.  After the community meeting, feeling quite overwhelmed by what I needed to get done, my young nun friends and I went out for a little pizza and a lot of chat.  It was great to be together and just talk about what is going on in our schools and houses.  Although we are all inundated with tons of work it was great to take a little time to enjoy one another's company.

It's amazing how much a good friend does for the spiritual life.  I came back to my local house feeling refreshed and rededicated to doing my best to live religious life to the fullest.  It doesn't always feel like roses and rainbows.  It requires a lot of sacrifice and we all get rundown and unenthusiastic at times.  Spiritual friendships form the foundation to continue forward in charity and forgiveness to be better than before.  My friends helped me remember whose I am and who I am.

Prayers Please

With fear, I admit going to Dunkin Donuts again today.  Today though I went to get a little treat for a sister who lives in my convent but is currently taking care of her sick family member.  On my way to visit her, I stopped to get them some muffins as a little treat for them.

While I was waiting in line, a man came over and asked if he could pay for my order.  I said that I was actually getting a gift for someone else so he offered to buy me a cup of coffee instead.  I said yes, but only because I knew he really wanted to do something for a sister.  I asked his name and he told me so I held out my hand to shake his and he kissed my hand!  I've never had something like that happen before!  Well... the woman behind the counter said, "wow!"  That was my response as well!

Anyway, he was very sweet and told me that he hadn't been to church in a while and that his children weren't baptized.  He was really upset about both.  Please say a prayer for him that he has the courage to come back to us.

Well, It is 10:30 pm and I just got in the convent.  I know you are probably thinking..."What are you doing out so late?  Why would a nun be gone until 10:30?  Was she at a wild party?"  Okay, you might not ask the last one... but it's true.  I was at a wild party.

I just got home from a Home and School Association function for the kids.  I've been awake since 4:30 this morning and I have been working since then.  That's apostolic religious life.  I think sometimes people think that because we have more freedom in this way of life that we aren't "real sisters."  Maybe they think that we don't pray enough.  Maybe they don't think we should be out of the house as much.  Maybe they think that because we are out, we aren't with community enough.  I don't really know the exact reason.  But I thought I would give a really realistic look at my life today.  The real freedom is in being able to respond to God's movement, the needs of the people, and the structures of community living all at the same time.

I've already said what my normal day to day life looks like but this was a day full of schedule changes and special circumstances but it was also pretty awesome.  My life is a real balancing act because I am a religious called to be apostolic - to go out into the world to do God's work.  It is much different from being a monastic who, in addition to structured prayer and community life, does some ministry or work.  Intrinsic to my vocation is being with the people as a faithful witness.  This balancing act includes prayer, community, and apostolate and everyday is a different and new adventure.

Today after Mass at the nearby parish to which we drive each day, my sister principal and I stopped for a Dunkin Donuts treat on our drive back to school.  Sometimes the kids give us a gift card and we save it for special occasions (with the permission of the superior) - like the beginning of standardized testing.  We definitely needed the caffeine before a long day.  Once I got to school I took all my test materials out of my closet and was trying to straighten up my desk before I had a meeting with my grade partners.  For 40 minutes before school started we hashed it out (in a good way :) ) with our school counselor about a few kids with major issues.  Then we picked our homeroom students up from the hall and brought them back to the room.  As I took roll and got the kids unpacked they told me about Grandma being run over (I'm not kidding - she's ok but say a prayer for her if you can), a cousin who died, their punishment for not doing their homework and so on and so on.

When we were finished unpacking, we began our testing.  I used the time between giving directions while they were filling in all those bubbles to pray my rosary as I walked around the room to make sure they were in the right section and taking their time.

When they were finished we had religion class, lunch, and then I had one science class.  We said our afternoon prayers and I took my line down the street and said, "See you soon."  I talked really entertaining "trash" on how I was going to beat them at the activity that night and they cracked up laughing.  It was a fun walk at dismissal.  After that I went back to close up the classroom.  On my way out, a parent showed up about a demerit her child received from me.  So I had an impromptu and unfortunate parent conference and then left to get an early dinner in the convent.  I took my office book back to school with me and I was changing my decorations to Lent.  I took a break to pray and continued working on my decorations and on grading copybooks.

At 7, I went to the HASA event.  The kids were hilarious and we had a wonderful time.  It was also time that they were not spending roaming the city streets or getting into trouble.  It was time they spent working as a team, spending time with their teachers, parents, and friends, and just having wholesome fun.  But here it is, 11:00 pm now, and I'm writing on my blog.

If I was in a community where prayers were solemn-high at night on a Friday -  I wouldn't be there for these kids.  I pray for them ALL the time.  Prayer is vital to my life.  However, as an apostolic religious I have to take it when I can get it and let it invade my life.  The kids see that I pray.  They see that I love God because they are such a priority in my life.  They are there for so much of my prayer time.  School isn't something I fit in... neither is prayer.  They are both vital and frequently they overlap.

Basically, it's a great life.  It's an exciting life.  It's a challenging life.  It's the life God has called me to live for Him.  A stricter community is, objectively, more attractive to me; but I know the reason is because it would be easier for me (not for everyone, but for me).  I hate having to work things in.  I'm a very scheduled person and I hate having to be flexible.  I have a difficult time being moved by the Spirit and going with God's will.  I plan everything.  I believe God has called me to what is more difficult for me to stretch me and change me.  I have to find the time for each vital part of my life until they become one living reality.  It is difficult but it is the most joyful.  

Youth

Sometimes it is a tightrope act in school when trying to be there for the kids while at the same time being a professional.  Today I had one of those days.  I've said it before but my kids tell me everything.  The boys gave me a real lesson on a few phrases today which I found quite... interesting...   I'm still not sure about any of it but after we talked the kids told me how grateful they are that they can say what is going on in their life when they are with me and I don't yell at them.  I said to them... why would I yell?  What would it help for me to get angry with you for knowing something that is "bad?"  It isn't their fault that they know it.  If I'm mad at them for knowing... I can't exactly help them to live the Gospel.  I'm just pretending that they are something they aren't.  It isn't 1950 anymore.  

A week ago, I knew that one of my girls was in the middle of a difficult family situation.  I thought and prayed about it and, although it wouldn't be my number one choice, I chose to tell her about my own family situation.  They were so similar and I felt like I might be able to help her by telling her.  I kept some things to myself but I shared what I could.  Today she gave me a piece of paper with badly written paragraph on it.  It was kinda rambling; however, I got what she meant.  I wrote her back with a popular song lyric and a quote from JPII.  It was all about freedom and living life to the fullest amidst her own pain.

I hope all of it helps and brings fruit.  In faith I know that God will bring fruits that I will never know of.  It's just amazing.  Each time it happens I think how blessed I am to watch God work over and over again.  It is like seeing grace under a microscope.  I watch it move and change, grow and transform.  It is a science of it's own.  

 

Philadelphia

I haven't really identified too often where I live and I usually don't talk about particular situations but I feel like I'm ready to say what I've been thinking and praying about these past two weeks.

When I was in high school I converted to the Catholic Church.  My parents thought I was brainwashed by a priest.  I really didn't care.  I had finally found someone who really cared about my soul and I was grateful to God for that.  I was in college, before I was a sister, when the first sex abuse scandal broke in Philadelphia.  I remember being in Spanish class and having my teacher bring it up.  He was so insulting to the Church, in a Catholic college.  I walked out and reported him.  He told me he would fail me.  I really didn't care.  I knew it was an unfortunate and sinful thing that had happened but was being fixed.

However, I have to be honest when I say that I thought this was all behind us.  If you don't know... there is another grand jury report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia.  That's what I'm talking about.

Now as this next round begins; I'm a middle school teacher in the city.  Sisters and friends keep asking me, "Did you read what the Cardinal said?" "Did you see the news story on...?" "Has anyone at your house said...?".  My students eloquently ask, "What happened with those perverts?"  Now, I am normally the one who has read/seen/heard all the news on everything.  Most of my nun friends count on me to have the answers because I like to read and ponder and explore issues.  However, my answer these days has been "no" or "I don't know."

My "no" isn't because I want to pretend it isn't happening.  (Please, I work with 12-15 year olds... I don't get the luxury of pretending anything-they are like lie detector tests.)  My "no" is because I can't see that in my life right now my keeping up with this news is going to be the most fruitful or grace filled way for me to be present to the Church here.  My response has to be solution-oriented.  That is why it makes me so angry to see people protesting outside the Cathedral, spreading gossip and hearsay, and giving radio interviews about the whole situation.  None of those are solutions to the problem that is at hand.  They are simply talk and distraction from what God is really asking of us.

I'm sure that there are many people who would disagree that my approach is geared to a solution but I feel it truly is.  I am offering my sacrifices and my prayers for the Church in Philadelphia and I am trying to educate the future leaders of the Church here.  That is all that I can do.  I can see in the eyes of my students God's grace calling them forth to radical sacrifice and trust in His promise through these events which will shape their understanding of Church and holiness forever.  I can only rely on my own experience, that God brings forth great grace in times of great sin.  I have to believe that he will use even this terrible experience for the building up of the Kingdom.      

Then I look again at my kids... how do they make sense of this stuff?  We did talk about it in really general terms but the saddest thing is that they aren't even shocked.  They hear about this stuff all the time anyway.  Maybe it is better they don't get upset by it.  I don't really know.  I just know I'm trying to encourage them to live knowing that they are preparing for a future where they will be responsible for the unfortunate situation we are in now.  That's why I'm so proud of them.  They are living up to it though.  They are my hope.

I know it affects everyone in a different and daily way.  For me, I go to chapel in the early morning hours in the convent and I pray for our Church.  In my convent, the sister in charge of chapel put sign and candle in front of the altar saying that we are praying for our priests.  In my apostolate, I am trying to foster the spirit of loving sacrifice, perseverance, and selfless giving.  These seem to be exactly what we need... at least in my mind and heart.... during this time of sadness and pain.

I hope that God will accept my gift of self and the gifts that I know my students are offering for the Church in Philadelphia.  We have been blessed with saintly leaders like St. John Neumann and St. Katharine Drexel and I really believe God will give the grace to raise up more holy men and women to work hard - to give their lives - for the Church here.  I think my students find that exciting (except the whole body in a glass box thing - that kinda creeps them out :) ).

Jesus, please help us.  We have nothing if we don't have You.  Please enter the hearts of Your children and inspire in them radical faith, love, and hope to follow You unreservedly, knowing that You alone will fulfill their every desire.  Change our hearts Lord!