I had the strangest experience the other night. As I've mentioned before I love to drive through the city, especially at night when there is no traffic, and I was coming home late the other night and decided to take the "scenic" route. As I was watching the cars and the lights and the people and reflecting on the very good meeting I was returning from I was overwhelmed by the goodness of God to me. How, when I look at all these people, have I been so blessed to live and work and have my being in this great God? How, after all the missteps I should have fallen into, have I become this woman I could not have even imagined five years ago, not for myself and not for anyone else either? What have I done to deserve the community I love, the apostolate in which I experience redemption, and the intimate relationship with the King?
I know it is nothing I have done but it still boggles my mind... how did I end up here? I ask this question not in disbelief but in awe of what God can do with so little - with less than anything at all. When I look at my past and my experiences of life... I should have been a disaster. There is little to nothing that would indicate that I would ever be a woman religious. I could never think of a better life and I am humbled that God would want me, that in spite of all my flaws and my sinfulness, He would desire me.
It was a painful transformation into this person I never knew but who is me entirely. It required facing masks, accepting loss and transition, losing control, surrendering, sacrifice, and being open to a whole other person - the one God always desired me to be but the one that I never was.
Now, I know God's work with me is not done. The transformation is never complete until eternal life with Him. But I am, if I might use a strange word, in harmony with my whole self and with God. There is no wall, no huge contradiction, no mask, no hiding, no compensation - just life with Him and His people. It is freedom.
Showing posts with label daily life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label daily life. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Freedom
Today I had a great experience of freedom. Sometimes I watch the kids running like wild people at recess and I think - wow - that must be so much fun! haha. Sometimes I play a little bit too!
After school today I went to the store to do some of the food shopping for the convent. When I had paid and was on my way outside the sky just opened up and poured. It was beautiful but everything was getting wet and I was rushing to try to get everything into the trunk of the car. As I was getting a workout with my groceries I was hit with this great feeling of freedom. My veil and habit were soaking wet, I was alone, and the rain was so beautiful - it was great! At first I was thinking oh no I'm soaked right through, my shoes are getting messed up, my hair is totally wet... and then all my cares just melted away and it was freedom.
When I got back to the convent it was still pouring so I got to do it all over again! After that I went in to prayers and dinner with the nuns. I was so tired and I had a tough day in school - good but challenging - and I was ready to go right to sleep... My superior knew this had been a crazy week for me so she left a candy bar in my room as a little treat. I felt like a kid... in a good way. I felt like I had gone out to play, been taken care of, and was being sent off to bed for the night. It was refreshing and comforting.
I don't usually relate well to the whole child of God thing, probably because my own childhood was so tumultuous, but today I felt very much cared for as a dear daughter of His and I am very grateful for that blessing.
After school today I went to the store to do some of the food shopping for the convent. When I had paid and was on my way outside the sky just opened up and poured. It was beautiful but everything was getting wet and I was rushing to try to get everything into the trunk of the car. As I was getting a workout with my groceries I was hit with this great feeling of freedom. My veil and habit were soaking wet, I was alone, and the rain was so beautiful - it was great! At first I was thinking oh no I'm soaked right through, my shoes are getting messed up, my hair is totally wet... and then all my cares just melted away and it was freedom.
When I got back to the convent it was still pouring so I got to do it all over again! After that I went in to prayers and dinner with the nuns. I was so tired and I had a tough day in school - good but challenging - and I was ready to go right to sleep... My superior knew this had been a crazy week for me so she left a candy bar in my room as a little treat. I felt like a kid... in a good way. I felt like I had gone out to play, been taken care of, and was being sent off to bed for the night. It was refreshing and comforting.
I don't usually relate well to the whole child of God thing, probably because my own childhood was so tumultuous, but today I felt very much cared for as a dear daughter of His and I am very grateful for that blessing.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Lesson Planning
Any teachers can appreciate the much used acronym, "SWBAT." For those who are not teachers or who don't use this acronym all the time... it stands for, "Students will be able to..." When I write my lessons for each unit I write a list of things that my students will be able to do by the end of the unit or lesson. After the "to" I always begin my objective with a dynamic verb from Bloom's Taxonomy. I know all of this sounds ridiculous (unless your a teacher) but it has some really practical applications that I hadn't thought of until this evening when I was talking to another sister about our religious life.
What if I changed "Student" to "Sister"? What should sister be able to do? Well, looking at the verbs from Bloom's Taxonomy I have a few ideas.
Sister will be able to...
What if I changed "Student" to "Sister"? What should sister be able to do? Well, looking at the verbs from Bloom's Taxonomy I have a few ideas.
Sister will be able to...
- identify God's presence in the people she serves and the sisters with whom she lives.
- explain in word and in action God's salvific work.
- be an example of the intimate relationship between God and each soul.
- demonstrate charity and mercy working with justice and morality by showing compassion while still challenging God's people.
- prepare for the coming of God's Kingdom.
- differentiate between right and wrong and help others to do the same.
- relate to her sisters as "one in mind and heart."
- reconstruct the world around her to be in line with the values of the Kingdom of God.
- justify her belief in her Spouse through prayer and knowledge, with the gift of faith, for all people.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Philadelphia
I haven't really identified too often where I live and I usually don't talk about particular situations but I feel like I'm ready to say what I've been thinking and praying about these past two weeks.
When I was in high school I converted to the Catholic Church. My parents thought I was brainwashed by a priest. I really didn't care. I had finally found someone who really cared about my soul and I was grateful to God for that. I was in college, before I was a sister, when the first sex abuse scandal broke in Philadelphia. I remember being in Spanish class and having my teacher bring it up. He was so insulting to the Church, in a Catholic college. I walked out and reported him. He told me he would fail me. I really didn't care. I knew it was an unfortunate and sinful thing that had happened but was being fixed.
However, I have to be honest when I say that I thought this was all behind us. If you don't know... there is another grand jury report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia. That's what I'm talking about.
Now as this next round begins; I'm a middle school teacher in the city. Sisters and friends keep asking me, "Did you read what the Cardinal said?" "Did you see the news story on...?" "Has anyone at your house said...?". My students eloquently ask, "What happened with those perverts?" Now, I am normally the one who has read/seen/heard all the news on everything. Most of my nun friends count on me to have the answers because I like to read and ponder and explore issues. However, my answer these days has been "no" or "I don't know."
My "no" isn't because I want to pretend it isn't happening. (Please, I work with 12-15 year olds... I don't get the luxury of pretending anything-they are like lie detector tests.) My "no" is because I can't see that in my life right now my keeping up with this news is going to be the most fruitful or grace filled way for me to be present to the Church here. My response has to be solution-oriented. That is why it makes me so angry to see people protesting outside the Cathedral, spreading gossip and hearsay, and giving radio interviews about the whole situation. None of those are solutions to the problem that is at hand. They are simply talk and distraction from what God is really asking of us.
I'm sure that there are many people who would disagree that my approach is geared to a solution but I feel it truly is. I am offering my sacrifices and my prayers for the Church in Philadelphia and I am trying to educate the future leaders of the Church here. That is all that I can do. I can see in the eyes of my students God's grace calling them forth to radical sacrifice and trust in His promise through these events which will shape their understanding of Church and holiness forever. I can only rely on my own experience, that God brings forth great grace in times of great sin. I have to believe that he will use even this terrible experience for the building up of the Kingdom.
Then I look again at my kids... how do they make sense of this stuff? We did talk about it in really general terms but the saddest thing is that they aren't even shocked. They hear about this stuff all the time anyway. Maybe it is better they don't get upset by it. I don't really know. I just know I'm trying to encourage them to live knowing that they are preparing for a future where they will be responsible for the unfortunate situation we are in now. That's why I'm so proud of them. They are living up to it though. They are my hope.
I know it affects everyone in a different and daily way. For me, I go to chapel in the early morning hours in the convent and I pray for our Church. In my convent, the sister in charge of chapel put sign and candle in front of the altar saying that we are praying for our priests. In my apostolate, I am trying to foster the spirit of loving sacrifice, perseverance, and selfless giving. These seem to be exactly what we need... at least in my mind and heart.... during this time of sadness and pain.
I hope that God will accept my gift of self and the gifts that I know my students are offering for the Church in Philadelphia. We have been blessed with saintly leaders like St. John Neumann and St. Katharine Drexel and I really believe God will give the grace to raise up more holy men and women to work hard - to give their lives - for the Church here. I think my students find that exciting (except the whole body in a glass box thing - that kinda creeps them out :) ).
Jesus, please help us. We have nothing if we don't have You. Please enter the hearts of Your children and inspire in them radical faith, love, and hope to follow You unreservedly, knowing that You alone will fulfill their every desire. Change our hearts Lord!
When I was in high school I converted to the Catholic Church. My parents thought I was brainwashed by a priest. I really didn't care. I had finally found someone who really cared about my soul and I was grateful to God for that. I was in college, before I was a sister, when the first sex abuse scandal broke in Philadelphia. I remember being in Spanish class and having my teacher bring it up. He was so insulting to the Church, in a Catholic college. I walked out and reported him. He told me he would fail me. I really didn't care. I knew it was an unfortunate and sinful thing that had happened but was being fixed.
However, I have to be honest when I say that I thought this was all behind us. If you don't know... there is another grand jury report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia. That's what I'm talking about.
Now as this next round begins; I'm a middle school teacher in the city. Sisters and friends keep asking me, "Did you read what the Cardinal said?" "Did you see the news story on...?" "Has anyone at your house said...?". My students eloquently ask, "What happened with those perverts?" Now, I am normally the one who has read/seen/heard all the news on everything. Most of my nun friends count on me to have the answers because I like to read and ponder and explore issues. However, my answer these days has been "no" or "I don't know."
My "no" isn't because I want to pretend it isn't happening. (Please, I work with 12-15 year olds... I don't get the luxury of pretending anything-they are like lie detector tests.) My "no" is because I can't see that in my life right now my keeping up with this news is going to be the most fruitful or grace filled way for me to be present to the Church here. My response has to be solution-oriented. That is why it makes me so angry to see people protesting outside the Cathedral, spreading gossip and hearsay, and giving radio interviews about the whole situation. None of those are solutions to the problem that is at hand. They are simply talk and distraction from what God is really asking of us.
I'm sure that there are many people who would disagree that my approach is geared to a solution but I feel it truly is. I am offering my sacrifices and my prayers for the Church in Philadelphia and I am trying to educate the future leaders of the Church here. That is all that I can do. I can see in the eyes of my students God's grace calling them forth to radical sacrifice and trust in His promise through these events which will shape their understanding of Church and holiness forever. I can only rely on my own experience, that God brings forth great grace in times of great sin. I have to believe that he will use even this terrible experience for the building up of the Kingdom.
Then I look again at my kids... how do they make sense of this stuff? We did talk about it in really general terms but the saddest thing is that they aren't even shocked. They hear about this stuff all the time anyway. Maybe it is better they don't get upset by it. I don't really know. I just know I'm trying to encourage them to live knowing that they are preparing for a future where they will be responsible for the unfortunate situation we are in now. That's why I'm so proud of them. They are living up to it though. They are my hope.
I know it affects everyone in a different and daily way. For me, I go to chapel in the early morning hours in the convent and I pray for our Church. In my convent, the sister in charge of chapel put sign and candle in front of the altar saying that we are praying for our priests. In my apostolate, I am trying to foster the spirit of loving sacrifice, perseverance, and selfless giving. These seem to be exactly what we need... at least in my mind and heart.... during this time of sadness and pain.
I hope that God will accept my gift of self and the gifts that I know my students are offering for the Church in Philadelphia. We have been blessed with saintly leaders like St. John Neumann and St. Katharine Drexel and I really believe God will give the grace to raise up more holy men and women to work hard - to give their lives - for the Church here. I think my students find that exciting (except the whole body in a glass box thing - that kinda creeps them out :) ).
Jesus, please help us. We have nothing if we don't have You. Please enter the hearts of Your children and inspire in them radical faith, love, and hope to follow You unreservedly, knowing that You alone will fulfill their every desire. Change our hearts Lord!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It's not Christmas unless someone cries.
Most of the sisters in my community would say these weeks are the worst weeks of the year; in school grades are due, the convent is being decorated, the kids are crazy, time is short, cookies need to be baked, presents wrapped, cards sent, and all the everyday things keep happening. I had my melt-down day today. In the novitiate, we always used to say that it wasn't Christmas if someone didn't cry. I was never that someone until today.
People sometimes warn about over-spiritualizing normal events in everyday life. I think I have failed to spiritualize them enough though these days. I've been so overwhelmed with school and community preparations for Christmas that I've forgotten that God is in all these things too. I hate to cry. I really don't even like emotions all that much... I know they are necessary but it's just not in me. Tonight though it all became too much for me. I spent all weekend at school working on some things that really weren't justly mine. I endured the advice of others to "relax." Then I felt the wrath of missing something important that I should have done a while ago. Needless to say, I found myself getting ready for bed and just crying. As I felt sorry for myself I realized that there are still opportunities that God gives me to forgive, to love, to be humbled, to sacrifice and mortify myself, and to work for His mission in the world. I just forgot that all these everyday things had that kind of meaning and grace in them. Basically, I was being a whiny brat. (I usually tell my middle school kids to "take it like a man" when they get a demerit or a detention, and I was not taking my own advice.)
Confession time - I haven't prayed as I should these days. I have bronchitis and I am exhausted so for the past week I have missed my daily prayer time in order to get more sleep so that I can work my life away. I know that has hurt my chances of doing anything the way God intends me to do it. Anyway, my prayer hasn't been great when it happens either. It's like I'm in a rut. Usually, I do really well to journal about things. It helps me to discern God's voice and action in my life but recently I've just been telling Him all the things I have to do. It has nothing to do with Him and it is all about me.
I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but again I know I'm falling into the trap of trying to "do" something in order to reap a benefit I see that I need. I know I really need to just entrust it all to the mercy of God and know that in His goodness He will show me His love and compassion.
I struggle with whether or not to share this particular part of my sadness tonight on a public forum but I think it is appropriate to share using prudence. It is hard as an active religious sometimes to totally avoid occasions of sin. Sometimes something small that someone says, while I am trying to be charitable and understanding, will stick with me and torture me. It may touch my pride, envy, or desire for affection and that thought will invade all other things. Something like that has been happening to me lately and I don't know quite how to handle it with charity and gentleness. Jesus did say to Peter, "Get behind me Satan." I do know that I need to end the relationship from which this temptation is coming toward me. This doesn't mean I stop praying in charity for the person or the situation but that I distance myself in witness to the Gospel of Christ and my vocation in His holy Church.
I know that Christ has given me a very particular grace to realize this lack of spiritual discernment and the harm being done me by a particular relationship. I must respond to it. I have been blessed to know that no matter what I have given my heart to Him and it can't belong to anyone else. I can't share it; I cannot entrust it; I cannot let it be seen by any other in the way I have allowed Him. It is difficult and painful at times but I do believe that the convergence of all these things at this time tonight was in His plan for me to rededicate myself to Him and to promise further my love and devotion to Him alone.
God keep giving me the grace! Amen.
People sometimes warn about over-spiritualizing normal events in everyday life. I think I have failed to spiritualize them enough though these days. I've been so overwhelmed with school and community preparations for Christmas that I've forgotten that God is in all these things too. I hate to cry. I really don't even like emotions all that much... I know they are necessary but it's just not in me. Tonight though it all became too much for me. I spent all weekend at school working on some things that really weren't justly mine. I endured the advice of others to "relax." Then I felt the wrath of missing something important that I should have done a while ago. Needless to say, I found myself getting ready for bed and just crying. As I felt sorry for myself I realized that there are still opportunities that God gives me to forgive, to love, to be humbled, to sacrifice and mortify myself, and to work for His mission in the world. I just forgot that all these everyday things had that kind of meaning and grace in them. Basically, I was being a whiny brat. (I usually tell my middle school kids to "take it like a man" when they get a demerit or a detention, and I was not taking my own advice.)
Confession time - I haven't prayed as I should these days. I have bronchitis and I am exhausted so for the past week I have missed my daily prayer time in order to get more sleep so that I can work my life away. I know that has hurt my chances of doing anything the way God intends me to do it. Anyway, my prayer hasn't been great when it happens either. It's like I'm in a rut. Usually, I do really well to journal about things. It helps me to discern God's voice and action in my life but recently I've just been telling Him all the things I have to do. It has nothing to do with Him and it is all about me.
I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but again I know I'm falling into the trap of trying to "do" something in order to reap a benefit I see that I need. I know I really need to just entrust it all to the mercy of God and know that in His goodness He will show me His love and compassion.
I struggle with whether or not to share this particular part of my sadness tonight on a public forum but I think it is appropriate to share using prudence. It is hard as an active religious sometimes to totally avoid occasions of sin. Sometimes something small that someone says, while I am trying to be charitable and understanding, will stick with me and torture me. It may touch my pride, envy, or desire for affection and that thought will invade all other things. Something like that has been happening to me lately and I don't know quite how to handle it with charity and gentleness. Jesus did say to Peter, "Get behind me Satan." I do know that I need to end the relationship from which this temptation is coming toward me. This doesn't mean I stop praying in charity for the person or the situation but that I distance myself in witness to the Gospel of Christ and my vocation in His holy Church.
I know that Christ has given me a very particular grace to realize this lack of spiritual discernment and the harm being done me by a particular relationship. I must respond to it. I have been blessed to know that no matter what I have given my heart to Him and it can't belong to anyone else. I can't share it; I cannot entrust it; I cannot let it be seen by any other in the way I have allowed Him. It is difficult and painful at times but I do believe that the convergence of all these things at this time tonight was in His plan for me to rededicate myself to Him and to promise further my love and devotion to Him alone.
God keep giving me the grace! Amen.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Art Museum
Today I took my kids to the Philadelphia Art Museum for a field trip. It was wonderful. I haven't been in a while although I really do love it there. After we arrived the kids ate lunch and then we had an hour to tour alone. One of the parents didn't show up so we had about twelve middle schoolers in a group.... of course it was interesting! Because I offered to make the groups, I gave myself all of the "special" children of God. I really do love them and they are good kids, but they have a lot of spirit in them! Since there were mostly boys we went almost straight to the horse and man arms. Lots of beautiful armor, knives, and guns kept the boys more than occupied.
God's grace did prevail in the beginning of our tour when, without my planning, we came upon some beautiful sacred art. (I just looked at the museum website and tried to find the exhibit but I don't see it and don't have enough time to research.) We entered thought a portal to a beautiful room and in the center an enormous Crucifix. The kids were amazed at His beauty and grace. They moved right past everything else in the room to get up close to Him. I read the information sheet on it, however; I don't remember much though because I was so taken by their faces as they identified the symbolism and love put into the creation of this work of art. I could see in their eyes that God was working in them as we pondered the beauty and richness of this image of Christ. We also saw a beautiful stone altar which filled them with amazement. They also saw some old Office Books on display and I reminded them of my own office book which I let them look through and explore one day when we went over it in class. When they realized that Catholics have celebrated these mysteries in the same way all this time they were really amazed.
Of course, we moved right onto the armory exhibit, which was also wonderful. It doesn't matter though... I saw God in their eyes today which is what I hope to see everyday. This morning while I was praying my Holy Hour before Morning Prayer I journaled that I hoped to be patient and loving this day with them. They were the ones who showed me their patience and their love. God's gifts are so great each and everyday. Today though, I am grateful to Him for my children who show me His life each and everyday.
God's grace did prevail in the beginning of our tour when, without my planning, we came upon some beautiful sacred art. (I just looked at the museum website and tried to find the exhibit but I don't see it and don't have enough time to research.) We entered thought a portal to a beautiful room and in the center an enormous Crucifix. The kids were amazed at His beauty and grace. They moved right past everything else in the room to get up close to Him. I read the information sheet on it, however; I don't remember much though because I was so taken by their faces as they identified the symbolism and love put into the creation of this work of art. I could see in their eyes that God was working in them as we pondered the beauty and richness of this image of Christ. We also saw a beautiful stone altar which filled them with amazement. They also saw some old Office Books on display and I reminded them of my own office book which I let them look through and explore one day when we went over it in class. When they realized that Catholics have celebrated these mysteries in the same way all this time they were really amazed.
Of course, we moved right onto the armory exhibit, which was also wonderful. It doesn't matter though... I saw God in their eyes today which is what I hope to see everyday. This morning while I was praying my Holy Hour before Morning Prayer I journaled that I hoped to be patient and loving this day with them. They were the ones who showed me their patience and their love. God's gifts are so great each and everyday. Today though, I am grateful to Him for my children who show me His life each and everyday.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Super-nun
Sometimes I feel like Super - Nun. This is not one of those times!
Nothing really has happened to make me feel so 'bleh'. It is just difficult being a religious, a teacher, a blood sister, a daughter, a friend, and a speaker. In each of those categories a million other things are required and they never fit into the twenty four hours I'm allotted each day (which is something I've been meaning to ask God about! Why such short days?! :) )
As a religious I spend about two hours a day in scheduled prayer. I live in community where I have charges to do and common life to participate in through meals, prayers, friendship, and chatter. As a teacher I am counselor, friend, parent, confidant, grader, planner, and a million other things. I still have a family that I never talk to and wish I could. My friends are getting engaged and married and sometimes I can't even keep track anymore!
I love my life, but sometimes I live it better than others. Sometimes I have so much energy and I get that balance so right and I feel like a million bucks. Those are the times when I feel like super - nun. When it all doesn't quite come together; when my emails are busting my inbox seams, when the papers, tests, and homework assignments are up to my eyeballs, when I'm running in the door just in time for prayers, when I'm going to sleep at midnight, and when I'm forgetting everything not attached to me... I wonder if I can actually do it!
This is one of those times... yet here I am blogging. Maybe not the best use of time, but it does help put a name on this lack of "super-nun" feeling. And it has given me some perspective. Jesus didn't call me to be successful and to be super-nun. He called me to be the woman I am in the life He chose for me in relationship with Him. I have to learn to be humble enough to accept my shortcomings and failings.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Random thoughts
You know what?... I just love being a sister. I don't know why, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by how awesome it is to be a spouse of Christ and a sister to His people. Community, ministry, mission, obedience, chastity, poverty... what gifts they are!!
As I have mentioned before, the summers are frequently chaotic as sisters are going on retreat, offering service in one of our many missions, and getting ready for another year of educational ministry. Tonight our superior made hot dogs for dinner. I love hot dogs! It really is the simple things that make everything worth while. We enjoyed a lovely dinner together on the porch. As we shared all our adventures from the day, I felt so blessed to be on this journey with my sisters.
Speaking of adventures.... my adventures were many in number today. I had to find some of the textbooks for my dear children, fix the showers in the convent, clean my charge, plan my lessons, meet with my superior, and decorate my classroom today. It was wild. As I reread everything I have done today I feel energized and excited because all of it was done in love and prayer for my sisters and for God's people.
Tomorrow another adventure awaits me. It is the last weekend before school starts and my dear sister - friend is coming to stay over at my convent. I am going to pick her up and we are going to buy a few things for my classroom before grabbing a cheese steak (I am in Philadelphia :)) and coming back to the convent.
Please pray for me as I prepare for school to begin! I will be praying for you!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Chastity
Well, last night someone told me that I was beautiful, but not in the, "oh, you're a young nun, you're so beautiful..." way. It was more in the way that a man tells a woman that she is beautiful. It really caught me off guard because I really haven't experienced that in such an obvious way as a religious before. As a religious I have experienced attractions that come and go but much more subtly.
Anyway, I didn't know what to say and it was super awkward, which I'm sure everyone can appreciate. That kind of awkwardness, unfortunately, happens to everyone.
It doesn't really matter what was said by this man to me or why or how, although it probably wouldn't have made me think so much about chastity if it had been rude or out of order instead of just a genuine compliment. What mattered was what happened in my heart after. I felt so discombobulated and distracted.
I knew that I needed to speak to God about what I was feeling. I prayed a very distracted compline and then I got into bed while still thinking about this interesting conversation I had just had. My normal practice when I get in bed at night is to pray my Rosary (my guardian angel finishes it for me every night!). Nothing spectacular happened except that a peace that transcends all peace relaxed everything in me. I was so moved by this peace that my deepest desire at that moment was to offer all my mixed and uncomfortable emotions about the night for the salvation and peace of the man who caused them to begin with.
I don't know if any of this is making sense, and I hope it doesn't scandalize at all because I am just speaking candidly of the struggles and daily choices all religious experience and make. What happened though was what chastity is all about. I was able in that sacrifice of myself to offer God a soul, to offer Him in prayer this son of His. What an amazing goodness that can come from a real interior struggle. I am just filled with awe at God's goodness to bring this man to me and to allow me to hold him in my heart the way that God would.
One time a very special religious told me that love is a commitment. Commitment is the definition of love. I am young and am still learning but I feel so clearly that God has won a small battle in my heart and in the heart of the one He brought to me last night. Love has prevailed. He is so so so good.
Anyway, I didn't know what to say and it was super awkward, which I'm sure everyone can appreciate. That kind of awkwardness, unfortunately, happens to everyone.
It doesn't really matter what was said by this man to me or why or how, although it probably wouldn't have made me think so much about chastity if it had been rude or out of order instead of just a genuine compliment. What mattered was what happened in my heart after. I felt so discombobulated and distracted.
I knew that I needed to speak to God about what I was feeling. I prayed a very distracted compline and then I got into bed while still thinking about this interesting conversation I had just had. My normal practice when I get in bed at night is to pray my Rosary (my guardian angel finishes it for me every night!). Nothing spectacular happened except that a peace that transcends all peace relaxed everything in me. I was so moved by this peace that my deepest desire at that moment was to offer all my mixed and uncomfortable emotions about the night for the salvation and peace of the man who caused them to begin with.
I don't know if any of this is making sense, and I hope it doesn't scandalize at all because I am just speaking candidly of the struggles and daily choices all religious experience and make. What happened though was what chastity is all about. I was able in that sacrifice of myself to offer God a soul, to offer Him in prayer this son of His. What an amazing goodness that can come from a real interior struggle. I am just filled with awe at God's goodness to bring this man to me and to allow me to hold him in my heart the way that God would.
One time a very special religious told me that love is a commitment. Commitment is the definition of love. I am young and am still learning but I feel so clearly that God has won a small battle in my heart and in the heart of the one He brought to me last night. Love has prevailed. He is so so so good.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Visitors...
Well, yesterday on the feast of St. Alphonsus, all the sisters gathered at the Motherhouse for our annual Convocation. It is a wonderfully beautiful day where we gather to pray together, share with one another, and be renewed by the words of our General Superior. Watching my sisters gathered together to celebrate our grace-filled heritage filled my eyes with tears. However, the most touching moment for me was when we sang St. Alphonsus' O God of Loveliness. Being daughters of Alphonsus, the words were very touching for us and I was not the only one with a few tears in my eyes. Here are the words:
O God of loveliness, O Lord of Heaven above,
How worthy to possess my heart’s devoted love.
So sweet Thy countenance, so gracious to behold
That one, one only glance to me were bliss untold.
Thou art blest Three in One, yet undivided still,
Thou art the One alone, whose love my heart can fill.
The heav’ns and earth below were fashioned by Thy Word,
How amiable art Thou, my ever dearest Lord.
To think Thou art my God—O thought forever blest!
My heart has overflowed with joy within my breast.
My soul so full of bliss, is plunged as in a sea,
Deep in the sweet abyss of holy charity.
O Loveliness supreme, and Beauty infinite,
O ever flowing Stream and Ocean of delight,
O Life by which I live, my truest Life above,
To Thee alone I give my undivided love.
After our guests left the Motherhouse and we collapsed after a joy-filled day, everyone wandered back to their rooms to rest. I awoke to the news of another guest - this one not so pleasant. I went to get some coffee this morning and there was a note on the white board which is usually reserved for schedule changes. It said, "BAT ALERT."
Well... after a busy day of sisters roaming in and out and all over the Motherhouse a bat decided to pay us a visit. So needless to say, he scared many a sister and is still stalking around here somewhere. It is a good thing we have some expert bat catchers. It is a frequent occurrence in the summer for us to find some of these dear creatures making themselves at home in the high ceilings and stone cellars of our beautiful Motherhouse. Naturally some sisters scream and run when they see them, while others have honed their skills and have become our very own bat catchers. They have their own nets and systems to find and capture our guests to release them back into the wild. Hopefully we find this little guy soon and return him to where he belongs.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Prayer, Work, Community
We always say the three main staples of religious life are prayer, work, and community life lived in the context of the evangelical counsels. But, boy, does it take a lot of practice to get these three things down! Sometimes the balance is exhausting. It is also rewarding.
Life never moved as quickly as it does for me in the convent. This morning feels like it happened years and years ago! I love the quote that I have frequently heard from my community's history, "A busy day in the life of a religious is one long canticle of praise." Well, it certainly doesn't always feel like a "canticle of praise." I can see though the moments that make these days filled with God. The child who just wants to talk, the Sister who needs a friend or someone to share in her work and joys, and making the time to spend in prayer with the Reason for it all.
As I reflect today on my day I realize how many interactions I have had that have been saturated by my relationship with God and I am so grateful that He is with me all the time! There are usually no moments to question, to reflect on what to do in the moment - so it is the preparation that counts, it is the fueling up in prayer that makes God come to life in the world each day. If I didn't pray each morning before I began my work - it would be meaningless. I am just so thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to spend myself in His service.
Now, after this probably meaningless little post, which probably doesn't make sense, I am going to throw myself into my bed and start all over again. It is a thought that although I am exhausted excites me in a way I have never been excited before. Thank you Lord for this life!
Life never moved as quickly as it does for me in the convent. This morning feels like it happened years and years ago! I love the quote that I have frequently heard from my community's history, "A busy day in the life of a religious is one long canticle of praise." Well, it certainly doesn't always feel like a "canticle of praise." I can see though the moments that make these days filled with God. The child who just wants to talk, the Sister who needs a friend or someone to share in her work and joys, and making the time to spend in prayer with the Reason for it all.
As I reflect today on my day I realize how many interactions I have had that have been saturated by my relationship with God and I am so grateful that He is with me all the time! There are usually no moments to question, to reflect on what to do in the moment - so it is the preparation that counts, it is the fueling up in prayer that makes God come to life in the world each day. If I didn't pray each morning before I began my work - it would be meaningless. I am just so thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to spend myself in His service.
Now, after this probably meaningless little post, which probably doesn't make sense, I am going to throw myself into my bed and start all over again. It is a thought that although I am exhausted excites me in a way I have never been excited before. Thank you Lord for this life!
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