Philadelphia

I haven't really identified too often where I live and I usually don't talk about particular situations but I feel like I'm ready to say what I've been thinking and praying about these past two weeks.

When I was in high school I converted to the Catholic Church.  My parents thought I was brainwashed by a priest.  I really didn't care.  I had finally found someone who really cared about my soul and I was grateful to God for that.  I was in college, before I was a sister, when the first sex abuse scandal broke in Philadelphia.  I remember being in Spanish class and having my teacher bring it up.  He was so insulting to the Church, in a Catholic college.  I walked out and reported him.  He told me he would fail me.  I really didn't care.  I knew it was an unfortunate and sinful thing that had happened but was being fixed.

However, I have to be honest when I say that I thought this was all behind us.  If you don't know... there is another grand jury report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia.  That's what I'm talking about.

Now as this next round begins; I'm a middle school teacher in the city.  Sisters and friends keep asking me, "Did you read what the Cardinal said?" "Did you see the news story on...?" "Has anyone at your house said...?".  My students eloquently ask, "What happened with those perverts?"  Now, I am normally the one who has read/seen/heard all the news on everything.  Most of my nun friends count on me to have the answers because I like to read and ponder and explore issues.  However, my answer these days has been "no" or "I don't know."

My "no" isn't because I want to pretend it isn't happening.  (Please, I work with 12-15 year olds... I don't get the luxury of pretending anything-they are like lie detector tests.)  My "no" is because I can't see that in my life right now my keeping up with this news is going to be the most fruitful or grace filled way for me to be present to the Church here.  My response has to be solution-oriented.  That is why it makes me so angry to see people protesting outside the Cathedral, spreading gossip and hearsay, and giving radio interviews about the whole situation.  None of those are solutions to the problem that is at hand.  They are simply talk and distraction from what God is really asking of us.

I'm sure that there are many people who would disagree that my approach is geared to a solution but I feel it truly is.  I am offering my sacrifices and my prayers for the Church in Philadelphia and I am trying to educate the future leaders of the Church here.  That is all that I can do.  I can see in the eyes of my students God's grace calling them forth to radical sacrifice and trust in His promise through these events which will shape their understanding of Church and holiness forever.  I can only rely on my own experience, that God brings forth great grace in times of great sin.  I have to believe that he will use even this terrible experience for the building up of the Kingdom.      

Then I look again at my kids... how do they make sense of this stuff?  We did talk about it in really general terms but the saddest thing is that they aren't even shocked.  They hear about this stuff all the time anyway.  Maybe it is better they don't get upset by it.  I don't really know.  I just know I'm trying to encourage them to live knowing that they are preparing for a future where they will be responsible for the unfortunate situation we are in now.  That's why I'm so proud of them.  They are living up to it though.  They are my hope.

I know it affects everyone in a different and daily way.  For me, I go to chapel in the early morning hours in the convent and I pray for our Church.  In my convent, the sister in charge of chapel put sign and candle in front of the altar saying that we are praying for our priests.  In my apostolate, I am trying to foster the spirit of loving sacrifice, perseverance, and selfless giving.  These seem to be exactly what we need... at least in my mind and heart.... during this time of sadness and pain.

I hope that God will accept my gift of self and the gifts that I know my students are offering for the Church in Philadelphia.  We have been blessed with saintly leaders like St. John Neumann and St. Katharine Drexel and I really believe God will give the grace to raise up more holy men and women to work hard - to give their lives - for the Church here.  I think my students find that exciting (except the whole body in a glass box thing - that kinda creeps them out :) ).

Jesus, please help us.  We have nothing if we don't have You.  Please enter the hearts of Your children and inspire in them radical faith, love, and hope to follow You unreservedly, knowing that You alone will fulfill their every desire.  Change our hearts Lord!        

Scattered

This morning I felt so much comfort in the response to the psalm at Mass, "In every age, O Lord, you have been our refuge."  This is probably going to be a really scattered post because I'm still thinking myself about everything that has happened in Philadelphia in the past few days.  Another indictment and another scandal has come out again.  It breaks the hearts of the people - the priests, the religious, the laity, the victims.  I'm still working it out in my mind and heart right now.  I have tried to post a few times but have stopped each time because I'm just not sure what to say.

I can't describe the sorrow I feel about everything.  I really do believe in faith that God is allowing us to experience this terrible mortification and purification right now for our own good.  When I look at the state our Church is in at this time I just wait and watch to see the great holy men and women God will call to do His work... to rebuild His Church.  My students fill my heart with hope as I watch their hearts slowly be enflamed through the purifying fire that is upon us now.

We received a letter to send home to parents after the news broke but the teachers were not allowed to comment on it.  My kids being the holy-rollers they are, wanted to read it right away when they saw it was from the Cardinal.  As I told them to put the letters in their backpacks they reminded me, "But Sister, this is important.  It's from the Cardinal!"  The next day they wanted us to talk about it again.  I wish I could have but I was under not permitted to do so.    Instead we spoke about how God could be calling them to be the hope and the future of the Church.  A few days before we were talking about the story of Abraham and the idea of sacrificing our wills.  My students came up with a few ways they could try to sacrifice their wills.  They are really competitive so it wasn't hard at all for me to get them to think of the best way to beat themselves!  They decided that they would offer one of those sacrifices for the Archdiocese of Philadelphia without any prompting of my own.

How much will God listen to the sacrifices of His dear children in response to the pain and hurt of His children before?  I believe their sacrifices will be what saves us.

I have to be honest when I say that I am angry at those who have caused this to happen to our Church.  That is not to say that I believe everything in the media but that I'm sure what they report has happened at some point and I am furious with a righteous anger that we have been betrayed as a Church and as children of God.  I am also convinced that God will raise up leaders whose holiness will be a brilliant light for the world.

We are at such a unique time where the sin of the world has entered into the Church and we are losing more and more everyday - not to say that there aren't any hopeful signs - but to be truthful that it is a difficult time for anyone to follow Christ.  I really believe that there will be a new springtime of generous sacrifice, radical love, and deep conversion to living the Gospel.  At the same time I hope they don't resent the rest of us too much for our shortcomings.  They have been failed.

Please join with me in prayer that God does for us what we need... that He cares for us as His children and that He protects the children under our care now and always.  Jesus, we need you!  Amen.

Vocation Awareness

Well... I just wanted to say I was grateful for the comments on my last post.  I'm going to put it on the side burner until I get a little perspective... or distance, from this strange encounter I have had.  In other news... it was vocation awareness week this week and I tried to make my dear students very, very aware.  I know, I always say it, but, they are the best kids in the whole world.

Many of them, as their hormones rage in middle school, say that they would not want to be a priest, sister, brother, consecrated virgin...   I love their honesty and questions and I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything in their hearts and minds.  It is interesting to me that the sixth grade boys tell me everything, the eighth grade girls tell me everything and seventh grade, boys and girls, can't keep a secret to save their lives.  It makes them all the more endearing to my heart!

Anyway, the other day, one of the girls in eighth grade was giving me the update on the two boys who are both attempting to win her affections these days.  She is just a beautiful girl who has had a very difficult family life but has matured with the help of God's grace.  I listened as I always do and gave her my advice... (one of the boys seems much nicer than the other!).  Her homeroom teacher came to me at the end of the day and told me that she said that I was the "perfect nun." HA!  Her reasoning was that I "was holy, but still understood the business..."  It made me really happy to hear that - even though I'm not holy... she is right that I understand "the business."  It isn't that long that I have been out of the dating scene and I think I do "get it."

After that, one of my boys came to talk to me about something I told him the other day.  He was goofing off with one of the other boys.  They really are good kids but it certainly wasn't the most respectful conversation as far as women go.  I said to him, "If I were (the girl he liked), my feelings would be hurt right now."  He said to me, "Sister, you were right.  I talked to 'Mary' last night and she was upset about what I said.  I said I was sorry and it's alright now."  I won't lie... I definitely was happy to hear I was right! haha.  But I was happier that he learned something about how much it matters how he acts.  He is really a leader among his peers and if he knows how to behave, he can influence many of them to behave like young Catholic men.

No matter what my girls or boys choose to do with their lives, although I hope and pray that they follow God's will for them, I will be proud of them for their decisions.  I know that they are growing into mature and responsible young men and women.  I thank God so much for the opportunity to walk with them.  It is such a gift to me to be able to see His grace operating in their lives.  It fills my heart with gratitude and love as I watch them grow into God's own special gift to the world.