Reading the Mind of God

I know... it's not possible... don't worry I'm not suggesting anything heretical, haha.  But I cannot help but wonder sometimes what it would look like to see the whole picture of myself or of someone else's soul at a particular moment of grace from the eyes of God.  He obviously sees so much more but in that moment, for us to see, it would be breathtaking.  The past, present, and future of a person plus their unique makeup of personality, nature, dreams, hopes, fears, and sins all at the same time from one point of view - it's amazing.  And all of that perspective, all that knowledge at once fits into the equation of what grace to give... what God's will is for them individually.

I'm always trying to figure Him out... I love solving big questions.  I know this isn't one I can solve, haha... but I still always try.  When I know that there is a decision I have to make I think to myself, "How is He playing this round?"  I know I'm being fresh, haha, but I really do take it very seriously.  I think about what decision would be contrary to my own selfish will.  I think about the future effects of any decision.  I think about what I've done in the past.  I think about my usual sins, my usual goodness... I try to see the pattern, the design.  I never succeed.

I should probably just trust that God will give me the grace to follow His will when He has planned it.  However, I still am so fascinated by how He works that I just can't stop analyzing it.  I mean, try to imagine the way God sees you in each moment with all your complexities at once.  It's mind boggling.  Then add in the fact that you are part of the Body of Christ, all joined together - and He sees all of that at once... each of us individually and each of us together as one.  How can we not trust?!      

It's not Christmas unless someone cries.

Most of the sisters in my community would say these weeks are the worst weeks of the year; in school grades are due, the convent is being decorated, the kids are crazy, time is short, cookies need to be baked, presents wrapped, cards sent, and all the everyday things keep happening.  I had my melt-down day today.  In the novitiate, we always used to say that it wasn't Christmas if someone didn't cry.  I was never that someone until today.

People sometimes warn about over-spiritualizing normal events in everyday life.  I think I have failed to spiritualize them enough though these days.  I've been so overwhelmed with school and community preparations for Christmas that I've forgotten that God is in all these things too.  I hate to cry.  I really don't even like emotions all that much... I know they are necessary but it's just not in me.  Tonight though it all became too much for me.  I spent all weekend at school working on some things that really weren't justly mine.  I endured the advice of others to "relax." Then I felt the wrath of missing something important that I should have done a while ago.  Needless to say, I found myself getting ready for bed and just crying.  As I felt sorry for myself I realized that there are still opportunities that God gives me to forgive, to love, to be humbled, to sacrifice and mortify myself, and to work for His mission in the world.  I just forgot that all these everyday things had that kind of meaning and grace in them.  Basically, I was being a whiny brat.  (I usually tell my middle school kids to "take it like a man" when they get a demerit or a detention, and I was not taking my own advice.)

Confession time - I haven't prayed as I should these days.  I have bronchitis and I am exhausted so for the past week I have missed my daily prayer time in order to get more sleep so that I can work my life away.  I know that has hurt my chances of doing anything the way God intends me to do it.  Anyway, my prayer hasn't been great when it happens either.  It's like I'm in a rut.  Usually, I do really well to journal about things.  It helps me to discern God's voice and action in my life but recently I've just been telling Him all the things I have to do.  It has nothing to do with Him and it is all about me.

I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but again I know I'm falling into the trap of trying to "do" something in order to reap a benefit I see that I need.  I know I really need to just entrust it all to the mercy of God and know that in His goodness He will show me His love and compassion.

I struggle with whether or not to share this particular part of my sadness tonight on a public forum but I think it is appropriate to share using prudence.  It is hard as an active religious sometimes to totally avoid occasions of sin.  Sometimes something small that someone says, while I am trying to be charitable and understanding, will stick with me and torture me.  It may touch my pride, envy, or desire for affection and that thought will invade all other things.  Something like that has been happening to me lately and I don't know quite how to handle it with charity and gentleness.  Jesus did say to Peter, "Get behind me Satan."  I do know that I need to end the relationship from which this temptation is coming toward me.  This doesn't mean I stop praying in charity for the person or the situation but that I distance myself in witness to the Gospel of Christ and my vocation in His holy Church.

I know that Christ has given me a very particular grace to realize this lack of spiritual discernment and the harm being done me by a particular relationship.  I must respond to it.  I have been blessed to know that no matter what I have given my heart to Him and it can't belong to anyone else.  I can't share it; I cannot entrust it; I cannot let it be seen by any other in the way I have allowed Him.  It is difficult and painful at times but I do believe that the convergence of all these things at this time tonight was in His plan for me to rededicate myself to Him and to promise further my love and devotion to Him alone.

God keep giving me the grace!  Amen.    

How do you know?

The top most asked question of high school girls about vocations is, "How do you know?"  I answered quite a few of those questions this weekend at a retreat for young women discerning religious life.  However, I also received a question that I've never been asked before, "What if it is all a waste... what if God isn't real and you've wasted your life for no reason?"

I guess people have eluded to that question at times and I've answered that I'm happy in my life and I'm doing good so it really isn't a waste... at least it isn't a waste any more or less than anyone else's life in those circumstances.  However I answered a little differently this time around.

So far, what I've come up with is more of a conviction than an answer.  Intellectually speaking, sure, it could all be a mistake.  God could not be real, He could not exist.  I'm not going to argue the possibility, although I know there are wonderful theological proofs!  My answer is that I love Him enough to take the chance.  I'm willing to lay down my life for the very possibility that the love of Christ exists.  Let's be honest, as human beings sometimes belief seems to be more about how we feel than what we know.  I've decided to commit myself to the hope of Christ's love whether I feel it or not.

There are many times when I don't feel it.  There are a lot of times it doesn't all make sense and yet again I remember that I made vows to that which I know only by faith.  I pray that God continues to bless me with that gift and that He continues to call out generous, self-sacrificing women to carry that gift as well.    

Retreat!

This evening I am going to begin my retreat and I am so excited.  I have a few good books that I can read if I desire, but the best part of retreat is that it is all about what desire God gives me in each moment.  There is no "achieving" in retreat, no "doing."  It is just time to be with the Lord and let Him guide me and bring me to a place of rest and refreshment.  So, please pray for me during these days as I will also be praying for all of you!

God bless!

PS. The visitor was "caught" and released!

O will of God... so difficult at times!

Do you remember being denied some desire as a child that would have resulted in a moment of instant gratification in a pure and innocent way? For example, mom and dad might have said no to a big ice cream cone before dinner, or a hot dog at a fair even though you already ate lunch, or an ice pop from the ice cream truck in the summer (Interesting, isn't it, that all my childhood memories of being denied something I really wanted center around food... I wonder what that means!).

I feel like a spoiled child of God right now! I know what I want... that forbidden ice cream cone. However, I also know that I am going to be denied it and I just don't want to go along with it. Sometimes God's good will is like this. When I feel this way, this temptation to have something, I think of the grace that God is showering upon me to conquer my will in even a very small way. These days, however, God is asking me to conquer my will in a much harder way. I am not very strong in this. I am quite stubborn and very logical... so I think I'm always right. Oh, Lord help me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I am in need of the prayers of His faithful in these days. I would be very grateful if you would remember me in prayer as I try to do His will in a difficult situation.

Hopefully I will be able to write a little more often soon. God bless you!