Envy... Holy Envy... I don't know...

I envy families.  A lot!  I've talked briefly about my own family before here but not as the actual topic of a post.  Tonight it is.  It's hard for me to write about but I think it is important too.  I've felt in religious life quite often that I don't quite belong because of my family history.  Most of the sisters with whom I live and work view family in a very different way than I do.  I should say, they view their own family's differently than I do.  I think we have the same objective value of the family but our experiences are so different.  A lot of sisters I live with can't imagine not being devoted to their parents.  They can't imagine not thinking that their parents are saints in heaven... that they gave them their vocations.

Then, on the other hand, is me.  My family is broken.  I hate the way it sounds but it is the truth.  Throughout everything that has happened and everything I don't understand still - I never thought that it would all come together like it has now in my life.  God alone knew that that suffering I had to endure would prepare me to be the bearer of immense grace toward others.

I think the hardest thing about having such a dysfunctional family is the not-knowing.  As the child, no matter the age, you can never fully understand the effect of, the sequence of, and the cause of the events which forever change your world view and your understanding of life and then somehow you must pick up the pieces.  For someone as logical as I am - walking around with such doubts and insecurities is very difficult.  Every day I remember something new that didn't click when everything was "under the rug."  But now that my parents are divorced it sheds a new light on all the experiences I've had.  I wish I could understand all of them but I know that there is no way for me to do so... so I must live with the unknowing.

Anyway... now it serves me well.  The pain is still there and the discomfort is still raw... I imagine it will stay that way.  However... most of my students have this same experience and I offer it for them.  I share it with them.  My co-workers share this pain with me and they come to me with their experiences of family strife because I understand... and I think it is a sad gift now that I have been given.

There is certainly a reward in seeing the heart animate a face which has found understanding in another person's heart.  God is good in providing these loving moments of solidarity with one another to give the love that was lacking in other ways.  Blessings are always around.

Generosity and Gentlemen

I think it is really interesting being a young religious in a church that is aging in the United States.  I mean really... I'm the only person at Sunday Mass who doesn't have white hair at this point.  I know its different in other areas but where I am the truth is that I'm alone as a young person.  Which is why some socially Catholic things - if I might call them that- surprise me all the time!  Most often I'm surprised by manners and the generosity of others.

For example, last night I was at a function in the parish hall for a family.  Now my superior always worries when I'm out late because the neighborhood is kinda crazy - but I'm in my twenties - I'm kind of fearless.  I always say they should be worried about the other guy!  So as it hit quarter after 10, I started to say my goodbyes and go back to the convent.  Now, I know I shouldn't be surprised by this at all, but one of the dads walked me home.  I felt like I was some crippled old  nun, haha!  However, although it made me feel old which I hate, I liked that someone took the time to make sure that I got home safely.  It was a nice gesture.  I started thinking about my life before religious life and I don't think there were many men around who thought to care for the safety of a woman going home at night.  That's just one example though - when I'm taking the trash out the guys from AA run to the door to grab the bag for me before I step out, parishioners offer me rides when I'm out for a walk, people try to carry my bags for me, when I buy the soda and water the coaches come out from practice and bring it in the convent.

No, I'm not trying to highlight the perks of entering religious life (although it's a great life!) - I'm just surprised coming from our modern culture of equality between the sexes which has resulted in a loss of courteous behavior that some people still do these small acts of kindness.  I try all the time to instill in my boys in school those kinds of behaviors but it doesn't come naturally to them.  Even though their dads are a good example to them, they think it's old fashioned.  It is - but who is to say it's wrong - I say bring it back!  They are just getting the hang of it and they love to be complimented when they do the right thing.  Unfortunately, they now fight over holding the doors for me - but they'll stop beating each other up eventually... maybe when they are 30...40??.

Then there is the generosity of others.  I have had a tough week as far as generosity goes.  A priest I know gave me twenty dollars for helping him with something - I felt terrible and I tried to tell him I didn't need any money - but he made me take it.  So, I thought, I'll use this for the fundraiser the parish is having so it will go to charity.  When I got to the parish event - someone else paid for my ticket.  Then people paid for tickets to put my name in the raffle drawings.  So not only had I not given my charitable offering - I had actually gained in winnings.

What's a nun to do when she can't get rid of money??  I have a few other ideas but I'm hoping I don't get foiled... one of them is a nice treat for the kids.  We'll see if they deserve it after these last days of school, haha.  Either way - here I am - stuck between these two foreign cultures coexisting.  Sometimes, like today, they bang together.  I was at Walmart and I was standing in line watching the cashier watching me.  He was young and I saw him staring at me while he was ringing up the customer in front of me.  When he rang up my purchase he gave me my receipt and change and patted my hand and said, "God bless you, Sister."  Then he turned his light off for his break and offered to take my one bag to the car for me - on his break.  I talked him out of it but it was unbelievable.  Men never treated me so nicely when I was available and now that I'm not I'm continually surprised.  I think there is merit in religious life just for the culture and for society in general.  It isn't about me but somehow a religious inspires thoughtfulness and generosity and I think the visibility of religious is a leaven for a society which is becoming increasingly self-centered.

So there you have it, generosity and gentlemen in religious life.  I hope they are trends that continue!

Good Friday Reflection

Well, my reflections from this Good Friday weren't so "good" for me.  I'm sure they are good for my soul but I don't think anyone ever looks forward to loss and sacrifice -  both places where God brought me in my retreat today.

I'm finding myself feeling more and more confused as I ask, "What needs to die in me?"  The answers are all things that I don't want to have to give up... or things that don't want to give me up.  I am sure that there are deaths that must happen for my relationship with Jesus to deepen and spread to those around me.  This time though, I don't feel the zeal or the fight to let those things die.  I can see quite clearly where I am going wrong and how I can fix it.  I can see how my life would be better.  But for some reason my heart is not jumping to act on this knowledge... and I'm not sure why.

I spent my prayer time today reading Jesus' Prayer for the Disciples - John 19.  It hits me anew each time I read it and I think it must be my favorite Gospel.  Here is one part that really touched me today.

"I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.

They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.

Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth.

As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.

And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth."

I can hear Jesus' impassioned prayer to the Father to care for each of His own and it amazes me that he could be so close to arrest and death yet so focused, not on Himself, but on me and on you.  And here I am, avoiding the death and sacrifice that is so necessary to what is happening in my church, my community, and my own soul right now.  Is that how I lost my zeal and my "heart"... by losing sacrifice?  I'm not sure.  What I do know is that it was unintentional but has now become learned and I must unlearn it with little or no feelings passion and desire to do so.  My mind is on one track and my heart is hardened on the other.

I'm sure this happens to us all at some points.  There are times when we are at our best and others when we are at our worst.  My best is when I'm working hard at a very focused task and when I'm praying and living well the community life I've been called to.  My worst is when I become preoccupied with my "image" - how I look, how people see me and when I feel stressed and out of control.  I know I need to hand this over to Christ but I'm having a difficult time doing that now.  I know who I want to be and how to be that... but the work - the sacrifice and the suffering - seem more than I can give right now.  I know that that feeling - the feeling of some task being beyond my resources - is really a very special opportunity to trust completely in the power of Christ's saving love.      

I know I must die to have life.  Christ please give me the grace to die the deaths I must die to truly be a follower of You.  I want to be close to You only.  Hold me in your Sacred Heart and let me respond to Your words alone.

Edited to add... Can you tell I need a spiritual director??  It's extremely difficult to find one! :)

It's all about me!

Actually... it's not - but I like to think it is.  I guess it's human nature to a certain extent to see the world around us in terms of how it affects us personally.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  I think, first, because of necessity.  I've been having to do a lot of reflecting at this time of the year so I've been a little focused on myself.  Secondly, I've been under a lot of stress and because of that I've been looking at all MY work, MY school, MY prayer, MY charge, MY time.

It's strange how something small can suddenly jerk you back into perspective.  For me, today, it was the simple fact that someone I care about hasn't answered an email from me for two days!  I know - how impatient - two days is nothing... but it was important to me.  Then I got an email from someone else about that person and I just felt my heart sink.  All of the sudden I realized that I was being really self-centered.  I couldn't rejoice with the other person because I was so caught up in myself.

It stinks to realize that it's not about me... it stinks to realize that I've been so full of pride and selfish.  But I'm thankful it happened.  I'm thankful I can see it now.  Perspective really makes all the difference in the things that happen.  I'm going to definitely take this to prayer now that school is ended for the holy days to come.

Update!

Well, it has been a crazy March!  I haven't had a minute to myself in weeks.  Finally, this Saturday I could take a little holy relaxation!  That is probably why I am up so late because I just don't want this free time to end!  So, anyway, I think a post is in order.  Between school, community, and prayer there has been nothing but sleep in the middle!  However, I really feel very called right now to sacrifice and suffering as the future of religious life and I am happy to suffer and sacrifice because of fatigue, generosity, and zeal.

My community has been talking a lot about the future lately and I feel compelled to share some of my insights.  First, I am really blessed to live in a community where I feel I can share my own feelings and thoughts without judgement and while knowing that although not everyone agrees with me we all respect one another.  There really is a spirit of fraternal charity and the work of grace in our everyday conversations with one another.  At the same time, I think we are at a point where we have to be challenged and challenge one another to be the religious women we are called to be.  A sister recently told me, "Your religious life is your ONLY religious life."  You only get one and you are the only one who gets to live that particular life.  It was so amazing to hear someone verbalize that calling in such a profound way.  I don't know what is ahead for me but God has given me this religious life at this time for a particular reason - and the same is true for everyone else.

That very simple thought makes me feel extremely personally responsible for the future of religious life in my congregation.  What am I doing that furthers God's mission in the world?  How am I building up the Kingdom of God?  How am I witnessing to the relationship I have with Jesus to everyone I meet?  Am I really living the religious life I desire and God desires for me?

Now I will be busy all April answering these questions.  Holy Spirit - enlighten me!

Lesson Planning

Any teachers can appreciate the much used acronym, "SWBAT."  For those who are not teachers or who don't use this acronym all the time... it stands for, "Students will be able to..."  When I write my lessons for each unit I write a list of things that my students will be able to do by the end of the unit or lesson.  After the "to" I always begin my objective with a dynamic verb from Bloom's Taxonomy.  I know all of this sounds ridiculous (unless your a teacher) but it has some really practical applications that I hadn't thought of until this evening when I was talking to another sister about our religious life.

What if I changed "Student" to "Sister"?  What should sister be able to do?  Well, looking at the verbs from Bloom's Taxonomy I have a few ideas.

Sister will be able to...

1. identify God's presence in the people she serves and the sisters with whom she lives.
2. explain in word and in action God's salvific work.
3. be an example of the intimate relationship between God and each soul.
4. demonstrate charity and mercy working with justice and morality by showing compassion while still challenging God's people.
5. prepare for the coming of God's Kingdom.
6. differentiate between right and wrong and help others to do the same.
7. relate to her sisters as "one in mind and heart."
8. reconstruct the world around her to be in line with the values of the Kingdom of God.
9. justify her belief in her Spouse through prayer and knowledge, with the gift of faith, for all people.

Now, I'm sure I could come up with a lot more... and much more eloquent examples.  However, it was an easy way for me to meditate and pray over what it is that Jesus, the divine teacher, is trying to bring about in my heart and soul.  This is a quick, five minute, list of objectives.  It is a really easy way for me to both examine my conscience and look to where God is calling me.  What could God be calling you to be able to do?

March

Well, as far as my life is concerned, March is already a wash.  No free weekends, free days, time at all - just lots of new and exciting, exhausting and overwhelming, work and fun.  It looks like the storm before the calm is here.  Summer is coming but these next few months are going to be wild.

On Saturday I went to a funeral and then straight to the Motherhouse for a community meeting.  After the community meeting, feeling quite overwhelmed by what I needed to get done, my young nun friends and I went out for a little pizza and a lot of chat.  It was great to be together and just talk about what is going on in our schools and houses.  Although we are all inundated with tons of work it was great to take a little time to enjoy one another's company.

It's amazing how much a good friend does for the spiritual life.  I came back to my local house feeling refreshed and rededicated to doing my best to live religious life to the fullest.  It doesn't always feel like roses and rainbows.  It requires a lot of sacrifice and we all get rundown and unenthusiastic at times.  Spiritual friendships form the foundation to continue forward in charity and forgiveness to be better than before.  My friends helped me remember whose I am and who I am.

My Nuns Rock!

My local convent community is basically awesome.  This is my first year here and these sisters amaze me with their generosity and hospitality ALL the time.  Whatever shortcomings we all have... together... we are a really great group.  I'm so grateful to God for putting me in this community with these particular sisters.

This weekend I realized all over again how awesome they really are.  I asked to invite a large group of young sisters to stay at our house overnight so that we could recreate and be together.  They said yes and were thrilled to have the youngin's invade the house.  We live in a rather large house for the number of sisters here so there is a lot of room.  As part of our community spirit of hospitality I got all the sisters rooms ready for them before they came; beds turned down, towels out, extra blanket ready, homemade welcome sign, and a little Valentine gift on their beds.  I had a lot of fun, haha.  I love to entertain.

After everyone arrived safe and sound, well almost sound... this was Catholic Horrors...ummm... I mean Catholic Schools Week, we found out that one of the sisters had a little gift for us too.  Her superior gave us a little donation to get a bite out to eat.  We went for some wonderful food and talked, talked, and talked some more... about convent life, prayer, community, school, students, friends, family... and anything else we could think of.  When we got back, we joined the nuns in the community room and chatted for a while again.

When the majority of the group had fallen asleep in their chairs we got everyone up to bed amidst a lot of giggling and smiles.  It was just great to be together.  We slept in and went to a late Mass... after which we continued talking and just enjoying one another's company.

Bottom line is... other nuns might be annoyed by a bunch of giggly, loud, and goofy young nuns hanging around but mine are awesome (obviously we aren't disrespectful but it is nice to let loose with one another).  They were just happy to share our convent home with other sisters and enjoy one another's company.  It was great.

So now I am feeling quite happy and energetic about everything.  I love this feeling... it is definitely God's way of telling me to keep going and enjoy the exciting ride of religious life.  He is so present in that hospitality and goodness of the sisters with whom I live and I love to see Him there all the time!    

Religious Habit

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about the habit.  I've had some uncomfortable experiences in the past few months regarding my habit and so I have been trying to work it all out in my head and heart and for some reason, I feel like sharing.

My take on the habit is that it is absolutely necessary.  My community has some options and to be completely honest - I hate it.  I wish we all wore the same thing all the time.  However, we do wear a habit and for that I am grateful.    The style of habit I wear is definitely in my opinion - "poor, modest, and becoming."  It is practical for the work I do and the place I live and it certainly offers a witness to the people I meet.  

However, my recent experiences have left me questioning my attitudes about the habit and the attitudes of others.  It doesn't make me uncomfortable when people point out how happy they are to see a young sister in a habit - it is a normal and appropriate conversation piece.  However, when a grown man tells me that I'm too young and beautiful to be a sister - a red alarm goes off in my mind.  When someone stops me in the store to ask me where I work and what community I am in - I happily answer, with as much information as I can safely give.  However, when someone asks to touch me (yes - I'm not joking - this did happen) I am extremely uncomfortable.  I mean - how do you graciously answer that question?!  

The above examples being strange - I would also add that others are just plain scary.  While I love that the world knows that I am a spouse of Christ because of my habit - because of that witness I can also become an easy target.  I didn't realize this until very recently when a man (a man who should have known better by his state in life than to say this to me) stated, "You should be careful, many men will find you attractive because you are young, pretty, and in a habit."  (His intention was not to honestly warn me.)  

Since then I have found myself extremely uncomfortable in a few situations and I have been asking myself a few questions to which I still have no answers.  Should I stop wearing the habit I now wear in favor of a less feminine version?  Does the veil always incite this type of attention?  Are there times when it is appropriate, prudent, and justifiable not to wear the habit for the safety of oneself?  Would people identify me as "less of a nun" if I wore a habit that was not as traditional as the more feminine one I wear now even though it is still blessed?  How do I continue to give an open, approachable, and honest witness while still guarding myself from the inappropriate comments of others?

So those are my thoughts at the moment on the habit - not the most religious and inspiring, but a struggle that I'm sharing for now.  I hope it wasn't too much to share, but I do feel like sometimes the issue of the habit isn't talked about with a lot of openness and understanding and I just wanted to shed another light on it.  Let me know what you think.

Panic and Peace

Well... here is the update... I've lost it all.  There is no retrieving any of my information on my broken flash drive. I have been spending quite a bit of time trying to make up for so much lost work so I haven't been writing too much.

I bet many of my kids had a little breakdown before they had to come back to school after a whole week off.  I mean, it's daunting to have time to be free and then know how much work is ahead of you.  I had the same experience right before school started back up again this week!  While I stayed pretty calm for a few days after the flash drive incident when I went to school to get prepared to teach this past week I was very very upset.

When I told the kids what happened their first question was, "Did you cry, Sister?"  The answer is YES.  It was so overwhelming to lose so much work.  I didn't even know where to begin again.  I had everything planned for the year.  What I realized though was that God was shaking me up a little bit.  Everything has been going to well for me but it has been due to my reliance on myself and not on Him.  I don't think HE broke my flash drive, haha, but He did use it for His own purposes.

I really think that feeling uncomfortable is a sign for me of God working in  my life.  Anytime I get too comfortable with myself, my apostolate, my prayer, my community; I see God throw some loops into my perfect world so that I can practice trusting Him and allowing Him to be in control of my life.  I have a really hard time doing that.  Discomfort lets me know that I'm on the right path.  That discomfort forces me to be more intentional in the way I live religious life and the way I serve God's people.  It's a great tool for me to grow.

So, while my lost flash drive is a huge setback in my schoolwork, it is a forward movement in relationship with God.  I'm trying to remind myself of that as I work through the weekend.  Thank God it snowed and I wouldn't have been able to go out anyway!

The Art Museum

Today I took my kids to the Philadelphia Art Museum for a field trip.  It was wonderful.  I haven't been in a while although I really do love it there.  After we arrived the kids ate lunch and then we had an hour to tour alone.  One of the parents didn't show up so we had about twelve middle schoolers in a group.... of course it was interesting!  Because I offered to make the groups, I gave myself all of the "special" children of God.  I really do love them and they are good kids, but they have a lot of spirit in them!  Since there were mostly boys we went almost straight to the horse and man arms.  Lots of beautiful armor, knives, and guns kept the boys more than occupied.

God's grace did prevail in the beginning of our tour when, without my planning, we came upon some beautiful sacred art.  (I just looked at the museum website and tried to find the exhibit but I don't see it and don't have enough time to research.)  We entered thought a portal to a beautiful room and in the center an enormous Crucifix.  The kids were amazed at His beauty and grace.  They moved right past everything else in the room to get up close to Him.  I read the information sheet on it, however; I don't remember much though because I was so taken by their faces as they identified the symbolism and love put into the creation of this work of art.  I could see in their eyes that God was working in them as we pondered the beauty and richness of this image of Christ.  We also saw a beautiful stone altar which filled them with amazement.  They also saw some old Office Books on display and I reminded them of my own office book which I let them look through and explore one day when we went over it in class.  When they realized that Catholics have celebrated these mysteries in the same way all this time they were really amazed.

Of course, we moved right onto the armory exhibit, which was also wonderful.  It doesn't matter though... I saw God in their eyes today which is what I hope to see everyday.  This morning while I was praying my Holy Hour before Morning Prayer I journaled that I hoped to be patient and loving this day with them.  They were the ones who showed me their patience and their love.  God's gifts are so great each and everyday.  Today though, I am grateful to Him for my children who show me His life each and everyday.

Thanksgiving

Today I am giving thanks for the gift of community.  On Tuesday the kids asked me where I would be going to Thanksgiving.  While my convent is going to the convent down the street for our Thanksgiving dinner, I told the kids that the sisters celebrate all holidays together before doing any personal visiting of family and friends for the holidays.  My kids were upset and asked why we couldn't go home for the holidays.  I told them that some sisters don't have anywhere to go and we would never leave a sister alone.

They don't know this, but I am one of those sisters who doesn't have anywhere to go for the holidays.  I think a lot of people still take for granted that sisters come from wonderful Catholic families full of love and joy.  While I guess that seems to be true for the majority, for me it isn't.  It makes the holidays very difficult at times.  If we didn't celebrate together, I would be alone.  My parents are divorced and I don't have a family home to stay in.  I depend on community for companionship and that truly Christ-centered family love.

Our visit to the convent down the street for Thanksgiving was so lovely.  When we arrived the sisters stopped what they were doing to talk and chat in the community room until dinner was ready.  All was being kept warm in the oven when we went together to Chapel for prayers.  We got together to "swell the crowd" and we certainly were stuffed in together in Chapel.  It was such a nice way to share faith and community.  There was a beautiful prayer waiting at our spots in the dining room which we said together.  Then the feast began!  Laughter, tears, stories, fun, and joy flavored every minute of our delicious meal with one another.

It was also a gift to be with sisters I know well and sisters I've never met before and still feel welcomed and at home.  After all, our hearts and minds are one and no matter what we belong together to walk this journey to the Lord.  I can't help but think that our little gathering was a small beginning to "Preparing the way for the Lord." as we enter into Advent.  Where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there and tonight was a wonderful example to me of that true Presence.

So thank You God for my vocation, my community, my friends, my sisters, my consecration, my vows, and the love you have put into my heart.  Amen.

Chastity and Community

Well, believe it or not, I'm actually posting two days in a row.  This is just a super honest post about something I've been thinking and praying about lately.  I'm going to be totally honest.  Chastity is hard.

The tough thing about living with women much older than you is that they love love stories and romances.  There's nothing wrong with those beautiful hallmark movies about families and love and children and marriage and all that wholesome goodness.  However, when you come from a broken family and you've sacrificed that part of your life for the Kingdom, it does start to wear on you during the Christmas love story season.

On top of that, it is difficult at times to see children come in and out of your classroom where you love them with all your heart and  they don't realize it.  It is increasingly difficult I think for young women entering religious life to reconcile their lived family situations, which are increasingly difficult, with the experiences of many sisters with whom they live.  It is painful for me sometimes to think of the idea of family because of my own family experiences.  I've been wallowing in it a little bit these days.  I know that isn't the best or correct thing to do but it's just where I've been.

Anyway, tonight when I was wallowing, I got a phone call from a friend.  It is amazing what friendship in religious life can really do for you.  I became friends with this sister who is about 40 years older than me, when I took care of her sick sister, who was also a religious sister.  I only talked to my friend for ten minutes, and not about chastity; however, I left the call feeling loved, strengthened, and ready to continue on my way in spite of the sadness I've been feeling.

Community can both be a challenge and a blessing in trying to live the vows.  Sometimes we are so worried about being "holier than thou" that we shy away from challenging one another to live the Gospel more radically.  Sometimes we are so concerned with keeping up appearances that we forget to share with one another our struggles and needs, especially when it comes to chastity.  Sometimes we get so defensive we lose the freedom to be obedient.  In short, humanity comes in and makes things confusing and hard.

God is so good though because just when I think it is too difficult He takes care of me through the sisters He has chosen for me.    His ways are mysterious and as I told my kids recently, you can't find a better man than Jesus.

Super-nun

Sometimes I feel like Super - Nun.  This is not one of those times!  

Nothing really has happened to make me feel so 'bleh'.  It is just difficult being a religious, a teacher, a blood sister, a daughter, a friend, and a speaker.  In each of those categories a million other things are required and they never fit into the twenty four hours I'm allotted each day (which is something I've been meaning to ask God about!  Why such short days?! :) )  

As a religious I spend about two hours a day in scheduled prayer.  I live in community where I have charges to do and common life to participate in through meals, prayers, friendship, and chatter.  As a teacher I am counselor, friend, parent, confidant, grader, planner, and a million other things.  I still have a family that I never talk to and wish I could.  My friends are getting engaged and married and sometimes I can't even keep track anymore!

I love my life, but sometimes I live it better than others.  Sometimes I have so much energy and I get that balance so right and I feel like a million bucks.  Those are the times when I feel like super - nun.  When it all doesn't quite come together; when my emails are busting my inbox seams, when the papers, tests, and homework assignments are up to my eyeballs, when I'm running in the door just in time for prayers, when I'm going to sleep at midnight, and when I'm forgetting everything not attached to me... I wonder if I can actually do it!

This is one of those times... yet here I am blogging.  Maybe not the best use of time, but it does help put a name on this lack of "super-nun" feeling.  And it has given me some perspective.  Jesus didn't call me to be successful and to be super-nun.  He called me to be the woman I am in the life He chose for me in relationship with Him.  I have to learn to be humble enough to accept my shortcomings and failings.

Future

So often as a young woman religious I think of the future of religious life.  What will it look like if we can't live next door to the parish school?  What if there is no parish school?  What if there are no priests to say Mass for us?  What if we live in a faithless world?  Will we fail to persevere?  Will we be faithful to what our sisters have left us?  Will the Church still want us?  How will we take care of our elderly sisters?  How will we serve God's people?... When will we sleep while were doing all of this???  :)

It is overwhelming and humbling.  I have no answer to any of the questions above because they aren't happening yet.  Right now, my job is to grow into the religious woman God has called me to be and all I need to do is stay focused on that one thing.  Prayer, community, and ministry will all come together the way He has planned in each moment.  I truly believe that what is happening to us through closures, financial problems, and lack of vocations are God pruning us and preparing us for a future that He has in mind, not the future we've been thinking of.

That's what makes me sure it will be wonderful, it is His and not mine!

Pray for us that we follow His will!

How do you know?

The top most asked question of high school girls about vocations is, "How do you know?"  I answered quite a few of those questions this weekend at a retreat for young women discerning religious life.  However, I also received a question that I've never been asked before, "What if it is all a waste... what if God isn't real and you've wasted your life for no reason?"

I guess people have eluded to that question at times and I've answered that I'm happy in my life and I'm doing good so it really isn't a waste... at least it isn't a waste any more or less than anyone else's life in those circumstances.  However I answered a little differently this time around.

So far, what I've come up with is more of a conviction than an answer.  Intellectually speaking, sure, it could all be a mistake.  God could not be real, He could not exist.  I'm not going to argue the possibility, although I know there are wonderful theological proofs!  My answer is that I love Him enough to take the chance.  I'm willing to lay down my life for the very possibility that the love of Christ exists.  Let's be honest, as human beings sometimes belief seems to be more about how we feel than what we know.  I've decided to commit myself to the hope of Christ's love whether I feel it or not.

There are many times when I don't feel it.  There are a lot of times it doesn't all make sense and yet again I remember that I made vows to that which I know only by faith.  I pray that God continues to bless me with that gift and that He continues to call out generous, self-sacrificing women to carry that gift as well.    

Confirmation

My kids are preparing to receive Confirmation this fall and I'm starting to get nervous.  Basically, I had three months to prepare them for this wonderful sacrament but there are so many things I feel like I haven't even gotten to yet.  It is such a responsibility and I frequently find myself feeling overwhelmed by everything I want to share with them.  However, a little victory this week made all the stress and rush of it seem worth it.

The students were writing their letters to the bishop who is going to confirm them and as they wrote their rough drafts they asked me to read them before they wrote them on the paper with the school seal on it.  As I read each of their letters I was so touched by their words to the bishop and I realized a) that they really do listen when I talk to them and b) that they really do care about their faith.  The most beautiful of the letters was one by one of my boys.  He wrote that he was choosing the name Joseph because "Joseph took care of Mary and Jesus and I admire him for that."  No matter what I do, God has obviously touched his heart and brought him to that beautiful desire to be like the foster father and mother of God.  We had first Friday Mass today as a school community and all of them were their beautiful selves but as I watched their faces and their movements I was so proud to be their teacher.

At Mass, Father spoke about praying for vocations to the priesthood and religious life and as I looked at my boys and girls I remembered what a student said to me when I was giving a vocation talk one time.  She asked, "Sister, can you tell when you look at us?"  My answer was, "yes."  It is amazing the look in a child's eyes when it dawns on them that a) it could be possible that God is calling them, and that b) they feel something that they haven't noticed before.  Well, we were talking about the will of God when one of my dear boys stated that it must have been the will of God that our classroom pet died.  (Nothing is theologically sophisticated with sixth graders.)  It was off-topic and meant to throw me off onto something "more interesting." (I know their game :) )  Anyway, I responded by asking this child if he was asking God what His will was for him.  He answered, not to be a priest sister... don't even try!  Now, he is a sweet heart so it wasn't meant as a dig.  But my answer was, "You said it, not me!"

Tomorrow I will be part of a vocation day for my community.  I'm excited to be able to offer my Saturday (which I love because it is great to catch up on schoolwork) for potential vocations to the religious life.  It's a great life!!  Please pray that God's will be made known to the young women who will be joining the sisters for a day of prayer and discernment.  Lord, grant us more vocations!

TGIF

This has been such a great weekend for me.  It was even better because my principal gave us off from having a formal plan this week and I got to hang with a nun friend (without having to worry about school!).

I started my Friday night with 2 hours of soccer games in the freezing cold.  All my kids play soccer and when they invite me I just can't say no so I worked after school and then drove over to the fields to watch the girls lose and the boys win.  It didn't matter though... they really don't care.  They just love to have fun.  

On Saturday I went and picked up my sister friend.  We went to visit some of our sisters at our infirmary and then went to a vigil Mass on our way back to my convent and to dinner.  I didn't realize that we were dressed in our habits and it was the night before Halloween so we had quite the interesting reception at dinner.  On Sunday we ran errands and just hung out which was really nice.  There aren't a million young sisters out there so when you have the time and opportunity to just spend time together it really helps.  We can talk about the struggles of juggling community life, apostolate, and prayer and just enjoy one another's company.  

So, tomorrow I still won't have my little saints at school, but I will be back.  There is still too much to do before I get there though!  Goodnight!       

Charity

How do you live the Gospel with seventh graders?  Well... I have no idea but here I am learning anew each day. First I want to say that I love my kids with all my heart.  I am so grateful to God for each and every one of them.  I'm grateful for the quiet ones, the loud ones, the obnoxious ones, the intelligent ones, the struggling ones... and the ones that drive me insane.

Needless to say.... when you have all those special "ones" in your life, you are in for a surprise around every corner!  I can't believe sometimes how much of my life I spend as a relationship counselor.  Yes, I am a science teacher but the back of my classroom doubles as a romance advice booth.  I don't know what it is about me but something says, tell me your boy and girl troubles!

It is really humbling for me to have my boys and girls confide in me and ask me for advice and acceptance as they try to navigate these difficult years.  Recently there has been an influx of these problems.  It continues to amaze me that they come in and want to talk to me about boyfriends, girlfriends, parent problems, and a whole host of other issues.  One such incident really touched me recently.  One of my boys, who is quite a ladies man, came to talk to me yesterday.  You would think that a seventh grade boy wouldn't want love advice from his nun science teacher but... think again.  The touching thing about it is that as I watch them grow I see all the characteristics of responsible, loving, and holy men and women.  They want to do the right thing, but they don't know what it is.  The boys want to be gentlemen.  The girls want to be beautiful but not in the way the world tells them they should be.

What I have realized is that I'm in a unique position as a religious woman to guide them.  They really see me as their sister and because of that they feel able to interact with me in a way that is different than their parents, other teachers, and other students.  Practically speaking, the boys carry things for me whenever they can, run errands for me, ask me to come to their sports events, and open doors like it's their job.  They actually notice when I get my hair cut out the front of my veil (I know... I can't believe it either).  They feel like they can because I'm their sister.  It's the same reason they feel like they can tell me all their girl, family, relationship, and sports problems.

The girls see how they treat me and they realize that they should always be treated with the same respect and with charity.  They come to me and ask me millions of questions about all the same things because they know I'll hold all their tough tween stuff in my heart.  And they are right... I do!

I'm always tempted (without ever giving in) to pray out loud during lauds and vespers at our intercessions, "for Gina's broken heart," or  "for Tommy's mom and dad," or "for Brandon's breakup."  Instead, I hold them in my heart like God intended me to do and I offer my acts of charity and counseling for them.

Basically... it is tough being in seventh grade.  I love them though... my little brothers and sisters, and I'll do anything to help them and guide them to be their best, holiest, truest selves.  God help me... it certainly gets confusing!

Please pray for all our kids!  

Expecting More

I haven't written in a while because my life has gone crazy over these past few weeks with progress reports going out and many community events taking place.  All good things but still things that require more energy than any one person can have.

I have found myself these days expecting more; of myself, of my sisters, my students, my fellow teachers, and basically of everyone I meet.  I have this problem of being a perfectionist and I never think I'm being hard on other people, even when I am, because anything I criticize about someone else is just a fraction of the criticism I give myself all the time.  It is definitely a problem and definitely a sin.  I know all of this in my head but my heart gets all caught up with the "should have" statements of my life.  I don't trust God enough to know that He will always take care of me and that my worth is dependent upon Him... not me.

Today I found myself confronted in a big way with this attitude.  In an email from a parent I felt that I was being accused of not doing what I should be doing because her son didn't bring home a certain paper.  It really wasn't a big deal but right away I felt defensive after a long and exhausting week.  I just wanted to say, "Your son is the reason you didn't get the paper... not me."  Now I would never say that but I was still going through this imaginary conversation with myself in my head.  While I was getting all steamed up about it I realized how ridiculous I was being.  I don't serve mom and dad.  I'm a teacher.  I serve children and families.

As I was thinking about how unfair it was that she was blaming me for something her son lost or forgot or blew up like sixth grade boys always do, I realized that there must be a reason God had this plan in store for me.  Because I'm new in this parish, convent, and school I don't get all the background sometimes right away on all the students.

One of the sisters in the house commented, without knowing about the email or anything else, that this student gets hit when he does something wrong.  Well, I felt terrible then that I ever wanted to say it was his fault and I realized how providential it was that God would have mom assume it was my fault and be angry with me.  If I really believe in dedicating myself to God's most abandoned poor it is going to cost me.  For me the hardest cost to pay is that of being insecure and of allowing myself to mean less than someone else.  I wish I were more confident but I'm not.  It bothers me when I think that others think of me as incapable or not good enough.  I care too much about what people think of me.  However, here is an opportunity for me to allow God to love me as I am and allow myself to be hurt instead of one of His little ones.

I still don't know what I'm going to email back, but I know it won't be that her son is the problem.  Because he isn't the problem.  He is a normal, forgetful and irresponsible, sixth grade boy.  I am a sister to all so why shouldn't I share in the sufferings of all?  And that is my answer.  I should.  So, if I say I'm willing to sacrifice, how much better is it for her to be angry with me than for him to get smacked around for forgetting a paper?  I am certain it is the better way.

So now I'm still expecting more from myself but I'm also expecting it all to come from God.  Lord, help me to sacrifice my own self confidence, capability, and reputation for the good of Your little ones and for the coming of Your Kingdom.  Amen.