On Saturday, I knew I only had a small window of time before judgment began at 6 to go to Confession and be ready to meet my Creator (just kidding - but I did think it was funny I was going to Confession right before the world was about to end!). So I drove down to the next parish and waited my turn.
As I was waiting in line for Confession, I felt so lukewarm. It was like I was in line at the grocery store or something. I realized how I felt and I was disappointed in myself for being so casual about approaching the sacrament but somehow I still couldn't muster up much feeling for it. So I just said to God, I know you want me here... I want to be here if not in my heart definitely in my will, so You need to bring whatever else I'm lacking.
Once I got into the confessional I waited a long time. Father was taking his time with the penitent on the other side so it was me, the plastic-y kneeler, and the crucifix. I felt a stillness inside, still no desire or feeling, but a prayerful stillness.
When I began confessing my sins I was amazed at how much feeling came into the words as I spoke them and how my heart opened up to share the deepest desires, fears, values and thoughts that motivate my actions. It all came with more sincerity and honesty rather than as a laundry list of problems. When Father began speaking I felt like I was talking to Christ. I could see Father's face through the screen and I really saw Jesus speaking with me very gently while still full of wisdom and insights calling me to be better.
It was such a blessed confession. I always hold on to my crucifix as I pray my act of contrition and kiss it at the end of confession as I do each day when I put it on in the morning and take it off at night. I felt very close to Christ in those moments. I'm still pondering everything now because I don't think I have reached the depths yet of the experience. I'm certainly grateful to God, and to Father, for the gift of the sacrament.
