Summer and Cleaning

I've tried to write like ten times on the topic of summer - but it is just so wonderful I haven't been able to put it into words.  The feeling of my aching muscles after a day of manual labor, the late night chats with the sisters, the leisurely meals, quiet times of prayer, and laughter throughout the day... it's just great.  In these first three days without lesson plans, tests, copiers, paperwork, school books, papers, grades, and students I have enjoyed myself immensely.

All year I've been formulating plans for what I would do once this wonderful, free summertime came.  I have quite a few projects keeping me busy in the house... in fact, I've been cleaning since Monday.

The convent I'm living in now was "abandoned" so to speak for quite some time and there are a lot of places with hidden problems and tons of dust.  The other problem is that this convent was built for 20 plus sisters... currently it houses 5.  Of the five, only 2 are able to really keep up with the necessary work to keep the house in good working order.  You can imagine how much there is to do in an enormous convent like this for the youngest sister.  But I am happy to do it - and it is good for me to do something more physical than mental for a change of pace.  It is liberating to wipe all that dust away, move furniture, reassign towels and sheets to their rightful homes... it feels like a new beginning.  Plus - someone else cooks so I can work!

I feel so happy about how well this year has gone and yet there are things I've let go a little too long that I need to take care of in my personal life.  I must clean out that stuff too while I'm doing it for real in the house.  Tomorrow I'm going to take a very big step in cleaning out and sorting through some of my personal "stuff" on the inside and I ask your prayers for this meeting.  It will be difficult but I know good will come from it and that peace will follow whatever transpires.

Envy... Holy Envy... I don't know...

I envy families.  A lot!  I've talked briefly about my own family before here but not as the actual topic of a post.  Tonight it is.  It's hard for me to write about but I think it is important too.  I've felt in religious life quite often that I don't quite belong because of my family history.  Most of the sisters with whom I live and work view family in a very different way than I do.  I should say, they view their own family's differently than I do.  I think we have the same objective value of the family but our experiences are so different.  A lot of sisters I live with can't imagine not being devoted to their parents.  They can't imagine not thinking that their parents are saints in heaven... that they gave them their vocations.

Then, on the other hand, is me.  My family is broken.  I hate the way it sounds but it is the truth.  Throughout everything that has happened and everything I don't understand still - I never thought that it would all come together like it has now in my life.  God alone knew that that suffering I had to endure would prepare me to be the bearer of immense grace toward others.

I think the hardest thing about having such a dysfunctional family is the not-knowing.  As the child, no matter the age, you can never fully understand the effect of, the sequence of, and the cause of the events which forever change your world view and your understanding of life and then somehow you must pick up the pieces.  For someone as logical as I am - walking around with such doubts and insecurities is very difficult.  Every day I remember something new that didn't click when everything was "under the rug."  But now that my parents are divorced it sheds a new light on all the experiences I've had.  I wish I could understand all of them but I know that there is no way for me to do so... so I must live with the unknowing.

Anyway... now it serves me well.  The pain is still there and the discomfort is still raw... I imagine it will stay that way.  However... most of my students have this same experience and I offer it for them.  I share it with them.  My co-workers share this pain with me and they come to me with their experiences of family strife because I understand... and I think it is a sad gift now that I have been given.

There is certainly a reward in seeing the heart animate a face which has found understanding in another person's heart.  God is good in providing these loving moments of solidarity with one another to give the love that was lacking in other ways.  Blessings are always around.

Family and Religious Life

I'm really only close with one member of my family - my brother.  I love my brother a lot.  He is my only other sibling and he understands me very well... and he's not Catholic.  He loves having a sister who is a nun.  I don't exactly know why, but I do know that we bonded very well when we both made life altering commitments against the desires of our parents about a month apart... we really threw them for a loop!  My brother went into the service a month before I entered the convent... it was not taken very well.

Today I went to a meeting at my community's motherhouse and then met up with my family who lives nearby.  I'm always happy to see them but I'm also always more aware when I leave the gathering of how different my life is from theirs.  Some of my family is Catholic... most are nonpracticing but it certainly makes for an interesting gathering when the nun shows up.  Today was mostly good.  It's hard to explain my life to people who have no concept of convent, apostolate, community life, living a Rule, vows... all of it!  They just seem like outsiders to me sometimes and I hate that.

It isn't that I don't love them... it's more like we live on two different planes.  And then when it comes to my parents - it's a whole other ball game.  I know... it's hard to imagine... but nuns come from broken homes too - myself included.   It's certainly more difficult but here I am and I just hope and pray that God accepts the carrying of that cross as an act of love for Him.